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Old 03-03-2009, 08:22 PM   #1
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Thumbs down Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and we live together. We have a great relationship, but something recently came up that started me thinking. We are a young couple 26 and 28, so our social life should be a big part of our lives.

Anyway, he NEVER likes to do anything with other people, and I mean NEVER. It could be something from going to a movie or dinner with another couple, going bowling, going out with some friends, having friends over, etc. He just absolutely does not like to do anything with anyone else. He always says he likes his life and he wants to be alone and do his own thing. Now, he's not shy, he actually works with people. So it's not like he doesn't like people or isn't a people person. He just doesn't have any desire whatsoever to have friends.

He moved to the city we currently live in shortly before we met. In his old city, he had a lot of friends, and he's still friends with them, though rarely sees them because of a 5 hour distance. So, it's not like he doesn't know how to have friends.

So, here's my issue. I'm a pretty homebody as well. I enjoy spending time with him and my family, and I really don't have a strong desire to have a big group of friends or go out often. But, I do like to go out with friends sometimes and have fun with a friend or two, or even a big group.

I lived in FL for several years, and a friend of mine who is from Australia (who was living in FL at the time), told me she and another friend are going to be making a trip to FL in May and told me I should meet them out there. I still have friends in FL as well, so I was very excited about the thought. I mentioned it to my bf and he gave me the typical answer of "yeah, we'll see". I know he was NOT thrilled about the idea of going out there with my friends. So, I kinda of scrapped that idea for now (for money reason more than anything).

So, then we were talking about going to Vegas. I've never been and my bf and I have talked about going for over a year. A friend of mine recently mentioned that we should all go together, so basically, it would be my boyfriend and I and 2 other couples. I thought that sounded like a blast and we'd have so much fun. I mentioned that to my boyfriend, and he told me he wanted just us two to go (no friends). Ugh, fine, whatever. Then I reminded him that I have a friend in Vegas who I haven't seen in years, and how we'd definitely have to set aside a night to go out/see her. His response was something like "I think it should just be us and we should forget about any friends". I got mad that he said that and told him no way was I going out there without seeing my friend! That's just not right!

So anyway, I'm very frustrated! I just don't get it! I've never met anyone that is SO anti-social before. So I guess my question is this; is there anything I can do about this situation? I don't want the obvious answers like "you just have to deal with it or find someone else" or "go by yourself or with your friends". I know those answers already. I want to go to Vegas with my bf (we were talking about going for my b-day), but I would have loved to go with a group of friends. It's just frustrating that he never wants to do anything with anyone else (and for the record, no, he's not controlling or trying to isolate me, I do my own thing whenever I want, he just chooses not to join me).

Sorry for the long rant, but I just had to get it out!

 
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Old 03-03-2009, 09:09 PM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83 View Post
I don't want the obvious answers like "you just have to deal with it or find someone else" or "go by yourself or with your friends". I know those answers already. I want to go to Vegas with my bf (we were talking about going for my b-day), but I would have loved to go with a group of friends.
Welllllll, the thing is, you're likely not going to be able to change his mind. So your options are thus:
1) Go to Vegas with your BF only and don't have anything to do with anyone
2) Go to Vegas with your friends only and leave the BF at home
3) Go with your bf alone sometime and go with your friends another time and leave him at home

I really don't see any other options here because it looks like he just won't budge. So your options are totally limited here.

 
Old 03-03-2009, 09:39 PM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

Yup, Tivo, you are absolutely right. It's just one of those things that the only option is "deal with it" lol. I realized that when I wrote it, but I guess I just needed to vent. I know there is no miracle answer, and it will be a compromise either way... either I go with friends and not my bf... or I go with my boyfriend and not friends...

 
Old 03-03-2009, 09:41 PM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

What concerns me is that he chooses not to join you, in events that are obviously important to you. As you mentioned, it is not like you want him to drag you around town every weekend-these are special opportunities for you to maintain old friendships, visit friends, etc.

