i am writing b/c i just don't know what to do and i am hoping you all would be will to give me some pointers...i will try to be brief without leaving out too much detail...
i am dating a new guy and still seeing my ex. the new guy and i started sleeping together a couple of weeks ago and my ex and i are still sleeping together. but i have decided to leave my ex alone. i was basically using him for sex and i really want a healthy relationship. anyways the new guy and i were laying in bed the other night and he started talking about his ex and asked me if i wanted to see a picture of her. i said "not right now"...by him asking that made me feel really uncomfortable and made me think he still has feelings for her. so i poked a little bit and asked him if he still had feelings for her. he said "no i hate her"...there was soooo much emotion behind his words that i didn't believe him and freaked myself out...so in the middle of the night, when he was asleep, i snuck out of his house. before i left i wrote him a note basically asking him to get rid of her pictures...on my way home i realized how selfish i was being by asking him something like that so i was going to go back and take the note, but i locked the door on my way out.
anyways he saw a mutural friend of ours the next day and he asked him if he had talked to me? the mutural friend said "yes" and my new guy friend told him what happened and said "i am done"...well word got back to me and i called my new friend. i apologised about the note and told him that i have been in dishonest relationship and that i was bringing the baggage to this relationship. i told him i understand if he doesn't want to be around me anymore, but if he did than i won't do this again...he apologised for putting me an an uncomfortable position and he said he doesn't want to do anything to hurt me...but also he doesn't want drama in his life...he said if i hadn't of called we would have been done...also he would forget about the situation if i would...
so some of you might be wondering why i am freaking out. well i want the whole package here and now...in other words he told me how much he likes me, but i want to marry him and have kids by him....i know i need to calm down but i don't know how....
also i can't stop thinking about what i did. i sent him a message today asking if he wanted to have dinner and my place on sunday and i will cook for him, but he didn't respond. i really think i messed things up big time even though he told me to forget about the situation. he said "that is how much i like you...i am willing to let this go....any other time i would distance myself...."
well since this has turned into a book. i will stop. oh wait ONE MORE THING. he and i have unprotected sex. the other night(after sex) i said "i have something i need to share with you....i am not on birth control and i am really fertile." he said "well i haven't had kids so far." (he is 33) i told him that i am serious i am super fertile...then he rolled over on me and we had sex again....
so with all of this i am super stressed. i don't want to go to work and do what i should be doing...i wished for a relationship and i don't think i can handle one...
Re: anxiety galore and don;t know how to calm down
Hi,
I have to say i'm not really sure if you had any real questions in your post or you just wanted to vent (which is perfectly ok).
First of all, I think you were both equally at "fault" for the incident at his house. It was TOTALLY inappropriate for him to ask you if you wanted to see a photo of his ex while you were laying in bed together, and you probably didn't handle it too well by leaving the note and sneaking out. So I'd say both your actions cancelled each other's out, and you can both forget about the incident.
So you can go back to being even Steven. No more bowing and scraping and worrying on your end, which will just make you feel worse.
Regarding unprotected sex--well you both are playing Russian roulette there and as long as you both know it and are prepared to possibly have a baby and then not know whether you really are going to get married or not--then it's totally up to you. You are adults and nobody but you can decide what to do with that. Just don't expect that he's going to support you if you get pregnant--because this guy was ready to risk getting you pregnant one day and then dump you for one little mistake the next??? I'd say he's not ready to really be a dad. Take care.
Re: anxiety galore and don;t know how to calm down
Personally, I think you are making a huge mistake by having unprotected sex. It sounds in your post like you are doing it on purpose, and you want to get pregnant. You told him there's a chance, which is good, but that doesn't take away from the fact that seem to want to get pregnant by this guy you barely know, and by him basically blowing it off, you got "permission" to do so. HUGE mistake, I'll tell you that right now. Not to mention the fact that you are/were still sleeping with your ex, you're in absolutely no position to be having unprotected sex with someone. AND, you're worried he's not over his ex, which he very well may not be. You're not playing it safe, and you will regret it. If things work out and you get married and have babies, then fine. But don't do it like this. Let things take their natural course. If you don't be careful, you will end up single, pregnant, and with a baby as a single mother. Don't think for one second that by him not objecting to your "fertility" that he is saying he wants to have babies with you (excuse my immature language, but it's easiest).
