My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. Her ex-boyfriend, by whom she is pregnant, is currently off the scene because she doesn’t trust him not to cheat on her, as he has in the past. At the time she and I got together last summer they were separated. But I didn’t realise the extent of their history, which eventually conspired against me as she got back with him. I was hurt but I accepted that they were well suited for each other and I tried to see her as a friend. We regularly spoke on the phone but never saw each other in person.
We had a falling out before Christmas and didn’t talk for a while because I over-stepped the mark and she said she didn’t need me making things more confusing for her. I accepted that. So I was surprised to hear from her again after Christmas. That’s when she told me she was pregnant and that she had split up with her boyfriend. Alarm bells started ringing straight away. Now a few weeks later, my concerns were realised when she asked me last Friday whether I was prepared to take on her and her baby.
The way she asked was as though she assumed that was what I wanted and she was very angry when I told her I only see her as a friend. Sure, we have been talking fairly regularly and we get along as friends and make each other laugh and reminisce about our time together. But I don’t think I gave any clear signals that I wanted to get back with her, let alone be a father to her baby. After she got angry we didn’t talk for a couple of days and, once again, I didn’t expect to hear from her. But she called me on Sunday evening and we cleared the air.
I’m not sure how to proceed. I want to be there for my ex-girlfriend as a friend and I can’t deny I still have romantic feelings towards her. But I know I couldn’t give her what she wants and needs. I want children but I want them to be my own and with the girl with whom I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life. However, it seems that neither of us can help ourselves, and we end up flirting whenever we talk.
I don’t know whether I should cut or reduce contact with my ex-girlfriend, or explain to her exactly how I feel and continue to be her friend but be stricter with myself to keep the boundaries distinct. I should add at this stage that it’s important for me to maintain a dialogue with her because my ex-girlfriend has a hard time of it with people letting her down, and I don’t want to be just another let down for her.
Has anybody got any experience of this kind of situation? Thank you
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
cut her out of your life COMPLETELY.....you already said she "conspired" against you.....
she's only contacting you because she WANTS something.......
money, security, a safety net.......
whatever it is, don't give her any of it.....
walk away and don't look back.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
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Originally Posted by rosequartz
cut her out of your life COMPLETELY.....you already said she "conspired" against you.....
she's only contacting you because she WANTS something.......
money, security, a safety net.......
whatever it is, don't give her any of it.....
walk away and don't look back.
Thanks for your reply, rosequartz. It makes uncomfortable reading for me I didn't actually say she conspired against me, but it is true that she did treat me badly. She led me to believe she was a free agent; whereas, I wonder whether she used me as a way to get her ex-boyfriend's attention, deliberately or subconsciously.
Undoubtedly she would look to any boyfriend to assist her financially when the baby has arrived. She will receive state benefits but they won't stretch far. But, as I've said, I just want to remain friends. However, whether I could stand by as a friend and watch her struggle for money is a different matter...
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
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Originally Posted by rosequartz
friends? friends don't treat people the way she treated you
trust me you're only around because you can DO something for her......once you've outlived your usefullness you will be history......
sorry it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth and I'm trying to save you the trouble and the heartache.
I appreciate your honesty, rosequartz, and it's far more useful to me than telling me what I want to hear, which is that things can continue with nobody getting hurt.
You've hit the nail on the head with the way this girl has treated me in the past. Even her best friend sided with me and said of her "She'll need you before you need her".
Like I said, it makes me uncomfortable but maybe you're right and I need to stop talking to her Thanks for seconding rosequartz's response, Jessica!
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
It isn't your responsibility to not let her down. It is her responsibility to seek help for how she feels about relationships. She seemed to set herself up for this breakup. You are walking down the wrong road if you think you can maintain a friendship with a women with her newborn...she has I am sure friends she doesn't need another friend. Once you have slept with the person there is no going back. It is female instinct to now find the baby a 'provider' whomever that may be....and there you are just waiting in the wings. You can never turn the hands of time back and she is not the same single gal you once knew...her whole chemical make up has changed forever. She is a single mother desperate for someone to help her with this infant...it is human nature. Don't you have other people in your life that you are friends with? Good luck time to move on.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
Hmm...seems like everyone is 100 percent sure this girl is some nasty biyatch, set out to use you. True, men can be pretty naive when it comes to women, but you should know her by now...better than any of us anyway, and if she is such a horrible person why did you stay in touch with her all this time? Besides, she isn't all that helpless, she can just have an abortion, right?
