Funny how little annoying things can grow into monsters.
I have lived with my SO for over ten years.
His allergies/asthma (? not sure which) have always annoyed me because sometimes I think he exaggerates. That may or may not be true.
EVERYTHING seems to bother him.
I used to smoke, but quit over a year ago.
Here is a partial list of things that bother him:
dryer sheets
my christmas tree
perfume
body lotion
candles
microwave popcorn
air fresheners
garlic toast in the oven
in short, anything he can smell.
I have told him numerous times how much this situation bothers me.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own house.
Here is why I am soooo angry:
He will not take any of the allergy or asthma meds that the doctor wants to give him.
Last week he set up a lawnchair in my kitchen because he said something in the living room was bothering him.
I can't live like this, I told him he should think about moving out.
I am scared, however, because he has so many good qualities. I don't know if it would be a big mistake to end this. I can't imagine how I'm going to take care of the house by myself.
I'm just a wreck over this.....
any thoughts.
(By the way, since the blow-up he has done nothing to try to resolve the situation. We have just stayed in different rooms and avoid each other.)
Last edited by Alexandria730; 02-19-2009 at 04:21 PM.
Reason: spelling
Wow, I feel for you. I am not an allergy sufferer myself, but I do have a "friend" who sounds much like your husband. Even visiting this person is very uncomfortable, because everything I do obviously bothers him. I am actually visiting his brother (high school friends-35 years), and I live one block away. His identity seems to be connected to allergies/migraines/toxins/you name it!
There are some people who function best, when they are ill. They need special care, constant attention, and all the focus on them. It's all about them.
This constant drain on your soul will suck you dry. Perhaps you could help him best by helping yourself, to a long overdue break from his illness cycle. Maybe you would both feel better if you had some space between you for awhile.
Does he say why he doesn't take the allergy meds the doctor wants to prescribe? My brother is asthmatic and goes through a lot of the same things. Almost everything on your list makes him sneeze and then some. He takes asthma meds but can't take allergy meds either.
Besides talking it out and reaching a compromise, not sure what you can do to solve the situation. If he's allergic he's allergic. Weigh the pros and cons and think lomg and hard about what you want to do. Sorry if that doesn't help much.
dryer sheets - yes!! My hubby has no tolerance for any washing detergent with smell. I myself have no tolerance for dryer sheets (not because of allergies but becaue it's pointless to be adding this unnaturally sweet toxic smell).
christmas tree - yes, hubby is allergic to fir but we still go with fir because spruce is shedding.
perfume - yes!! I dropped any perfume after he chocked while driving on my crazily expensive Hermes perfume.
body lotion - not that yet, but we choose something generic that doesn't smell much.
candles - a person who likes dryer sheets must like some kind of incenses or strong voitive candles and it's death to the allergic people.
microwave popcorn - nope! He likes his popcorn.
air fresheners - I can't stand it myself. Toxines like air fresheners, chemical cleaners, dryer sheets - are you set on your path to an auto-immune disease????
garlic toast in the oven - yes!!! Can't cook anything with garlic, he will spend a terrible night.
Last week he set up a lawnchair in my kitchen because he said something in the living room was bothering him.
- well, my hubby is not as bold, but his suffering doesn't make me feel good, neither.
You must be one of those women whose clothes and sheets have that strong sweety odor from a strong detergent and dryer sheets (I find it repulsive actually) and who walks in a cloud of perfume (if it's a cheap perfume it's repulsive, too).
I think you need to wake up and stop moving towards your own disease and be more sensitive towards your SO.
He says the allergy meds make him tired.
(Yet he sits in the room hacking away all night)
No idea why he won't try the asthma meds. He just always seems to think it is one specific thing that is bothering him. But, when that thing is gone, it is inevitably something else.
I have just withdrawn from him so much that we are so distant. I know he notices this but he has not tried to "get me back".
Time apart would be great, but very difficult.
He moved in with me ten years ago and we have so much stuff.
Where would he go?
