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Old 01-17-2009, 08:21 AM   #1
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When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

I posted a couple months ago about my situation. Rather than repeat all of that stuff here again, let my give you the very short of it. My high school sweetheart found me online. We "feel in love" and shortly afterward she kicked her husband of 18 years out of the house and immediately moved me in. She claims that she loves me and needs me and all that stuff. I am generally very happy with her. Her kids have pretty much accepted me and her husband has been really nice to me and there hasn't been any violence or too much trouble from him.

I gave up my whole previous life to be with her. I moved 70 miles away from my family and stopped doing several things that I really enjoyed just to make her happy.

I only asked her to do one thing for me. That being that she have no contact with her husband than absolutely needed so they could do the kid swap thing. She refuses. She has kissed him a few times since we've been together and every time they are together I know they hug because I smell his cologne on her. It is driving me insane.

She won't stop talking to him on the phone, won't just part ways when their son's counseling sessions are over, and recently sent her husband a text saying that still loves him and misses him very much. I have begged her to promise me she will cut him out of her life but she just will not. I cut everything out of my life that she didn't like and she won't do this one thing for me.

Now their counseling is branching into "marriage counseling" so they will learn to get along so her son won't be so upset. She is all for it. They fought like cats and dogs for 18 years and she won't let him go.

I am thinking seriously about leaving her.

Am I being too impatient or too insistent? They've only been apart for a couple months now. He tried to kill her when he found out about us. She acts like it was no big deal and can't seem to keep that fact in her mind. He tried to kill her.

If I just keep my mouth shut and allow them to be together am I jeopardizing my relationship with her? She knows how badly it hurts me when they talk or spend ANY time together yet she will not assure me that she will stop it. He abused and ignored her for most of their marriage and yet if I step out of line she threatens me that she will kick me out. I feel like he is still most important in her life.

I had to insist that she get separation papers and even had to draw them up myself. She stalled and stalled and when it came time to sign them she cried like a baby and told him she still loved him and all that.

Am I being a fool by thinking she will eventually turn to me and let him go?

 
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Old 01-17-2009, 08:34 AM   #2
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

I am kind of confused - you mentioned at first that there was no violence from the husband, and then you said that he tried to kill her when he found out about her relationship with you. That being said, you have to remember that she was with this man for 18 years, and has children with him. If they go forward with the divorce, then he will undoubtedly be a part of her life still. To me, it sounds like your girlfriend is very confused right now and doesn't know what she wants. I think that to be fair to everyone involved (including yourself, and the kids) you need to give her some space to figure out what she wants to do with this.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 08:43 AM   #3
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

This is a very personal decision, but if it was me, I wouldn't put too much hope in this relationship. It doesn't sound as if your gf really respects you or considers your feelings very much, you seem to fill a void in her life. Since she and her husband have children together, they are always going to be a part of each other's lives. But, your gf doesn't have to hugh him and kiss him, especially as you've told her that it bothers you. It also doesn't sound as if she really wanted to get divorced. It doesn't matter how he treated her, a lot of people love people who abuse them. You should reconsider this relationship. Maybe it is you and she who need counseling together to see if there is any future for your relationship.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 09:04 AM   #4
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

I may be confusing you with someone else but didn't everyone tell you to leave this woman alone because she probably wouldn't leave her husband? From personal experience...it's not so easy to just leave and forget about a husband that you've lived with for many many years no matter how stupid they were! The song "Torn Between Two Lovers" keeps going through my mind.
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 01-17-2009 at 09:06 AM.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 10:23 AM   #5
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

The lack of violence I mentioned was towards me. I was really worried I would be killed at one point by him.

And yes, I was told to leave her alone. But I could not stop myself. I tried, but seem compelled to be with this woman.

 
Old 01-17-2009, 03:12 PM   #6
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

What struck me was when you said this all pretty much happened within 2 months? She moved you in straight away? Told you she loved you etc? Maybe I have it wrong, but that alone would ring alarm bells for me.

It sounds like she is very very confused and in the meantime, wants to have her cake and eat it too.

This was someone she was married to for 18yrs! Thats a long time. And she had kids with him. If there is some way that they can work things out and be happy, I'm sorry to say..but that would be very important. Divorce is always so so sad.

