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Old 01-28-2009, 12:09 PM   #1
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SO children?

I have a bit of a question that I feel is selfish. I know I am wrong for thinking this way, I'm just trying to figure out why I'm thinking/feeling this way.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now. Yesterday he got to sharing with me how much he missed his kids. He hasn't seen them since April of 2008. He does talk/text them very often, that is the only contact he has with them. He is not in really good standings with his EX.

I feel bad for him when I see him sad but at the same time I feel this is the consequences of his actions ( I don't dare tell him this ). See his ex and him didn't have the best relationship, they like going back in forth hurting each other with whatever. She uses the kids a lot.

When they went to court to finalize visitations he was only granted every other weekend, that was not good enough for him and he walked out of court (big mistake). She then moved out of state which she was entitled to only now making it harder for him to see his kids.

I suggested that he go see them. He says that's not enough...........plus I think he's trying to avoid any drama with her (the ex) and her father.

I makes me feel uncomfortable when I hear him share these things with me, sometimes even jealous but again I don't dare share my feelings about this. I'm trying to be supportive.

What do you guys suggest that I handle this matter?

 
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Old 01-28-2009, 12:53 PM   #2
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Re: SO children?

What is it that makes you jealous? The fact that he has kids that he desperately wants to see, or the fact that he will have to deal with his ex in order to spend time with his children? It seems like the both of them made childish decisions in their past that led to the demise of their relationship. Some women fail to realize that it is the children who are the greatest sufferers when we prohibit their father from being involved in their lives. The best advice I can give you is to suggest he obtain a lawyer of his own. He needs to take her back to court to get more visitation rights, perhaps to be able to get them for a month during the summer, every other holiday and every other weekend. At least if he wins his case, he could get them as early as this summer for an entire month without having to deal with his ex. Good luck!

 
Old 01-28-2009, 01:17 PM   #3
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Re: SO children?

I commend any father for any, and all efforts he makes towards remaining in close contact with his children. The law is on his side.

I too, would make a motion in family court to adjust the visitation, since the mother has left the state, making the previous weekend visits impossible. I don't believe you even need an attourney to handle this. The children have the right to spend time with their dad, and vice versa. The longer things remain as they are, the worse it will get.

My son's father left him behind, even while living within a mile of us for 5 years. Then he met a woman (with three children), and moved to Maine, and now takes care of them. He does not call, write, e-mail, anything...yet he spends hours a day on the computer playing games. Not one bit of effort, and this has left an open wound in my son's heart. He's now 14, and he has lost all respect for his dad, and it's probably too late to create a realtionship, too many abandonment issues.

I would be careful, after just three month's with this man to get too involved in this. You might find that he needs to resolve his parenting issues, before entering into serious dating. I would use this experience to really look into his character, and decide if he has what it takes to have you. You also might look into your own heart, and determine if you are mature enough to go through this.

 
Old 01-28-2009, 01:36 PM   #4
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Re: SO children?

[QUOTE=writeleft;3865854]
My son's father left him behind, even while living within a mile of us for 5 years. Then he met a woman (with three children), and moved to Maine, and now takes care of them. He does not call, write, e-mail, anything...

Now this really bothers me and what you have written will weigh in heavily on my heart tonight. I will say some extra prayers for your son who seems like a very strong pre-teen. I will never and could never understand how any parent could neglect their obligations to their own children and assume responsibilities for someone else and their kids. I also feel like whomever this female is that lives in Maine with your ex, is NO WOMAN at all. How can she live with herself, knowing this man has a child somewhere else that he doesn't even make an effort to contact? She should be the one forcing the issue that he step up and be a man or else. So this means he has gotten her kids all attached and the minute they split, he has the potential to break their hearts as well. I hope your son has a strong father figure in his life now that can do that stuff that only father's and son's do be it Boy Scouts, camping or otherwise. As for his sperm donor, believe me when I tell you, he will get what he deserves in one way or another for abandoning that child. I know your son will grow up and be successful and an outstanding dad one day, then his "sperm donor" will try to claim ownership of him and it will be too late! A very sad circumstance.

Last edited by nubiangoddess05; 01-28-2009 at 01:40 PM. Reason: re-worded

 
Old 01-28-2009, 02:02 PM   #5
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chevyman HB User
Re: SO children?

I think its a wonderful thing a father wants to see his children,visit with them, I don't understand why this would make you feel selfesh?

In my opinion the children should always be put first with there well being and whats best for them at all cost.
is this a trust thing with you?
and why do you think its the consequences of his actions? because he walk out in court? or for bringing the children into the world?

sounds to me like he Loves his children dearly, getting to spend time with them is a lot different than talking on the phone or texting them.
maybe you should not feel this way about him and his children you should encourage him to fight for them and be glad for him...not feel selfesh!

 
Old 01-28-2009, 03:06 PM   #6
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Re: SO children?

Thank you everyone for your inputs.

I'm not jealous of the ex but of his desire and love for his kids. See I have 3 of my own and even though they get to see there dad 2 times a week I don't feel that they get this kind of love from him (their dad).

My BF has had a few run ins with the law, has done drugs (so has his ex), walked out in the middle of the hearing angry so the judge favored the mom, thus allowing her to have full custody. So now his children are far away. He still doesn't get along with the EX.