It would be a little tough on me financially also, even though I provide most of our support. (I make much more than him and it's my house. I think that has added to my resentment also, to be honest.)
dryer sheets - yes!! My hubby has no tolerance for any washing detergent with smell. I myself have no tolerance for dryer sheets (not because of allergies but becaue it's pointless to be adding this unnaturally sweet toxic smell).
christmas tree - yes, hubby is allergic to fir but we still go with fir because spruce is shedding.
perfume - yes!! I dropped any perfume after he chocked while driving on my crazily expensive Hermes perfume.
body lotion - not that yet, but we choose something generic that doesn't smell much.
candles - a person who likes dryer sheets must like some kind of incenses or strong voitive candles and it's death to the allergic people.
microwave popcorn - nope! He likes his popcorn.
air fresheners - I can't stand it myself. Toxines like air fresheners, chemical cleaners, dryer sheets - are you set on your path to an auto-immune disease????
garlic toast in the oven - yes!!! Can't cook anything with garlic, he will spend a terrible night.
Last week he set up a lawnchair in my kitchen because he said something in the living room was bothering him.
- well, my hubby is not as bold, but his suffering doesn't make me feel good, neither.
You must be one of those women whose clothes and sheets have that strong sweety odor from a strong detergent and dryer sheets (I find it repulsive actually) and who walks in a cloud of perfume (if it's a cheap perfume it's repulsive, too).
I think you need to wake up and stop moving towards your own disease and be more sensitive towards your SO.
No, I'm not walking around in a cloud of perfume. lol.
I'm talking NORMAL life here. No excessive smells.
Sounds like you and my SO would get along quite well.
There is more to it than meets the eye, go a couple of weeks completely odour free, bath soap, washing powder, perfume etc but don't tell him. If he continues over those weeks it is nothing to do with allergies more to do with his conciences. We tend to focus on some thing when there is something preying on our minds.
A good talk may get it out, it may take hard questions to get to the bottom of it. Don't let your mind go into overdrive it may just be a work related issue or past experiences as a child e.g grew up in a similar environment.
No, I'm not walking around in a cloud of perfume. lol.
I'm talking NORMAL life here. No excessive smells.
Sounds like you and my SO would get along quite well.
Perfume, candles, dryer sheets, air fresheners, smoking (for 9 years), - that's not normal. Yes, I think you should leave him and let him breathe fresh air.
There is more to it than meets the eye, go a couple of weeks completely odour free, bath soap, washing powder, perfume etc but don't tell him. If he continues over those weeks it is nothing to do with allergies more to do with his conciences. We tend to focus on some thing when there is something preying on our minds.
A good talk may get it out, it may take hard questions to get to the bottom of it. Don't let your mind go into overdrive it may just be a work related issue or past experiences as a child e.g grew up in a similar environment.
Hope it helps
I already go without all of those things around him.
Although we haven't been close enough that he would notice anyway.
I'm in a different room and we have been avoiding each other all week.
I'm just really tired of all the issues. I don't know anyone else who is so sensitive. Did I mention all the foods he can't eat because they cause so much heartburn etc????
It's funny, he works out and is so muscular and yet I could put him down with a clove of garlic or a candle...lol.
As each day goes by and he doesn't try to talk to me I am really starting to dislike him more and more.
Perfume, candles, dryer sheets, air fresheners, smoking (for 9 years), - that's not normal. Yes, I think you should leave him and let him breathe fresh air.
Not normal?
LOL
Last edited by Administrator; 02-21-2009 at 02:10 PM.
Reason: don't label others
We each have a bottom line about what we are and are not willing to live with. Yours has been reached. I make no judgements about the right and wrong of it all; you have simply reached the end of your tolerance. Let him go, neither of you needs the aggro. Cheers, Sera.
You could keep on making concessions for him but he is unwilling to seek help or take the help given then your battle is lost. Especially if he will not talk to you and just keeps on adding to the list. You're putting you life on hold in the hope he will change.
