I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Any advice for someone who thinks like this? I havent been in many relationships (Im 28) and it comes to bite me in the ***. Cause when I do find someone to date or get to know, I get too eagar to get to know them and tend to fall for them way too fast. And on top of that, since im not a patient person at all, it just wears off on me and ive lost girls in the past from trying to persue too fast, soon heavily. And I end up scaring them and they think im a freak cause I over analyze everything way too much and am too impatient. ARGH!!! No matter how hard I try not to fall for a girl too fast when getting to know them, I can never prevent it! Im always so anxious to gettting to know them and always get my hopes up and wanting to jump in right away
I feel so hopeless in finding a soulmate, in fact I know im going to die single. Ive had many breakups and most were of the horrible variety (couldnt have ended any worse than they did). Im just so discouraged now when it comes to even talking to girls. I use to be this sudle shy guy, but very laid back and would always approach girls that i were interested in. I was so upbeat, confident! But now? Im so discouraged and negative. I never approach girls anymore (even if they give me body signals), cause i feel so hopeless in finding someone and I feel so worthless, like im an outsider that doesnt deserve to have someone special in my life. I always ask myself "what did I ever do to deserve this kind of punishment?"
Its a fact that i have to live with for the rest of my life - as much as I dont want to, but Im going to die single, i will never be married and never have children.
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Im so miserable right now,
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Last edited by Administrator; 04-01-2009 at 09:00 AM.
Reason: inappropriate and disallowed subject
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Very few people in the world can say they are lucky in love. If you believe in soulmates then you should know there is only one per person and finding that one is something most never accomplish. You seem to be aware of your flaws so in stead of whining over it, do something to change it for the future. Learn to control yourself, learn to be more patient. You are 28 not 58 and saying stuff like you will die on your own is just stupid. Don't be such a drama queen-if there is part of your life that you hate then do what you can to change it. If you hate how you are with women then don't be like that-practice some self control.
Last edited by Administrator; 04-01-2009 at 09:26 AM.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
I know plenty of men who are in their 30's and have yet to find "the one". I know it can be frustrating, but you just need to be patient. As the poster before me, you're ONLY 28. People are getting married much later in life now, so you have plenty of time. In fact, you have a better chance of your marriage lasting the longer you wait.
One thing you want to be careful of is becoming desperate. That's such a turn off to women, and it will show. I have an ex boyfriend that I'm still friends with (we dated for 2 years, but I was never in love with him, totally different people). Anyway, he is 30 now and is the most desperate man I've ever met in my life, and it's so annoying. He goes after ANY woman that crosses his path, even women there's no way he could possibly be serious with, which he admits. But he still does it.
If you want to find a good woman, you need to wait it out. Don't date every woman that crosses your path just to get a date. Date people you are compatible with. It takes time, but it will come. And once you find a good one, don't freak out. Take it slow and calm down. Enjoy your time dating, and remember you have plenty of time to find "the one".
Last edited by Administrator; 04-01-2009 at 09:26 AM.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
I will take everything you are saying at face value, but honestly it is rather difficult for me to believe that a young person is miserable, depressed and suicidal just because they are not dating anyone. There should be much more to make you feel that way, not only your "poor" track record of dating. Anyway...
But if you live alone and if you have been feeling suicidal for some time now, this must be reported to someone else, a doctor in particular.
In some cases, you may need medication, and of course this is beyond the scope of this board.
If your depression is not too severe, you might try one of the following measures:
a) read amusing books or watch amusing movies that make you laugh and smile;
b) walk in sunshine and outdoors;
c) do physical exercise in order to release the "right" hormones and improve self-esteem (try to develop upper body, shoulders and arms, to make you feel more self-confident); check your posture;
d) eat a healthy diet (with animal protein) and sleep as much as possible;
e) join groups of people for study, hobbies, support, conversation, etc. Not virtual groups, but real groups;
f) if you aren't ready to talk, listen to others and to the stories other people have to tell. When you listen with full attention, you move away from your problems and realize that other people can be in a worse condition than your own condition. If they are in a better condition, then why can't you?
Promise yourself that you will do no harm to yourself, because this is of no avail at all.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by duluthdonna
Very few people in the world can say they are lucky in love. If you believe in soulmates then you should know there is only one per person and finding that one is something most never accomplish. You seem to be aware of your flaws so in stead of whining over it, do something to change it for the future. Learn to control yourself, learn to be more patient. You are 28 not 58 and saying stuff like you will die on your own is just stupid. Don't be such a drama queen-if there is part of your life that you hate then do what you can to change it. If you hate how you are with women then don't be like that-practice some self control.
You make it sound so easy. Ive always wanted nothing more than to work on my flaws and become a more patient person - ive tried and tried in the past but nothing has helped. I think a lot of it just has to do with the fact that I havent had many relationships in my life, so when I do finally meet someone Im too eagar in wanting to get going.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83
I know plenty of men who are in their 30's and have yet to find "the one". I know it can be frustrating, but you just need to be patient. As the poster before me, you're ONLY 28. People are getting married much later in life now, so you have plenty of time. In fact, you have a better chance of your marriage lasting the longer you wait.
One thing you want to be careful of is becoming desperate. That's such a turn off to women, and it will show. I have an ex boyfriend that I'm still friends with (we dated for 2 years, but I was never in love with him, totally different people). Anyway, he is 30 now and is the most desperate man I've ever met in my life, and it's so annoying. He goes after ANY woman that crosses his path, even women there's no way he could possibly be serious with, which he admits. But he still does it.
If you want to find a good woman, you need to wait it out. Don't date every woman that crosses your path just to get a date. Date people you are compatible with. It takes time, but it will come. And once you find a good one, don't freak out. Take it slow and calm down. Enjoy your time dating, and remember you have plenty of time to find "the one".
