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Old 03-08-2009, 09:04 PM   #1
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Exclamation please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

ive been with my boyfriend now for a year and a couple of months, 6 months into our relationship i made a huge sacrifice and agree'd to move to holland with him as he was offered a new management job. Of course after a few weeks i decided i would be happier with him than i was by myself, so after 2 months of him being there to set up a flat etc. i moved over, everything was brilliant i'd never lived with a guy before let alone hold down a relationship for longer than 4 months, but i knew this was different and a serious reelationship was what i was looking for ( after my bad history of mis jugung boyfriends and ending up in tears)

a few months into living with him (Nov 2008) and it was announced that his mum had breast cancer and giving that he'd lived with her (his dad works and lives away from home) all his life, they were very dependant on each other, from here things went down hill, he started to get annoyed very easily and i could see him shaking trying to hold back shouting sometimes for now reason, and yes i understood this, its a hard time and he needs me, so i turned a blind eye when he started getting annoyed and took things out on me for no reason.

But now its been 5 months and sadly its only got worse, hes started drinking every day and thinks its no big deal to have a 'few' of beers a day and giving that we work in a pub, when i ask him not to drink all the alcholics will give me ***** looks and stick up for him, also he takes everything out on me, he can act all happy but when he gets home what evers annoyed him during the night he'll get worked up about and shout around the house, once it got so bad thast he was punching walls etc and we even had the police round. Now dont get me wrong i love him so much and it would break my heart to leave him, but how long do you allow someone to blame you, shout at you, make you cry, sometimes scaare you, then apologise and not remember the next day because he was drunk! it hurts me alot and in the last week there he was getting annoyed because i booked to come home by myself to see family and he started getting jealous and not letting me see my only friend left ( as i got rid of the rest of my friends because he told me thy were bad for me, which they probaly were but they were people i could trust and talk to and now i only have him) and not wanting to hear me mention it and then 2 days before i left when i thought everything was looking ok, he got really drunk again in our work and i didnt want to serve him shots as it was a wednesday at 6pm he started again and olong story cut short, i told him i want happy with the way he treated me in front of people and that yes it was the drink that aided him to start taking one of his 'turns' and that he had to change and he said it ws because of his mum etc.. but thats what i always hear, is this an excuse? or should i be more understanding? i also told him i didnt want to stay in holland all my life and i wanted to go home at one point and get a good paid job and stuff with him and he told me he wouldnt come with me. I know he loves me but im just getting my self stressed and depressed to keep him happy and i love him soo much...

Help me please any answers in the next 5 days before i go back would be brilliant! thanks

 
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:32 PM   #2
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

You say that you know he loves you. It doesn't sound as if he behaves as if he loves you. What makes you think that he does? He sounds abusive. He is under a lot of stress due to his mother's cancer, but that is no excuse to abuse you. So, when things go bad in his life, it is ok for him to take it out on you?
You need to reevaluate this relationship. Is this the way you want to be treated? Go back to your family for a while and get some distance from this situation so that you can more clearly se what is going on. Also, the fact that he drinks doesn't sound good. It is easy to blame bad behavior on alcohol and not take responsibility for being abusive. Your boyfriend may be in a lot of pain right now because of his mother's illness, but that does not give him the right to abuse you.

Last edited by negot; 03-08-2009 at 10:33 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 03-09-2009, 02:19 AM   #3
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by lost4949 View Post
...

Help me please any answers in the next 5 days before i go back would be brilliant! thanks
He may love you, but it seems his love for you is totally out of focus now. His stress would be easier to understand if he were directly involved with looking after his sick mother. But I don't think his mother is living in Holland, too, is she? Anyway, he might be feeling somewhat guilty and responsible for her, especially because his father (her husband) is not there. Alcohol is often linked to guilt. Possibly, he is also angry at his father for not caring enough for her. I would say that he is allowing the problems in his relationship with his parents to interfere in his life with you. He probably does this unconsciously. His mother is his mother, you are his partner. He shouldn't mix these two persons. He can't take the role of her husband. And add to this the stress of living in a foreign country. I don't know where you both come from (the USA?), but certainly the differences in lifestyle are considerable, and unless he has roots in Holland, he doesn't even speak the language properly yet.

