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Old 01-26-2009, 02:50 PM   #1
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deardaisy HB User
When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell.

I'm posting my story because I need some place to put this pain.
I'm 21 years old, 22 in April. I first started dating my boyfriend when I was 16 years old. We met while working together at a supermarket, also my first job. I am finding it ironic that I had a crush on several different boys that summer, he was just the first to return the affections. In short our relationship was a giddy whirl-wind romance of spending almost every day together, etc, ect, and I am sure that we had problems right from the start but were involved with each other to notice. Within a few months we thought we were destined to get married, have babies etc. When we had problems we never talked about them, I was always moody and selfish, he, never having a girlfriend before, took it all in for almost 3 years until he had fallen back into depression and couldn't take it anymore. He broke up with me, on my birthday in fact. I was devastated, i didn't eat for about 5 days. In a week a convinced him to take me back, in the event that i make a lot of changes in a month (a red flag was far to upset to see). Being back together made me feel better, but it still wasn't feeling right. A month and a half later he broke up with me again. Again, I was horribly upset. I couldn't get him out of my heart or my mind. 3 months later we were back together. Again, I felt better, but things still weren't right. About 5 months later he broke up with me again. I was hurt and frustrated, and still couldn't get him out of my head. On top of all this I had a loan out for him under my name when he ran into some financial issues (A HUGE MISTAKE, and i knew this as soon as a did it) Fortunately, he is a good guy, and has always made the payments, though this often meant seeing him in person once a month for the money. Also, at some point during one of these break ups we started sleeping together. It only happened a few times, and once it started to hurt me emotionally, we ended it. During this break up I dated a guy for about a month, we only went out a few times and i ended up sleeping with him a) thinking I would create more feelings for him and b) to help myself get over my ex (that word seems so harsh). 8 months later, right before i was about to go off to my final two years of college, we got back together. It was a hard decision to make, i was scared to put myself through it again, but he made the idea awfully convincing and i was still in love with him. After and year and a half of college, in which I had to do most of the driving home for us to see each other we just recently broke up again, and today, i realize it's for good. I wish that I had realized this right before we got back together. I said no originally, and I should have kept my foot down, but i started to hurt worse again so I accepted him back into my life.
During the in betweens of all the breakups we never really fought but we hurt each others feeling alot and never really talked openly to one another about anything. He even just recently told me that I was the first woman he ever trusted (his mother is an alcoholic) and he still wasn't able to give himself to me completely. That hurts a lot, not only because he never felt, even after 5.5 years that he could, but also, because I'm sadly selfish, even though it will be good for him, that he'll find someone that he will be able to completely give himself to.
I should have realized that even after a year of us being back together, that I always had mixed feelings towards him. Not only this, but for awhile many times after having sex, I would cry. I am still yet to figure out why. That's one of the things that hurts a lot, is that we had a good sexual relationship, and it's really, really hard for me to think about sleeping with another man. However, it had been awhile since our intimacy had been truly romantic. I think maybe we had just begun perfecting "good sex." Being with him was always really comfortable for me, which is why i thought it felt so right. I thought it meant we were really meant to be together, and instead i think it was just because i'd spent so much time with him over the years. In fact (another red flag alert) it wasn't until i thought i might lose him again that i suddenly fell madly in love with him all over again. I myself and very confused as to what this means, and really wish I could get back to the place where I was unsure of my feelings.
It was today where we were having a conversation via email (probably another red flag that most of our conversations occurred over the internet) and he expressed to me that he really was hurting, that everything reminded him of me, that even certain music made him feel like crying. He even said that he thought we were going to work things out and then not long after i said that i thought i was best that we should break up. (i said this because i had no idea that he thought we were working things out, and thought my only other option was to wait to get dumped) I thought maybe I had a chance so I poured my heart out to him, and after he still put his foot down on the fact that we shouldn't be together, that it won't work, and that everyone he knows thinks we shouldn't be together, I realized it was really time to move on. We do both love each other, but maybe not in the right ways, or maybe love just isn't enough. During this time he's also been suffering through a bout of depression, which he has probably had for years.
Also, just last week I was diagnosed with depression that i've probably had for the majority of my life (at least 17 years). It really hurts me to think that many of our issues may have been caused simply because we were both depressed. I thought maybe, after some time, after we both got help we might be able to work it out, but i don't really think that's the case anymore.
I need a lot of time to myself. I think my depression has really held me back from growing within myself. I have too much work to do on myself before I ever think about getting into another relationship. And yes, I do know I will love again, and it will probably be an even better relationship then I have had all these years, but even knowing that, why is it still so hard to see?
I know I'm young still, but after having to take time for myself, I'm scared I'm not going to be able to have a future as I have pictured it for so long. That to is hard, I pictured my future with him for so long, that now i don't know what to picture. I don't really even know what I want. My future with him was the only thing I thought that I was sure of. Obviously, life goes on without him, it always does, but when will he get out of my head so that i can be happy enjoying my life for what it is? ...Hopefully, on some level the medication I'm on will help this a little bit, with some of the self happiness that is.
As far as moving on from this intense life-changing relationship; i don't know how.

