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Old 01-08-2009, 04:31 PM   #1
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colleen96 HB User
being kept a secret boyfriend's ex wife and kid

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 months now and I am madly in love... I also think that he is too. He treats me like a princess in many ways but when it comes to his ex wife and his son (12 year old) I am a secret. He feels really guilty about divorcing his ex wife.. he claims that there is nothing going on between them and there hasn't been for a long long time. however, whenever he has custody of his kid, i have to go home, holidays are spent at her house, and they play big happy family... he eats dinner there at least once a week and they still do things as if they were marriied .. the only difference is that he lives in a different house... and he has a girlfriend.. well to her he is just dating and having fun, to me I am head over heels in love and I just can't compare to her. they were married for 10 years and dated for 5 prior. they have been divorced for a little over 2 years and I am the first girlfriend he has really had... he talls me all the time how special I am and we are, and that he loves me.. I can't complain about that.. anyway, so i have never met his ex, but they are constantly talking on the phone, text messaging and emailing.. and now that she got a blackberry he added her to his blackberry messenger, which was occupied only by me before, now he has added Instant Messenger to the list. It is driving me crazy, everytime he gets a little beep I know its her, she is still in love with him and wont go away, he is so afraid of hurting her agian that he would never tell her to give him a little more space. I know it is going to drive me crazy and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We love each other dearly but I just can't handle being such a secret to his ex and his kid... I forgot to mention that I am 13 years his junior and 10 years younger than his ex wife... I want to know how I should tell him that he needs to creat more space between the two of him and it will not harm the child... and how long do I wait until I ask him to meet his kid... honestly, I understand him wanting to keep his son innocent for as long as possible, but being completely seprate from an entire part of his life is killing me.
thank you,
datred

 
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Old 01-08-2009, 04:43 PM   #2
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Re: being kept a secret boyfriend's ex wife and kid

Well, thsi is a tricky one, and you may disagree, but I don't really think it's your job to get him over his ex. It's something he either decides to do or not. If it were me, and this is just me, I would tell him that he's still married in his heart and I have no desire to date a married man and when he ever feels ready to move on with his life for real, then I hope he'll give me a call.

I can understand him not wanting to hurt his wife. An ex husband ending up with someone 10 years younger would be a slap in the face to even the most secure of women. But he can't forge a relationship with you or anyone else as long as he's still devoting so much time to her. To an extent, when you date a man who has an ex wife and kids, you will naturally always come in third as his kids will always be first, as they should be, and she will be second as the mother of his kids. But there can usually be some kind of healthy balance. It doesnt' sound like he's trying to work out any kind of balance.

I personally am just not very subtle. the direct approach is not always the best, but it's really the only way I know. I think I'd probably say something like "so when do I get to stop being your dirty little secret and actually get to be your girlfriend?" If that didn't get through to him, I'd use the above. I mean, really, how great can he be, and how wonderful can your relationship be, if he's always making you feel like the other woman/third place Charlie?

 
Old 01-08-2009, 05:02 PM   #3
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IZZY'SMOM HB User
Re: being kept a secret boyfriend's ex wife and kid

OMG...
I was in this situation about 12 years ago. I actually was roommates with the guy and we became involved. He told me he was divorced, and they had a son, who was 4, and that he would be spending a night or two over there to babysit while she worked late shift.

It didnt bother me until we were "together" and then I always thought it was wierd that he wouldnt anwer his pager when he was there, and would say he was coming home but if he didnt "he always slept on the couch."

I finally got smart because the same thing was going on as in your situation, and I called her at work. I knew where she worked.
I called her and told her who I was and did she know that we were in a relationship, because I wanted her to feel comfortable knowing her son was over once in awhile, ect. [He would always meet her downstairs in the lobby, we lived in a highrise] And she came uncorked. She told me they were still married, only separated, and that he was telling her he wanted to work it out, ect. The nights he was over there spending the night, of course, they were sleeping together, ect. She was always off work at 5pm, she didnt even work a late shift.

WEll, when he found out he about crapped. He was working out of town, [a job that I foud out later allowed him to have even MORE women he was involved with] it was a mess. I ran so fast and he just couldnt believe that I called his wife and she dumped him too, but only for a bit.