It's hard to give you advice on what to do now, but to me it seems that your present movement - coming back home - is the right thing to do. Away from him, you'll be able to re-evaluate the relationship. That he declared that he wouldn't come back with you is also an important piece of information for you to consider, although he may have said it without a reflection or in a tantrum. I think a woman should in most cases follow her man (some people may criticize me for this). If you feel that you don't want to stay where he is, that you can't sacrifice being "home", perhaps this is telling that you don't feel his woman any more or that he is not treating you as such.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 05:17 AM   #4
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

I think a separation is in order in this case. Time for you to go back to your family and spend some time deciding your next steps. If it doesn't involve him, so be it. It doesn't sound like he cares much about the relationship at this point. Bottom line is that a man who is in love with a woman doesn't drink heavily and abuse her the way he has been doing. That's totally not love, I don't know what that is.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 08:54 AM   #5
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

I believe your boyfriend does love you. But the question is, what is his definition of love and what is yours? To me, love is something you not only feel in your heart, but you show by your words and actions.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you are in a verbally abusive relationship. You want to give your boyfriend excuses because he is under "stress" but he is responsible for his own words and actions. There are many, many ways to deal with stress--one of them is to drink and abuse your girlfriend--others are to talk to a counselor, go to AA, etc. He is chosing to take it out on you. Is that really something you are willing to accept in your life?

Please do not think this is only because of his mom. It may be that her situation is stressing him, but if you marry him and have a life with him, many things will come up over the lifetime that will be stress situations. That is life. And this is exactly how he will react, unless he gets help. Is that ok with you?

I'd suggest you talk to him in this regard. What he has is a huge amount of anger and pain inside him and he is drinking to make it go away and then unleashing it on you. Your life will be miserable if that continues. If he is willing to get some help and he DOES get some help, then maybe there is hope for your relationship. If not, go home and don't look back.

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Old 03-09-2009, 08:58 AM   #6
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

I had to reply to your post because I was in a similar position. I'm not sure where you're from originally, but I moved for a boyfriend from the U.S to Belgium. Shortly after I got there, he started treating me badly. He was controlling and yelled at me a lot and basically emotionally abused me. I cried all the time, I was sick all the time, and I was miserable. I felt trapped, and he knew it, so he took advantage of it. It's not like I could just run home, I was thousands of miles away from friends and family. But the last straw was when we went on vacation together. He treated me like crap for the last time, so I finally broke. We had originally agreed that we would stay in Belgium for a year and them come back to the states together. He kept putting it off and trying to avoid the topic of moving back to the states, and our year deadline was quickly approaching. I finally told him that I didn't care what he did, I was leaving without him and coming back to the states (this all happened on our vacation). About a month and a half later, I left and came home. We broke up the day I left. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was still completely in love with him and thought he was the one I was going to marry. But I realized that he didn't treat me well, and I didn't like the life I was living when I was with him. So I had to make the decision to get out and find a better life for me. Here I am, 5 years later, and completely happy and in love with a great guy. I look back at my experience with my ex and honestly think to myself "what was I thinking being with someone like him?".

So my point is, if he doesn't treat you well (which it sounds like he doesn't), leave. It will be hard, and it will hurt, but you're better off in the long run. I understand his situation with his mother, but honestly, all I hear are EXCUSES. Things don't MAKE you drink or MAKE you act a certain way. He is choosing to act that way and he is just using his mother as an excuse. Don't buy it. Get your life back and leave without him.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 09:24 AM   #7
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

thanks for everyones helpful comments so far.
His mother is currently living in scotland which is where were originally from and ive tried to tell him that maybe he should come home for a while because i know im unhappy with the way our life is going right now but he just doesnt want to leave and thinks that its not so simple as he doesnt want to deal with his mums illness first hand also we had some problems when i was getting rid of all of my friends for him, some werent too happy and now hate me so life in scotland would kind of be spent looking over my shoulder and thats not good either and also i now have no friends there.. im still really stuck on what to do, ive considered finishing it before but im scared he would do something stupid to himself or worse go mad at me, and although i hate myself for thinking it, i knoi its likely to happen, and i love him too much to see him hurt himself and i worry about how he would take it, i just wish he would come home with me and i could get him help..

