Hey Silly Silly Goose. I haven't read all of the posts in this thread, b/c it's late and I'm tired. But I think I understand where you're coming from with your trust issues. You've been through a lot; no one will ever tell you that getting cheated on doesn't hurt. From the sound of it, you seem like a very trusting person by nature. It's great to trust other people, and to assume that others are trustworthy until they prove otherwise. "Innocent until proven guilty", right? I'm the same way; I'm very trusting, and almost naive at times.
When I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, the kneejerk reaction was to not be so trusting. But that never seemed right to me. The love I shared with my ex was really powerful, even overwhelming at times. It wasn't the best I've ever felt in my life, because deep down I knew that things weren't perfect with us. Yet, with time, I realized that if I were ever going to have another relationship that was as satisfying as that one had been for me, I needed to feel the trust and connection that I felt with my ex. I knew I would need to give it my all.
So should we just love blindly, knowing that every relationship we ever have, except for The One, is going to end in heartbreak? Well, unfortunately, heartbreak is the name of the game. However, that doesn't mean love and trust have to be blind. It doesn't mean we should just give our hearts to anyone.
And here's what I've come to conclude. I will trust fully and love fully again, when the time is right. But I need to make sure that I find someone who is worthy of that trust, that love, that commitment. With so many people in this big world of ours, you've really got to be selective with who you let into your life. You have to be really careful when you give your heart to someone else. Because, the harsh reality is, most of the people in the world won't be right for you. They won't be worthy of your love and your trust. You've got to work at it a little bit and just persevere until you find someone who is.
Take things slowly next time around. Give yourself tons of time to just be single and be yourself between relationships. Have plenty of "deal-breakers" when you first meet someone. If you're unhappy, or something doesn't seem right in a relationship, don't be afraid to walk away. Don't be afraid to call it quits. Because you're an incredible person, and you deserve the best the world has to offer. You shouldn't have to put up with any BS. And trust me, there are still going to be a lot of guys out there who will be just perfect for you. This is how I've come to see the dating world. Be careful who you trust, but when you do trust, trust fully and with all your heart.
I was just reading a sports article and something in it made me think of you, Silly Silly Goose, and about some of the things I mentioned in my post yesterday. These are some lines from an article about Terrell Owens, a popular and talented American football player with a selfish attitude, who always winds up having trouble with his teammates:
"...his inability to trust people has skewed him so much that he eventually undermines himself...Said one former associate: 'It’s really sad because Terrell is a good person in so many ways. But if he suspects anything is even about to go wrong, you lose. It’s like he’s expecting the worst in people and it happens over and over again.' "
Now, ok, this is obviously in the context of a professional sport and it's quite different from the trust issues you're having. It just made me think of you, and I wanted to provide an example of what can happen to you if you don't have a little trust in people. Sure, this player is going to be in the Hall of Fame someday, but he'll be remembered for his poor attitude much more than for his accomplishments on the field. The world becomes a very ugly place if you're afraid to trust people. Don't let it happen to you. As I said the other day, you can and should be more careful about who you do trust. Make people work for your trust. But when they have gained it and proven themselves loyal and trustworthy, love and trust them all the way.
Hey Silly Silly Goose. I haven't read all of the posts in this thread, b/c it's late and I'm tired. But I think I understand where you're coming from with your trust issues. You've been through a lot; no one will ever tell you that getting cheated on doesn't hurt. From the sound of it, you seem like a very trusting person by nature. It's great to trust other people, and to assume that others are trustworthy until they prove otherwise. "Innocent until proven guilty", right? I'm the same way; I'm very trusting, and almost naive at times.
When I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, the kneejerk reaction was to not be so trusting. But that never seemed right to me. The love I shared with my ex was really powerful, even overwhelming at times. It wasn't the best I've ever felt in my life, because deep down I knew that things weren't perfect with us. Yet, with time, I realized that if I were ever going to have another relationship that was as satisfying as that one had been for me, I needed to feel the trust and connection that I felt with my ex. I knew I would need to give it my all.