But its about time you start looking out for yourself, if you dont like the way your being treated..then leave. Tell her she needs to sort herself out and decide what she wants. I know it will hurt but it wont hurt as much as staying with someone who doesnt treat you good.
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Old 01-17-2009, 10:22 PM   #7
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

Kissing and hugging an ex is overboard. Yes, she has to see him because of the kids but if shes with you there's no need for physical contact with him.

She has refused to stop and it does sound like she must have an attachment to him. You just don't kiss an ex in my opinion especially since she knows it bothers you.

This sounds like a no win situation. I'd let her go. She has a decision to make but until then - I'd end the relationship. If she really wants this to work with you, she'd stop the physical contact with him. I think you have your answer by her unwillingness to do so.

 
Old 01-18-2009, 08:47 AM   #8
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_hands View Post
What struck me was when you said this all pretty much happened within 2 months? She moved you in straight away? Told you she loved you etc? Maybe I have it wrong, but that alone would ring alarm bells for me.

It sounds like she is very very confused and in the meantime, wants to have her cake and eat it too.

This was someone she was married to for 18yrs! Thats a long time. And she had kids with him. If there is some way that they can work things out and be happy, I'm sorry to say..but that would be very important. Divorce is always so so sad.

But its about time you start looking out for yourself, if you dont like the way your being treated..then leave. Tell her she needs to sort herself out and decide what she wants. I know it will hurt but it wont hurt as much as staying with someone who doesnt treat you good.
Today makes exactly 3 months since we emailed back and forth the first time. To say that she moved me in straight away would be an understatement. She kicked her husband out in the morning and I moved in that evening. You should have seen the looks on her kid's faces. It was heartbreaking. She told me she loved me in the first week we were talking. We dated for 5 years starting back when she was 12 and I was 14. Then we lost contact for 20 years.

I have been pulling back emotionally from her for the last few days. I know I am going to have to leave pretty soon. I don't want to though. Her kids have finally started to accept me and I really like them. They need an intelligent man around to teach them things and show them how things work. I hate to say it, but both her and her husband are dullards. They are not smart. There are no books in the house. They don't read, watch the news, or try to learn or experience new things. My IQ is roughly double hers and it's very hard to talk about anything with her. She can't grasp most simple subjects it appears.

I don't know why I feel such a strong attachment to her. I can't explain why I have these feelings for her. They make no sense. But yet I do and I can't seem to shake them. I know we moved too fast. I told her it was too fast but she insisted I move in right away. Now here I am. The one thing I have asked of her is that she have no contact with her soon to be ex other than what is needed for the kids. But she will not agree to it. We spend nearly every waking moment together. My job is in it's slow time so I have very little work to do right now and she got fired from her part time minimum wage job a month ago. I feel I need to watch her like a hawk anyway. The only way I can get time to write to this forum is when she is sleeping.

I have this hope that she will see how badly it hurts me for her to talk with her husband and all that, but I honestly don't think she is smart enough to make the connection. I have told her that every woman I have gotten attached to has had some other man in their lives and that I broke it off with them due to that attachment. Yet she doesn't seem to grasp that I will do the same to her if she doesn't let him go. Either that or she just plain doesn't care. I can't tell.

I hate that I will have to leave. I don't want to. I like caring for her. I do love her. She seems to love me. And I really don't want to put her kids through any more grief. They are victims in all this and like I wrote, need someone to teach them how to grow up and be ready for the world. Her 17 year old is still just a kid where my sons when they were that age basically were adults and ready for the challenges that face them in the adult world.

I feel stifled and way over her league. It's like living in an ape house at times. Yet I like it here. If I could just deal with her husband and her having a "friendship" I would probably get along just fine. But I don't think I can deal with it. I just don't know what to do.

I have told myself that I will give her until their tax refund comes to make up her mind. If she still can't put him out of her life then I will take the money that I have spent these last two months out of that refund and leave. I don't know what else I can do. Am I being too quick to give up? Should I just be patient and wait for her feelings for him to fade away? The kicker for me is that her youngest son threatened suicide at school over this and now they have to go to counseling. Part of this counseling is marriage counseling. The point of that is to teach them how to get along for her son's sake. I fear that if they learn to get along then I will be superfluous and will get the boot.