Sorry for such a long post. I'm feeling a bit better at the moment just for getting it out, so thank you, if you've read it through.

Last edited by deardaisy; 01-26-2009 at 03:02 PM.

 
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Old 01-26-2009, 05:31 PM   #2
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Executor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB User
Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Quote:
Originally Posted by deardaisy View Post
I do know I will love again, and it will probably be an even better relationship then I have had all these years, but even knowing that, why is it still so hard to see?
Time heals all wounds Daisy....I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know it's gotta be tough. Try to hang in there as best you can.

This will probably won't give you a lot of consolation, but I have a story about three different HS friends I'd like to share with you. All three married their HS sweethearts. All three started dating around 14 or 15...I can't really remember after all these years. But, the point is that all three eventually got divorced in their mid to late 20s. Coincidence? Who knows. But, one has to wonder if their marriages eventually broke down because they started dating their eventual husbands so young and never really had any other experiences / relationships. I am particularly close to two of the three and both said in their own words that they woke up one day after being married for 10+ years and realized that they really weren't in love and didn't like the prospects of spending the next 50+ years with their spouses. In fact, one said that she was downright miserable and thought of her husband as more like a brother. In the third case, the husband ended up having an affair and the marriage broke down from there.

Now, I'm confident that many marriages not only survive, but thrive when then originate from their HS sweetheart. I'm not suggesting by any means that all are destined for failure. However, I have to wonder if far more don't make it (than do). In both of my girlfriend's cases, they both said that you "think" he's the one when you're younger, but not until you're older and really understand yourself, do you really know what you want in your life. I have to say that it has made me think about the situation, when I really had no other reason to. I married later in life and couldn't imagine marrying one of my first boyfriends. But, then again, I wasn't that grand about them either.

I know it's hard to realize it now, but you will meet lots of great men at some point. Try not to force it and let nature run it's course. I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason.

Regards,

Ex

 
Old 01-26-2009, 09:59 PM   #3
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Hi Daisy,

Your situations sounds a lot like mine and what I am going through right now too! I am also 21 and will be 22 in Feb. I know how hard it is to think about your future with out that special someone! I know that you are afraid of not having this person in your life, but have you actually thought about YOURSELF and how you would be better off without this person in your life! It took me a long time to figure this out, but now that I have accepted the truth and realized my ex was nothing I wanted in somebody I saw myself being with "forever!"

I will always love my ex because he was my first everything, but we had way to many problems the were beyond repair. None of my friends and family liked him and that is what really hurt me the most! Everybody tells me that I am too good for him and that I can do better, but I never felt that way about him! Ever! We dated for 4 years, the last year and a half were off and on and I was miserable without him and miserable with him, so either way I lost! During those 4 years I forgot who I was and what I stood for without realizing it! I was amazed at myself with how much I set aside my goals and values because of him! I let him hold me back, why because I loved him! But that is not love, love does not hold you back from your goals, hopes, dreams, and values! There was no way I can balance school, work, my internship, family, friends, and fighting with my boyfriend all at the same time! I am graduating in May and I have way to much going for me to let it all go for somebody who claims to "love" me! I want to start the next chapter in my life Happy!

So here is what I want to recommend to you, you need to take a break! You need to find yourself again and to do this is by spending time alone whether it is reading a good book, or watching your all favorite movies! Also spend time with your friends, if they are good friends they will understand how much you really need them right now and they will be there for you! Join a club or organization at school or do some volunteer work! Play sports or go to the gym and take your frustration out by exercising! Most importantly, I would highly recommend talking to a counselor even if you feel like you are ok and can deal with it yourself! Honestly, you are going to be thinking about him a lot and that is ok, but it isn't healthy because you will be holding yourself back by not allowing yourself to move on and forward! You need to not feel sorry for yourself! Even though you are sad, don't be afraid to laugh and don't turn down invites! You will be ok, just stay positive and focus on what is really important to YOU!

 
Old 01-26-2009, 10:44 PM   #4
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

DearDaisy,

I have to agree with Executor. All you need is time.

