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Old 02-11-2009, 04:02 PM   #1
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I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

I kinda got stood up by the online guy on our second date.


I was running late so hours and hours before the date i sent him a message delaying our date by an hour. he said sure no problem.

I had to travel loads today which he knew about.

I got stuck on a black spot, traffic did not move so when I was waiting for train I was half hr away and about half hr late and asked him to meet me somewhere different nearer to me. I called him. First time we have spoken on phone.

I felt bad so to be polite I said I know you have work in the morning so if you want to do this another night then feel free...don't worry about me I've got friends somewhere in the centre of town anyway.

After humming and hahing he said ok well find out if your friends are doing something fun then maybe you should do that

Then he said he dressed up for the cocktail place we were gonna go and i said that was sad because I too had put a lot of effort into what I looked like.

Then he said alright lets meet.

He lives 15-20 mins away from where we were going to me. I live an hour away but because of extra travelling it was going to take me almost two hours.

I asked him again are you sure then he says ok we'll meet another time. He started saying how we would only have a couple hours and he would get a little uneasy towards the end because of time. ??? Excuse ???

9pm...too late to meet because he has work? Too late even though he lives round the corner?

I spent ages getting ready, bought an expensive dress, did my make up, my hair, drove for hour and got told no while standing at train station in the rain.

I was quite upset.

He said he would message me, and started talking about arranging another time, asking when I would be in town next to which I replied I couldn't tell him now but I knew I couldn't make the weekend and he agreed saying he also couldn't make the weekend, so it would have to be next week or the weekend after that.

Give me ur thoughts.

Did he just take that excuse and use it as a reason not to see me?

I know it was my fault being late, but its not like he lived far...considering I traveled so much.

Or as my male friend says:

I don't sugar coat things
He made the effort to get dressed up and was coming to meet you

Me:
At last minute when all he had to do was to travel a short distance.....he didn't because apparently 9pm is too late?

Friend says:
so maybe he didn't like u being late, maybe it genuinely was going to make it too late, maybe he doesn't like unexpected change...


Surely if a guy is into a girl, after not seeing her for three weeks, he would like to see her?
This guy obv wasn't interested in seeing me. Was it because he got annoyed with me being late or because he just isn't that interested?

Last edited by brokenhearted83; 02-11-2009 at 04:03 PM.

 
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Old 02-11-2009, 04:14 PM   #2
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Well, you kept asking "are you sure?" and saying you could make other plans if he didn't want to meet, or could do it another time...if I were him, I'd think YOU weren't really that interested! After all, you kept giving him "outs". Why would you do that if you really wanted to meet? I know you were being over accomodating and trying to be considerate, but if someone gave me that many "outs" I'd think, well forget it! If you really wanted to meet up, why did you keep saying that it was ok to do it another time?

Don't do the "reverse psychology" thing on a guy if you don't mean it. He can't read your mind and realize that you wanted him to say "no, let's meet now!".

 
Old 02-11-2009, 04:38 PM   #3
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

I agree with Red - you kept saying "are you sure?"... he said yes but when you said it again and again he probably simply followed along with you're saying it was late and probably thought you kept saying it because you didn't want to meet him. You were trying to be nice but ended up talking him out of it.

Next time say "i know it's late but I'd still love to meet you and if they say yes then simply meet them. I mean, if he kept saying "its late and are you sure over and over again, you'd probably think he was kinda backing out too. You talked him out of it.

Red hit it spot on.

Last edited by cathy1; 02-11-2009 at 04:42 PM.

 
Old 02-11-2009, 04:55 PM   #4
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Not like I kept trying to talk him out of it. I said it politely, not forcefully, in a soft tone, emphasizing being so sorry for being late and if he wanted to do it another time, then I would totally understand because it was my fault being late.

 
Old 02-11-2009, 04:58 PM   #5
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Sometimes the harder you try, the worse things get. In the very early stage of dating, being very late can be a deal breaker. If you are the one waiting, a few hours can be enough to make a person not even want to go out.

I would try to schedule dates when you have no other obligations, and you can avoid all the unforseen things that workdays hold.

Best wishes!

 
Old 02-11-2009, 05:08 PM   #6
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

I think 9pm is late. I would have told you the same thing. For people who have to be at work early, it's hard to stay out late, regardless of how close by you're meeting. If he's anything like me, he would want to be home, wind down a bit, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. No sense in rushing the date just because you were late. I don't think he did anything wrong.