Should I give up on her and take the hit to my heart and move on or wait it out?

Last edited by -CvC-; 01-18-2009 at 09:22 AM.

 
Old 01-18-2009, 10:09 AM   #9
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

I remember that when you posted about this before, everyone told you that you shouldn't move in with her and basically, all of us said that exactly this problem would happen. But you kept saying no, no it will be fine, blah blah blah. And now, as you can see, you're in exactly the kind of mess all of us said you would be in, if you went forward with this.

The fact that her kid is threatening suicide over the situation is one big huge problem and issue, which unfortunately you and the mom are directly responsible for bringing into his world, probably forcing him to feel like he has no way out. I mean, this is really serious stuff, here. And really, her relationship with her ex is honestly the least of your problems.

Even though I know you're not going to listen, I still think you should just cut ties with this entire situation and go seek therapy. You have posted before that all of the women that you keep dating are already married. And the bottom line of why you're in this situation right now is because you have a serious problem and pattern with dating emotionally unavailable women. If you really want your life to change for the better, it is in your best interest to seek counseling to find out the heart of the matter, and find out how to resolve this problem. Your life is going to continue to go down this path if you don't change course. And this is a perfect time to do so, because you're totally miserable living with this person whom you've called a dullard and whom you've said doesn't live up to your IQ anyway. You would lose nothing by leaving, but you could potentially gain a lot of insight into yourself if you moved into your own place and got some therapy. That's the best thing you could do for yourself right now.

 
Old 01-18-2009, 11:38 AM   #10
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

All I can say is wow.

Your IQ is 99% likely not to be roughly double than hers unless she is mentally retarded and you are highly or profoundly gifted. Look it up. Is that what you're suggesting???

To me, your posts have a ring of arrogance. If I were you, I'd maybe take a step back and look at the big picture and my behaviour in all this. It might be humbling.

Moving in to her home with her kids (and judging her parenting and believing you can now raise them better when they are practically adults, and you've only known them for 3 months), the day the children's father left is one of the most irresponsible things I have heard of in a LONG time - on both your ends. Who cares if she was insisting - did she force you in at gunpoint? YOU made that choice. Her poor kids' world fell apart that morning and you move in that same day and expect to be viewed as a role model a/o some sort of life guide? WOW.


And then its somehow confusing to you that she has mixed feelings about the father of her children whom she was with for that long? I can't comprehend that if you are as intelligent as you claim, how YOU can't understand that she is going through a 100% life change, her child is threatening suicide and she is getting to know the 20 year older you. You don't seem to really get it. I also can't comprehend that you asked her to cut her children's father, and up until recently, her life partner, out of her life this soon after they broke up. How can you DEMAND that? With all thats going on, ad the pressure and demands coming from you, no wonder why she's seeking out the comfort of the life she is used to. Have you ever heard of the concept of a person (she) resisting someone else's (your) control? You tell a person no enough, and they will become sneaky to do whatever it is that you don't approve of to exert their independence.
Also, you say you told her about leaving a previous partner who was still attached to an ex. And you don't understand how your current gf didn't pick up on your underlying threat. But if is such a dullard as you claim, how can she pick up on that? why don't you act like an adult and tell her directly that if she keeps it up, you're planning to leave when you can get some money from her tax refund?


In the end, I think if you really do want to be with her, you need to back off in a huge way. you need to appreciate that she is under a lot of stress from many areas of her life and be supportive not more controlling. you need to communicate with her. or, like your plan is now, you can be a coward, disrupt lives and run away now because its uncomfortable for you. You definitely don't have to stay. But I think right now, as in any relationship with compromise, it has to be mostly about her, and you need to remember your place. YOU are the other man, the cause of disrupt (drawing up her divorce papers too...) and in my opinion, you need to remember that before you go off and make judgments and demands.

Last edited by jozi209; 01-18-2009 at 11:46 AM.

 
Old 01-18-2009, 01:07 PM   #11
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jozi209 View Post
All I can say is wow.

Your IQ is 99% likely not to be roughly double than hers unless she is mentally retarded and you are highly or profoundly gifted. Look it up. Is that what you're suggesting???

To me, your posts have a ring of arrogance. If I were you, I'd maybe take a step back and look at the big picture and my behaviour in all this. It might be humbling.

