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Old 01-30-2009, 07:36 AM   #1
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Actions show the love

In another thread the subject of love as a feeling. I found something on the web that brings a more accurate take on true love.

In the movies, in books, on TV, love is shown as this ethereal emotion that comes along in unlooked for moments, and only lingers through the whim of fate. How many times have you heard, “if its meant to be, it will be.” The truth is that love is not an emotion at all. Sure there’s a feeling that you can associate with it. A chemical reaction that scientists can even track in body chemistry. But that’s not true love.


True love, real love is an action verb. It reveals, renews, and proves itself in the things people do and how they act; not how they feel. Love is when four years ago I was not happy and felt like I wanted to leave the relationship, but did not. I instead had faith in the knowledge of the shared values me and Tina had, and worked on the areas that I felt were lacking. I stayed committed to the relationship and her. Love is when a man is not getting any sex from his woman, and someone else offers him a night of fun that his partner will never find out about, and he turns away from temptation and calls his girlfriend or wife instead. Love is when a man could care less about the things that his wife went through at work, but asks and listens anyway because he knows she needs to talk about it. Love simply, is about what you do. The actions you take.


If you love someone you don’t use “I just don’t feel it anymore” as a reason or excuse to leave. The feeling we associate with love is one that waxes and wanes through any relationship; even ones in which people have been married 40yrs. You can’t just listen to your emotions, when you do its like using an candy bar for energy. You may get a quick rush, but then later on down the road you crash lower than you were before. It is the same with love. After all the problems of marriage are the same no matter whom you marry. My ex will have problems with someone else, except maybe they won’t act in love like I did, and may feel out of love instead and she’ll then be where I am.


Thoughts????

 
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Old 01-30-2009, 10:13 AM   #2
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Re: Actions show the love

Interesting post, ka1. Thoughts...

The phrase should be "I couldn't care less" - "could not". "I could care less" means what it says; not the opposite, which it has come to mean!

Anyway... I agree that love is distinct from lust. Love is less about the physical and emotional manifestations of physical attraction and more about the longevity of a relationship between two people. I think that notion enjoys concensus. Something that I don't think I have consciously considered before reading this is that acts of love are typically deliberate. One has to demonstrate that they love their partner beyond the lust phase. Furthermore, it has to be demonstrated in a selfless manner, which isn't always easy. It is those selfless acts that one's partner never discovers which truly define love.

Last edited by John5500; 01-30-2009 at 10:14 AM.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 11:47 AM   #3
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Re: Actions show the love

Well love IS a feeling, but as such has to be proven more than anything...and how else can one prove his/her love if not through their actions. I think the minute men/women decide to cheat, flirt, profess their love to someone else...the love is gone. I don't know if you watched a movie "Closer"...it is in my opinion the best, and most realistic movie about love...
"Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one..."

Then in the end...like she says to his I love you...where is this love, i can't see it, i can't feel it...that's the truth about love...people **** up, take love for granted and it just disappears. I wish there was some rule in which only people who truly deserve it get to be loved...but there isn't...if some of you didn't watch "Closer" you should!

Last edited by moderator2; 01-31-2009 at 07:50 AM. Reason: posted disallowed website(s)

 
Old 01-30-2009, 12:02 PM   #4
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Re: Actions show the love

There's truth to this to a certain degree, but it's not complete, in my opinion. Love is a choice you make. Love is action, and emotion. It also suggests that, for example, that if a man really loves his wife, he will never ever, for any reason, cheat on her. But there are a lot of couples that survive infidelity, and a lot of men who love their wives but still cheat on them. I also think it's possible to really love someone, but not know HOW to love them very well, and therefor, it seems like you don't really love them. But it doesn't really matter because the result is the same. And just because someone loves you today, doesn't mean they will love you tomorrow. Love dies, for millions of different reasons.

This post sounds like it was written by someone in the same boat as you, Kai. Someone who was left by someone they loved very much and are convinced is their soul mate and is confident that leaving him means she is doomed to a life of loneliness and misery. All I can say is, I thought so too. I was so sure my ex would never find anyone as good for him, as well matched to him, and who loved him as much or as well as I. I could not have been more wrong. And hanging onto that belief so long is what kept me from healing and moving forward.