I went thru a similar situation many years ago. Mine included a child out of wedlock. So, you see, you are more fortunate than I.

I can say that after the darkness of depression. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to wait for it. I waited a year and a half. I spent a year and half soul searching...searching for myself. That was many years ago. After I found happiness in myself...learned to love myself... it also brought me a new love and other new loves after that until I found my husband. I am happily married going on 6 years.

May this new year bring you peace. I wish you the best.

 
Old 01-27-2009, 09:00 AM   #5
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Thanks so much for you're replies it means a lot.

No one in my life cares about my situation, and i think it's because i've spent most of my life NOT talking to anyone about my problems (i am thinking because of the depression). At one point some friends asked me how i was feeling, and while i was talking they basically started having their own side conversation. The only thing anyone ever seems to want to do is take me out drinking, or encourge me to go out drinking, and now that i'm on medication, i'm not too keen on the idea. You're not supposed to drink while taking it, and i've read that people that have end up getting sick or really, really bad hang overs. I'd rather not drink, then feel horribly ill. I think sometime I just need to reach out to someone and tell them i need to talk. Only a few people in my life even know that i've been diagnosed with depression.

Thanks for sharing your story mandabear my relationship wasn't <i>that</i> bad but it wasn't amazing either. It's comforting to know that someone else has gone through the same thing. It sort of just feels like I've lost so much time. I am keeping busy at school, a couple classes, an internship, a project, yoga club. I have also begun regular therapy for some of my other issues, so that will help in this situation too. I'm still having trouble seeing what my life "wasn't" because of him. It's true, I did begin community college instead of trying harder to get into a 4 years school because of him, but i don't really regret that. I don't know, I'm sure within time I'll realize more. I just really wish I could get back to that place in my heart where I was confused about my feelings for him. Instead, something made me cling on to him more...

Cassie you said: "After I found happiness in myself...learned to love myself... it also brought me a new love and other new loves after that until I found my husband."

That scares me too. I don't know if I ever want to experience heartbreak again. I've put myself through it so much already, and only with one guy! but i also have the dream of the husband and the kids. I guess the unknown is scary. When I had someone to make a mental picture of my future with, it was easy. I can still see myself wanting the same kind of life, it's just hard not picturing him in there too. It's like I've been through this so many times before that I don't want to feel it anymore. I just want it to all be gone. I want to be able to picture myself happy without any presence of him at all, because even when I do picture myself happy and single in some apartment with maybe a dog in my mind, he always ends up coming over to see said apartment, and i still have feelings for him. Damn my crazy imagination.

Thanks again for replying

 
Old 01-27-2009, 09:14 AM   #6
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Also, executor, an old friend of mine from elementary school, who i also went to high school with is marrying her HS sweetheart. She's been with him since the 8th grade. they only broke up once briefly because she thought she had a crush on someone else, this was our senior year of high school. He's also a few years old than her. However, there's been little doubt in some of my friends minds that shes cheated on him... no deffinate conclusions. Even though I am jealous (i've always wanted to that couple thats been together for years, and years and years) i'm interested to see how their marriage works out. we're not really in touch any more, but i see her from time to time. I wanted to be the girl that married her HS sweetheart, because that story seems so romantic, but I guess it's not really a romantic story when you have to add that you broke up half a dozen times...
I really just need to learn to keep the focus on myself for awhile, and stop thinking that i should have met my husband by now. I'm not really sure what it is. Most people my age can't even fathom the idea, where as if i had been in an excellent relationship i would have been ready to be married as soon as i was done with school. That was all I ever used to think about when i was a kid too...getting married and having a husband. there's so much more to life, i don't understand why that's all i've ever really wanted.

 
Old 01-27-2009, 09:26 AM   #7
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brokenhearted83 HB User
Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

I don't mean to scare you but it took me a while to get over my first love so I do know how you feel.


But it will only start to get better once you accept the relationship is over and you want to move on. Then the healing will start and gradually you'll feel better.

You must keep busy and do the things you enjoy most in life.

You are awfully young, so why not sit down with a pen and some paper and make a future plan? What are your dreams? New hobbies you'd like to try? Holidays you'd like to go on. Etc etc. Then start working on those plans.

This is what got me through my break up. But I kept going back to him and after many years I became very ill and I've only just gotten over it now. I feel incredible, I feel alive and happy. I feel awful for letting my creep ex sink me so low but what is done is done and I will never let that happen again.
So grab that pen and paper and start planning your new, happy life

You're not going to feel great overnight but give it time, and some patience and you'll get there.

We all go through this with our first love.

Goodluck!