i know he loves me as when hes not drunk ane were alone hes the sweetest guy ever, just like having a kid lol and he tells me he couldnt live withoyt me and he thought he knew what love was before but now hes got me he knows how love feels, he makes me feel special and ive never had that before only a bad history of cheating boyfriends, its just when were at work he'll talk down to me like im an idiot infront of everyone an that really upsets me and well then theres his 'turns'.. how can i approach him about getting help? i cant just leave him in holland as i know he'll either dosomething stupid which he has told me before and if i leave him and by chance he decides to come to scotland is that really how things should work as i wouldnt want him feeling stuck like how i feel now and what do i do if i do finish it? are there any guys out there that will treat me right? in have no girlfriends to talk to so im kinda screwed there too and my closest brother left for the navy yesterday so i cant talk to him. I just feel lost and unhappy and im not sure whats going to make me happy, any more help would be great.. and any advice on how to maybe fix eveerything would be fantastic, but i wont hold my breath =(

 
Old 03-09-2009, 10:18 AM   #8
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

Sweetie, you're suffering from something I also suffer from. It's called "Magical Thinking" WHy do I know this? because you asked for advice for how to "fix everything" and the answer is, you can't.

Let's take the focus off of HIM for awhile and back onto you. You are a thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman. Why is it that you were with a string of cheating boyfriends? Why is it that now you are with a man who belittles and yells at you? Why is it that you give up your entire support system because he wants you to? I am not trying to make you feel bad, definitely not--only to ask you to focus back on yourself. It seems to me you are not putting much value on yourself to accept such treatment.

You say your boyfriend is loving at times and says things about not knowing love before he met you. Sweetie--EVERY man who is abusive is always charming and loving at times. If they weren't they would NEVER be able to keep any woman. Remember, always, that you are dating the whole person, not just his good sides. Are the good sides good enough that you'll accept this kind of treatment your whole life?

Yes, he needs help, but most people HATE to admit that or seek help and they have to hit a VERY low point before they will seek it. He will not reach this point as long as you are there holding his hand. As for him harming himself--it is very selfish of him to hang that over your head. He is a man, not your child. You can love him, but that is not the same as being responsible for him.

Wow, he won't go home to where his mom is because he can't deal with her illness? What if the two of you got married and you got ill? This indicates to me that he would leave you. Is that what you want in a husband?

Look, I know this sounds harsh because you love him. I've been there. I guess I'd just encourage you to look at him. Truely look at him and how you feel when you are with him. Remind yourself that one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is believing their partner will change. Ask yourself if you'd be willing to stay with him even if nothing changes. If so, then stay with him. If not, break up. Kiss him, tell him you love him, and then grab the next plane home. Tell him that if you're still single when he gets help and starts to pull himself together, then maybe you can get together and you will be there to support him in his efforts to heal. But you can't do anything to make him want to begin to heal. He has to first recognize he has a problem and then take those steps himself.

In the meantime, get home, get into therapy, and learn that you are a valuable person, and learn how to be attracted to men who will treat you as you deserve.

Last edited by zhope; 03-09-2009 at 10:23 AM.

 
Old 03-09-2009, 11:49 AM   #9
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by lost4949 View Post
... i cant just leave him in holland as i know he'll either dosomething stupid which he has told me before and if i leave him and by chance he decides to come to scotland is that really how things should work as i wouldnt want him feeling stuck like how i feel now and what do i do if i do finish it? are there any guys out there that will treat me right? ...(
Don't get me wrong, but I think you're treating him like a child and what is worse, you're playing his game, accepting his emotional blackmail. If he does something stupid, you are not responsible for it. You are not his mother, and he is already an adult, right? You may even choose to stay with him, but I don't think you should do so just because you are afraid he may do something stupid. Unless he is a suicidal type. In this case, you might want to talk to a doctor, a psychologist, or someone else first. But that's about all you can do for him.

Last edited by pendulum; 03-09-2009 at 11:49 AM.