But there are also a great many factors that go into love that aren't covered by this post. I knew a man that a friend of mine thought was perfect for me and he kept hounding and hounding me to go out with him, why won't I give him a chance, etc. this guy was on the surface kind and considerate, but there was no substance to how he treated me or what connection we had. he was on the opposite side of the political spectrum as me, and I couldn't stand to hear him talk about his opinions on politics. He loved Madonna and Ted Nugent and I can't stand either, and just a million other little things that just added up to no real connection, no real compatibility. Therefor, it didn't matter how eager he was to hear about my day or how nice he was to me. In fact, the harder he tried to worm his way into being my boyfriend, the more it annoyed and angered me. So being nice and acting in love is not enough. It's compatibility, shared values and morals and world view, it's an emotional connection, a chemical, physical connection and sexual attraction, and what I call matching emotional content. Two people who are both very high strung and tend to panic or fall apart in crises don't do very well together. You can't go nuts at the same time. Or if you're really mellow and really up, over amped people drain your energy, then you can't be in a serious relationship with one no matter how they dote on you.

There are just too many factors, from a person's religious and political beliefs to their energy and emotions, to their personal habits, to how they smell, that go into who turns you on and who turns you off to map it out on paper and say "see, we match up in all these ways, why don't you love me?" There's just way more to it than that.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 12:19 PM   #5
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Re: Actions show the love

Love is one of the hardest things to define. I believe you can love someone but unless it's shown with both words and actions it can be meaniless to the person who you are supposed to love. Words can be cheap and used to placate but unless backed up with action it is hollow to the person that you love. People that cheat say they love their significant other but by their actions, they show they don't love them enough. If they did they wouldn't have cheated and would have tried another avenue to address their lonliness. Cheating is an easy way out - it's so much easier then digging into ones emotions and acting in a way to repair whatever is missing.

I know a man that says he adores his wife, yet he cheats on her whenever he travels. She is a wonderful person and gives him her all - yet he cheats - I don't believe he loves her. His idea of what love is twisted. His own needs have superceded his love for his wife. That is a love I wouldnt discard quickly.

Love is work, dedication, understanding, helping, listening, compromise, touch and affection, words, thoughts and action. But that's what it is to me.

I think love is a basic thing that everyone kinda knows what it feels like but because of life and expectations, love gets lost in everyday life. If it were a priority - just like how hard we work at ones job because we know if we don't work hard we will lose it, there would be less of us who felt unloved.

Last edited by cathy1; 01-30-2009 at 12:21 PM.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 01:12 PM   #6
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Re: Actions show the love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
There's truth to this to a certain degree, but it's not complete, in my opinion. Love is a choice you make. Love is action, and emotion. It also suggests that, for example, that if a man really loves his wife, he will never ever, for any reason, cheat on her. But there are a lot of couples that survive infidelity, and a lot of men who love their wives but still cheat on them. I also think it's possible to really love someone, but not know HOW to love them very well, and therefor, it seems like you don't really love them. But it doesn't really matter because the result is the same. And just because someone loves you today, doesn't mean they will love you tomorrow. Love dies, for millions of different reasons.

This post sounds like it was written by someone in the same boat as you, Kai. Someone who was left by someone they loved very much and are convinced is their soul mate and is confident that leaving him means she is doomed to a life of loneliness and misery. All I can say is, I thought so too. I was so sure my ex would never find anyone as good for him, as well matched to him, and who loved him as much or as well as I. I could not have been more wrong. And hanging onto that belief so long is what kept me from healing and moving forward.

But there are also a great many factors that go into love that aren't covered by this post. I knew a man that a friend of mine thought was perfect for me and he kept hounding and hounding me to go out with him, why won't I give him a chance, etc. this guy was on the surface kind and considerate, but there was no substance to how he treated me or what connection we had. he was on the opposite side of the political spectrum as me, and I couldn't stand to hear him talk about his opinions on politics. He loved Madonna and Ted Nugent and I can't stand either, and just a million other little things that just added up to no real connection, no real compatibility. Therefor, it didn't matter how eager he was to hear about my day or how nice he was to me. In fact, the harder he tried to worm his way into being my boyfriend, the more it annoyed and angered me. So being nice and acting in love is not enough. It's compatibility, shared values and morals and world view, it's an emotional connection, a chemical, physical connection and sexual attraction, and what I call matching emotional content. Two people who are both very high strung and tend to panic or fall apart in crises don't do very well together. You can't go nuts at the same time. Or if you're really mellow and really up, over amped people drain your energy, then you can't be in a serious relationship with one no matter how they dote on you.



There are just too many factors, from a person's religious and political beliefs to their energy and emotions, to their personal habits, to how they smell, that go into who turns you on and who turns you off to map it out on paper and say "see, we match up in all these ways, why don't you love me?" There's just way more to it than that.
Very Well Said.