I see what's happening here. You're afraid to get hurt again so you're finding any and every excuse you can find to keep him at a distance. If you keep doing that with every guy you meet, you will never find anyone again. That's going to be your downfall. You have to stop throwing all of these imaginary obstacles in your way and just decide if you want to see a guy again or not. If you do, tell him. If not, don't lead him on. End of story.

 
Old 02-11-2009, 05:11 PM   #7
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

I remember during my online dating debacles when I had an emergency at home and had to call the restuarant where my first date with this guy was (pre everybody having a cell phone days) and had them pass on the message I couldn't make it. Then... I was supposed to meet this same guy a week later and he called me and said he was stuck in traffic and couldn't make it - then I went to a mall to meet him the next week and he never showed up. I got home and there was an email telling me that he had met someone (which is where he was when he said he was stuck in traffic).. and at the last minute decided that he didn't want to see me now that he was in his "new relationship" hence, standing me up at the mall.

I saw the same guy online a few months later so I guess his budding relationship blew up.... it kept showing on the dating site day in and day out that he had looked at my profile probably hoping I'd contact him..... ya right....

Last edited by cathy1; 02-11-2009 at 05:12 PM.

 
Old 02-11-2009, 05:13 PM   #8
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

I've just got a gut feeling that he's not into me. Its not an obstacle I am putting in my way...its my gut.

Thanks for all your replies.

Any guys want to give their views? And girls please continue...

 
Old 02-11-2009, 07:16 PM   #9
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Oh no! You completely blew that! If he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't have made the effort to want to go on the date. Then you tell him that he can back out if he wants cause you have friends in the area anyway and he actually says if you will have more fun with them, go ahead. Oh man, can't you see how he felt? I bet he felt like the biggest idiot on the planet. Look I'm not trying to be mean but you don't know me nor I you so please don't feel angry at me. Please forgive me... it's just, I see you struggling through and I'm just telling you my thoughts on it. Maybe I'm wrong but to me, it seems like you basically begged him to change his mind and not want to go. You gotta stop analyzing every single solitary minute of every text and conversation. All you gotta do is ask for what you want. Try to keep it light with a man at first and feel him out. If you wanta call him, call him! If you wanta meet up with him somewhere, just say so. Just tryyy it. It'll make a guy so much more comfortable. Keep in your head that YOU are the prize. You know... have a little mystery about yourself. If a stranger doesn't know you, he'll be trying to feel you out and see what you're about. Don't shut him down at the get go by acting like you don't want the date after he's sitting there all ready. It's just rude. You prolly owe him an apology but keep it short. How's this... "i'm not good at this dating thing. I really f**ked up. sorry. lets try it again. Friday 8.00 ok?"

 
Old 02-12-2009, 09:36 AM   #10
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by PuffinStuff View Post
Oh no! You completely blew that! If he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't have made the effort to want to go on the date. Then you tell him that he can back out if he wants cause you have friends in the area anyway and he actually says if you will have more fun with them, go ahead. Oh man, can't you see how he felt? I bet he felt like the biggest idiot on the planet. Look I'm not trying to be mean but you don't know me nor I you so please don't feel angry at me. Please forgive me... it's just, I see you struggling through and I'm just telling you my thoughts on it. Maybe I'm wrong but to me, it seems like you basically begged him to change his mind and not want to go. You gotta stop analyzing every single solitary minute of every text and conversation. All you gotta do is ask for what you want. Try to keep it light with a man at first and feel him out. If you wanta call him, call him! If you wanta meet up with him somewhere, just say so. Just tryyy it. It'll make a guy so much more comfortable. Keep in your head that YOU are the prize. You know... have a little mystery about yourself. If a stranger doesn't know you, he'll be trying to feel you out and see what you're about. Don't shut him down at the get go by acting like you don't want the date after he's sitting there all ready. It's just rude. You prolly owe him an apology but keep it short. How's this... "i'm not good at this dating thing. I really f**ked up. sorry. lets try it again. Friday 8.00 ok?"
Thanks for your reply! Hope you're having a good day!

In all honest, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that I didn't go out drinking last night. I went home and had a warm meal with hot drinks and went to bed early. Despite that I still managed to wake up with a sore throat and no voice! Imagine if I had been out in the rain! Not that I would be drinking the cocktails outside in the rain but you know what I mean!

I never told him I never wanted to not go on the date. I was running late and because of that I gave him the option to cancel.
I said if it was too late for him, because he had work, that it was fine to do it another day. I mentioned the other friend thing which was a complete lie - I had no friends in town. So he said yeah sure, ok then, another time. The whole issue I had was that I was running quite late, an hour and a half from the time we were supposed to meet. That would have given us only a couple hours to meet - that was his line of reasoning.