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
thanks all for you responses!
yes you guys are right i do need to be on birth control....but to be honest i don't want to be. this guy and i are very different, yet we are a lot alike. i could see myself spending my life with him, but i might be in a fantasy world. he said to our mutual friend that he could see himself marrying me....however he said that a few weeks ago, so who knows what the deal now.
also i know that he wants kids, we have talked about it...but if he wants them with me, well that is another story. yes since i was sleeping with my ex, i didn;t have any business sleeping with him...to be honest again i was just having my cake and eating it too...but i decided to let my ex go...i don't want to be selfish anymore...
here is my plan. i am going to give him a call and if he doesn't answer nor call me back i am going to hit the road on my own(like someone suggested). for five years i have shed millions of tears over my ex and i am not willing to do that anyone. i just hope this love thing gets easier...or maybe i just haven't found love yet....
but i must say it was REALLY nice to hear his apology even though i didn't think he did anything wrong. he said he would never put me in a situation that he thought would hurt me...so maybe he was ready to give up quickly, but he didn't...he was willing to talk it out and give us a second chance...i am really thankful, but still scared of the future...
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
As always, I have got a couple of questions.
Are you still in therapy for sexual addiction?
How does a woman know that she is super fertile, assuming that she has never been pregnant in her whole life? This may be a stupid question, but anyway your assertion sounded like a little bragging. I could be wrong. In this case, I apologize in advance.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Pendulum, I don't think was really bragging that was fertile, she was more informing the guy she was fertile, in other words telling him I can and want to get pregnant by you. She was waiting for his reaction to see if he would object or not, and in my opinion, she took his not objecting to no birth control as permission for her to get pregnant by him. I may be wrong, but she hasn't responded to my previous post to correct me, so that is still my opinion.
Anyway, Linds, you just said in your previous post that you see a future with him and that you know he wants kids. But I really think you need to take a step back and look at what you're doing. You guys have not talked about having kids together. I can't help but wonder that maybe you are interested in getting pregnant to "trap" this guy? Especially if you are worried he isn't over his ex, are you sure you aren't trying to one up her? I just can't really understand why you would want to have a baby with someone you barely know, and I think it's very unhealthy. You are just out of a long relationship, so it seems you are in a rush to move on with your life. But you're not playing it safe it all, and you really need to think about what you're doing. It's not healthy, and I really hope you realize that before it's too late.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
You haven't even really started dating yet and you're already talking about getting married and having kids, aren't you jumping the gun? And added to the fact that you're still sleeping with your ex? Not to sound harsh, but if you really felt like this was "thee guy" that you wanted to be with, then you wouldn't still be sleeping with your ex. It's time for you to make a decision and stick with it.
But unfortunately, I can already see how this is going to play out. The new guy is not going to give you what you want so you'll end up with your ex again, and the cycle will repeat itself. Until you get your ex out of your life completely then you'll never be able to have a normal, healthy, lasting relationship with anyone. It's time to cut off all contact with him and move forward, if not with the new guy then with someone else.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83
Pendulum, I don't think was really bragging that was fertile, she was more informing the guy she was fertile, in other words telling him I can and want to get pregnant by you. ....
Thanks, Mary. Now I seem to understand her better. Probably it has to do with the verb "to be". Perhaps she was meaning to say "I am in my fertile period", right? Just let me explain it quickly. I might have misunderstood her because in Portuguese and in Spanish for that matter, we have two differerent verbs to translate "to be": "ser" and "estar". "Ser" is for a permanent condition, and "estar" for a temporary condition.
"Eu sou (from "ser") fértil" = I am a fertile person (always).
"Eu estou (from "estar") fértil" = I am fertile right now, I am in my fertile times.
I assumed (wrongly) she was referring to a permament condition of fertility. This she could only be sure of if she had been pregnant before.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Just remember, a baby is a human being. Not something that is a means to get what you want. I don't know if you want a baby so you can get this guy to marry you and have a family, or because you love children and want to give the next 20 or so years of your life to devote to raising and loving your child.
