I am turning to this site for some suggestions. I am still trying figure out what to do. Here is my story…
I have been married almost 8 years have two little kids. My husband and I started running our own business and I could say have been successful doing it. My personality is totally opposite his tough. I like things to be done on time and have it organized. He is a smart person, very handy can do pretty much everything, but needs little push to get it done. Well and that's where it starts. He hates when I am on him and telling him what should be done by him, or if I have a different view on things. If I have different opinion it's the wrong one and that is where the voice stars raising. He goes to screaming right after that. His anger goes so far that he calls me nasty names and uses the F… and today he started hitting furniture, he broke table and made huge mass. His explanation is it's me I make him to talk to me like that because I am on top of him telling him what he knows he needs to do and that’s what I deserve. Is that normal or I am really that horrible person who makes him to do things like that? I am very emotional person and I have been crying almost every day. I feel like there is no way out.
He is a good father and he will fight me for the kids and I really don't want to get a divorce, but is it worth it? My kids are everything to me and that's why I am still with him. It would be very difficult to go trough divorce with all the assets and our kids. We could have such a great life if there is not that anger and hate. Any suggestions?
Is this verbal abuse only happening in the business, or does it spill over into your home?
If it stays at work (which I would be surprised), then it should be able to be addressed as a work related issue.
Does he flip out in front of your children? That would be the line in the sand that I wouldn't allow him to cross (not that doing it in private, is that much better). The fact that he turns the blame on you, that you somehow "made" him do it...that's the red flag!
Abuse is abuse, and nobody wins...particularly the children.
Well. The problem is work is home, but most of the problems are work related.
Not in front of our children. They ask me why I am sad and why I cry though. I don't say anything about dad and I believe he doesn't say anything bad to our kids about me. We are a good people and good parents. It's really just that comunication and his anger I feel he can't manage. I just wish we have happy life ...that's it. DON"T WE ALL?!
Your children are your greatest assets. Odds are these little girls will follow in your foot steps. Remember you and your husband are the role models. This aggressive (husband) , passive ( you) behaviour is being molded in your children's belief systems.
Your husband is reacting to earlier requests/ demands which were placed on him at a very early age. When a person becomes aggressive, he / she is reacting as that young child. Perhaps he had an aggressive mother,an absent mother or a mother who did not come to his rescue when he needed her protection. If he is breaking things, trust me, this is a young child's reactions.
If he is yelling and condeming, he is modelling his perent(s) /caregivers critical behaviour.
You are not responsible for your husband's actions.However, it is your responsibility to seek support for yourself and your children. The children are pure and innocent. Gifts from God!.
His explanation is it's me I make him to talk to me like that because I am on top of him telling him what he knows he needs to do and that’s what I deserve.
I understand where he is coming from when he says part of this. My husband tells me how to do stuff all the time that I already know how to do or he gets on to me about not doing things before he gives me the chance to actually do them without being told. The difference between your husband and I is that I am a very happy, positive person. So, I know how to deal with my anger. However, nothing makes me more angry than someone treating me like a child. It insults my intelligence. Your husband may feel the same way. He may feel that when you're getting on to him about doing stuff, that you are treating him like a child. Try to remember that he is an adult and he doesn't need you to babysit him and tell him how/when to do things. I'm sure he got things done just fine before you and he can get things done just fine without you. Have a little faith in him and trust him to do things without nagging him. My husband and I have discussed this and my husband said that it's really hard to not say anything, but...he is trying and we're happier because of it. It takes patience.
ON THE OTHER HAND: It is NOT your fault that he yells at you or verbally abuses you. I get annoyed when my husband tells me to do stuff that I was already planning on doing, but yelling and verbally abusing him would just be an irrational reaction. Your husband needs to learn the correct way to communicate things. I would start by letting him know how you feel. Don't say anything like "you make me feel like this or that" or "you need to do this or that." Just simply state "I feel scared when you yell at me." He can't argue with the way you feel. He can however argue with something he's done. So don't be accusatory, never open a sentence or conversation with YOU YOU YOU because he will automatically go on the defensive. As hard as it may be, encourage him in a loving manner to open up about the way he feels as well. Be ready to apologize for the way you've acted and don't expect an apology from him right away. He has to deal with his anger issues within himself before he can deal with the way they effect others. Acknowledge that you understand that your nagging (sorry it's the only term I can think of) is simply insulting to him and that you are sorry. If he sees that you understand how he feels, he's much more likely to open up and discuss the problem like an adult, as opposed to reverting back to the childlike behavior.
Maybe try leaving him little stickies with love notes on him at the same time you're telling him to do stuff... "Don't forget to submit that expense report and don't forget that I love you, <insert nickname here>!!! " silly, cute stuff like that could be a better way to remind him to do things that wouldn't elicit such a childlike reaction. Once he begins calming down, you may want to suggest seeing a counselor about his anger problems. But, not until he starts to calm down for a few weeks or even a month. He's already insulted, that would just insult him even more while he's still mad.
Before drastic measures are taken like seperation, take the time to sit down and note down his bevaiour changes. If you have been happily married for 11 years and it is only in the last few months he has changed then you need to find the trigger. I can only tell you from my own experience and what little info you have given that if he was a good man that man is still there. People would describe me a most kind helpful loving person who was always there for people. If your husband is like me coud fix anything and solve problems, have people come to him for help all his life i.e his family. Then I would say he is in overload.
I ran my own business but things go so well at one time, I found myself not able to talk about it because I was always a listener and fixer. I know it might sound stupid but I think he may be hiding somnething which he doesn't know how to tell you. For me I got angry with myself, I did shout at people and family but never broke anything. Pride had a lot to do with it but I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about my problem.