You have every right to be scared and feel trapped, but that doesn't suddenly change her from what you referred to as a friend to some huge blood sucking user. If you want to help a friend in need that is your choice, and I'm sure you'll know if she's using you eventually...time will tell. If not no one will blame you. Either way, she has a way out of it. People are just too weird man!
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
You have nothing to gain from this situation. You will lose a "not so good" friend but in the end, once you are over it, you will be far more grateful for pulling out. I can appreciate the fact that maybe you are her shoulder to lean on when she is doubting herself or her decisions, we all need those. However, what good could possibly come out of prolonging this "friendship"? She has hurt you and in essence, trampled all over your feelings in the past and then she comes running back to you when she realizes you were the better man for her all along. You really deserve to be surrounded by better friends. If she has family, they can be there for her and the baby and I am sure they won't let them suffer. You should back out of this now before you become attached to the baby who will be arriving soon.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
I have a friend who was living with a girl. She cheated on him, then moved her new boyfriend into their apartment and made my friend sleep on the couch. She then found herself pregnant and said it was the new boyfriend's baby. The new boyfriend refused to commit himself to her or the baby until he saw the results of a DNA test, and he moved out pending the birth of the baby and the test results. She then turned to my friend and said HE was the baby's father.
So basically, when one source of income and support for her baby moved out, she turned back to the guy she cheated on. She just wanted some guy to foot the bills. I thought it was very interesting how the baby's father changed so suddenly. She also refused to submit the baby to a DNA test after she was born, insisting that my friend was the father and that was it.
So yes, she may just be trying to find some source of financial support for her and her baby. I find it interesting that she contacted you after she was pregnant and suddenly wasn't mad anymore, then got mad again when you made it clear you didn't want a romantic relationship with her. Now she's being nice again? Fishy fishy...
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
Johnny, the one thing that's confusing me is when you said at Christmas time you had a fight with her because you "over-stepped the mark and she said she didn't need you making things more confusing." What does this mean exactly? It kind of sounds like you tried to kiss her, flirt with her aggresively, or behaved in some other way that went beyond just being friends. And that's why she said she figured being with her and taking on her child is what you would want. Am I wrong here?
In anyc ase, it sounds like both of you have a very hard time drawing that line and staying on the friends side of it. This is just my personal opinion, but I think the only time exes should even try to be friends is when both parties are completely totally over the romantic part of the relationship and they just want each other to be happy and sleeping with each other again never occurs to either of them. I don't think either one of you is there. I think if you can be friends with this girl and leave the past completely totally in the past, forgive everything, put the sexual romantic part totally behind you and treat her like you would any of your male friends, and make it clear to her that's all it's going to be, then maybe this has a shot. If you don't think you can do that, then I say let it lie. Tell her you're sorry but you think there's just too much complication to the situation and you don't want to lead her on or be led on, so it might be best to move on and wish her well.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
I second pretty much what everyone else has said. I also add "What about the ex??" He has come back to her before and most probably will again. I see a scenario of her living with you and the baby, and you both being torn apart when her ex comes to claim her back again, either with or without acknowledging the baby. The whole thing is fraught with disaster and heartbreak. Sera.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
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Originally Posted by Redneon82
I have a friend who was living with a girl. She cheated on him, then moved her new boyfriend into their apartment and made my friend sleep on the couch.
WTH? She breaks up with him, brings new bf in their apartment and your friend still stays there sleeping on the couch???
No wonder she did what she did, your friend is obviously spineless...
As for the person who posted this...well I'd normally be on his side, but I'm pretty sure if she wasn't pregnant he would gladly "take her back", have sex with her and all that goes with it...but since she's pregnant she suddenly turned into a huge persona non grata...
No one is saying you are responsible for the mess she got herself in, but you sure as hell are responsible for the mess YOU got yourself in.