 
Old 03-11-2009, 06:18 PM   #10
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

thanks for everyones comments, at least i know now what i couldnt see, although im going to give him one last chance as i think our relationship deserves it, i shall let you know how things get on, thanks again for all the help its really good we have websites like this to help people like me =) x wish me luck

 
Old 03-11-2009, 07:42 PM   #11
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

Just to throw my two cents in -

You ask how long should you let someone take their frustrations out on you and treat you badly? I believe the answer is not one minute. You can understand that they are hurting and you can cut them a little slack but you can still say to them "I know you're hurting and I know that you're frustrated right now, but you're going ot have to find another way to deal with your frustration without taking it out on me. I won't live this way." Period.

My biggest concern is that he convinced you that all your friends are a bad influence and bad for you. That's typical behavior of an abuser, whether the abuse is physical or emotional. They separate you from your support system, and get rid of anyone who will tell you "hey, this guy isn't treating you right/don't take that from him/if you want you can stay at my place to get away from him" etc. It makes it much easier for him to victimize you. My guess is it has nothing to do with his mother. He just handles his anger and frustration in a very immature, counterproductive way, and if it weren't his mother, it would be work, his finances, his friends, his car, something. He'll always have a reason to take his anger out on you, because that's how he deals with it, whatever it is. This problem won't go away if and when things get settled one way or another with his mother. This is just who he is.

He may very well love you very much, but he's just really bad at it, and that's the same as not loving you at all, because it has the same damaging effect on you. I really don't recommend giving him another chance, but if you feel you must, then you must start right now letting him know what you will and won't tolerate. A person can only treat you badly if you let them, and for some reason, you are letting this guy hurt you and treat you badly. I htink you also have to take some time to look inside yourself and figure out what is broken in you that makes you think you need to take being treated so badly. If you think you deserve to be treated badly, there are people who will gladly agree with you. If you think you deserve to be treated like a queen, well, not everyone will agree with you, but at least people will know going in what they can and can't get away with in their treatment of you.

 
Old 03-15-2009, 08:49 AM   #12
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Re: please help me i dont know how to deal with him anymore

Hi lost... i am wishing u all the best. if u see that it's not getting better ,,maybe take a break? go back home,,regroup with friends,and let him worry a little bit with distance and time. my husband used to drink every 3 days,,now it's every two weeks one time with friends. I started to go to counsling. he is self medicating himself for being homesick for his country and his family,and he's trying to fit into this country here,instead of working harder for better friends in things and sports he used to thrive in from his homeland and be positive here and more spiritual of a person that he was.. he's being lazy and using excuses and new bad friends to misbehave occasionally.
iv'e been really thru the ringer,,as i even had a daughter with him,,and he sort of ditched me for all his fun times while i was home with the baby. if we were in his country this wont happen ever believe me but he's excersizing his rights in this country that he didnt have in his. atfirst i was really the theatrical one pleading begging and acting desperate. i have moved on to showing him,,i can do this with or without him. the fake it til u make it thing works ,,u little by little start beleiving in yourself and he in turn does also,i had 0 confidence in myself now i have about 80% of a diff outlook on things.. i started to not give him attention at all for his bad habits,,and quietly said well we are just roomates i guess. i then proceed to treat him as a roomate not a husband and this caught his attention faster then anything. does the alcohol prob go away? iv'e known some that can quit and others that have to work on it. we have went to dysfunctional to functional atlast. with no consequences.. it allowed him to ignore my feelings but now that i know how to pick my battles and fight fairly and healthy ,,seems to work in my favor more. my counsler is awsome! he reminds me of ghandi lol. yes and do give yourself a timeframe ,,some give it 6 months others a year,i mean it's all about how u feel. in time and trust me ,,my daughter is almost 3 now. she was still an infant in the preemie unit while he was mad at me and showing me he was goign to his 4th of july party! if he were to do that to me NOW i wouldnt even fight him,i'd just sort of give him the silent treatment and mention,,,mm maybe we are better romates? no hard feelings?? ya that seems to turn his head. I am hoping the same for u. i finally got up nerve to seek counsling and find my road. u wil find your tools to work with.. it's just like a puzzle afirst but eventually u get it put together.. hugs . beebee

 
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