I think I understand what part of the issue was concerning my relationship with my ex-fiance Kevin.
He was always trying to "fix me".
I think that is also partly the reason why our RL ended as we lacked a true intimate connection. He was also wrong for me in many ways, but it took six years and a lot of soul searching to understand all of those reasons.
I also believe it is why I react towards certain things the way I do, when someone presses my hot buttons, intentional or otherwise.
I'm curious to know what views are held by other women in regards to this, men are welcome to comment as well.
Last edited by moderator2; 03-19-2009 at 05:51 PM.
Reason: please do not post the mateiral of others
I agree with it. WOmen want to bond with their men by talking about deep things and feelings, and they want the man to listen and empathize. But those last two are not things most men are good at. Honestly, I think that we are still the product of evolution as far as our differences. It might go better if couples just have sex and eat and do things together, but women get ALL their talking from their girlfriends and met get all their fixing from the garage or whatever.. It might decrease the divorce rate if men and women stopped expecting so much from each other which is beyond our evolution.
Personally, I know there ARE men out there who are very sensitive and caring and who will listen to my problems and talk to me but I just can never make myself be attracted to them!!!!!!! dAMMIT!!
Personally, I know there ARE men out there who are very sensitive and caring and who will listen to my problems and talk to me but I just can never make myself be attracted to them!!!!!!! dAMMIT!!
That's a good one, lol. I have often heard other women say the same with different words. It's the hormonal thing, maybe, lol. I think that a listening man will always make a good therapist and a good husband at an old age.
Well for me, my attraction is more geared towards someone who is empathetic but also stands firm in their beliefs if/when they believe I am being unreasonable.
I become unreasonable when insecurities are triggered and the person triggering them continues to press relentlessly.
Moderation is key.
So are other things, but I will keep those to myself.
Are you saying that he though something was wrong with you, or that he trying to fix any problems you were having? Huge difference in how I interpret the comment.
Without some examples of what you're talking about for context, it's kind of vague and I'd be tempted to say that your statement ("when men try to fix women") sounds rather simplistic and sexist. Because IMO, men don't try to fix women any more than women try to "fix" their men. How exactly did you mean it?
Well for me, my attraction is more geared towards someone who is empathetic but also stands firm in their beliefs if/when they believe I am being unreasonable.
I become unreasonable when insecurities are triggered and the person triggering them continues to press relentlessly.
Moderation is key.
So are other things, but I will keep those to myself.
in what ways was he trying to fix you? Maybe he felt it was warranted......you identify yourself as "broken2008". Do you feel that you're broken? In what way? Guys are fixers, it's their nature. But just to keep things in perspective, there are plenty of women who try to fix men too.....probably even more than men trying to fix women.
A lot of women try to fix men, it is probably even more common than vice versa. How was your bf trying to fix you? Was he complaining to you about your habits or what was he doing/saying?
I made reference to my ex fiancé because it was something I had experienced within that relationship, which ended several years ago. I didn’t provide an example initially because the thread was geared more towards the overall differences between men and women relatively speaking.
And my screen name referred to how I felt towards the end of a short relationship with someone I dated last summer, that did not work out, which left me pretty heartbroken.
Two different and separate relationships.
But getting back to the original post, I wasn’t seeking a solution per se, but rather venting. And it is a paradox, absolutely. Both do it, but I think it’s that women want to “change” men whereas men want to “fix” women.
Some disagree, but there are reasons why there are more male mechanics than there are women, and why women like to change their clothes so often, have a zillion shoes, etc.
The point isn't what he was trying to fix for the poster. The point is she wants to know if others have experienced this phenomenon. I know what you're saying, Broken. My ex-H was always trying to "fix" me. Always little comments, I never really fit the mold he wanted me in.
I agree that men want to fix us and women want to change men. That's basic human nature. Typically men's roles are to fix things and most of them don't know what to do with a woman, so they try to fix when she complains. Sometimes it's funny; sometimes it drives you nuts!
yes but you still haven't told us what he was trying to "fix" about you.......
Alright Rose, now you're pushing my buttons, lol
Specific example, my friends. He for some reason, disliked any friend that I had prior to meeting him. He projected that outwardly onto me and would make inappropriate comments.
Any friend that I met during the time I was with him, he had no problem with. He tried to "fix" it, I felt, by making me feel bad over it to a point that I thought there was something wrong with me and my goal then became trying to appease him. Which obviously there was, with me, because I allowed it.