Ask yourself this question does he have this problem when he goes to the gym, or goes out drinking with his mates or at his place of work. The list of problems you have discribe makes me believe he needs to be in a oxygen tent. I think he has given up on the relationship but can't bring himself to say it.
I have to wonder if he has this problem when hes anywhere else also. I know when my brother comes to my home he is miserable because of my cat.
I also know people that are intolerant to perfume smells. I know that certain chemical cleaning smells will drive me out of any home. Any candle that is strong and I can't stay in the same room with it. Certain perfumes (Enternity!) will make me feel like I'm going to die yet I can wear many perfumes too. Some of us are more sensitive then others. Having said that....
Why doesn't he get allergy shots? Asthma meds.... many of them don't make people tierd at all. And.. there are plenty of allergy meds out there that don't make people tierd. Is he one of these guys that's pumping iron and into his health to the point that he feels he can't take any medicine because he feels his body is his "temple"?
LOL...I use scented body washes and lotions, and nice smelling shampoos because I like the way they smell, not because I'm trying to cover a nasty odor. People have different preferences, doesn't mean they don't respect their bodies or are drenching themselves in toxicity.
I too have so many allergies and sensitivities that the list of what I CAN have is much shorter than what I can't. However, I do not force anyone to accomodate me. My SO smokes and we just make sure he doesn't blow smoke into my face and he goes outside. I use my own laundry detergent and soap, and I make sure to cook using things we both can eat. It's not really a major issue because we've found ways to compromise.
He is willing to compromise and so am I...if neither of you is willing to budge, living together doesn't seem like a good choice. Your own separate homes would likely be best.
I hope everyone here is aware that this "Relationship Health" forum sits among many disease-related forums. If only those who suffer from cancers, auto-immune and environmental diseases could turn the clock back and change something in their lives.
For females here who are over 30, it's time to get to know how foreign hormones that we drench our life with, influence our own hormone system (as well as their husbands, kids, and pets).
"What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause: Balance Your Hormones and Your Life From Thirty to Fifty", a good book. It's never late to start improving your life.
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to live without all those things that smell that he's allergic to. I wouldn't assume he's faking it...probably as he gets older, they are getting worse. My EX MIL couldn't even go anywhere that they popped popcorn because of her allergies. Since you aren't even married after 10 years, I'd ask myself WHY? Maybe it's just time to move on and this is just the icing...
I realize they make allergy meds but I know myself that I would NOT want to live off them. I just think about my marriage and I just think if my husband couldn't handle these things, I wouldn't really care too much and I'd live without these scented things. I'd draw the line at deodorant though...I have to use that but they do make it unscented. I'm sure that if I was allergic, my husband would have no issue not using scented things that I'm allergic to. I think if you REALLY love someone, that wouldn't be a big deal. They make unscented dryer sheets for sensitive people. There are so many people that are sensitive that they make many things unscented now.
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My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.
Klava, No offense, but wearing perfume, lighting candles and using dryer sheets is NOT abnormal in any way.
It is not - until you compromise your health (or already compromising health of those living beside you), and then it's too late.
When a partner is allergic, I think the right thing to do would be to cease using the allergens. If you keep using them, you are showing that you don't care. Then coming here asking if the right thing to do is to leave, I would think so. That's been in the making.
Last edited by Administrator; 02-21-2009 at 02:41 PM.
Thank you for all of the responses, they are certainly thought provoking.
To the poster who wondered why I wasn't married after 10 years.....yikes. That did make me think. My answer was always that I'm not ready to get married. I guess I do wonder why.
I think the problem (believe it or not) is that he really is a great guy. Like how could I not realize how lucky I am???? So, I suppose that is the real issue. And, I don't know what the answer is.
To klava, if you have a legitimate issue with all of the additives in our society,
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To the poster who would do without and change her routine if her husband required, I wonder if I would also if the relationship were the "right" one???
And, to flip that around, would you not think he should at least try to manage this issue knowing how much it bothers me?
Last edited by Administrator; 02-21-2009 at 02:43 PM.
Reason: report a post or ignore it: do not chastise members.
