My "poll" got deleted- I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to poll people. I really was just looking for opinions because (big surprise) my husband and I have different opinions. He has had sex with me after I've taken Ambien (sleeping medication) and I think this is wrong (not to mention creepy). He thinks most guys would do this if give the opportunity, and it wouldn't be a big deal. Opinions, anyone?
Well, just my opinion, but having sex with someone who is not willing or competent to give consent is not only creepy, it's technically rape. If I found out my husband was having sex with me while I was asleep, under the influence of a sleeping aid, or otherwise unconscious and showed no intention of stopping, I'd probably divorce him. Now, I'm not advising you to leave him, but certainly to keep talking about this and make it clear to him that this is not ok with you. I mean, this shouldn't even be up for debate. It's your body, and if you don't want someone using your body like a piece of meat while you're asleep, you have the right to say so and to put a stop to it. Your body and what you want done and what you don't want done to it is not up for negotiation. Sex isn't supposed to be something he does TO you, it's something both you do together. You're not a blow up doll, but he's treating you as though you are. I do think you should, like I said, keep talking to him about it until you get through to him that this is, never will be, ok, and even sleep in a different room, with the door locked, until he really gets the message. You can always reach a compromise, like re-arranging your schedule a couple of days per week where you don't have to wake up early the next morning and don't need to take the sleeping aid, or take the sleeping aid afterward or something, But this issue needs to be discussed and a compromise reached. What he's doing isn't right and it's very very disrespectful.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 02-08-2009 at 09:42 AM.
OK so if you listen to yourself...you are telling him NO! So doesn't no mean no? Right?! I suppose if you were just fine with it then it would be OK but I agree, I think it's creepy! I don't believe a "nice guy" would do this!
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
What's his excuse? Have you talked to him about it? What possible justification has he given you to think it was ok? Especially if you're not cool with it? No one, regardless of whether they are married or not, has the right to force themselves on their partner if they say no. To do otherwise is morally reprehensible and your husband should be ashamed of himself!!
I take Ambien so I'm a little bit more on the fence. Okay, since you'd said no, he should take that as a "no". But I am sometimes "awake" for an hour or more after I've actually taken the pill. This is how people get in trouble with this drug. While you are awake at the time, you don't remember what you did the next day. That's why you are to take the drug and go to bed, not do other tasks before hitting the sack.
So, are you awake when this is happening yet also under the influence of the drug? My assumption is that you mean you are actually already asleep. If that's the case, his behavior is reprehensible. However, if you are still awake but "under the influence" of the pill, I can see where this could be a slippery slope for married couples. Basically, after you've swallowed the pill, the husband would be committing rape even when the woman decided it was okay. Because the next day she probably won't remember saying it's okay. So it becomes a case of swallowing a pill as the "moral" decision, not the relationship.
Is this the only time you have sex, after you take your ambien? Because if so, then I'd say your husband has a serious problem that requires intensive counseling. I still don't understand what's going on here. Is he doing things to you after you're asleep? What's the story?
If you're on Ambien and you're in one of those Ambien blackoutish but not out cold but you can't remember what you did then thats one thing. If you told him that when you're like that not to "take advantage" that's pretty bad too. If you're out cold on Ambien I doubt I'd ever be able to forgive that one. As Resolution said - slippery slope - either way, it sounds like you feel you were violated.
Some on Ambien don't remember what they've done and many will become very sexual while on it or do a multitude of strange things out of the ordinary. Is this what happened?
Here's what happened- a while ago when I took an Ambien and he knew that I had, he says that when he "made some moves" I was into it, so he thought I was awake and I was into the whole time. I have no memory of it, but felt weird the next day and asked him if we'd had sex. I told him then that it was creepy and I didn't like it at all that he (we?) had done those things while I was out on medication. He promised he would never do it again.
Fast forward to recently, we are having marriage issues and not having much sex. One night I took an Ambien, and again he knew I had taken it. When he came home from work several hours later and got into bed, he rolled over and put his hand on me, I didn't say anything, partially because I thought if I pretended to be sleeping he would leave me alone. But since he thought I was sleeping he continued to feel me up (and down)... I admit I layed there still because I wanted to see if he was actually going to continue this when he thought I was sleeping. He did for a while, stopping short of penetration- he rolled over and "finished" in the bed next to me (something else he's done before- masturbating right next to because I don't want to have sex, and something he promised he wouldn't do anymore)
So the next day I asked him, "we didn't have sex last night did we?"
He was very adamant that he had "rubbed me a little" and when he found that I was asleep he "left and masturbated." I called him on it and told him I'd been awake- he says he's not lying to me because his version of "rubbed me a little" is that it doesn't matter if it's on my back or elsewhere, inside my clothes or outside. So this led the conversation in which he stated that he didn't think it was a big deal anyways, and "most guys would do it, if given the chance."
You told him not to do anything and he did it anyway - so what if he didn't finish with you - he got himself to the point by touching you while you slept - this was all about him getting off and sleeping or not, you are there for him to do so. And... no-I doubt most men would do it. They may stroke your hair and affectionately give you a quick kiss but would respect the fact that you were out cold. I love it when he said "most men would do it" - like most men are about getting off on a woman that was sleeping and unaware and not a willing participant. You are married so you are mine - I don't need your participation or even you being awake???
What's worse is he is defending this! For me - I'd be beside myself about this. He now has basically told you that he can do whatever he wants to you regardless of whether you're concious or not - because "most" men take advantage of women that are sleeping.
How are you doing with this - how are you dealing with it?
My husband has done this to me. He had my permission of course. If this were to continue, I think its a problem but if he is done, then let it be done. I would agree with the other poster that if he "prefers" sex this way, that is somethign really wrong and bordering on sicko. I take Ambien almost nightly and told my husband when I'm not in the mood to just wait until I'm asleep for a while. Sure, he's using me. But he's not using anyone else! We do enjoy a wonderful sex life. You said you weren't having much sex because of marriage issues. It could be that you are both using sex as a weapon( you denying it and him taking it). Thats not right on either end. Sex should be enjoyed!