So should we just love blindly, knowing that every relationship we ever have, except for The One, is going to end in heartbreak? Well, unfortunately, heartbreak is the name of the game. However, that doesn't mean love and trust have to be blind. It doesn't mean we should just give our hearts to anyone.
And here's what I've come to conclude. I will trust fully and love fully again, when the time is right. But I need to make sure that I find someone who is worthy of that trust, that love, that commitment. With so many people in this big world of ours, you've really got to be selective with who you let into your life. You have to be really careful when you give your heart to someone else. Because, the harsh reality is, most of the people in the world won't be right for you. They won't be worthy of your love and your trust. You've got to work at it a little bit and just persevere until you find someone who is.
Take things slowly next time around. Give yourself tons of time to just be single and be yourself between relationships. Have plenty of "deal-breakers" when you first meet someone. If you're unhappy, or something doesn't seem right in a relationship, don't be afraid to walk away. Don't be afraid to call it quits. Because you're an incredible person, and you deserve the best the world has to offer. You shouldn't have to put up with any BS. And trust me, there are still going to be a lot of guys out there who will be just perfect for you. This is how I've come to see the dating world. Be careful who you trust, but when you do trust, trust fully and with all your heart.
hey plaxmax... i am a very trusting person by nature. i think many women are. i also forgive the ones i love a little too easily. which is why i've put myself through all the BS with my prior relationship. its not only cheating.. its trusting a person not to lie to you.. trusting a person not to take advantage of you. my problem was, i was so wrapped up in trying to make the person i loved happy, doing whatever he asked me to do, even after being abused & disrespected i forgave him. why? then i trusted him to not hit me anymore, and he did it again. anyways.. this is where my trust has surfaced. i am actually having many deal breakers... i dont want a boyfriend, at all but i have talk to guys. probably at least 5 since the break up and they have all been deal breakers. the most recent one, was a guy blew me off for another girl then made the mistake of "confessing" to me about it & trying to explain himself. i told him i wasnt interested in the explanation, or in seeing him. maybe thats a little harsh, but if i forgive him now... which i could have... what is he going to get away with later?
anyways. thank you for your response, it was refreshing
I was just reading a sports article and something in it made me think of you, Silly Silly Goose, and about some of the things I mentioned in my post yesterday. These are some lines from an article about Terrell Owens, a popular and talented American football player with a selfish attitude, who always winds up having trouble with his teammates:
"...his inability to trust people has skewed him so much that he eventually undermines himself...Said one former associate: 'It’s really sad because Terrell is a good person in so many ways. But if he suspects anything is even about to go wrong, you lose. It’s like he’s expecting the worst in people and it happens over and over again.' "
Now, ok, this is obviously in the context of a professional sport and it's quite different from the trust issues you're having. It just made me think of you, and I wanted to provide an example of what can happen to you if you don't have a little trust in people. Sure, this player is going to be in the Hall of Fame someday, but he'll be remembered for his poor attitude much more than for his accomplishments on the field. The world becomes a very ugly place if you're afraid to trust people. Don't let it happen to you. As I said the other day, you can and should be more careful about who you do trust. Make people work for your trust. But when they have gained it and proven themselves loyal and trustworthy, love and trust them all the way.
this does make sense... and i have been choosy to who i trust. i dont think all guys are lying douchbags, but im not going to think they are angels either. i think sometimes i second guess them, well the nice ones, because how can a guy possibly be that nice? for example, there is this guy i met the other day, we hung out all weekend (my best friend is married to his best friend, weird) but he was really sweet. like he gave me a foot rub, complimented me, got things for me.. and its like ok this cant be real. he must be faking all of this. but im not showing him that those thoughts cross my mind.. but they do. so i dont know. he wanted to hang out again sunday... after being together friday & saturday. i told him that i wasnt trying to get into a relationship, and when i asked him what he wanted he said he was looking for a relationship. even after i told him i didnt want one, the way he was acting didnt change. he was still as sweet as he was before. so ... i think i may have an okay attitude about it?
i am actually having many deal breakers... i dont want a boyfriend, at all but i have talk to guys. probably at least 5 since the break up and they have all been deal breakers. the most recent one, was a guy blew me off for another girl then made the mistake of "confessing" to me about it & trying to explain himself. i told him i wasnt interested in the explanation, or in seeing him. maybe thats a little harsh, but if i forgive him now... which i could have... what is he going to get away with later?
anyways. thank you for your response, it was refreshing
It doesn't sound like you understood what I meant by dealbreakers. My fault, I should have explained it. A dealbreaker is like when you're interested in somebody, but then you find out that there's something about that person that you can't stand. For example, I don't like smokers. So if I'm on a date with a girl, I may be having a great time, but if she pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking, I'm probably not going to call her again. For me, smoking is a dealbreaker. It's a way of being more selective with who you spend your time with.