Your situation seems a little unstable right now...I'm not sure adding a baby would be the best step.
Plus, haven't you resolved to stop seeing your ex many, many times and yet still have never stopped?
I personally think you need a break from ALL men for a long while, until you figure out what you really want in YOUR life.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
hi all, thanks again for writing. okay i will try and answer all
please everyone who reads my next statement don't let your jaw drop to low...all my pregnancies were planned.
Pendulum: i have been pregnant, actually 10 times. i have one child (he is seven) and have had two ectopic pregnancies, one miscarriage later in the the pregnancy, and 6 natural miscarriages all with my ex(all with 5 years). also yes, i am still in therapy.
Mary: you are probably right. i want a husband and family so bad that i probably am just trying to trap him. i don't know much about this guy...as i mentioned we have only been dating for a little while...maybe i am trying to make up for the void of my ex(or make up for the love that i should be giving myself).
yes, i did take him not objecting to me being on birth control as "sure go ahead and get pregnant...that's what i want" he said to me one day (before we started sleeping together) that he wanted to have a boy. i said to him that i already have a son (just to see where he would go with it) and what if i get pregnant with a girl?? well he made a joke and said "we will have to keep the receipt, take her back, and make a boy....your son needs a brother..."
Watersigh: i think you hit the nail on the head in reference to what you think will happen. i think that has already started happening....furthermore, i want to let my ex go, but i am afraid that i will end up with nothing in the end....so i keep getting hurt b/c i let my ex in when my feelings are hurt by another man...
Redneon: great advice! i do need to break away from all men for a while, but i am scared. i have become so dependent on others that i don't know how to solely depend on myself....and let's say i do depend on myself, how do i know i am doing it right? is it okay to call your ex or male friend when you are having a bad day just to cuddle? or should you just go for a jog or something and tuff it out??
i must say this thing called life is hard! there are good times and difficult times and i don't know if i am getting over the difficult times properly...
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Linds, I think your anxiety is most likely CAUSED by the situations you are putting yourself into, not the other way around.
How do you feel after you sleep with your ex? Do you leave feeling terrific and with a smile on your face, or do you leave thinking "that wasn't such a good idea after all", feeling used or ashamed, and more down than before you did it?
I think you are hurting yourself with your frantic search for a man to fill the empty space inside you. You are very insightful in that you know you are doing behaviors that damage yourself. You now need to find ways to stop those behaviors so the anxiety will stop. And believe me, getting this guy to get you pregnant is not a good way to do it, because then you will have a whole new set of problems that will affect not only you, but the child too.
You are a mother...try to focus on your child and take joy in what he brings to your life. My son is the one and only person in the entire world who brings me joy no matter what. If I have a bad day at work, or my guy is giving me grief, or I'm not feeling well, or I have some kind of dispute with a friend...5 minutes with my son and it all goes away. I bet yours does that for you too. So you don't have to worry about being alone...you aren't!
If you had absolutely no man in your life...how do you think you would feel? Empty, lost, lonely? Because you would have so much more time on your hands to do the things YOU want to do without having to check with anyone else. It's a lot more fun than you think...trust me on this one.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Speaking as someone who is currently alone but who has mistakenly kept someone in her life just to avoid being alone in the past, I can tell you that being alone is better. You'll never learn how to be on your own and independent unless you allow yourself to experience it. There are worse things than being alone, and you're currently living it. Too many women cling to men who are BAD for them in every way just because of fear of being alone. There's nothing to be afraid of! Sure it's boring sometimes and it can get lonely. But there's also a certain satisfaction in knowing that you're not selling out just to have a person there. I really hope you can learn this lesson before it's too late. The longer you hang on to that ex, the more time it will take for you to get to that point.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean
hi all, thanks again for writing. okay i will try and answer all
please everyone who reads my next statement don't let your jaw drop to low...all my pregnancies were planned.