Do you know every aspect of the business including the accounts, maybe things are not as good as they seem.
If he was a bad man then this would of been a issue many years ago. If there is a problem asking him directly may not be the best first step. Maybe write him a letter just saying how worried you are and how you feel when he gets angry. If he reads it he will take it in better, then arrange a night just for you and him. Go out for a meal but you both must agree that the conversation must stay civil and be about the problem only. If he has got something to say then be prepared to do a lot of listening. Don't demend alow him the time to get it out, it will be easyer for him to open up if he believes you will listen without judgement.
When you say he used the F word this tells me the arguments have been if not too loud pretty civil until then. He is becoming more frustrated by the day, so if he doesn't get it out he will explode and do something he will regret.
To find you old husband you need to find whats stressing him.
If it is something that has been going on for many years then like happynik says the environment your children grow up in will reflect in their later life. No one should have to put up with abuse verbal or physical.
These are just my thoughts, I hope they help in some way if you want me to help more I need to know more about his behaviour when it changed and what sets him off.
Speaking from experience, while your husband is not pulling this behavior in front of your children, he quite possibly could start down the road. Even if he doesn't children can sense tension such as this.
The fact that you even have to question whether or not you are a horrible person means your husband is using guilt to justify his actions. He is blaming you for inexcusable behavior. Classic signs of an abuser. They do awful things that cross the line and harm others and then blame the person who they harmed because they "had it coming" or did something to provoke their INEXCUSABLE behavior. Left alone this will only get worse.
And that is where your children come in. The psychological damage I incurred (including years of therapy and medication and once, a visit to the hospital) is a result of living in this type of environment from infancy to adulthood. After one session with my current psychiatrist, he was able to tell me right off that I'm suffering from a form of what he called "PTSD" from the environment I lived in growing up. It was that obvious.
This situation is no good for either you or your kids. Your husband's behavior is crossing the line and he needs to get help. You are not the problem here, and you are not a horrible person.
After some of the replies I have approached him with "let’s try to work on our relationship" and I told him I will lay off of him and ...he agreed. I am trying really hard to hold my words and don't say anything. Even there is so much I want to say and I feel like I can't say anything he wouldn’t like to hear. The situation is little better now, but he is still not pleasant to talk to or be with. I don't know if this will ever get better. I would like so affection and just be treated like a woman. He is so nice to everybody around but come to me and it's this ugly face and just it feels like he hates me. I don't understand why he wants to be with me and don't want to separation I think it is all about our assets and business. And i know it would be very difficult divorce but live like this???????
I am pretty sure he has an anger problem but how to make him to at least think about it that possibility and get help. He doesn't think there is a problem with his anger. I don't have my family living close by or anybody I can feel a little love and get a hug there. I have talked to my mom about it but don't want to worry her too much. My kids are the only love I feel close by. I am very emotional person and this is all just very hard on me. I don't want to end this but is there hope? I am thinking about therapy again, but it get so expensive. Is there any free services like that or more affordable than $150/hour?
Thank you all for listening
Last edited by VERYUNHAPPY; 03-01-2009 at 07:29 AM.
VERYUNHAPPY: my mother is the love of my father's life, but he's still verbally/psychologically abusive towards her. He loves me more than anything but he's still verbally/psychologically abusive towards me. What I'm trying to get at here is it's not your fault your husband is like that, and he most likely doesn't hate you! He just can't help it, and it's much easier for an abuser to do that to their family because they figure they will always forgive him.
My suggestion is to check out family service programs in your area. Some may offer family counseling free of charge or low cost. It honestly sounds like your husband NEEDS help on his own and that some family therapy wouldn't hurt either.
But, if this doesn't work then despite the mess a divorce/separation would entail, you really have to consider that option for your health and more important the health of your children.
I really do hope everything works out for you and your family, VERYUNHAPPY. You did nothing to deserve this treatment. Your husband has a problem and needs help.
just keep in mind that your kids will turn out as mirror images of you both.....
if you have boys, they will learn that it's perfectly acceptable to be abusive to their wives. If you have girls they will learn that they should accept abuse from their men because that's the way life is, it's normal.
do you really want your kids growing up with that twisted view on relationships? I promise you.....staying in this situation is teaching them more than you realize about human relationships......and it's teaching them the wrong things.
I think I will give up now. We have tried to get along but it looks like it's just not possible. He will never change, he will never appreciate me and treat me lake a lady. He hasn't really been abusive lately but just the way he treats me is not acceptable anymore. He simply things I don't deserve it. Our business is doing great and I have worked really hard on it to be successful and it is. First I though I will just give up the business just to get this over with. But now I feel I deserve to have this business. I know he is not going to make it easy with divorce. He is not going to let me take our kids even know I am the one who takes care of them most of the time but I know he will fight me to death. He said to me many times if you want to go you can go but kids are staying with him. Well, that is never gonna happened. So I don't really know what to do to separate with him. I just don't want to have a man like him as my husband. There is not one pleasant conversation with him. I can't even imagine how we can split everything I am not even watching our financials it has been run like family business and I don't know where to start to make some type of agreement. All I really wanted is to be happy and have caring loving husband which he will never be. I would love him if he lets me....
I am stuck.......
Last edited by VERYUNHAPPY; 05-21-2009 at 11:10 AM.
I can't make my self to do that for some reson I don't know.....;( We could have such a great life we have all we need, we both work so hard.....and our wonderful kids are so great. Why can't we just make it???? I am not really asking just leting my thoughts out. I went to a gym last night to get out for little while but couldn't stop crying about our situation.Thank you all for reading it.