Just wanted to clear that up. I hope things go well with this new guy that you've met. I think it's a good sign that he's still being kind to you even though you told him that you don't want a relationship. He sounds like a genuinely nice person, you should try to get to know him a little better.
i understood what you meant by a deal breaker... my dealbreaker for him was just the fact that he blew me off.. & i havent spoken to him sense, although he continued to still try to explain himself.
I felt really sad reading your message. Do you really believe that you'd be happier and more fulfilled going through life alone? I don't know your story but I expect you've been very hurt somewhere along the way. And yes, maybe you're right in saying that being single would be a lot less stress and worry, but at the same time theres nothing nicer than sharing an experience, a thought, or a cuddle with someone that you're in a loving realtionship with.
Well, here's one that's crushed me to pieces. Met my 'ex' 35 years ago. Married & best friends all those years. Then I became ill & physically disabled, and unable to have sex. But he hung in there with me. Then last year, he lost his job, and like "overnight" told me he wanted his "freedom" to do what he wanted & whenever. I went into told shock, as never once did I think he'd abandon me. Sure we had our normal ups & downs, but he truly had a meltdown after his job was gone; thought he was missing out on things he couldn't do prior even though we had a huge interesting life together. Totally compatible with similar interests, etc., etc. The "perfect" marriage except for my disability. Because we traveled so much, we didn't socialize with others; just him & me. So when he left, I was living alone, which I'd never done in my life. No family; no friends, and no ability to go out to meet others. My career as a psychological counselor didn't see this coming. Now he just says, let's stay "friends" while he lives elsewhere & travels with his college buddy to play. Meanwhile I have such anger & depression because I don't know how to live alone. I could if I had a nice guy visit occasionally to give me some emotional support. I've tried counseling, but they just can't go there with me, because how do you get over a 35 year friendship. I so dislike the anger & depression, but I'm housebound and being in my late 60's, I'm totally "lost". So "NO" I no longer will trust someone again; only if somehow one visits occasionally but online is the only connection I have to the outside world. I'm sure my illness will take me out before I"ll ever be able to forgive him for such a huge betrayal.
UGH Carol I'm so sorry. That is... so unthinkable... sounds like he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis a little late. Maybe he'll come to his senses, but would you take him back if he did?
UGH Carol I'm so sorry. That is... so unthinkable... sounds like he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis a little late. Maybe he'll come to his senses, but would you take him back if he did?
I don't love him; I'm just now dependent on him. Would you take him back?
I don't know... I'd like to think that I wouldn't. Maybe if he were very remorseful and persistently tried to win my trust back to a great extent. Even then it would be hard to forgive.
I don't know... I'd like to think that I wouldn't. Maybe if he were very remorseful and persistently tried to win my trust back to a great extent. Even then it would be hard to forgive.
No remorse; says he's sorry, but has chosen another path. Stats are revealing that 3 out of 5 guys cheat at some time in their relationship.
And we just don't know when or why.
When someone mentioned that they see these 80 year olds happy as can be, that's a whole different generation where their values were much more in tact. In today's world, it's "common" for guys & women to cheat. It's become a very narcisstic society and the values of the 50's are pretty much ignored.
UGH Carol I'm so sorry. That is... so unthinkable... sounds like he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis a little late. Maybe he'll come to his senses, but would you take him back if he did?
If you were in my position, how would you deal with the huge anger, which then results in depression. Can't take drugs. My gentle nature cannot handle this anger.
