About a month ago, my fiance's cousin who happens to be his best friend, came on to me after a night of drinking. My fiance had passed out and we were still up talking. Then his cousin tryed to kiss me. I told him he was drunk and needed to go to bed. He asked "so is that a no" I said it is and he said "can I atleast have a taste" I told him good night, he said "your a better person than me" I told him that he was just drunk he would be thankful in the morning that nothing happened.
About a month of not saying anything, doing my best to avoid his cousin, and asking friends thier opinions, I finally told my fiance what happened.
Of course the cousin denied it. He came to my house screamin and yelling and calling me every horrible name in the book and kicked in my screen door. He even threatened my fiance that if he didn't believe him over me that he was going to kick his ***.
My fiance said he believed me. First he told me that he was glad that I told him, then he said that I shouldn't have told him since nothing came of it, then he went back to saying he was glad.
Over a month has past. My fiance has barely talked to his cousin. Tonight his name came up and my fiance screamed and yelled at me and told me that I was a piece of **** for telling him, since nothing happened and that if the tables were turned he would've never told me.
He said he believes me about what happened, but thinks I was trying to ruin thier friendship by telling him.
Through it all, his whole family has believed his cousin, and I have been labeled a horrible lying *****.
Well it's now March and the situation continues to be a problem in our relationship.
He hasn't hung out with the cousin (that I know of) since the incident, they still talk on the phone occasionally.
My fiance says he is over it, but what he really means, is that he is over the cousin coming on to me. He still isn't over me telling him about it, cause everytime he gets mad about something he throws it up in my face and blames me for the reason that they are no longer close.
I never told him that he had to stop talking to his cousin or hanging out with him, I just don't want him hanging out with him here.
Anyway, I am going away for a week to help my mom pack and I discovered that he was planning on having his cousin over when I was gone. I told him that I thought that was very disrespectful. It doesn't bother me if he wants to spend time with his cousin, but I don't want his cousin at my house. His cousin is the one that came here (where my children also live) and carried on calling me all kinds of filthy names and kicked in my door. Since this whole incident all the blame from his family has been put on me, I am not welcomed in fiance's Aunts house (that's where cousin lives) and it has caused multiple fights with fiance.
Well, fiance automatically blew up when I told him this, wasn't the least bit interested in hearing my side of it, just called me names, told me I needed to drop it or not come back from my moms house and took off.
Am I really that wrong for not wanting his cousin at my house? Am I wrong for thinking that's just disrespectful? I realize that it's fiance's house too, but I would never invite anyone over that treated him that way, whether he was here or not.
He's still not over *his* cousin coming onto you, you rejecting his cousin?
And yes he is emotionally abusive...I wouldn't be surprised if this turns into physical abuse. This person (I won't say man, a real gentleman does not behave that way) is a bully...How can you still put up with this?
Last edited by brokenhearted83; 03-05-2009 at 12:26 PM.
Reason: Got mixed up, not her cousin, but his cousin
I have to agree with Rose and everyone else here. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, but you are wrong for still being with this incredibly immature misogynist who doesn't really love you and who will always put everyone else above you as long as you are with him. You can't chage who people are or how they think or how they feel about you. You will be miserable as long as you keep yourself in this situation. You need to dump this loser and find some good people who treat you with dignity and respect.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 03-03-2009 at 04:18 PM.
Are you seriously considering marrying a man who is acting this way towards you? He is going to continue to hold this over your head every single time you have an argument. Is that the kind of marriage you want? Do you want to be a part of a family who thinks all of these horrible things about you because your fiance won't stand up for you?
If I were you I would do EXACTLY as your fiance suggested. Go to your mother's house and don't come back. When he calls wondering where you are tell him that YOU are done with HIM. Tell him that you deserve better than what he has given you. You know you deserve better, right?
His cousin came onto you and your fiance should be directing his anger towards him. HE was wrong. On some level he does not believe you or he wouldn't be in the situation he is in now. Does that make sense?
Last edited by happymom28; 03-03-2009 at 04:35 PM.