It not as if you wouldn't love for him to join you, and enjoy yourselves together. And as you mentioned, he is not phobic, or socially paralyzed. It sounds as if he chooses not to make any effort, to make you happy. It also seems to create a power-trip for him, as you are left to beg and cajole him to go, even though you know the answer will be no. Even if he were to agree to go somewhere with you and your friends, you know it would be uncomfortable and stressful dragging him along against his will.

We all wear out eventually, and end up in the rocking chair...just don't miss anything until that day comes. Remember he is getting just what he wants..nothing! You are missing out on what you want-something!

Life is too short to waste, trying to convince another to live it. Once you get yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people who are choosing to live it too... and they are fun!

 
Old 03-03-2009, 10:03 PM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

The last thing you must do is to give up your friends and seeing them. Go by yourself, leave the BF at home. If you are having enough fun and he is missing you, then he may decide to come out of his shell. You are still a relatively new couple in terms of a life together, so you have plenty of time to winkle him out. There are many couples like this, and it is more often the man who likes to stick at home. Don't let him stop you from having your mates over to your house either. He can stay in his room and look really antisocial, go out, or join you. Be assertive here, it is your home too and you have a right to have guests. It is not like you are asking for a social whirlwind here, so just have fun with your friends when you wish to. Sera.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 08:29 AM   #6
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
What concerns me is that he chooses not to join you, in events that are obviously important to you. As you mentioned, it is not like you want him to drag you around town every weekend-these are special opportunities for you to maintain old friendships, visit friends, etc.

It not as if you wouldn't love for him to join you, and enjoy yourselves together. And as you mentioned, he is not phobic, or socially paralyzed. It sounds as if he chooses not to make any effort, to make you happy. It also seems to create a power-trip for him, as you are left to beg and cajole him to go, even though you know the answer will be no. Even if he were to agree to go somewhere with you and your friends, you know it would be uncomfortable and stressful dragging him along against his will.

We all wear out eventually, and end up in the rocking chair...just don't miss anything until that day comes. Remember he is getting just what he wants..nothing! You are missing out on what you want-something!

Life is too short to waste, trying to convince another to live it. Once you get yourself out there, you will find all kinds of people who are choosing to live it too... and they are fun!
You are correct in some of your observations. If something is really important to me, he does join me. He goes with me to my mom's house (we're really close) when we do things like have BBQ's or Holidays and stuff like that. I know he gets bored because my mom and I talk a lot, but he sucks it up and comes and participates (I know family time is not fun for a lot of men, not just my boyfriend, lol). And he's a great sport about that, he doesn't complain or anything. But, when it comes to friends, it's a different story. The thing is, if it was something important to me, he would come. But if I'm just going out with a few friends and I don't care if he comes, I'll quickly invite him to be polite, but I know he won't want to come. So I do live my life just the way I want it. The only thing that bothers me is that I wish he would join me sometimes, but that may never change.

Last week I made plans to go out with an old friend of mine. We thought we had a big group of people together, but by the time I got there to meet her, it was just her and her boyfriend. I called my boyfriend and pleaded with him to come out as it was uncomfortable and I was the third wheel. I explained it was just my friend and her boyfriend and we were gonna have a really laid back night (we were out at a bar/restaurant). He agreed to come, but showed up mad. I asked if he was okay and he told me he was mad I made him come because I knew he didn't want to. I apologized and told him that if he really didn't want to come, he could have told me no. He was mostly upset because we were at a bar, and that's REALLY not his thing, which I know and completely understand that part.

So, it's kind of a double edged sword. I want him to be more social, but at the same time, I don't want him to give in to me just to make me happy and him be miserable. I wish there was some sort of compromise, but it seems for some situations, there just isn't. Its either I give up having him there, or he comes when he doesn't want to and isn't happy.