Then a few years back someone told me that they got back together, and now they are divorced. Dumping him was the best thing I ever did in my life. He was one of those guys that if you caught him in something he would fly into a rage. I also had an ex who was in law enforcement who ran him, because after I left him he was stalking me and making threats. I really upset his plan. He had domestic viloence stuff way back with other women while he was married, ect.

I knew in my heart that he was doing something, and I was tired of being his little secret. I wasnt to anyone else, but I was to her thats for sure.
Im just telling you my story. Dont take being the "dirty secret." Usually if you are being kept a secret its for a huge reason. Personally, I think hes playing both ends. Everything youve said is exactly the same stuff this jerk was telling me, to the "T".

Good luck, if he gets all defensive, then you either have your answer, of if hes all calm then hes pretty smooth. SEVEN months??? Tell him if you cant meet the kid and his ex, then you are out the door. I hope Im wrong for your sake, I really do. I just hope that he doenst think you being so young means that you are clueless and wont catch on IF he is doing something wrong. He does need to make a choice to either make you a healthy part of his life or let you find someone else who will. I agree that its hard when a man has kids because they will always come first. Believe me, I have a son, and he will always come first. But my hubby now knows that, he has kids from a previous, as well, and you just have to deal and I agree, find a balance.
xoxoxoxoxo,
IZZY'SMOM

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 01-08-2009 at 05:17 PM.

 
Old 01-08-2009, 06:27 PM   #4
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Redneon82 HB User
Re: being kept a secret boyfriend's ex wife and kid

He's still with his ex. That is blatantly obvious. You know, people can tell you something that isn't true. It's lying. My best friend had the hardest time with this concept because she's the most honest person you'd ever meet and couldn't fathom that some people LIE! So when he tells you he loves you, it's just so you'll keep sleeping with him. Awful of him to take advantage of you like that!

I dated a guy who told me he was "protecting" a woman friend from her psycho ex (so he told me). He also "slept on the couch" at her place several nights a week to help keep her safe (right...). I finally found out that they were actually LIVING TOGETHER and he'd told her he was working out of town on the nights he spent with me.

Demand the truth. Tell him you want to know once and for all if he's still having a relationship with his ex. If he acts sketchy, run for the hills.

 
Old 01-09-2009, 01:34 PM   #5
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nubiangoddess05 HB User
Re: being kept a secret boyfriend's ex wife and kid

This is my honest, impartial opinion. I am placing myself in your shoes and to be really honest, your post is what motivated me to register to this site. What is it about this guy that is telling you he is the absolute best thing to ever happen to you? It has to be whatever he does or says when you are together because when his "family" comes into play, he seems to forget just how special you really are. For some reason he feels the need to keep you a secret from his wife and it is leaning more towards unfaithfulness. That comes in many forms. He doesn't have to be sleeping with her to be unfaithful to you. I believe he is deceiving you and his wife. He is telling her one thing - to make her believe he is still single and trying to get himself together; then on the other hand he is leading you to believe you are so special to him. Put yourself first here. If you think about it, he really isn't the glamorous things you mentioned him to be or you wouldn't be hurting and seeking advice right now. Reality tells you that he isn't Prince Charming after all because he leaves you high and dry when the wife and kid are around. Surely after 7mths of dating and becoming emotionally intimate, you are worthy of meeting his 12yr old. We aren't speaking about a toddler who might become confused, but a mature young boy with the ability to realize and understand that his parents are no longer together but are allowed to love him the same and introduce new relationships where others will grow to love him as well, ex: you! Sit down and have a long talk with him about your feelings, you can't become so overwhelmed with how he might react that you continue to allow yourself to come in second for the sake of saving the relationship. How long does he expect this to go on, it's been almost a year!? I hope you know how special you truly are and that you can offer someone the best of you, and you should only accept that in return. Never "SETTLE", that is the worst thing you can do to yourself and your relationship! (I speak from experience)

Last edited by nubiangoddess05; 01-09-2009 at 01:36 PM.

 
Old 01-09-2009, 01:55 PM   #6
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Re: being kept a secret boyfriend's ex wife and kid

This just all seems messed up to me. Why doesn't he just go back to his wife...it's like they are a couple anyway with the constant communications. I'd wonder if they are even divorced at all. Supposedly they've been divorced for 2 years but he's not allowed to date anyone?...see that makes no sense!
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