Moving in to her home with her kids (and judging her parenting and believing you can now raise them better when they are practically adults, and you've only known them for 3 months), the day the children's father left is one of the most irresponsible things I have heard of in a LONG time - on both your ends. Who cares if she was insisting - did she force you in at gunpoint? YOU made that choice. Her poor kids' world fell apart that morning and you move in that same day and expect to be viewed as a role model a/o some sort of life guide? WOW.


And then its somehow confusing to you that she has mixed feelings about the father of her children whom she was with for that long? I can't comprehend that if you are as intelligent as you claim, how YOU can't understand that she is going through a 100% life change, her child is threatening suicide and she is getting to know the 20 year older you. You don't seem to really get it. I also can't comprehend that you asked her to cut her children's father, and up until recently, her life partner, out of her life this soon after they broke up. How can you DEMAND that? With all thats going on, ad the pressure and demands coming from you, no wonder why she's seeking out the comfort of the life she is used to. Have you ever heard of the concept of a person (she) resisting someone else's (your) control? You tell a person no enough, and they will become sneaky to do whatever it is that you don't approve of to exert their independence.
Also, you say you told her about leaving a previous partner who was still attached to an ex. And you don't understand how your current gf didn't pick up on your underlying threat. But if is such a dullard as you claim, how can she pick up on that? why don't you act like an adult and tell her directly that if she keeps it up, you're planning to leave when you can get some money from her tax refund?


In the end, I think if you really do want to be with her, you need to back off in a huge way. you need to appreciate that she is under a lot of stress from many areas of her life and be supportive not more controlling. you need to communicate with her. or, like your plan is now, you can be a coward, disrupt lives and run away now because its uncomfortable for you. You definitely don't have to stay. But I think right now, as in any relationship with compromise, it has to be mostly about her, and you need to remember your place. YOU are the other man, the cause of disrupt (drawing up her divorce papers too...) and in my opinion, you need to remember that before you go off and make judgments and demands.
i think this comment is right on the mark.

I also believe that this isn't all about the fact that she won't cut all communication with her soon-to-be-ex. I think that you realized pretty quick that despite this "amazing connection that brought you together after 20 years" blah blah blah, that you really didn't know her and she isn't what you thought--and, the transition into this new life wasn't as smooth as you thought it would be. I also think you might be someone who likes the thrill of the chase of a married woman and the forbidden nature of such relationships, and now that's gone because her husband left.

You are in no way perfect. You have many, many problems and issues that you should get some help with. So don't judge other people on their life and parenting skills and all that.

Just one last thing to throw in, how on earth do you think you are entitled to some of their tax return money? Whether you spent money moving or took part in paying for the regular expenses of living in a house, you don't deserve a cent of that back, because you chose to move and you chose to live there under that roof and use those utilities and eat there and sleep there. If you fixed things up, you chose to do that and wouldn't expect that money back if you remained in a relationship with this woman. That money comes from her and her husband and the money they made last year. Saying that you're waiting for that just shows what an incredible sense of entitlement and arrogance you truly have.

 
Old 01-19-2009, 06:45 AM   #12
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

I agree with the last couple posters that you need to take a step back, realize your role in this mess, and understand this is exactly why it's not good to continually get involved with married women. Karma, dude! So you don't like the idea of another man hugging and kissing on your woman? You don't like that she's obviously thinking of another man in ways that pulls on her heartstrings? How many men are there out there that can say the exact same things about you?

Sorry, but for the posters that have read your stories for the past few years, what kind of advice are you really expecting? All I can offer is:

Next time, PLEASE find an available woman. If they have a ring on their finger or refer to their HUSBAND in the present tense, step away. Don't touch. They are off limits. It doesn't matter how smart they appear to be, how "on par" with your "intellect" they are, how great a kiss was with them 20 years ago. Just leave them be.

 
Old 01-19-2009, 07:57 AM   #13
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Re: When will gf let go of husband and make a new life with me?

I think you also need to ask yourself, why you feel the need to rescue??
does it make you feel more important? more in control?
I don't see why you would want to be with a "dullard" (your words)
unless it was because you feel she needed to be rescued or you wanted to control someone.......
think about it....

 
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