It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-21-2010, 10:53 AM   #31
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: half moon bay, california. U.S.A.
Posts: 386
caroleye HB User
Re: is commitment impossible?

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
I don't know... I'd like to think that I wouldn't. Maybe if he were very remorseful and persistently tried to win my trust back to a great extent. Even then it would be hard to forgive.
No remorse; says he's sorry, but has chosen another path. Stats are revealing that 3 out of 5 guys cheat at some time in their relationship.
And we just don't know when or why.

When someone mentioned that they see these 80 year olds happy as can be, that's a whole different generation where their values were much more in tact. In today's world, it's "common" for guys & women to cheat. It's become a very narcisstic society and the values of the 50's are pretty much ignored.

 
Old 02-22-2010, 03:25 PM   #32
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: half moon bay, california. U.S.A.
Posts: 386
caroleye HB User
Re: is commitment impossible?

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
UGH Carol I'm so sorry. That is... so unthinkable... sounds like he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis a little late. Maybe he'll come to his senses, but would you take him back if he did?
If you were in my position, how would you deal with the huge anger, which then results in depression. Can't take drugs. My gentle nature cannot handle this anger.

Any suggestions?

Thanks.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-23-2010, 12:10 AM   #33
ka1 ka1 is offline
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 89
ka1 HB User
Re: is commitment impossible?

I would like to know too, because a piece of me is dying inside everyday. It hurts so much, it just hurts.

 
Old 02-27-2010, 10:21 AM   #34
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: half moon bay, california. U.S.A.
Posts: 386
caroleye HB User
Re: is commitment impossible?

Quote:
Originally Posted by caroleye View Post
Well, here's one that's crushed me to pieces. Met my 'ex' 35 years ago. Married & best friends all those years. Then I became ill & physically disabled, and unable to have sex. But he hung in there with me. Then last year, he lost his job, and like "overnight" told me he wanted his "freedom" to do what he wanted & whenever. I went into told shock, as never once did I think he'd abandon me. Sure we had our normal ups & downs, but he truly had a meltdown after his job was gone; thought he was missing out on things he couldn't do prior even though we had a huge interesting life together. Totally compatible with similar interests, etc., etc. The "perfect" marriage except for my disability. Because we traveled so much, we didn't socialize with others; just him & me. So when he left, I was living alone, which I'd never done in my life. No family; no friends, and no ability to go out to meet others. My career as a psychological counselor didn't see this coming. Now he just says, let's stay "friends" while he lives elsewhere & travels with his college buddy to play. Meanwhile I have such anger & depression because I don't know how to live alone. I could if I had a nice guy visit occasionally to give me some emotional support. I've tried counseling, but they just can't go there with me, because how do you get over a 35 year friendship. I so dislike the anger & depression, but I'm housebound and being in my late 60's, I'm totally "lost". So "NO" I no longer will trust someone again; only if somehow one visits occasionally but online is the only connection I have to the outside world. I'm sure my illness will take me out before I"ll ever be able to forgive him for such a huge betrayal.
Well here's a "kicker" for you. After watching that actor commit suicide up in Vancouver due to his depression, and realizing that deep depression I'd gone into, I hit the wall. I have screened hundreds of guys online and didn't trust one to invite into my home for human platonic cuddling.

I tried contacting counselors; none returned my calls. Everywhere I'd looked just wasn't helping, and I so related to this guy (forget his name), but he was only in his 40's, and had gone off his anti-depressants. For me, I can't tolerate them.

So yesterday morning, my lowest time, I phoned someone who told me to phone my "ex".......yukk I thought. But I was desperate. So I did, and we ended up talking about my situation; he asked what I needed and I told him. We made a compromise that we would not live together, so he still has his freedom; I have to "forgive" him. And, in turn, he'll become the friend I had for 35 years. I actually invited him over last night; he brought chinese food, and we talked like we always used to. We cuddled, and I knew that was going to take my anger & depression from me. Who knew that I was capable of doing that!! Certainly not me, but it was that or I was going to check out. My helper & chiropractor were so glad I made that decision as they knew him before he left.

I just can't think of "his" other life, as he reminded me how he was never into cuddling; just occasional sex (we know what that means) and the rest was job searching.

Just could no longer handle the lack of human contact, and like he said, we're 'family"; just can't live together any longer but I see him now as he still runs errands, takes the garbage out, and maintains everything here, so really it was just about my decision to accept what is. HUGE!!!!

 
Old 03-01-2010, 01:50 AM   #35
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,987
Audrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB UserAudrey-B HB User
Re: is commitment impossible?

The internet and mobile phones have really fast tracked the ability to cheat for both men and women. This is why you can't compare the relationships of those in their 70's and 80's now as with those much younger. So many things are much more acceptable these days and morals have gone out the window. I'm sure men and women have cheated over the centuries, but not to the degree that is being accomplished these days!!!!

Years ago i used to chat with a group of friends on the net. You wouldn't believe how many married men attempted to proposition me for online sexual type chats. I didn't chat with unknown people in private, only my known friends, i never had a profile pic or a proper profile. These guys were just messaging everybody in the hope of getting lucky. The saddest thing was that most of these guys were married men.