Last edited by chevyman; 01-30-2009 at 01:14 PM.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 01:47 PM   #7
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Re: Actions show the love

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3868272] It's compatibility, shared values and morals and world view, it's an emotional connection, a chemical, physical connection and sexual attraction, and what I call matching emotional content. Two people who are both very high strung and tend to panic or fall apart in crises don't do very well together. You can't go nuts at the same time. Or if you're really mellow and really up, over amped people drain your energy, then you can't be in a serious relationship with one no matter how they dote on you.
QUOTE]

1st I don’t know how anyone like Ted Nugent AND Madonna at the same time. Apart, maybe, but at the same time, from someone who has strong political views.

Anyway, what do you say when they have all the things you mention above in this quote and they still walk away? I think in my other thread that was what I was trying to relate to you. And I think that one of the other poster’s here made a great point, that when there is a problem or emotional disconnect, you need to dig in, not just give up. Especially if its been a long time, and there have been substantial good times. We all know of a couple that is together for a long time, but seem to argue constantly—I’m not talking about those situations. As we grow, the relationship will have growing pains as well. If you have someone that has all the things in the quote above, you shouldn’t just go. If you do, I think that shows a certain lack of love, maybe some would call it commitment.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 01:48 PM   #8
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Re: Actions show the love

[QUOTE=cathy1;3868286]it's so much easier then digging into ones emotions and acting in a way to repair whatever is missing.[QUOTE]

This is what I think the person meant. I know that's how I feel.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 02:29 PM   #9
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Re: Actions show the love

That's only if both people are on the same page. As in, I want to stay in this relationship, commit to it and to the other person, and do what I have to do to fix whatever problems come up because I love this person and want to be with them forever. When I had been married to my (now ex) husband and we started having problems, I talked to him about it and he told me "I love you and don't want to lose you. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I don't lose you". A year later, after still having the same problems, he told me "I don't care. I'm not going to try anymore". So of course, the marriage ended, because I couldn't keep it going all by myself.

BOTH people have to agree that they love one another and want to stay in the relationship no matter what it takes.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 05:08 PM   #10
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Re: Actions show the love

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
That's only if both people are on the same page. As in, I want to stay in this relationship, commit to it and to the other person, and do what I have to do to fix whatever problems come up because I love this person and want to be with them forever. When I had been married to my (now ex) husband and we started having problems, I talked to him about it and he told me "I love you and don't want to lose you. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I don't lose you". A year later, after still having the same problems, he told me "I don't care. I'm not going to try anymore". So of course, the marriage ended, because I couldn't keep it going all by myself.

BOTH people have to agree that they love one another and want to stay in the relationship no matter what it takes.
I'm afraid that seems to be in short supply these days. Commitment seems to extend only the point of, commitment while things are good. You know what makes me green with envy? Those couples that stay together and manage to repair or fight through deaths of children, sickness, even drug addiction. I mean I don't recommend the drug route obviously, but when you see those that have, it makes you look at your partner like, "why are you giving up because we haven't connect for a couple of months" Like so many people are just soft when it comes to really understanding what making a relationship work means.

I don't know maybe I'm just in short-term cynical phase between my denial and anger phases.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 05:28 PM   #11
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Re: Actions show the love

When someone throws the towel in as soon as things aren't going swimmingly then you've seen the true charachter of the person. Some people can't deal with anything and as soon as "life" creeps in they don't want to be there through thick and thin.

That to me is a sign that this person is not someone I want to grow old with or god forbid get sick with some protracted illness with as they would run for the hills.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 08:22 PM   #12
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Re: Actions show the love

Fixed my post but I agree with some of the other posters in that a lot of it has to do with the individuals themselves and being on the same page at the same time. You can still be right for each other, but just not at the right time. Love is the catalyst, but there are other essential elements for that love to continue to grow and evolve over time. Emotional maturity, sense of self, effective communication, the ability to change/adapt, compromise, etc.

I came across this posting written by a man who has been married to his wife for 19 years. It’s in response to a post someone wrote about when you love someone set them free, I thought it was a great example:

"What that statement means is that we can't control those we say we love. Everyone has their own mind and their own feelings. Smothering and suffocating someone we purport to love is not love - it's taking a hostage. Using guilt, passive aggression and other means to "make" the other person stay is not only unhealthy, it doesn't work. Not for long, anyway. It doesn't mean we let go of the love but that illusion of control. Allow the other person to be free to be who they are, not who we want to make them or believe them to be. The reason my wife & I are still together after 19 years is because we allow each other be BE each other and we trust that love. No matter where each of us goes or what we do, we trust that neither of us will violate our trust in the marriage & love for each other. It's easy to talk about love when the longest relationship one has had is a year or 2. Nearly half my life is another story, because it takes on different proportions and different nuances that younger people cannot even image exist.

