Would you consider this cheating?? - Relationship Health Message Board

abby1998 · 03-09-2009, 01:44 PM

I have been with my bf for 3 years we have a 2 yr old son together. A few days ago I caught his on a live ****** chat sex site, and freaked out. We got into a huge fight and he told me that he only watches the girls get undressed but never does anything himself(not sure I believe that). He said it was just like porn and I told him that I consider it cheating, I found out he was on it AGAIN last night. I am so upset and have gotten so many different opinions on this. IS it cheating??

BigRed54 · 03-09-2009, 01:52 PM

If he is truly only watching, it's not cheating. Men are fascinated by porn and most of us women do not understand it. (Coming from a woman whose husband became addicted to porn; however, it still was not "cheating".)

However, when something bothers you that much he is being very insensitive by not discussing it rationally with you, and respecting your boundaries. A man who truly loves you will consider your opinions, feelings and will do whatever he can to show you respect. Obviously, he is only going to become more and more sneaky in his pursuits if you continue to blow up about it (speaking from experience) and you will get madder and madder. You will find yourself checking up on him and you both will lose in the end.

You need to find a way to understand exactly what it is that bothers you about it, and then to ask him to sit down at a time when it's not a sensitive subject, be rational adults and discuss both of your feelings on the matter. Maybe there is a compromise in there; maybe not, but fighting, sneaking around and checking up on him is not the mature way to handle it. (I'm not putting you down or saying you're wrong and he's right; I'm speaking from harsh experience in this.)

zhope · 03-09-2009, 01:52 PM

It's not the same as porn. If it's an interactive site--that means he has contact with the women--then I think it's a form of cheating. That's my opinion!

Mary83 · 03-09-2009, 01:54 PM

What WE consider cheating doesn't matter. Everyone has their own response to what cheating is. The only thing that matters is how YOU feel about it and whether or not YOU consider it cheating.

Personally, I have no problem with porn. However, I don't like live sex chat and live webcams, etc., because to me, that is borderline cheating. It's a "real" person and it's interactive. Porn to me is "fake" and there is no interaction between the man and the pornstar. So in my opinion, yes, I would be upset as well. I've expressed to my boyfriend numerous times that I would be upset if he ever used live cams. I've never caught him doing it, and I hope he doesn't. If he ever did and I caught him, I'd be pretty upset. I don't think I'd end our relationship over it, but we'd have to have a long talk and it would have to stop.

I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and once again express how you feel about it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you don't agree with it and you want him to stop. If he refuses to stop, then it's up to you to decide what to do next, but he obviously doesn't respect your feelings.

happymom28 · 03-09-2009, 02:39 PM

What matters here is YOU consider it cheating and he obviously has NO CONSIDERATION for your feelings on it.

With that being said, I am not one who minds porn. I realize in the world of women I am a minority. However, in my mind this is NOT PORN! Porn is something you watch. Chat things like that are "interactive". They "communicate" and do things with eachother. It doesn't matter if they are physically not in the same room, the dynamic is there.

He knows how you feel and totally disregarded that. I would calmly sit him down and ask him how he would feel if you did this sort of thing with another man. Heck, I would go as far to log on with him watching to watch him freak out. You know he will because guys like that are so hypocritical. If he still fights you on it (or worse, continues to do it either out in the open or behing your back) then I would end it.

You deserve a lot more respect here. Either he needs to wise up and show it or you need to find it elsewhere. It only makes his behavior worse that you are the mother of his child. Do not use that as an excuse to stay with a man treating you this way.