That's just one example but I met him when I was 25, he was a few years older than me and it was during a time when I was just growing into my own skin and I was very naive with a lot of things. So there's one example.
And thank you BigRed, you explained my thoughts exactly.
well broken, sorry to push your buttons, but by doing so, you've given us a little more info that falls into place. he didn't like your friends before him, that shows that he is a controlling sort of guy. I think maybe he wasn't so much trying to fix you, but he may have been trying to CONTROL you.....that sheds some new light......what do you think?
well broken, sorry to push your buttons, but by doing so, you've given us a little more info that falls into place. he didn't like your friends before him, that shows that he is a controlling sort of guy. I think maybe he wasn't so much trying to fix you, but he may have been trying to CONTROL you.....that sheds some new light......what do you think?
You’re correct. Even though it’s been several years since that relationship ended, it is in fact a sore spot for me. I generally only feel comfortable talking about it to close friends/family and most of my introspection is done on my own in private, which is why I refrained from posting about it initially.
But it’s okay that I did and in a way, I feel a little bit better about it after having done so.
Thank for taking the time to respond, it has shed more light for me and I appreciate the comments/feedback.
There's no difference between wanting to "fix" or wanting to "change" a person the way it's being used here. Both show dissatisfaction in the way a person is. Purely semantics and both sexes can be guilty of it.
But trying to control someone is something else. If your ex was trying to control you, that's taking it a step farther and you're well off to be rid of him. Actually, anyone is well off to be rid of someone who is always trying to fix or change them (unless you agree that the change would make you a better person in everyone's opinion, not just theirs, and you want to change that aspect too, because we all want to be better people, right?).
But it sounds like whatever he was doing was not nice and made you feel like a worse person, instead of a better person - which is how partners are supposed to make you feel. People like that should be avoided. I hope in the intervening years, you've managed to see him for what he was.
I think both men and women fall into this trap. We fall for an ideal in our heads, the potential we see in this person and what they can be, rather than who they actually are. Then we waste all of this time and energy trying to "fix" them into this ideal that they will never measure up to. Think of all the time one could have spent finding the right person "as is" rather than trying to "create" one. I know I'm guilty of having done it.
broken - my point in pushing you was to get to the bottom of things. I did not believe that there was anything wrong with you. I did not believe that you needed to be fixed. I just wasn't sure how you felt about things. I sensed that he was controlling, and I sensed that he was starting to "gaslight" you. That's when someone tries to get you to doubt your own perception of reality. Your perception of reality is fine, don't let anyone make you 2nd guess yourself. I thought possibly he had convinced you that you needed to be fixed, that's why I was probing as to WHAT EXACTLY needed to be fixed. My guess was on target......and I'm glad you realize he is in fact controlling. I've been with guys like that and they do a number on your head. They make you think there's something wrong with you, when the only thing wrong with you was your choice of partner......
They can manipulate and twist reality to where you believe you have to fix something to make them happy.....the truth is even if you do fix whatever they think is wrong, they will soon find something else about you that needs fixing (controlling). Don't spend too much time dwelling on this guy or this relationship. Learn what not to tolerate next time around. That's how I make bad relationships useful.....LOL
Thanks for getting to the nitty gritty of it, Rose. I think the thread was talking about two different kinds of things. On the one hand, yes, men are by nature "fixers." You come home after a bad day at work and you just want to vent a little bit about what a jerk your boss is or how irritating a client was, and all you want is a sympathetic ear or shoulder for a minute, but because he's a man, he goes into "fix it" mode and brainstorms and telss you all his ideas and plans of how you can better deal with the boss or the client. that's one way that men try to "fix" their women.
But I think it's clear this isn't what we're talking about in this post. What's really being talked about here is controlling. Telling someone who they can and can't be friends, with, or perhaps what clothes they can and can't wear, where and when they can and can't go out, etc. Some men think they just know best, which I personally think is indicative of some kind of personality disorder. I'm no expert, but just my hunch. I knew a guy, a mutual friend of mine and my ex that I got back into contact with for a while to find some kind of "closure" I guess. I think all I really wanted was just some kind of an "I'm sorry" out of someone for all the bad stuff that happened, that they did to my friends and me, but he tried to push this dork at me that he insisted I date, tried to make me go to his church, etc. etc. etc. I think there are some men, and yes, I suppose women too, who just can't listen, or who won't. Who beleive so strongly that they know what you need even better than you do, which I think is really a form of very deep disrespect. I think you can handle a typical man who tried to "fix" your problems, but a man who tries to "control" you, run for the hills.
