I've been with my guy for two years, but have only lived with him for one. I've learned that he is an unaffectionate, uncaring person. I blame these traits on his horrible, abusive, upbringing. I love him, but these two traits about him can be very hurtful to me. For example, I had a colposcopy done today (due to abnormal cells in my cervix). I went home afterwards and called to tell him about it. He didn't know I had an appointment, so I told him how they saw two spots of concern in my cervix and took tissue samples to run tests. His response "Sweet". I didn't respond. Then he said "So what's the problem". I just said nothing, I just don't feel that great. Then it was dropped. So he just came home and I'm on the computer and within two seconds of being in the room with me, he says "Why are you moping around?" I said I'm not. "Well you seem angry, you're giving off an angry vibe". I said "well I just had tissue torn from my cervix, so no I'm not excited". "Well I don't have a cervix so I wouldn't know what that feels like". I said, "well not good". Then he goes on to talk about himself, and his day, and his job. I don't act very interested or enthused so he leaves in a huff and puff b/c I'm not in a good mood.
I've been dealing with this type of behavior our entire relationship so I'm almost numb to it. I blame myself for not expecting this reaction and getting upset. But I question if he is the right guy based on this and other uncaring things he has done in the past. Little things like parking in the garage which leaves me to park in the street in winter, taking my ice scraper b/c he doesn't have one, not giving me any back rubs when I constantly request them after giving him one, making dinner evey night and doing tons of chores around the house, etc. I just feel stupid for staying with him but I care for him and love him as a person so I give up receiving these things for him. What do you make of this? Help please.
Do you have a job of your own? Things don't seem to be going well while you are living together.
I say get a place of your own. The relationship doesn't have to end, but at least you will be cleaning and cooking and tending to your own space instead of being his maid.
It will give you each time and space to figure out some things. It will reveal the level of desire each of you has for the future of the relationship.
Look at it this way: if you stay, what motivation is there to change? If he can treat you stinky like this and still get what he wants, what's the point in behaving any better?
Guys respond to ACTION not words. That's why they like action movies and not romantic comedies. That's why they prefer sex to sweet talk. You could stay living with him and rant and rave about your feelings for months---and you'll get nowhere.
But if you LEAVE, get your own place---then that SHOWS him that something's gotta give! That you are so serious about what you NEED in a relationship, that you are willing to DO something about it!
He is who he is and you're not going to change him. You need to either accept that you will be unhappy as long as you are with him and resign yourself to being with someone who offers no emotional support at all, someone who isn't even your friend, who treats you like little more than free maid service and cook (I don't recommend this) or you can decide you've had enough of settling for so much less than what you really want in a relationship and go find a man who will care about your life and your issues and will care about the place you share, etc. The choice is yours. Just keep in mind that if you wake up 10 years from now and feel so emotionally deprived that you are numb to everything and you realize how unhappy and unfulfilled you are and have been, you'll have no one to blame but you for choosing to stay with someone who will never give you any better than what you are getting now.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-08-2009 at 04:35 PM.
I can't imagine not hearing any concern from my hubby when I have a health problem. You are with a bad bad wrong guy.
There are so many already married couples wrangling with emotional problems AFTER they are entangled with kids, finances, mutual friends etc. You are in a better postion to deal with the emotional problems now, before it is all gets encumbered deeper.
You can still love him but not pick him to spend the rest of your life with. You can still love him, wish him well, and not want to give up quite as much as it sounds like you will if you stay.
Sometimes I think we feel we have to have some major, horrible problem to allow us to accept that we need something other than what we have. Once upon a time a friend said to me about the guy I was dating "well, you know he never beats you." Talk about a bar being set low just to have a guy! So did that mean the rest our incompatibilities should be ignored?
As has been said, he is not going to change. All you have to do is look at your own life to know how difficult it is to be someone you just simply aren't. If you can get free, get your own place or another roommate. To have this many doubts after just 1 year of living together is you trying to tell you something.
I had different issues with the guy I was living with, but I agree with the suggestion of getting your own place. I decided to do so, announced it to him, and 3 days later moved out. I have a great, cute little duplex that I'm having a blast fixing up and I can still see my guy, but it's much more on even terms now. It's nice to be able to get away and be by myself or with my friends when I want or need to. For example, today he was grumpy and in a bad mood, and it was great to be able to just kiss him goodbye and go home! He certainly appreciates me more than when I was there every single day and he didn't feel like it was special (I think) when he knew he could see me any time. Now he works at it and his attitude has changed so much it's hard to believe. I will NOT move back in with him, things are too good now.
Think about getting your own place, you are being taken for granted.