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Old 01-01-2009, 06:48 PM   #1
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Zenstation HB User
I have been lying to my girlfriend

And I feel absolutely horrible about it.

We have been dating for about six months now, but known each other for 10. When I first met her, I was in a long-distance relationship (different countries) with someone else, an emotionally abusive girl with massive mental problems. My current girlfriend knew about this girl, and we still had sex on the same day that we met.
We continued meeting and having sex for a while, before she asked me to end things with the other girl, due to us both having massive moral issues with what we were doing. I agreed to do this, and really tried to end the relationship, but my then-girlfriend responded by trying to commit suicide. I told the new girl about this, and she was supportive about the whole thing. However, after a while she decided that she couldn't live with the situation, and it became apparent to me that I was about to lose her (and I was really starting to fall in love with her).
Since I was unable to end the abusive relationship I was in at the time, due to massive manipulation by my girlfriend (she had borderline personality disorder), even though we were living in different countries and had not seen each other in four months, I lied to my current girlfriend. I told her that I had ended the relationship, though in reality I wasn't able to find the emotional strength to really do it until a month and a half later (I was going through a period of severe depression and anxiety at the time). I also had to tell a number of smaller lies to be able to make her believe that I had really ended the relationship.

She and I started thinking of ourselves as being in a relationship with each other at about the same time that my relationship with the other girl ended (I think only a week or two later). At the time, I thought that made the lying somewhat more acceptable, as at least there was no real commitment to each other before then (or, rather, she was reluctant to commit to me) - but now I know that I was wrong. Lying to a person you love is never right.

I have generally tried my best to be truthful and honest with her after this, although I may have failed on a small number of occasions - probably not more than 4-5 times, and these were, with one exception, white lies. But last night I failed again, and told a lie about how I had gone to a new year's eve party, while in reality I spent the night at home. She was with some of her friends. At times I suffer from social anxiety, and this was the reason I did not go to the party I was invited to. I was too ashamed to admit to her that I didn't feel able to go, and instead told an elaborate lie about how I had spent the evening.

I feel absolutely horrible about all this, and I realize that I can't tell her any more lies, because I can't deal with it morally anymore. The question is if I should tell her the truth behind the lies I have told her in the past (in which case she will probably leave me, not due to finding out the truth, but because I have lied to her), or if I should just let it be, saving us both from a lot of pain, and do my best to be truthful and honest in the future. What do you think?

 
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Old 01-01-2009, 07:03 PM   #2
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Re: I have been lying to my girlfriend

Zenstation, you sound like basically a very good hearted person. You are not lying to this girl to cover up the fact that you are just using her for the moment when she thinks you actually love her like most men lie. I think the main reasons for your lying is based on insecurity, and being afraid that maybe this girl won't think you "measure up." I don't think you should beat yourself up so much over these lies.

The ex girlfriend thing, I say let that lie. You say you didn't cut off the relationship when you said you did, but you DID end it, yes? That's all that's important. I feel bad for the ex girlfriend, having such problems, but they shouldn't be made to be your problems, either. If it's truly all over and done, then let that lie.

Now, about the social anxiety issue. I certainly understand that being a tough one. It can be scary admitting to someone you're pursuing a relationship with something like this, for fear they might up and run. Are you seeking treatment for it? If not, I think you should. Do you have insurance through your college enrollment or through work? If you can tell her that you are doing all you can to deal with and overcome this issue, then if she's a decent person who really cares about you, she should be willing to hang in there with you and see how it goes. But this issue is something that can affect her down the road if the two of you get more serious. She'll start to notice that you can't be around her friends or that you decline invitations from her family for get togethers or whatever. If she knows this is an issue for you, she might be understanding through it, but again, you have to be willing to do what you can to deal with it. Accept what you can't change and change what you can, and love yourself, forgive yourself and be the best you that you know how to be, secure in what you bring to the table. That's the only way to really jump headlong into a good, healthy, long term relationship. Good luck to you.

 
Old 01-02-2009, 07:27 PM   #3
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Re: I have been lying to my girlfriend

Larrylou'smom: Thank you for your kind reply, it really gave me some peace of mind about the whole situation.
I am currently in therapy to deal with my psychological issues, my main motivation being that I don't want these issues to affect my personal relationships anymore, and particularly not my relationship with my girlfriend.
Fortunately for me, she is a very caring and understanding person (she's actually a psychologist). She knows that I am working hard to improve my situation, and I know that she appreciates the effort I am putting in.

Thank you again for making me more relaxed about the things I mentioned in the first post, you really helped me a lot there

 
Old 01-02-2009, 07:41 PM   #4
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Re: I have been lying to my girlfriend

Honesty. Lay it all out there. Because if you don't, then you are basically saying that you are entitled to make decisions for HER about HER life. Said another way, if you don't tell her the truth then you are circumventing her ability to rationalize.

Tell her that you love her, and she means the world to you. And that you want a future with her, and that in order to build a future with her, you realize that she must know about the past. Tell her you are telling her the truth not because you want to hurt her, but because you love her and you think that she deserves to be able to make decisions for herself.

Tell her you respect her and that is why you must tell her these horrible things you have done. Acknowledge that it was wrong to lie; that real relationships are built on honesty, trust, and being able to face the beautiful and the UGLY parts of life together. And that's what you want---to face the the good and bad times together. Apologize for making the mistake, but say you love her and want the best for her so you HAD to make it right...sure, you aren't perfect, you can't promise perfection, but you can promise that if you screw up, you will rectify your wrongs and be honest about them.

Nobody expects perfection. But we do expect people who screw us over to bust their butt to make it right, esp. if they are really sorry and care about us.

Otherwise, if you aren't honest, and she finds out another way, she'll think you are not sorry for what you did, but rather you are sorry that you got caught. See the difference?

Also, give her time and space to be angry, yell, perhaps say mean, untruthful things to you. Do NOT fight back. Do not defend your actions. Talk calmy, sweetly, and hold her hands. Act lovingly.

 
Old 01-02-2009, 08:57 PM   #5
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Re: I have been lying to my girlfriend

Zenstation,
I am relieved to read your initial post. Your title sounded so ominous...Your so called lies really sound more honorable that mean or cruel. You were in a difficult situation with your previous girlfriend and you were essentially treading gently. You were trying to do the right thing by two people and that is a great feat. Let the past alone, going over it will only make it seem worse than it really is.

No it is not right to lie, you know that and this experience has concreted it in for you. But I think there are worse things that you could have done. We all tell little white lies, sometimes these are necessary and they should do no harm.

As for lying about your new years party. We all feel like that at times, just don't want to be around others. Forcing yourself to go would have worse for you. Your girlfriend is a psychologist so you are in good hands. She supported you through the difficulties with your previous girlfriend so she has a very good understanding of the complexities of mental health. Tell her the truth and if she is good to her professional and to you as your girlfriend it shouldn't be a major issue, she should be a good shoulder to lean on.

J

J

 
Old 01-03-2009, 09:12 AM   #6
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Re: I have been lying to my girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenstation View Post
Larrylou'smom: Thank you for your kind reply, it really gave me some peace of mind about the whole situation.
I am currently in therapy to deal with my psychological issues, my main motivation being that I don't want these issues to affect my personal relationships anymore, and particularly not my relationship with my girlfriend.
Fortunately for me, she is a very caring and understanding person (she's actually a psychologist). She knows that I am working hard to improve my situation, and I know that she appreciates the effort I am putting in.

Thank you again for making me more relaxed about the things I mentioned in the first post, you really helped me a lot there
if what you've done isn't so bad, then just as these other folks have been able to excuse your actions, shouldn't your gf be able to as well?

 
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