So ive been married for over 5 years and have one child, we pretty much lived faraway from her and i am not used to anyone telling me what to do or how to live mylife....well now we moved to the same city (and my mother picked a house close to her) and she criticizes everything...i mean she makes me not want her to come over because from the moment she sets foot in the house and she'll say something, even on what bread i buy....she doesnt even say..oh i dont like this bread, maybe you like it...no, she says...aah this bread is bad..its sweet, what kind is it? there is a better kind (and when i answer her with, oh is it sweet? i like it very much) she says im being defensive.
she will critisize my cook- how thin my baby got (after she had a cold for a week)...what brand of water i drink, when i sleep and wake up, she makes me feel guilty about travelling and about everything......
there is one thing if someone gives you advise, and there is another when all they do is say..i dont like this...why is this dirty? i dont like ur housekeeper, she is lazy, i dont like ur cheese, why do you pay this much amount to do ur hair? mine is better and cheaper etccccccccccc...............
its driving me nutttttsss...my mother in law is the opposite, she doesnt comment about anything we do in our life...nothing..i dont think ive ever heard her criticize anything...not to say she doesnt have her faults...but it just makes my mother being around me tense...as if im a child infront of my husband....
Ohh momma dearests- I know I know. I get the- what you SHOULD have said was- or what you SHOULD have done is- always whatever I did was wrong, from a comment to shopping, to you name it. I have learned to limit what I do and say, and not go into detail , I am the type of person from growing up with her that is 'trained' to explain every little thing on why I do or say anything- step by step- I don't have one sentance to answer someone with- but a WHOLE reason why and what my reasons were beind doing things. So now that I have changed this, slightly through the months, taking away a few parts here and there out of my responses, and whatnot, it's easier. I complain less, and just tell her what I did for the day, the less you put out, the less complaining you get back, and its working. Hope that helps. It's embarassing to have her but her nose in infront of my kids or BF, It mortifies me at times.
You have to say something. She obvious feels that she can walk all over you and she is either aware of it or shes clueless... regardless. Nobody has the right to be rude like this not matter who they are.
Unless you stand up to her this will not stop. Most people who are rude like this are incredbily thin skinned and can't take any thing dished back at them.
Tell her that from now on you that you would appreciate her positive feedback but you don't appreciate negative comments all the time and it has to stop. If she says shes "just trying to help" tell her that her visiting time is for fun and happy conversation. That way she knows that her visits going forward are FUN and HAPPY. Next time she starts to lay into you for something - say "stop" - if she continues keep saying "stop" and change the subject. Don't get into it any further. The word "stop" is her "cutoff" - she should get that you arent going to tolerate this any longer. Don't argue just use that one word....
This shows you are in control and not her. It's almost like training someone in new behavior.
Its your house - not hers - being someones mother isn't a license to be rude - you have to set the ground rules.
So ive been married for over 5 years and have one child, we pretty much lived faraway from her and I'm sorry to read of your distress. To have lived faraway must have been a relief for you. If this is true; keep on reading with an open mind. Cuz you are reaching out for resolve.. Now, your back in the Lions Den. I wonder, if in the back recesses of your mind you knew what was going to occur. Hoping that she'd respect you after this 5 yr. time lapes. As a Woman, Mother, Wife, Daughter & Individual. And she "Picked" the house. MMmmm ? It seems there's some info from your sharing that's missing. That's fine, we don't always see what we are doing or not doing to let this dance continue. Just being able to VENT is a relief yet, a temp fix. The skills you need to learn will help you throughout your life. i am not used to anyone telling me what to do.What I understand from you sharing this. The action of your mother really is New ? or it's Old actions that had hopefully been shoved under carpet as the years have gone by. she criticizes everything...i mean she makes me not want her to come over Don't let her come over or in the house even if your home. Even if your outside pulling weeds or washing windows..and she see's you or she calls on the phone. Let it go to message and when your ready you can listen and evaluate how your going to approach the phone topic. Until, you can, within yourself ask her quietly, calmly & respectfully to respect your requests she will have to leave, to stop critizing or finding fault in anything pertaining to you and yours. And your miss placed guilt is put into perspective. because from the moment she sets foot in the house and she'll say something, If she is coming over unannounced or uninvited that has to stop.!!! The O'L pop over to have a cup of coffee in the 60's is over... she makes me feel guilty about travelling and about everything......
I understand how you feel ~Yet, understand ~ Nobody makes you do anything you don't want to do. Nobody can make you feel anything unless you want to..If someone knows your a pushover they keep pushing... its driving me nutttttsss..
I so relate !!!!!!!! to all you've shared I didn't have the skills or knowledge of how to implement verbally or by action
with out real anger. I wasn't being heard by her cuz she kept doing it. The Old ignoring , venting to friends ect. you've been working on only lasts so long before you blow like a volcano. Then, they stand there with a perplexing look on their face and have the gaul to ask or say : Are you on your period or about to start ? Your taking things to personally ! " Where did this come from ? How come you haven't shared or told me"?
The knots in your stomach a bit of anxiety to boot all in the name of " Mother ". My "Mother Dearest" had no respect for me and she showed it continually. I'd run around putting out her verbal fires and insults trying to ignore and "Not Take Thing Personally" if you will, to keep peace..and be loved and accepted. How can I keep peace when there is no peace or respect in her. My father was of no help either.. It was so exhausting... I'd replayed the very same record all day and everyday till I learned what dance I no longer was going to dance.
You know as well as anyone ~ She just doesn't get it... She never will. It's YOU that has to get it and only YOU. What's great is !!!! YOU don't have to put up with it....
Last edited by Drain Bamaged; 03-23-2009 at 03:19 PM.
With this being your mom it is hard to say things and still be respectful to her.
about all you can do is simply say things like mom I Love you with all my heart, but I have my own family now I'm not at home anymore and ''btw'' by the way I'm a mother too, if I choose to buy a certain bread/cheese/water or do certain things and put up with certain things (the way the maid cleans ect,,ect,,) well mom with all due respect thats my choice the way I choose to live, just like its your choice..mom please mind your own bussinesss and stop the critizisium
and start being a loving mother and grandmother and not dewell on the way you live your life.
Thats not an eazy thing to do but your going to have to put your mom in her place...and you can still do that respctfully.