I know this is already long, but I want to add one more thing. Another reason this whole thing bothers me is because he seems like a completely different person to me than he was in his old city. As I said in my first post, he used to have a lot of friends out there. Granted, he was in college, but still. He used to go out, go to parties, hang out with friends, etc. He was a "normal" guy. Even when he goes out to visit them he goes out with them bowling, restaurants, bars, etc. But he won't do it with me. He says he does it because they are his old friends and he doesn't see them often and wants to have a good time, which I understand. But it hurts my feelings that he's NEVER been like that with me. We've been together 2 years and I've not once seen him drunk, or even close. He says he's "grown up" now and out of that lifestyle. He also said that lifestyle was never "him", but that's what his friends did, so that's what he did. I completely appreciate that he's a mature adult; I want a relationship with an adult, not a college party guy. But I guess it just offends me that he will do and did do stuff with his friends before he moved here, and now that he moved here he's like a completely different person. I'm by NO means a party animal, but I am young and still like to have fun once in a while.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 08:38 AM   #7
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

well you're not gonna like this observation, but maybe he's just not the guy for you?

 
Old 03-04-2009, 12:12 PM   #8
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

Yes, he done all those things when he was in the other town, but you didn't know him then right? Maybe when he moved he was determined to do things the way HE wanted them done and that meant staying home more.

Like Rose, I think if this is all that important to you....maybe you need to look for another guy. There are lots of girls who are ready to settle down and just be homebodies and maybe one of those women would fit your BF better.

I can see both sides of this....as in when I was your age I loved to go out....but now I had MUCH rather stay home. Maybe your BF reached that level of just needing his space at an earlier age than you did. I don't think he is going to change, as a matter of fact I think the longer you two are together the less he will venture out just for your sake.

So, if you knew he would never change......would you stay with him or move on? You can make that choice now, because he won't change. Will you? Do you care about him enough to give up going out or get use to going out alone? Look at this way, at least he isn't one of those men who don't want to go out and then get mad if you DO want too.
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

The thing is... I am COMPLETELY a homebody too. I go out maybe once every 6 months. And I don't expect my boyfriend to go out with me the few times I have gone out with my girlfriends. But, I just wish he would want to do anything with other people. Not "partying", but going bowling, going to dinner or movies with friends, going to a play, anything. I don't like to party either, and I completely appreciate and love that my boyfriend doesn't.

And to answer your question Mileena, I know my boyfriend won't change. And yes, I would and will stay with him regardless. This isn't an issue we have on a regular basis, I usually don't mind if he just wants to stay home. The big issue that brought this up was the vegas trip and him not wanting to see my friend who lives there for even one night. I guess I was just kind of offended by that. I haven't seen her in YEARS and he sounded mad when I told him we have to see my friend when we go out there. I guess I just didn't see it from perspective at that time and it offended and surprised me to hear his answer to that. But, whatever. If we go to Vegas and he doesn't want to see my friend, I'll go alone. If he decides to come, great. If not, oh well.

I guess I made this a much bigger deal than it needs to be. But it was one of those spur of the moment rants right after he made the comment about my friend in Vegas.

Last edited by Mary83; 03-04-2009 at 12:18 PM.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 12:26 PM   #10
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

I had an ex like this Mary. We were together on and off for 4 years. When we first got together we use to always go out and do things. Then, slowly, we became more homebody-ish. Then I turned 21 (he was 22) and I wanted to go out and do things. He felt that he did all he wanted (at 22) and didn't want a part of it. I would invited him and he would refuse. Then I started going without him. He got mad that I went without him but still refused the invitation. Eventually it got old. I wanted to be with someone who wanted to do the same things as me or at least try to. The lack of effort was so frustrating.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 01:20 PM   #11
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

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I had an ex like this Mary. We were together on and off for 4 years. When we first got together we use to always go out and do things. Then, slowly, we became more homebody-ish. Then I turned 21 (he was 22) and I wanted to go out and do things. He felt that he did all he wanted (at 22) and didn't want a part of it. I would invited him and he would refuse. Then I started going without him. He got mad that I went without him but still refused the invitation. Eventually it got old. I wanted to be with someone who wanted to do the same things as me or at least try to. The lack of effort was so frustrating.
Yeah, it is frustrating. At least in my situation, my boyfriend doesn't care if I go without him. If he told me he didn't want to go and I couldn't either, that would be a completely different problem! But, I love him and want to spend time with him and wish he would be more social.