My friend recently found out that her husband of 4 yrs had been on a casual adult website for nearly a year. She found a weird message on his mobile and phoned the number. A female answered and told her which website she had met my friend's husband on. She has forgiven her husband as she doesn't believe her husband went all the way with any of the women off the website. She just thinks he was fishing around for an ego boost. She is finding it difficult to get over finding out he had taken that step of going onto a casual dating website. It's the trust which is difficult to rebuild after such a situation if you do decide to stay together. The thing is, her husband is the quiet, shy type and the last person i expected to hear doing this type of thing.

The problem is that most of us blame ourselves and then we get all worked up, bitter and twisted, which isn't healthy. There are good men and women out there and we do need to learn to trust and give someone new a chance and not blame them for things which have occured in our past.

To help get over immediate grief and depression, whether you are suffering due to being cheated on or due to some other reasons, i've found St John's Wort to be better than antidepressants and it's natural. If you can find one which has additional supplements in it like Tyrosine in particular, Magnesium, Glutamine, you will find it so helpful. The Tyrosine i've found works within a couple of days and has helped me sleep and get my appetite back and really works towards me feeling more normal and better able to cope with the situation. Getting a little help along the way from a natural supplement wont hurt and gets you back on track so much sooner.

Caroleye - It was so sad reading your situation. I know it's far easier said than done, but as he's not going to come back on a permanent basis you need to think of the future without him being there.

Are there any community groups who can help you out and organise any outings? I'm not sure what your local are or country has. I do know some places have community groups with mini buses and they take out people for the day or there are people who do volunteer work and visit the housebound or take them out for the day. It's good you have the internet. How about your local paper, is there anything in the community section which you could get involved in somehow? or is there a group for those who have your illness? Sometimes there are groups on the net and you might be able to find people in your local area to meet up with once in a while, perhaps others in your situation? Bit by bit you need to start looking at new things as this is how we start making new friends, bit by bit. I'm aware it's going to be harder for you as you are ill as opposed to someone fit and healthy, but taking small steps towards ways in making friends will make life so much better.

 
Old 03-01-2010, 08:53 AM   #36
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: half moon bay, california. U.S.A.
Posts: 386
caroleye HB User
Re: is commitment impossible?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Audrey-B View Post
The internet and mobile phones have really fast tracked the ability to cheat for both men and women. This is why you can't compare the relationships of those in their 70's and 80's now as with those much younger. So many things are much more acceptable these days and morals have gone out the window. I'm sure men and women have cheated over the centuries, but not to the degree that is being accomplished these days!!!!

Years ago i used to chat with a group of friends on the net. You wouldn't believe how many married men attempted to proposition me for online sexual type chats. I didn't chat with unknown people in private, only my known friends, i never had a profile pic or a proper profile. These guys were just messaging everybody in the hope of getting lucky. The saddest thing was that most of these guys were married men.

My friend recently found out that her husband of 4 yrs had been on a casual adult website for nearly a year. She found a weird message on his mobile and phoned the number. A female answered and told her which website she had met my friend's husband on. She has forgiven her husband as she doesn't believe her husband went all the way with any of the women off the website. She just thinks he was fishing around for an ego boost. She is finding it difficult to get over finding out he had taken that step of going onto a casual dating website. It's the trust which is difficult to rebuild after such a situation if you do decide to stay together. The thing is, her husband is the quiet, shy type and the last person i expected to hear doing this type of thing.

The problem is that most of us blame ourselves and then we get all worked up, bitter and twisted, which isn't healthy. There are good men and women out there and we do need to learn to trust and give someone new a chance and not blame them for things which have occured in our past.

To help get over immediate grief and depression, whether you are suffering due to being cheated on or due to some other reasons, i've found St John's Wort to be better than antidepressants and it's natural. If you can find one which has additional supplements in it like Tyrosine in particular, Magnesium, Glutamine, you will find it so helpful. The Tyrosine i've found works within a couple of days and has helped me sleep and get my appetite back and really works towards me feeling more normal and better able to cope with the situation. Getting a little help along the way from a natural supplement wont hurt and gets you back on track so much sooner.

Caroleye - It was so sad reading your situation. I know it's far easier said than done, but as he's not going to come back on a permanent basis you need to think of the future without him being there.

Are there any community groups who can help you out and organise any outings? I'm not sure what your local are or country has. I do know some places have community groups with mini buses and they take out people for the day or there are people who do volunteer work and visit the housebound or take them out for the day. It's good you have the internet. How about your local paper, is there anything in the community section which you could get involved in somehow? or is there a group for those who have your illness? Sometimes there are groups on the net and you might be able to find people in your local area to meet up with once in a while, perhaps others in your situation? Bit by bit you need to start looking at new things as this is how we start making new friends, bit by bit. I'm aware it's going to be harder for you as you are ill as opposed to someone fit and healthy, but taking small steps towards ways in making friends will make life so much better.
Thanks for alll your suggestions. Unfortunately I"m in a very rural area where very little is going on, and even if it was, just traveling in a vehicle (not driving) makes my pain worse.

So the online groups for both my illnesses & friends are my resource. The computer is my blessing!!

Your feedback is appreciated.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
commitment phobic? a bit long seachange Relationship Health 5 03-11-2008 11:16 PM
COMMITMENT HEARING tomorrow?? tsohl Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 85 07-22-2007 04:01 PM
Commitment Phobia smithjl Phobias 9 12-08-2006 01:04 PM
dealing with CP (commitment phobia) with your partner/ex akajessie Phobias 6 01-19-2006 07:37 PM
Think BF has COMMITMENT PHOBIA! alwysasweetie21 Phobias 5 12-04-2005 11:38 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:13 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!