Argh haha what a mess!

At the time, I felt awful, like I had been stood up, like he wasn't that interested considering I had travelled so long and spent a lot of money on it.
He could tell by my voice how disappointed I was. I was pretty upset looking back.

Shall I leave it for him to contact me again or shall I send a message apologizing? He did mention something about catching up online over the next few days...

Last edited by brokenhearted83; 02-12-2009 at 09:45 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2009, 09:44 AM   #11
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

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I think 9pm is late. I would have told you the same thing.
I thought it might be late for him as well which is why I thought I'd be polite and offer him a way out.

On our last date, we didn't leave the bar til late and he did later apologize for getting so tired towards the end.

I'm not in full time work at the moment but I have been and certainly do understand wanting to get enough sleep and being tired! I myself need to unwind and get a lot of sleep when I have worked full time.

I don't think I am keeping him at a distance. I would just like to know he is attracted to me on some level. I just don't always get a good feeling that he is. But then I think to myself that I just need to meet him more to see...I really don't know that much about him and while it has been over a month since we have started messaging, every day a few times, we've only met once...So I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

The things that put me off is that he has still never made a phone call to me.

Never really complimented me but may be I should take that as a good thing it says he isn't sleazy? Don't know.

But its too soon I guess and I should give him the benefit of doubt because I have liked what I have seen and read about him.

Kszan - do you think I should be the one to message him first to say sorry?
I would like to.

 
Old 02-12-2009, 10:16 AM   #12
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

YES, for pete's sake! I think you should absolutely message him first and tell him you're sorry things didn't work out but that you'd like to reschedule, and then actually be there and be on time the next time! And keep it light, don't be weird, just be normal. I still don't think he has done anything wrong and I still can't understand why this whole situation is causing you so much grief when it should be just a regular getting-to-know someone situation.

I keep reading your posts and wonder why you keep thinking he isn't interested in you? Maybe he's just shy? Maybe he's not totally sure of himself? You have said repeatedly in your posts that you like him, so quit being so afraid of telling him that you would like to see him again and that you want to talk to him. Geez, there's nothing wrong with telling a guy you're having a good time, you are enjoying their company, you want to get together again. It's OKAY to tell them those things, you're not breaking any codes by doing that! He probably doesn't know what to think about you because you're the one who keeps acting weird, and pretty soon he might just write you off just because HE doesn't know how YOU feel about HIM.

Quit making a mountain out of a molehill. Just message him and tell him you're sorry again for not being able to get together but you'd still really like to see him and give him a day/time that you know you will be able to make it there on time and go from there.

 
Old 02-12-2009, 10:25 AM   #13
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
YES, for pete's sake! I think you should absolutely message him first and tell him you're sorry things didn't work out but that you'd like to reschedule, and then actually be there and be on time the next time! And keep it light, don't be weird, just be normal. I still don't think he has done anything wrong and I still can't understand why this whole situation is causing you so much grief when it should be just a regular getting-to-know someone situation. It isn't causing me too much grief. I got upset last night but that was probably due to being disappointed and the combination of travelling lots and this flu that is seeming to appear!

I keep reading your posts and wonder why you keep thinking he isn't interested in you? Various reasons...just giving me a feeling. Maybe he's just shy? Maybe he's not totally sure of himself? You have said repeatedly in your posts that you like him, so quit being so afraid of telling him that you would like to see him again and that you want to talk to him. Geez, there's nothing wrong with telling a guy you're having a good time, you are enjoying their company, you want to get together again. I've told him all of that but not heard any of it to me from him It's OKAY to tell them those things, you're not breaking any codes by doing that! He probably doesn't know what to think about you because you're the one who keeps acting weird, and pretty soon he might just write you off just because HE doesn't know how YOU feel about HIM.

Quit making a mountain out of a molehill. Just message him and tell him you're sorry again for not being able to get together but you'd still really like to see him and give him a day/time that you know you will be able to make it there on time and go from there.Thanks for replying Kszan!

 
Old 02-12-2009, 01:47 PM   #14
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

Perhaps he is thinking "I kinda got stood up...by the online gal".

 
Old 02-13-2009, 02:01 PM   #15
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Re: I kinda got stood up...by the online guy

I sent him a message saying sorry and about arranging to meet again.

He normally logs into the site every day but hasn't since Wednesday.

I had a feeling he would be going away or something as he did say on the phone that he would check in within the next few days - not normal for him. He's on every day normally.

In hindsight, I should have text him to his phone.

Will keep you updated.

 
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