One more thing I forgot to mention, my boyfriend does go and do stuff with me, like go shopping, movies, dinner, etc. So, we do go out as a couple, he just doesn't like to go out with friends.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 02:02 PM   #12
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

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Originally Posted by Mary83 View Post
Yeah, it is frustrating. At least in my situation, my boyfriend doesn't care if I go without him. If he told me he didn't want to go and I couldn't either, that would be a completely different problem! But, I love him and want to spend time with him and wish he would be more social.

One more thing I forgot to mention, my boyfriend does go and do stuff with me, like go shopping, movies, dinner, etc. So, we do go out as a couple, he just doesn't like to go out with friends.
He never told me I couldn't. He would lay a guilt trip on me like why I needed to do this or that when I could spend time with him. It was all a manipulation thing. Come to think of it, I don't recall him ever telling me I couldn't do anything. He was very laid back, too laid back if you ask me. Bu the whining and guilt trip was ridiculous.

That's great that you can do things as a couple. At least there is something there. Is there anyone at all he can stand to be around besides you? Maybe build on that? I don't know. I think I would just be at my boiling point.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 02:14 PM   #13
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

My ex husband was like that. He didn't like anyone but me and our son, and didn't understand why I'd want to spend time with anyone else. He claimed that when I married him, I agreed to make my family my entire life and that I agreed to only spend time with him and any children we had. Where was that in the fine print? He didn't even like his own parents and siblings!

I am very social and always had a big group of friends. I'd go out without him with my girlfriends and he had passive-aggressive ways of trying to stop me. He too started out by going out with friends but gradually refused to go anymore. I didn't want to "party" either, it would have just been nice to enjoy the company of other couples sometimes, but no go.

He didn't change, and likely your guy won't either. So you will probably have to be satisfied with either going out with just him or alone with your friends.

 
Old 03-04-2009, 02:46 PM   #14
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

Mary,

You mentioned that perhaps you had made a much bigger deal out of this than it really is...I disagree. So often these types of things really are a big deal, and have the ability to undermine relationships over time.

My husband and I have different interests, but I am happy to stand at his side for his special occasions, and he for mine. We can have fun at the driest of company dinners, the awkwardest holiday gatherings, the weirdest of social gatherings, and crack up about them all the way home! Both of us have quirky friends, but we embrace them all equally, and tolerate them with humor. We have fun together, no matter what the event, and stand together as a couple.

I have had things the other way, like what you are going through...and as it can be as comfy as and old slipper, it doesn't bring out the best in you. I wish the best for you...

 
Old 03-04-2009, 08:51 PM   #15
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Re: Boyfriend is kind of "anti-social"

Maybe he just doesn't like any of your friends? Does he have any of his own friends? Does he ever hang out with any of his own friends?

He's just a weird guy and I don't know what his problem is, but you have to admit, it's not normal for someone to get THIS bent out of shape about hanging out with an SO's friends. You're not asking him to go ALL the time, it's not like it's every day. You're not asking for the moon, here. He should be WAY more forthcoming and compromise sometimes. The fact that he doesn't even care how much it upsets you is a huge, huge problem. And it's something that you're going to have to think about, whether you want to live this way with a weird guy who doesn't want to have anything to do with your friends. I don't know what to tell you, but it doesn't sound like he's ever going to budge on this thing.

Last edited by Tivo123; 03-04-2009 at 08:51 PM.

 
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