I was going to say what HappyMom said....deep down he really doesn't believe you. He thinks you lied on his cousin along with his whole family. I think this bridge has grown too big to cross......leave him and his crazy family behind.
He swears that he believes me, because I avoided his cousin after that, his cousin didn't call for 2 days afterwards (when he normally calls several times daily), and because his cousin is always bragging about sleeping with his other friends gfs. But who really knows, he's good at saying one thing to me and something else to everyone else.
He says his issue is my intentions. He thinks the only reason I told him what his cousin did is so they wouldn't hang out anymore. So the problem for him, isn't that his cousin tryed to have sex with me, it's that I opened my mouth about it.
Anyway, thanks for all the replies. Sometimes I start to question myself and it helps to get unbiased opinions.
I know things aren't going to get better, they only seem to get worse. I no longer have intentions of getting married. Our first wedding date was cancelled years ago and another has never been set. I'm trying to work on a way out, but right now I have no money, no car and two kids, so I feel stuck and overwhelmed and disgusted with myself for getting myself in this situation to begin with.
Does he call you filthy names in front of your kids? Because, although it's bad enough that he feels enough contempt toward you that he degrades you that way, it would be even worse if your kids were to hear it, and to see you allow him to treat you that way.
You can get out. Many of us who left bad marriages did so with no money and with children. I made a grand total of $14,000 the first year after my divorce, and I had custody of my 10 year old son. We made it because I wanted us to make it. You can too, if you really want to.
He didn't come home till after 11 last night. I was watching tv in the living room, the only thing he said to me is "are you going to be up for awhile?" I said "probably", so he went into son's room (son was gone for the night) to watch tv and sleep. He got up this morning I said "good morning" he grumbled a "hey" took a shower and left.
So, it looks like we aren't talking, just because I don't want his cousin to come to my house. I can understand him being this mad if I told him I never wanted him to have any kind of contact with his cousin again, but all I asked is to not have him over here. If the tables were turned and I went to his cousins house acting like that, would I be invited there? Would he being telling them to just get over it? Heck, I'm not even welcomed at their house now.
I already know how this is going to play out, he'll go this whole week with out talking to me and then make sure he has his cousin over when I'm gone, just because I made him mad by saying that I don't want him here. I guess it's my punishment, or his way of making a point. Idk.
I guess I should've just kept my mouth shut, again. It never really seems to be worth it.
Another day in paradise, huh? So what are you going to do about it? Stay silent and stifle your right to be treated decently just to stay with him and keep a roof over your head? Let your kids see you be treated like that and teach them that it's acceptable to call women filthy names? Or ditch this loser, regain your self respect and get your life back?
I know what I'd choose, and I'm no wonder woman. I just couldn't tolerate that treatment from anyone.
I'm appalled at the way this guy is treating you! I know it may feel like you've no way out at the moment, but believe me when I say that a bad realtionship is NOT better than not having a relationship at all. You have to find the strength to get out of this, if not for yourself then for the damage it is doing to your kids? Do you want them to think this is how adult relationships are, and that this is how a man can treat a woman? It will have a major impact on how they conduct their own adult relationships in the future!
There is nothing shameful about being poor! You will work your way out of that over time and both yourself and your kids emotional wellbeing depends on you finding the strength to move on. I know that's easy coming from someone who isn't in that situation, and I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or bad (as I'm sure no-one can make you feel as bad as you do yourself), but this guy is a first class b*****d who is putting his own needs above you and your children and that's unlikely to ever change! I cannot believe the depths of disrespect and contempt he is showing you....that IS NOT love!! You deserve so much better, as do your kids.
Lots of love and hugs
Last edited by disabilitdating; 03-04-2009 at 10:55 AM.
I believe in complete honesty with my spouse, so if it were me I would have told him. The cousin may scream and deny it now but if he got drunk he might come on to you again. Sometimes significant others can't get between best friends / relatives. It appears this is such a case. Regardless, if he really loved you he would support you (or at least act like it). Even if you said you saw a purple gorilla fly over the moon! Not to be crude, but it appears he likes his cousin more than he likes you. Kick the bum out and find the right man.