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Old 01-31-2009, 05:45 AM   #1
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emotional affair

I've been to my first marriage counselling appt alone.
Conclusion was that me and my husband were just good friends, that there is more to a relationship than just friends, the emotional side of our relationship is nonexistent and probably has been for a long time. She can also see why i am having an emotional affair with another guy from work.

My husband will not discuss our relationship and just brushes it under the carpet and he knows about my emotional affair with this other guy. He's annoyed but forgets quickly and carries on as though nothing has happened. He is a happy calm kind of guy though.

I am so attracted to this other guy. I know he likes me a lot from his actions but am not totally sure what he is after. We slept in the same bed a couple of times after nights out but he didnt try it on. I know he shouldn't be paying a married woman attention but I've been so vulnerable (depression which i'm being treated for) at times that the attention is sooo good.

I feel like i am missing something from my life and am just not happy.

I regret getting married, I was always anti marriage and am still.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 08:01 AM   #2
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Re: emotional affair

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Originally Posted by amanda50 View Post

I feel like i am missing something from my life and am just not happy.

I regret getting married, I was always anti marriage and am still.
I commend you for getting counseling and trying to save your marriage. If yo don't mind me asking, there are a couple of impt questions that may effect my ultimate response:

- How old are you?
- How long did you date your husband before marrying him?
- When you got married, did you feel like he was "the one"?

It sounds as if you are really torn & I am sorry for that. I had a friend once who was in a very similar situation. Please answer the above and I'll respond in kind.

Regards,

Ex

 
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Old 01-31-2009, 08:34 AM   #3
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Re: emotional affair

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I am 41
We were together 18 years before i got married 2.5 years ago.
I was looking for a relationship when I was 20 and I think i should have just let it happen.
I thought after 18 years that he had to be the one. My only answer to that question.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 10:21 AM   #4
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Re: emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by amanda50 View Post
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I am 41
We were together 18 years before i got married 2.5 years ago.
I was looking for a relationship when I was 20 and I think i should have just let it happen.
I thought after 18 years that he had to be the one. My only answer to that question.
Yet, how hard would it be for you to end this marriage? Are there children?

 
Old 01-31-2009, 10:28 AM   #5
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Re: emotional affair

Extremely hard to end the marriage. I've had a safe relationship where all our problems have been forgotten about and not discussed and life continues on. 20 years is such a long time. Fortunately, no, there are no children whilst we are going through this bad time where i'm considering whether to leave or stay.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 10:50 AM   #6
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Re: emotional affair

Are you saying you and your hubby do not have that connection?
and he's not satifying you sexually?
and you feel unattracted to him?

and now your attracted to this other guy? and you guys have spent the night togather but nothing happen? he didn't try it on? I take that no intercourse! only got emotional?
I don't understand what your question is
ARE YOU ASKING IF ITS OK TO HAVE AN AFFAIR?
and still stay with your hubby for reasons unknown to us? maybe financially?
If you don't love your hubby seek a lawyer get divorced then you can have what you want.
sounds to me you don't know what you want.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 10:56 AM   #7
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Re: emotional affair

It sounds as though both of you have a comfort zone in your marraige regardless of whether you're both unhappy. If your marriage isn't going to change as he doesnt seem to want to work on it - then you should continue with therapy to get to the bottom of what you want - security and a marriage that gives you little or the freedom with the risks that come with it to be free to find someone else.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 11:17 AM   #8
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Re: emotional affair

No I'm definitely not asking whether its ok to have an affair. I feel awful about the whole situation and have sought counselling to sort it all out. I've left it open for him to come along with me but he does not want to talk. I'm really only explaining away why i am having this emotional affair so you can see it from my point of view.. This has never happened in the 20 years we've been together until now. I didn't look for an affair, it just happened.

Yes there is a comfort zone in our marriage and yes counselling will definitely help me forward in all this mess. My husband said that there is not a problem in our marriage even though i have told him of my emotional affair. I am stunned as affairs should not happen in marriages. To me they are a problem, believe me !

 
Old 01-31-2009, 11:53 AM   #9
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Re: emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by amanda50 View Post
No I'm definitely not asking whether its ok to have an affair. I feel awful about the whole situation and have sought counselling to sort it all out. I've left it open for him to come along with me but he does not want to talk. I'm really only explaining away why i am having this emotional affair so you can see it from my point of view.. This has never happened in the 20 years we've been together until now. I didn't look for an affair, it just happened.