Neither of us is the person we were 20 years ago, and thank God for that. We have grown and improved a LOT since then. But we also know that neither of us is going anywhere - that's why I can let my wife go away for a weekend and not only KNOW that she's coming back but that she honored our love while we were apart. It's the same when I have to travel for business. She's coming back intact - to ME. I'm coming back intact - to HER. Because we LOVE each other. Because this is where we WANT to be - TOGETHER. In fact, it can make our marriage better because of fresh perspectives on issues and new things we learned about interacting with other people in a non-sexual manner that we can bring to our marriage so that we are better people individually, as a couple and as a family. That's the entire purpose of that trite expression. I don't think it's wrong at all - it's a beautiful expression of vital and mature love, not the inexperience and fear that love based primarily on lust brings.

BTW - the ones who are much harder to let go of? My children because I know how inexperienced they are and want to save them some of the inevitable pain that life brings. But if I do that I stunt their emotional and spiritual growth. SO I have to let go of them as well and be here when they come back to help make sense of the world and the problems they got into. My oldest son is 5 years older than you, married & has a child of his own. And I still lie awake at night sometimes hoping that he;'s OK - because hes my son and I love him. And because I had to let him go for his own good."

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set them free …
If they ever comes back, they’re yours,
If they don't, as expected, they never were

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set them free …
Don't worry, they will come back .

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set them free …
If they ever comes back, ask why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set them free …
If they don't come back within some time forget them.

Patient:
If you love someone, set them free ..
If they don't come back,
continue to wait until they come back …

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set them free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom

Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set them free,
They'll evolve.

Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set them free,
If they love you, the probability of them coming
back is high
If they don't, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set them free,
THEY’LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set them free.

MBA:
If you love someone set them free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist :
If you love someone
set them free
If they come back their super ego is dominant
If they don't come back their id is supreme
If they don't go, they must be crazy.

Last edited by Broken2008; 01-30-2009 at 08:46 PM. Reason: Hit enter too fast, not finished with my reply.

 
Old 01-30-2009, 11:43 PM   #13
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Re: Actions show the love

I'm afraid she won't come back.

I'm not sure I should take her if she does, because how can I trust she will not leave again. In marriage you do want commitment right>>>

Where are the boundaries in that belief. I guess I'm cynical, because I have not seen many people come back after leaving. Sometimes that was good, and sometimes (as I have argued) it was a mistake.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 01:33 AM   #14
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Re: Actions show the love

You can have two people that like the same things, have the same or similar hobbies etc etc, but they don't have that chemistry that ties them to a couple. I don't think it's necessary for two people to have the same taste or interests in order to work...
I think you need to have that chemistry and above all know your partner well enough not to get hurt by some of the things they say or do...e.g. I'm very argumentative, and I love a good discussion about anything, but some guy-and most guys are like that-who don't like arguments, and doesn't know me well enough to know I'm not arguing cos' I hate him...he will just run like crazy from me.
Some people give up too easy, that's true, but there are also too many couples that stay together for ever and they don't even love each other anymore. Love shouldn't be taken for granted, and people often get married and think ok that's it I got married and I don't have to try any more.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 04:21 AM   #15
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Re: Actions show the love

If you Love some body enough you'll follow where ever they go, thats how I got to Memphis thats how I got to Memphis. (Bobby Bare)

When two people Trully Love each other you have nothing to worry about keeping that person and vs versa, or trusting that person, it just comes naturally and if one or the other ever leaves then you never had true Love...because true Love never fads away or leaves not even in death.
When you trully Love and that person dies a part of you dies, but you never stop loving that person.

''Actions to show Love ''yes thats true ,emotions/feelings from the heart to show love yes, trust yes and so on.

Sometimes a person can change along the way and thats what happens that person changes or tempted or whatever, the love dies...if you have true Love that will never happen..how can you tell you have that?....only you can answer that.
I hope someday I will know that especially on my wedding day.
maybe Love is taking chances, or like a box of choloates you never know what your going to get (Forrest Gump)
I suppose its what a person think Love really is how they precive Love, we all precive it in a different way or another but it all boils down to the same, Love... Love you can't see it but you can feel it and when its true and real you will know it.

I might add this...when you get married you may think you don't have to try anymore ...thats not true...you always have to keep trying a persom may not know this but its so true..its when you stop trying that gets ya in trouble.

Last edited by chevyman; 01-31-2009 at 04:26 AM.

 
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