Pendulum: i have been pregnant, actually 10 times. i have one child (he is seven) and have had two ectopic pregnancies, one miscarriage later in the the pregnancy, and 6 natural miscarriages all with my ex(all with 5 years). also yes, i am still in therapy....
i must say this thing called life is hard! there are good times and difficult times and i don't know if i am getting over the difficult times properly...
So, you mean to say that you had your son with your ex, too? If so, this might explain why you still have an attachment to him...
What is wrong with wanting a husband and a family so bad?
In a previous thread you were saying you had an addiction to sex. Maybe the only "mistake" is to be using the sex in order to fix yourself a husband and a family.
Do you really need therapy to realize this?
And apart from the bodily reasons (did you ever consult a medical doctor?), what were the psychological or emotional causes for and consequences of so many miscarriages?
Well, life is not really difficult; what is difficult is accepting reality. One good thing is the longer you live, the more resources you find and meet in order to live better, provided that you never neglect your health.
My advice to you is start looking after your health right now, so you can live a long and relatively pain-free life. Health is a most important asset, whether you have a family or not.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean;3937921
[B
Redneon[/B]: great advice! i do need to break away from all men for a while, but i am scared. i have become so dependent on others that i don't know how to solely depend on myself....and let's say i do depend on myself, how do i know i am doing it right? is it okay to call your ex or male friend when you are having a bad day just to cuddle? or should you just go for a jog or something and tuff it out??
i must say this thing called life is hard! there are good times and difficult times and i don't know if i am getting over the difficult times properly...
You're right - life is hard!!! But you must be happy with yourself first before you can be truly happy with anyone else. Same advice I gave my daughter once when she wanted to break it off with her b/f: Take some time, a few months, by yourself with NO MAN. Learn who you are, what you like to do, what you are willing to put up with and not put up with. If you are always on the search for a man to take care of you, you will constantly be playing a part, not being you.
You need to take some time out of relationships, ALL relationships, and spend that time bonding with your son, learning what hobbies you like, etc. Force yourself to go to a restaurant by yourself. (Yes, I know how scary that is!!) Maybe join a group. Become self-sufficient and learn how to handle things on your own.
And YES, it is wrong to call a friend or an ex just to cuddle because you are feeling down or need attention. You are using them. Find something that can fill that void for you. Reading? Crochet? Needlepoint? Making cookies with your son? Doing crafts with your son? Building a bookcase? But don't use people for your own convenience.
Good luck. If you put your mind to it, you can do it. And think of the valuable lessons you will be teaching your son! Instead of teaching him that women are needy and dependent, you will be teaching him that women are to be treasured and that they can do anything they put their mind to. You will be teaching him respect for you and for all women. Think of your son and let those thoughts guide you through!
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum
So, you mean to say that you had your son with your ex, too? If so, this might explain why you still have an attachment to him...
What is wrong with wanting a husband and a family so bad?
In a previous thread you were saying you had an addiction to sex. Maybe the only "mistake" is to be using the sex in order to fix yourself a husband and a family.
Do you really need therapy to realize this?
And apart from the bodily reasons (did you ever consult a medical doctor?), what were the psychological or emotional causes for and consequences of so many miscarriages?
pendulum<
I think you are right in implying that i may be using sex to have a family...i think that is the case. in my past sex=love. however as i grow i realize that that sex is not the same as love....
my ex is not my son's father(biologically). however he has been around since my son was born and my son calls him "papa"...he has been a father figure(his real dad hasn't seen him in five years)..
but yeah what is wrong with wanting a family????i mean isn't that why we are here on earth? to reproduce?? back in the olden days one would need a husband to do just that...anyways i don't know why people call me "needy" or "wanting someone too much" because i am ready to settle down with one person....
yes i have consulted at medical doctor about my miscarriages...i actually go to a high risk OBGYN and see a fertility specialist....
