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Old 01-04-2009, 08:17 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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sperro HB User
please help with boyfriend! im driving myself insane

My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time now, almost a year and a half. Things have been amazing since the beginning, we connect in so many ways its unreal, we are the exact same person in all the right ways and its always been so fantastic between us. I would say we are both pretty mature for our age, always have been.

Things started getting hard when we went to different colleges this past fall. Me all the way in California and him in Maine. I have a history of depression, and the school I attend is by no means my first choice. I have never been so miserable as I have been since I arrived there. I just despised every aspect of my life except for him. I was wallowing in self-pity, yelling at him all the time, getting upset for no reason, just stuff I knew wasn't good but I was so depressed I just couldn't seem to help myself. By October things kind of imploded, we got pretty close to breaking up, I had a mental breakdown, my mother had to fly out to California from New York. After this little breakdown I got hooked up with a psychologist and psychiatrist (who I love) at my school, and since I've been put on meds for my anxiety, depression, and newly discovered ADHD Inattentive type, I've been doing quite well.

During this fight I convinced him to give me a second chance and that everything would change. And honestly, slightly to my own surprise, it actually did. I did fantastically academically, I started trying to branch out a little and meet people, and I no longer yelled at him for not "videochatting" with me whenever he had a free moment. I was honestly a pretty ideal long-distance girlfriend: I never pressured him into talking to me when he wanted to do something else, we talked when it was convenient for both of us, I encouraged him to go out with his friend, I visited him twice and it was amazing.

We got back for Thanksgiving break and things were still going great, like no incidences at all, things were pretty damn good. We went back to school for finals, that went smoothly (aside from one incidence when I got upset more at the world about how little time we get to spend together, but again I apologized), and then we came back for winter break. Here is where I admittedly screwed up a little, I had a disporportionate freakout/crying bout when he hung out with his friends the second day we got back when he had only seen me for like 3 hours the night before. Granted, this was really rooted in the fact that the majority of our friends were coming back in the following couple of days, and I knew we wouldn't be able to see each other as much after that. I also apologized profusely and told him I knew I had been absurd and ridiculous and was really sorry. There was one more incident where he actually did ditch me, it was not very nice and I had been dying to go out for about a week, but nothing I could go to had been happening, and he ditched me for a party. So I got a little bit upset, but again apologized for it nearly immediately. A couple of days later I got into a fight with some of my closest friends, and we didnt talk for about a week.

During this time, he went away to Seattle for a family things for a couple of days (we both grew up in New York City). One night when he was away, the girls who I had been feuding with, and had earlier in the day awkwardly sort of patched things up, came over to my house. I hadn't been out socially since a month earlier during Thanksgiving break, and I was lonely without him here. They were all going to leave and go somewhere else to see these boys who went to my boyfriends high school, who I actually knew before I knew him, and are in the social circle we all are part of. So, since it was only four of these boys, they weren't drunk or belligerent, and it was already late anyway, I let them come over. I knew my boyfriend would be a little bit irritated, but he had an all out freakout. I've never seen anything like it. He would barely talk to me, refused to say I love you, and was very harsh with me. It was shocking to say the least, I've never apologized so much in so many different creative ways as I did those couple of days.

When he came back, he was in good spirits and things seemed fine, except that he said we would talk after New Year's, two days away. Things were okay, and then he misunderstood the tone of something I had said, freaked out at me because he thought I had been mad he wanted to stay home and sleep instead of see me, even though I assured him I had never been upset in any way about it and that it was a misunderstanding. He said fine, but refused to say I love you, and was very very obviously mad. New Year's Eve (one of his favorite holidays), he barely texted me, and didn't seem to care much if he saw me at all that night. When we finally met up, he quite literally wouldn't touch me, or look at me, nevertheless say "I love you". When we got back to his house, where it had been agreed I was going to stay that night, he was somehow able to temporarily snap out of it, we had sex, did things as normal, and before we were going to bed I said "I love you". He didn't say it back, it was really weird, I asked him why and apparently he didn't feel like saying it. The next morning things seemed really okay, he said I love you, we hung out all day, and things were pretty good, but he was still a little bit off. He went home for dinner, and then came back later that night after dinner. It was then we sat down to talk about what was actually bothering him.

I was the first to speak, saying everything I knew he was upset about, that he was getting the impression I didn't want him to hang out with his friends, that I was too dependent on him, etc. I also assured him that none of those things were true, and that I was so sorry I had given off that impression. In our talk he claimed nothing had changed at all after our October fight, a fact that was blatantly not true, also considering he had been happy that whole time, it was undeniable he had not felt this way before winter break. He said he wanted to be together when we were together in NYC together, but he apart when we're apart, aka he was leaving in 3 days and we would then take a a "break" where apparently we still talk with each other on some form of regular basis.