Well, here's one that's crushed me to pieces. Met my 'ex' 35 years ago. Married & best friends all those years. Then I became ill & physically disabled, and unable to have sex. But he hung in there with me. Then last year, he lost his job, and like "overnight" told me he wanted his "freedom" to do what he wanted & whenever. I went into told shock, as never once did I think he'd abandon me. Sure we had our normal ups & downs, but he truly had a meltdown after his job was gone; thought he was missing out on things he couldn't do prior even though we had a huge interesting life together. Totally compatible with similar interests, etc., etc. The "perfect" marriage except for my disability. Because we traveled so much, we didn't socialize with others; just him & me. So when he left, I was living alone, which I'd never done in my life. No family; no friends, and no ability to go out to meet others. My career as a psychological counselor didn't see this coming. Now he just says, let's stay "friends" while he lives elsewhere & travels with his college buddy to play. Meanwhile I have such anger & depression because I don't know how to live alone. I could if I had a nice guy visit occasionally to give me some emotional support. I've tried counseling, but they just can't go there with me, because how do you get over a 35 year friendship. I so dislike the anger & depression, but I'm housebound and being in my late 60's, I'm totally "lost". So "NO" I no longer will trust someone again; only if somehow one visits occasionally but online is the only connection I have to the outside world. I'm sure my illness will take me out before I"ll ever be able to forgive him for such a huge betrayal.
Well here's a "kicker" for you. After watching that actor commit suicide up in Vancouver due to his depression, and realizing that deep depression I'd gone into, I hit the wall. I have screened hundreds of guys online and didn't trust one to invite into my home for human platonic cuddling.
I tried contacting counselors; none returned my calls. Everywhere I'd looked just wasn't helping, and I so related to this guy (forget his name), but he was only in his 40's, and had gone off his anti-depressants. For me, I can't tolerate them.
So yesterday morning, my lowest time, I phoned someone who told me to phone my "ex".......yukk I thought. But I was desperate. So I did, and we ended up talking about my situation; he asked what I needed and I told him. We made a compromise that we would not live together, so he still has his freedom; I have to "forgive" him. And, in turn, he'll become the friend I had for 35 years. I actually invited him over last night; he brought chinese food, and we talked like we always used to. We cuddled, and I knew that was going to take my anger & depression from me. Who knew that I was capable of doing that!! Certainly not me, but it was that or I was going to check out. My helper & chiropractor were so glad I made that decision as they knew him before he left.
I just can't think of "his" other life, as he reminded me how he was never into cuddling; just occasional sex (we know what that means) and the rest was job searching.
Just could no longer handle the lack of human contact, and like he said, we're 'family"; just can't live together any longer but I see him now as he still runs errands, takes the garbage out, and maintains everything here, so really it was just about my decision to accept what is. HUGE!!!!
The internet and mobile phones have really fast tracked the ability to cheat for both men and women. This is why you can't compare the relationships of those in their 70's and 80's now as with those much younger. So many things are much more acceptable these days and morals have gone out the window. I'm sure men and women have cheated over the centuries, but not to the degree that is being accomplished these days!!!!
Years ago i used to chat with a group of friends on the net. You wouldn't believe how many married men attempted to proposition me for online sexual type chats. I didn't chat with unknown people in private, only my known friends, i never had a profile pic or a proper profile. These guys were just messaging everybody in the hope of getting lucky. The saddest thing was that most of these guys were married men.
My friend recently found out that her husband of 4 yrs had been on a casual adult website for nearly a year. She found a weird message on his mobile and phoned the number. A female answered and told her which website she had met my friend's husband on. She has forgiven her husband as she doesn't believe her husband went all the way with any of the women off the website. She just thinks he was fishing around for an ego boost. She is finding it difficult to get over finding out he had taken that step of going onto a casual dating website. It's the trust which is difficult to rebuild after such a situation if you do decide to stay together. The thing is, her husband is the quiet, shy type and the last person i expected to hear doing this type of thing.
The problem is that most of us blame ourselves and then we get all worked up, bitter and twisted, which isn't healthy. There are good men and women out there and we do need to learn to trust and give someone new a chance and not blame them for things which have occured in our past.