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean
pendulum<
I think you are right in implying that i may be using sex to have a family...i think that is the case. in my past sex=love. however as i grow i realize that that sex is not the same as love....
my ex is not my son's father(biologically). however he has been around since my son was born and my son calls him "papa"...he has been a father figure(his real dad hasn't seen him in five years)..
but yeah what is wrong with wanting a family????i mean isn't that why we are here on earth? to reproduce?? back in the olden days one would need a husband to do just that...anyways i don't know why people call me "needy" or "wanting someone too much" because i am ready to settle down with one person....
yes i have consulted at medical doctor about my miscarriages...i actually go to a high risk OBGYN and see a fertility specialist....
Linds, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting a family. The thing that is wrong is trying to start a family with someone who has no knowledge of that. You and this guy you are dating have never sat down and talked about starting a family, you barely know each other! So yes, your wanting to settle down and be with one man is a great thing. But that takes time. You aren't going to achieve what you want by tricking/trapping/forcing someone into your plans. You have time to do all of these things the right way, and the way you're doing it isn't right. It will hurt those around you and yourself as well.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
hi all, thanks again for replying!!
i will try to address everyone.
Redneon: I take FULL responsibility for my situation. I know that I wouldn't have any of this drama in my life if I stopped it. You asked: how I feel after I sleep with my ex? Well to be honest I am content. i don't feel used b/c i feel that i am using him as well as he is using me. tit for tat kind of. i am sorry if my words offend anyone, but it is how i feel... I do love him, but at this point in my life sex with him is just sex. we are sooo far in messed up land, that our relationship will never be good. the only time when we get along is when we are having sex....
i am not sure that i am on a "frantic" search for love, however if a man does come into my life i do wonder if he is husband material or not. if the case is the latter than i don't want him in my life (apart from my ex i suppose)...
Watersigh: you are right in saying that the longer i hold onto this guy, the harder it will be to get over him. i know this and still i choose not to let go. i have a new guy in my life and because that relationship isn't perfect i contuine seeing my ex....
Bigred54: Great advice! i do some of the things that you mentioned. I eat out by myself(this had never been an issue for me), i joined a soft ball team, i started taking up tennis and even joined an online group and have meet people via that group, i go to the gym, i hang out with my son, etc etc...still i want love
Mary83: you are right as well. i know the guy i am dating does want a family, however i don't know if he wants one with me. i have brought up the possibility of having kids (after sex) and he made a joke out of it and said "we will find out in two weeks"...but nonetheless i am going about finding a husband the wrong way. the last thing i want to do is trap someone....even though my actions speak otherwise...
my question to all of you is: is it "okay" to sleep with someone even though you really like someone else?? is your feelings towards someone weakened or less significant b/c you are sleeping with someone else??
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Does this guy you're dating know you are still sleeping with your ex? If you are hiding it from him, it's probably because you know he wouldn't like it.
How about if you found out this guy was sleeping with an ex? Would that hurt you?
And there's nothing wrong with wanting a family. Most people do. But sleeping with a guy you've only known for a few weeks trying to get pregnant and trying to get a family that way...not really the best plan, is it? A family is two consenting adults who agree to become parents after discussing it, not one of them deciding to become pregnant based on a vague, general discussion of future parenthood, and not sitting down planning it out with the other person.
Re: anxiety galore and don't know how to calm down
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean
pendulum<
I think you are right in implying that i may be using sex to have a family...i think that is the case. in my past sex=love. however as i grow i realize that that sex is not the same as love....
For a woman, love usually includes sex; for a man, sex usually includes love.
my ex is not my son's father(biologically). however he has been around since my son was born and my son calls him "papa"...he has been a father figure(his real dad hasn't seen him in five years)..
I'm sorry for this. Does your son have other masculine figures in his life, a grandfather, an uncle?
but yeah what is wrong with wanting a family????i mean isn't that why we are here on earth? to reproduce?? back in the olden days one would need a husband to do just that...anyways i don't know why people call me "needy" or "wanting someone too much" because i am ready to settle down with one person....
Maybe it's because people don't want to admit that they are needy, too.
yes i have consulted at medical doctor about my miscarriages...i actually go to a high risk OBGYN and see a fertility specialist.... I suppose you generally miscarry when the foetus has a serious problem and would be unable to live on its own. But there are also psychological or supra-natural roots for a miscarriage.
....i know i need to calm down but i don't know how....