Essentially, I'm incredibly hurt, I feel betrayed, I turned my life around and made things good again and he accused me of not doing anything. I feel like this was just spurred by his random freakout and he is really overreacting, and just refusing to see what is so obvious. I told him that I did change every behavior I had been doing that hurt him, and I had one or two slipups that had been apologized for as soon as I had said them, I told him that I felt like in his mind I was always going to fail, and that I couldn't have succeeded. So the past few days I managed to hold myself together for the most part and we have actually had a pretty good time. He seems a little sad/weird at times and I do to, but all in all it was almost like normal.

Things have taken an unusual twist. I am not going back to California for next semester. I am taking a leave of absence and taking classes here in NYC. Which means I could visit him any weekend, relatively cheaply and easily. We part on pretty good terms this morning, he slept at my house, we had a great time together last night. He reciprocated this morning when I said I would miss him, we had quite a few cuddling session, passionate kisses, good sex, and hugs an smiles. I told him I wouldn't contact him first, he could contact me, because he was unable to give me any sort of guideline as to how this was going to work. He is definitely at school by this hour, still hasn't contacted me, though I know he could have. Essentially I just don't know what to do, I can't imagine if I'm my apparently attractive self to him and we have good conversations every few days, that he will want to break it off for good. Especially now that I'm back for good, and he knows the offer is out there for me to come and visit any weekend. Regardless he has another weeklong break on the 29th, so he'll be back in about 3 weeks regardless, and I'll be here too.

I'm just so confused. I don't know how I should act. I am still very deeply in love with him, and I know he still loves me, it's just clouded by this mysterious anger that's emerged from relatively nowhere. He doesn't tell a soul except for me about things this personal, he claims he can give himself better advice, but I just want to scream because there is no one to tell him he's being crazy and that we are very good together and make him see clearly the past couple of months. I don't know what I should or shouldn't say. My therapist said I shouldn't push the I love you. But I feel like I still need to remind him of what he's missing, and why we should be together. And I know I can show him in the next couple of weeks that I can be independent of him, and that we can work being together. He is incredibly important to me, I would honestly do anything for him. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I screwed up right now and let the whole fragile thing fall apart in my hands. I know there is a way to salvage this. Please help me.

He still hasn't contacted me whatsoever, I mean I know he's done quite a bit of travelling today but it's just so painful not to talk to him, and know that he's choosing not to. It is taking pretty much all the strength I have not to contact him at all. Could I write him a letter updating him on my day? I probably should not do anything, that would be more for me own benefit than his. I just don't know if he's waiting for me to contact him? If this is some kind of weird subconscious stand-down into who gives in first? I'm just so confused, I'm so used to talkng about all this stuff with him, nothing is more painful than not communicating.

 
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Old 01-04-2009, 09:36 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: please help with boyfriend! im driving myself insane

If you're trying to prove you can be independent, contacting him would be the exact opposite of that. It is obvious from your post that you are NOT independent, but are in fact completely dependent on this relationship for your happiness.

It also seems like the two of you fight an awful lot...lots of apologies and re-doing of the same things that cause you to fight.

You didn't say why exactly you elected not to return to the school in California...was it solely because you want to try to hold onto this boyfriend?

You can't make this guy love you and want to be with you if it just isn't happening for him anymore. There's no magic formula of "well, I'll do this and this, and say this, and he'll realize he can't live without me!". If he wants a break from the relationship, you really have no choice but to go along, unless you take the other choice...ending it for good. There's really no third option of doing something to convince him he should stay with you, that has to be up to him. It's heartbreaking, and it sucks, but really, there isn't much you can do if he really feels that way.

 
Old 01-06-2009, 10:46 AM   #3
Junior Member
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 23
vm189 HB User
Re: please help with boyfriend! im driving myself insane

I agree that contacting him first is not a good idea. When someone starts to pull away, it's only natural to want to tell them and show them why they should want to be with you, but unfortunately that only ever seems to drive them further away. The only way he is going to want to be with you is if he genuinely wants to, and people usually only want to be around people who make them feel good and with whom they have positive interactions. Most people do not feel good when they are fighting and stressing out about their relationships, so if you guys are going to make this work, your best bet is to eliminate as much negativity as possible. Give him some space, and when you do talk to him, keep it light and friendly, and don't force him to talk about the relationship until he's ready to bring it up on his own. Good luck!

 
Old 01-06-2009, 11:48 AM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Alabama
Posts: 778
Mileena42 HB User
Re: please help with boyfriend! im driving myself insane

I agree. Don't contact him. You told him that HE would have to contact you if he wanted to see you, now stick by that!

I too, hope you didn't change your school plans with the hope of working on your relationship. This young man seems (to me) to be trying to get out and do things that basically exclude you. What did he say when you told him you weren't going back to the west coast this semester? Did he seem happy? I don't know what else to tell you except that like the others it sounds like he is trying to work on getting a life without you.....maybe to slowly ease you into a world that he isn't a part of!

Your best bet is to go on with your life, and leave him alone. If he wants you he knows where to find you. Get out and meet new people.....is there anyway you can change your mind about going back to California to school? THATS where you need to be meeting any new friends!

Good Luck
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Mileena

 
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