I am tired of being lonely in my own home... - Relationship Health Message Board

JCoggin · 01-15-2009, 01:26 PM

I have been faithfully married for 18 years and have two living daughters 11 and 7, our first daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks in 1996….My wife was a stay at home mom from 1997 until 2006, she now works as the school nurse at my older daughter’s school…

My current situation began back in 1999 – 2000 when our oldest daughter started sleeping in our bed...I was the one that eventually moved to the “other end of the house” and that is where I remain today, hence the reason I am here…I have actually moved back into the master bedroom but now my wife sleeps with our 7 year old. She says that she does this because our daughter is a bed-wetter and she sleeps with her so that she can get her up during the night to use the bathroom…

Needless to say this living arrangement has rendered our love life to nothing. To be quite honest there is absolutely no intimacy or anything in our marriage whatsoever, nothing…This arrangement does not seem to bother my wife because she feels that her only responsibility is to take care of the kids, VERY overprotective which I am sure comes from losing our first daughter as well as multiple miscarriages….Meanwhile I go to bed every night alone and wake up that way, I am past the point of being fed up with this arrangement. I have worked very hard to be an excellent provider for my family and have stayed 100% faithful to my wife. I just feel like I am being taken advantage of to be quite honest. I need to feel loved by my wife because she is the only family that I have, both of my parents are deceased and I have no siblings. Am I being unreasonable thinking that things should be different? We do not argue about this because I simply keep it all to myself. My wife is very soft hearted and gets her feelings hurt very easily.

I guess I could ramble on here for hours but I am sure that you all get the idea. Any advice whatsoever would be greatly appreciated. I can tell you that there is no way she would ever go for counseling due to some bad experiences after losing our first baby.

Thanks in advance for the help….

BigRed54 · 01-15-2009, 01:40 PM

There is no way you should have to settle for that type of a life. No one deserves that. I would guess it does have a little to do with your wife's miscarriage, but 12 years is a long time to carry that guilt. It sounds like your wife would benefit from therapy if she hasn't had any in the past. She has become complacent with the way things are, and is doing your girls absolutely NO good acting this way. They need to grow up to learn to solve their own problems, live their own lives, and she is holding them back.

Can you try to broach the subject gently with her, let her know it is hurting you to live this way and that you would like her to go to counseling with you? I'm not really sure what would be the best way to approach this, especially since you say she's very tender hearted. But you should not have to walk on egg shells, and should never have to hold your own concerns or feelings inside. That's not a marriage, that's a prison.

If you guys have a family doctor that you both see, maybe you could make an appointment and discuss it with him. Or a minister if you attend church? Good luck!

GJ777 · 01-15-2009, 02:13 PM

I don't know what to tell you about your wife, but I want to share this:

I grew up in a household where my parents had no intimacy. My Father slept in the master bedroom and my Mother slept in a different room. They didn't love one another anymore, they had no intimacy (they didn't even kiss, hold hands or hug) and I'm confident that my Father was seeing other people. They were emotionally separated and the only reason they didn't physically separate was become of money.

Please, do not do this. I still attribute this situation (with others as well) as the major contributor to why I have such a hard time with relationships. I'm not going to psychoanalyze myself here, but I know that my parents' rift is a large reason why I have a hard time with women. I'm not a psychiatrist so I will refrain from attempting to explain the damage or impact it had on me because I lack the credibility to advise you. But I will say that this sort of arrangement can have a terrible impact not only on you, but on your children, as well.

I really hope you can repair your marriage, but if you can't, I hope you'll consider what I've said. Please don't think I'm trying to tell you what to do. I only want to share my story as it may help.

BeaTrade · 01-15-2009, 02:27 PM

You don't have a wife, you have a roommate...or should I say "house mate".

redsoxgirl2418 · 01-15-2009, 02:32 PM

Over this period of time, have you ever brought this up with your wife? Back when your oldest started sleeping in your bed? Does your wife have any idea how you feel about it?

My other question would be, have you tried ways to rekindle the relationship with your wife? And i'm not just talking about sex....do you help her out around the house and with the kids, spend time with her, have you tried planning dates or brought her little gifts, flowers, etc.? I'm not trying to blame you for this, I'm just asking questions. I put myself in the place of your wife and the only thing that would make me act the way she is acting (not that I would do what she did, I prefer talking things out...) would be if my husband wasn't pulling his weight, wasn't treating me well, wasn't paying attention to me...things like that. Is it possible that there was something missing from your relationship before you realized it? At the very least, the lack of communication in your marriage is a huge problem. You need to find a way to talk to your wife about this if you want to fix it. Don't be afraid to hurt her feelings, just approach it as you want to fix the relationship. My advice would be to arrange to have a night/weekend without the kids, send them to grandma's or to a friend's house, make a nice dinner for your wife or take her out somewhere nice, and talk to her in a non confrontational way about things that have happened and suggest ways to change.