Speaking to him about his children is a moot point for him. I'd like to help, encourage, and/or suggest but it only upsets him when I do. So do I drop the subject or do I press the issue?

 
Old 01-28-2009, 06:28 PM   #7
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Re: SO children?

If he gest upset when you broach the subject, then obviously it's something he feels is basically none of your business, aside from being there for him to vent to. He's not looking for advice and he's not looking for you to fix things. He's just venting.

You're right, he majorly messed things up for himself by storming out of court. That's the last thing in the world you want to do. And it seems he's still working on trying to love his children more than he hates his ex. Even if there's strong emotion, justified emotion, you suck it up and put it aside for the sake of the kids. But he needs to handle this his own way. You can tell him what you see, but it's not your job to fix him, or to fix his relationship with his kids. This is something he needs to sort out himself.

 
Old 01-28-2009, 07:43 PM   #8
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Re: SO children?

You have three children yourself? What in the world are you doing in a three month relationship, with a man with so much baggage? How can you possibly have time to "date", with three children to raise? I am speechless! Much less, a man who has an unresolved custody issue with another woman? You need to focus on your own children, not another man, and his children. This man has anger problems, and a history with drugs? Please rethink this entire thing...

Last edited by writeleft; 01-28-2009 at 07:44 PM.

 
Old 01-29-2009, 09:03 AM   #9
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Re: SO children?

I wanted to add this.
If you can't accept his children having the feelings you do then things will never be right in your realtionship and the both of you will always have realtionship problems.
having ''baggage'' is not a big problem if the both of you accept that.
Altho people do it every day.
what works for some may not work for others.

 
Old 01-29-2009, 03:47 PM   #10
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Re: SO children?

Regardless of his issues - I would find a man that adored his kids to be a man that would be even more attractive. With that said - he does sound like his got a ton of baggage - not his kids but his other problems.

You have to address your jealousy of a man's children. No matter how hard you try to hide it - it will still be evident.

 
Old 01-29-2009, 04:03 PM   #11
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Re: SO children?

[QUOTE=nubiangoddess05;3865881]
Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
My son's father left him behind, even while living within a mile of us for 5 years. Then he met a woman (with three children), and moved to Maine, and now takes care of them. He does not call, write, e-mail, anything...

Now this really bothers me and what you have written will weigh in heavily on my heart tonight. I will say some extra prayers for your son who seems like a very strong pre-teen. I will never and could never understand how any parent could neglect their obligations to their own children and assume responsibilities for someone else and their kids. I also feel like whomever this female is that lives in Maine with your ex, is NO WOMAN at all. How can she live with herself, knowing this man has a child somewhere else that he doesn't even make an effort to contact? She should be the one forcing the issue that he step up and be a man or else. So this means he has gotten her kids all attached and the minute they split, he has the potential to break their hearts as well. I hope your son has a strong father figure in his life now that can do that stuff that only father's and son's do be it Boy Scouts, camping or otherwise. As for his sperm donor, believe me when I tell you, he will get what he deserves in one way or another for abandoning that child. I know your son will grow up and be successful and an outstanding dad one day, then his "sperm donor" will try to claim ownership of him and it will be too late! A very sad circumstance.

Not trying to hijack the thread, but Write, after reading this I cried and wanted to get sick.


My son is 12, and his dad has always been a part of his life, but when he remarried, the cow he married sure didnt want my son included in HER relactionship with my ex. He was only 3 at the time. HOW can you be such a terrible selfish person to not want to be kind to a small child.

Well they are married now, and have been for 4 yrs, and have a small child of their own. she has finally started being nice to my son, and I hoped after she had her own, she would come around. she did, but it was hell. He was so torn, wanting to see his dad, but having to deal with her while there.
Id talk to his dad, and tell him, hed tell me hed talk to her, but I dont think he ever did. She is a spoiled snobby snot, who thinks shes all it. [not insinuating you are, Im just trying to tell the story...]

Im just sick of kids always getting the crap end of the deal...If Id had my way about it, he wouldnt have ever gone over there.

Kids cant help it, they are there, and they adore their parents. If you can deal with it, then please move on, and find someone who you feel can just give you all of their attention. Where are your kids in all of this? Dont you think that they are finding it difficult dealing with all of the issues going on?
xoxoxo,
IZZY'SMOM

Last edited by IZZY'SMOM; 01-29-2009 at 04:10 PM.

 
Old 01-29-2009, 08:01 PM   #12
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Re: SO children?

When I used my son and his father as an example, I was just trying to point out how differant the situation could be. I didn't mean to evoke sympathy for my son and I's experience, but the kind supportive words really mean a lot to me. Thank you so much.

p.s.
Thank goodness we have found a beautiful man to love both of us, and we have made our own family, with my son as the focus. He is a great, friendly, funny, smart, teenager now.

Back to the original poster, (I did not intend to take your post) but this is an issue that I am passionate about. When things don't turn out how you thought they would, rather than enter into another similar realtionship, stop! Take the steps needed to get yourself and your children through to a better future, not into a repeat mode. That means going without a relationship, until it is just right. That may take years, it may never happen, that's it.

 
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