To help get over immediate grief and depression, whether you are suffering due to being cheated on or due to some other reasons, i've found St John's Wort to be better than antidepressants and it's natural. If you can find one which has additional supplements in it like Tyrosine in particular, Magnesium, Glutamine, you will find it so helpful. The Tyrosine i've found works within a couple of days and has helped me sleep and get my appetite back and really works towards me feeling more normal and better able to cope with the situation. Getting a little help along the way from a natural supplement wont hurt and gets you back on track so much sooner.
Caroleye - It was so sad reading your situation. I know it's far easier said than done, but as he's not going to come back on a permanent basis you need to think of the future without him being there.
Are there any community groups who can help you out and organise any outings? I'm not sure what your local are or country has. I do know some places have community groups with mini buses and they take out people for the day or there are people who do volunteer work and visit the housebound or take them out for the day. It's good you have the internet. How about your local paper, is there anything in the community section which you could get involved in somehow? or is there a group for those who have your illness? Sometimes there are groups on the net and you might be able to find people in your local area to meet up with once in a while, perhaps others in your situation? Bit by bit you need to start looking at new things as this is how we start making new friends, bit by bit. I'm aware it's going to be harder for you as you are ill as opposed to someone fit and healthy, but taking small steps towards ways in making friends will make life so much better.
The internet and mobile phones have really fast tracked the ability to cheat for both men and women. This is why you can't compare the relationships of those in their 70's and 80's now as with those much younger. So many things are much more acceptable these days and morals have gone out the window. I'm sure men and women have cheated over the centuries, but not to the degree that is being accomplished these days!!!!
Years ago i used to chat with a group of friends on the net. You wouldn't believe how many married men attempted to proposition me for online sexual type chats. I didn't chat with unknown people in private, only my known friends, i never had a profile pic or a proper profile. These guys were just messaging everybody in the hope of getting lucky. The saddest thing was that most of these guys were married men.
My friend recently found out that her husband of 4 yrs had been on a casual adult website for nearly a year. She found a weird message on his mobile and phoned the number. A female answered and told her which website she had met my friend's husband on. She has forgiven her husband as she doesn't believe her husband went all the way with any of the women off the website. She just thinks he was fishing around for an ego boost. She is finding it difficult to get over finding out he had taken that step of going onto a casual dating website. It's the trust which is difficult to rebuild after such a situation if you do decide to stay together. The thing is, her husband is the quiet, shy type and the last person i expected to hear doing this type of thing.
The problem is that most of us blame ourselves and then we get all worked up, bitter and twisted, which isn't healthy. There are good men and women out there and we do need to learn to trust and give someone new a chance and not blame them for things which have occured in our past.
To help get over immediate grief and depression, whether you are suffering due to being cheated on or due to some other reasons, i've found St John's Wort to be better than antidepressants and it's natural. If you can find one which has additional supplements in it like Tyrosine in particular, Magnesium, Glutamine, you will find it so helpful. The Tyrosine i've found works within a couple of days and has helped me sleep and get my appetite back and really works towards me feeling more normal and better able to cope with the situation. Getting a little help along the way from a natural supplement wont hurt and gets you back on track so much sooner.
Caroleye - It was so sad reading your situation. I know it's far easier said than done, but as he's not going to come back on a permanent basis you need to think of the future without him being there.
Are there any community groups who can help you out and organise any outings? I'm not sure what your local are or country has. I do know some places have community groups with mini buses and they take out people for the day or there are people who do volunteer work and visit the housebound or take them out for the day. It's good you have the internet. How about your local paper, is there anything in the community section which you could get involved in somehow? or is there a group for those who have your illness? Sometimes there are groups on the net and you might be able to find people in your local area to meet up with once in a while, perhaps others in your situation? Bit by bit you need to start looking at new things as this is how we start making new friends, bit by bit. I'm aware it's going to be harder for you as you are ill as opposed to someone fit and healthy, but taking small steps towards ways in making friends will make life so much better.
Thanks for alll your suggestions. Unfortunately I"m in a very rural area where very little is going on, and even if it was, just traveling in a vehicle (not driving) makes my pain worse.
So the online groups for both my illnesses & friends are my resource. The computer is my blessing!!