Yes there is a comfort zone in our marriage and yes counselling will definitely help me forward in all this mess. My husband said that there is not a problem in our marriage even though i have told him of my emotional affair. I am stunned as affairs should not happen in marriages. To me they are a problem, believe me !
It looks like as if your husband were in denial. If I were him, I'd be seriously concerned if my wife told me she was having an emotional affair, because I know that in general emotions mean a lot to women. Actually, it would be very strange to hear my wife telling me about an affair she might be having. Affairs aren't usually told about, unless telling about them means asking SOS, in other words, save our marriage.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 12:51 PM   #10
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Re: emotional affair

Definitely stay in couseling, even if your hubby chooses not to go with you or without you.

you need to ask yourself this very important question do you Love You Hubby?
Do you stay with him because you guys have been togather over 20 years? and you feel its just the right thing to do(stay) what friends and family may think of you ?his side and yours?
but at the same time the other half of you wants and needs more, you feel like your missing out on life with fun and someone loving you, your not getting that at the present time with your hubby but with your new b/f (aquiance) you feel he makes you feel more like a woman and your loving that feeling and its scarying the hibbie jibbies out of you?

Emotional affairs are just as bad has the phyiscal one, its the thought process that makes it all wrong, if you feel you don't love your hubby then get out of the realtionship, be a free woman sort-a -speak...then you can deal with this emotionally a lot better, rather or not this new guy works out.

Maybe for some unknown reason your hubby will wake up and see the beautiful lovely woman he has and want to change,
First things first always try to save your marrige and having emotional affairs is not a way to do that.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 12:59 PM   #11
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Re: emotional affair

It's like my g/f tells me sometimes...I don't care/where how you get your appetite just as long as you come home to eat...nah just kiddin

 
Old 01-31-2009, 08:00 PM   #12
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Re: emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by amanda50 View Post

I am 41
We were together 18 years before i got married 2.5 years ago.
I was looking for a relationship when I was 20 and I think i should have just let it happen.
I thought after 18 years that he had to be the one. My only answer to that question.
I asked these questions because they are very important re: the overall equation. And, as I suspected, the information is very telling. Your story sounds very familiar to a friend of mine....A little different, but same principle....She married her HS sweetheart when she was first out of college and then one day when she was about 30, had an affair with a neighbor and ended up marrying him.

At first, I thought she was nuts, but 15 years later, she is still happily married, has had several kids and seems very, very happy. In fact, she refers to her husband as her "soul mate." Now, I don't condone for one minute "how" it happened as she could have handled it differently. But, the concept is that she had this emotional affair with this man....Tried to resist for quite some time...And eventually conceded. Once the relationship became intimate, she was hooked.

She tried counseling when she first knew she was falling for someone else, but it didn't work. The moral of the story was that in the end, she realized that she had married her HS sweetheart out of convenience and not out of true love. Although they got along well, she wasn't really "in love" with her husband. Eventually, she met someone who swept her off her feet, without regard for her marriage. Again, I'm not condoning how it happened. In hindsight, she should not have married her HS sweetheart. They had been dating from a very young age and she never had any other experiences with other men. I'm not convinced that when she went down the aisle, she knew he was "the one."

What you describe is eerily familiar to my friend. You seem to have no real emotional attachment to your husband, which speaks volumes to me. I think if counseling doesn't yield the results you want, then you have to really revaluate where your marriage stands, before something does happen.

I'm sorry for what you're going through as I know you must really be torn. You are doing the right thing, however, by attempting to save your marriage. I think you need to cut ties with this other man and concentrate on your marriage. If ultimately you cannot, then that answers your question as to how you need to proceed.

Regards,

Ex

Last edited by Executor; 01-31-2009 at 08:09 PM.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 08:28 PM   #13
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Re: emotional affair

Being in a position of an affair (emotional or physical) doesn't "just happen." Someone puts him/herself in a position to receive the attention (physical or emotional) that results in the affair.

How would you feel if your husband were doing the same thing you are doing?

And finally, my best friend tells this story when someone is struggling with a decision.

There once was an boy who ran up to his grandfather and said, "Grandpa, I have a problem. I have 2 dogs. One is good, the other isn't. They fight a lot. What do I do?" Grandpa said, "Feed the dog you want to win."

Take that as you wish.

 
Old 01-31-2009, 11:05 PM   #14
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Re: emotional affair

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Originally Posted by Pickle Eyes View Post
Being in a position of an affair (emotional or physical) doesn't "just happen." Someone puts him/herself in a position to receive the attention (physical or emotional) that results in the affair.
I never put myself up for an affair. I was extremely depressed and even felt suicidal. I went to work, did my job and went home. I can be quite shy at times. The other shy quiet guy started being helpful and it developed until he asked me to help him with some interesting project work. Work became interesting, depression lifted, now I am getting invited out and about with colleagues. I have changed. Affairs were not on my mind at that time, depression was. I was too inward to know what was really going on outward...until it hit me. Are you saying that HE put himself up for the affair ?
To be honest, I think the innocent work friendship has just developed.

 
Old 02-01-2009, 01:43 AM   #15
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Re: emotional affair

And thanks executor and chevyman - nice words they are.

 
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