Men
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
Hey, guys! Just a quick reply, whilst I'm at work, to say thanks for all your replies. I want to read them properly and get back to everyone when I'm at home later. In the mean time, I am scared for my ex-girlfriend and her baby because she was in hospital on Wednesday evening with stomach cramps. She has to wait until her next scheduled scan next Wednesday before finding out whether everything's okay. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy last year and now I am worried that it might happen again. I can't just ignore her in this situation
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
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Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng
Hey, guys! Just a quick reply, whilst I'm at work, to say thanks for all your replies. I want to read them properly and get back to everyone when I'm at home later. In the mean time, I am scared for my ex-girlfriend and her baby because she was in hospital on Wednesday evening with stomach cramps. She has to wait until her next scheduled scan next Wednesday before finding out whether everything's okay. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy last year and now I am worried that it might happen again. I can't just ignore her in this situation
You don't have to ignore her. But this hasn't got much to do with you, Johnny.
Your not the father, you're not in a relationship, nor do you want to be in a relationship.
You'll not only be doing yourself a favour by backing off away from this situation but also her - she also doesn't need someone confusing her.
I think you should gently pull away and who knows may be in the years to come you can be friends?
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng
Hey, guys! Just a quick reply, whilst I'm at work, to say thanks for all your replies. I want to read them properly and get back to everyone when I'm at home later. In the mean time, I am scared for my ex-girlfriend and her baby because she was in hospital on Wednesday evening with stomach cramps. She has to wait until her next scheduled scan next Wednesday before finding out whether everything's okay. She suffered an ectopic pregnancy last year and now I am worried that it might happen again. I can't just ignore her in this situation
well if it happens there is nothing you can do about it.
does she have a mother? let her mother worry about it.
she's not your responsibility, this baby is not your responsibility.
you're not ignoring her, you're just not getting involved where it's not your place to be involved. save yourself a lot of trouble down the line, don't be involved with her or her problems, let her deal with the mess she's gotten herself into. Don't be so willing to let yourself be used and tossed aside when she's got no more use for you. You're not the white knight on the horse swooping down to rescue her.....don't try to be.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
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Originally Posted by brokenhearted83
You'll not only be doing yourself a favour by backing off away from this situation but also her - she also doesn't need someone confusing her.
I agree with what you're saying here, brokenhearted83. I have told her that I would like to see her get back with her ex-boyfriend - as long as she can trust him - for their sake and that of the baby. However, whilst I'm around, with the history between us, I am limiting the possibility of that eventuality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
does she have a mother? let her mother worry about it.
she's not your responsibility, this baby is not your responsibility.
you're not ignoring her, you're just not getting involved where it's not your place to be involved. save yourself a lot of trouble down the line, don't be involved with her or her problems, let her deal with the mess she's gotten herself into. Don't be so willing to let yourself be used and tossed aside when she's got no more use for you. You're not the white knight on the horse swooping down to rescue her.....don't try to be.
Thanks, rosequartz. My ex-girlfriend's mother is an alcoholic and not really the best role model. But she has a good relationship with her; although, her father disapproves of her intending to raise a baby as a single parent. She is therefore going to move into state accomodation.
I find it a bit sad that the advice here, in the main, is for me to distance myself from the situation. I understand that any involvement at this stage could lead to hassle for me. But I see a friend in a lonely situation and I find it very hard to put that to the back of my mind.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng
I understand that any involvement at this stage could lead to hassle for me. But I see a friend in a lonely situation and I find it very hard to put that to the back of my mind.
You are seeing it exactly as she wants you to. She is reaching out to you now because her baby's father isn't around anymore. You can bet if he showed back up & was supportive your friendship would be right back out the window.
The way girls can get guys to fall for this is unbelieveable. The "poor me" routine. My guy's ex pulls the "poor me" routine all the time, and he used to fall for it, but then he got wise.
Re: Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyBoateng
I find it a bit sad that the advice here, in the main, is for me to distance myself from the situation. I understand that any involvement at this stage could lead to hassle for me. But I see a friend in a lonely situation and I find it very hard to put that to the back of my mind.
you're being manipulated.....you don't see it right now, that's the characteristic of manipulation. She wants you to see her as the victim, that's her plan.......
Can my pregnant ex-girlfriend and I be friends? 
I didn't actually say she conspired against me, but it is true that she did treat me badly. She led me to believe she was a free agent; whereas, I wonder whether she used me as a way to get her ex-boyfriend's attention, deliberately or subconsciously.