 
Old 01-27-2009, 09:50 AM   #8
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

That "romantic story" is just that, a story. Nothing to do with the real world.

Yes, it does happen, but just because it didn't happen that way with you doesn't mean that your chances for a happy marriage are gone. My best friend didn't meet her husband until she was in her early 30s. All she ever wanted was to be married and have kids, and she moaned again and again about how she was doomed, expecially since I married at 22 and had my son at 24. But now she is married with a daughter, and I'm divorced...so see?

Go ahead and do the things you want to do in life and who knows what's around the corner?

 
Old 01-27-2009, 11:21 AM   #9
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Executor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB UserExecutor HB User
Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Quote:
Originally Posted by deardaisy View Post
. I wanted to be the girl that married her HS sweetheart, because that story seems so romantic, but I guess it's not really a romantic story when you have to add that you broke up half a dozen times...
As I'm sure you know, you can't force love to happen...It just happens. I don't mean to preach to you but rather offer simple advice and support....I am much older than you and please know that one day looking back, you will realize that this was simply a bump in the road. Once you are older, it doesn't matter "how" or "where" you met your husband or "how long" you were together. All that will matter is that you are happy and still together. Today's divorce rate is over 55% so couples that last are what's important. Remember, it's how you finish, not how you start.....

Regards,

Ex

 
Old 01-28-2009, 01:35 PM   #10
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Thanks again

I'm getting frustrated because I was doing better when we first broke up than I am now. I was focused on doing this for myself, and I guess now that I've determined that it really is over, I've lost that focus, and have become upset that we couldn't work on the relationship... and it doesn't help that my therapist was telling me ways in which things could be fixed. However, I haven't let myself contact him to tell him these ways, because i know it would be frivilous. I've even lost my appetite. I hate going through this, and I don't understand, after having gone through this several times before, why it still feels just as bad every time, especially since it didn't at first.

And really, what I do what is to figure out what I want for myself. I'm graduating college in May, and have no idea what I want to do next. I sometimes think I want to move away, but I don't know if I really actually do, or if I just want to run from my feelings. Also, I don't know how i could possibly move away without any money... and I'm not looking forward to moving back home either. :/

 
Old 01-28-2009, 01:56 PM   #11
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

My story is a lot like yours. I am 31 til next month and I began a relationship with my son's father (ex husband) when I was 16. He was my world, even though from the start it was unhealthy. We defied the odds to be together but in the end, we just weren't meant to be and realized we couldn't convince ourselves any different anymore. You will be fine. Now is the time to concentrate on your studies and hang out with friends. Enjoy your young life. You and your ex can still be friends as long as an agreement is reached that that's as far as it could ever go, at least until you are done with school and the two of you have had time to think and mature a bit more. The on again off again's have to stop, simply because it isn't healthy whether you are a depression sufferer or not. I found non-fiction books about relationships to be a great resource when I was going through my beginning stages of life without my ex. Try that.

Last edited by nubiangoddess05; 01-28-2009 at 01:57 PM.

 
Old 02-01-2009, 08:09 PM   #12
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

I have books coming in the mail, so I'm patiently waiting. Wouldn't you think, after going through this so many times, that I'd just be fed up with it by now? Having conversations about the relationship, has unfortunatly made things worse, so I'm not talking to him anymore. I hate feeling like this. In the past, i would feel extremely sad every morning, and by afternoon I would begin to feel better, and by night I was good... for that day, until the cycle repeated itself all over again. I'm doing the same thing again, except now, ALL of sunday is sadness. Not to mention, I can't get my mind to believe that it's over, and I want to get myself on board with that idea 110%, because I know if i don't i won't be able to move on, and without moving on i won't be able to find out who i am as a person, or find the happiness of being myself without having or even wanting a boyfriend, for the first time in many years. I'm frustrated that this is so difficult. I know what i want, but i can't convince myself of it. No matter where i picture myself in my mind, he always shows up! sometimes i even think about him as if we're not even broken up! like i'm just going to go home one day and be hanging out with him. I don't understand why I'm thinking like this, and I don't like it.

It's also fortunate that I only have to take two classes this semester, as I'm having a terrible time concentrating on my school work. I have to read things over and over again, because my mind just drifts off into intensely thinking about the breakup, or my weird scenarios. Also, fortunately, hardly any memories ever come to mind.. for now...

Last edited by deardaisy; 02-01-2009 at 08:14 PM.

 
Old 02-02-2009, 07:42 AM   #13
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Re: When you finally realize your first love isn't your last love, it hurts like hell

Does this sound like love/relationship addiction? or is this normal when going through a break up, because it almost seems a little strange to me?

 
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