I understand where you're coming from - but I dont think its the fact that i havent been with many women in my life, but the fact that the ones that I was with, Ive been hurt by badly. Ive been heartbroken so many times, ive had to put up with so much BS from the girls ive dated, im just sick and tired of their headgames and runaround. It just feels like an endless cycle to me - thats why I feel so hopeless. Thats why I dont go out of my way for any girl anymore. I have no motivation.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum
I will take everything you are saying at face value, but honestly it is rather difficult for me to believe that a young person is miserable, depressed and suicidal just because they are not dating anyone. There should be much more to make you feel that way, not only your "poor" track record of dating. Anyway...
But if you live alone and if you have been feeling suicidal for some time now, this must be reported to someone else, a doctor in particular.
In some cases, you may need medication, and of course this is beyond the scope of this board.
If your depression is not too severe, you might try one of the following measures:
a) read amusing books or watch amusing movies that make you laugh and smile;
b) walk in sunshine and outdoors;
c) do physical exercise in order to release the "right" hormones and improve self-esteem (try to develop upper body, shoulders and arms, to make you feel more self-confident); check your posture;
d) eat a healthy diet (with animal protein) and sleep as much as possible;
e) join groups of people for study, hobbies, support, conversation, etc. Not virtual groups, but real groups;
f) if you aren't ready to talk, listen to others and to the stories other people have to tell. When you listen with full attention, you move away from your problems and realize that other people can be in a worse condition than your own condition. If they are in a better condition, then why can't you?
Promise yourself that you will do no harm to yourself, because this is of no avail at all.
Hope this helps a little.
Ive always suffered from on and off mild depression ever since I graduated from high school - but nothing NOTHING like the severity ive hit in the past month. Ive always been a loner all my life, never had friends to hang out or talk to, never had anyone to really get close to in my life. Ive always felt like a total outsider from the real world - out there, just me, myself and I.
You may not want to believe me when I say that Im "you know" right now, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and only speak whats on my mind.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokenheart88
Ive always suffered from on and off mild depression ever since I graduated from high school - but nothing NOTHING like the severity ive hit in the past month. Ive always been a loner all my life, never had friends to hang out or talk to, never had anyone to really get close to in my life. Ive always felt like a total outsider from the real world - out there, just me, myself and I.
You may not want to believe me when I say that Im "you know" right now, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and only speak whats on my mind.
But what do you do for your living? Don't you ever have contact with other people?
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Broken - is it at all possible for you to get into therapy? I believe it would do you a world of good - either one-on-one or group therapy.
I'm 55 and have been hurt many times. I am a very optimistic person and choose to learn from my experiences and move on. I do understand that it's not that easy for everyone (and I'm certainly not saying I was never hurt and depressed!).
Your nature is more introverted and you could be helped greatly by having a therapist or group to talk things out with, to gain some clarity and some confidence.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokenheart88
I understand where you're coming from - but I dont think its the fact that i havent been with many women in my life, but the fact that the ones that I was with, Ive been hurt by badly. Ive been heartbroken so many times, ive had to put up with so much BS from the girls ive dated, im just sick and tired of their headgames and runaround. It just feels like an endless cycle to me - thats why I feel so hopeless. Thats why I dont go out of my way for any girl anymore. I have no motivation.
I'm 26 and I've had plenty of heartbreak as well. I've been in several serious relationships, many of which ended because the guys were jerks or we just weren't right for each other. I've been cheated on, lied to, and broken up with. But, in the end, we all get back up and start over again. We all get hurt and we all have to deal with it, it's part of life. I understand you're frustrated, but it sounds like your issues maybe require therapy as they are due to depression. Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but if you are mentally healthy and stable, you should be able to handle it. If you're not mentally healthy (like depression), life seems unbearable and the regular "crap" of life gets you down much more than it should. So maybe you should start there. Maybe your problem isn't so much girls as it is depression.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokenheart88
Ive always suffered from on and off mild depression ever since I graduated from high school - but nothing NOTHING like the severity ive hit in the past month. Ive always been a loner all my life, never had friends to hang out or talk to, never had anyone to really get close to in my life. Ive always felt like a total outsider from the real world - out there, just me, myself and I.
You may not want to believe me when I say that Im "you know" right now, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and only speak whats on my mind.
Broken, please also keep in mind that depression can come and go. So if you've just suffered from mild depression before, you may be experiencing severe depression right now. You really need to go get it checked out, you may see a huge difference if you get on medication. I'm speaking as someone who has depression in my family (my mom and sister), and I'm getting my major in a field related to this. I'm by no means a professional (yet!), but I do know a lot about the topic, and I really hope that you will get the help you need. It could change your life.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83
Broken, please also keep in mind that depression can come and go. So if you've just suffered from mild depression before, you may be experiencing severe depression right now. You really need to go get it checked out, you may see a huge difference if you get on medication. I'm speaking as someone who has depression in my family (my mom and sister), and I'm getting my major in a field related to this. I'm by no means a professional (yet!), but I do know a lot about the topic, and I really hope that you will get the help you need. It could change your life.
Yes, and may I add that ...
You have always been a loner, but that doesn't mean you have to go on being one. Only you can change yourself. You have to reach out after people rather than keep waiting with folded arms for them to come after you.
You have come to the Board seeking for advice, and many of us are giving you good advice and sharing our not so good experiences in life, but it seems that you refuse to accept the advice you have asked for.
There are many factors leading to the way you feel, and many of these factors center around lifestyle: even the food you eat may trigger symptoms of depression and sadness. So, if you want to cure yourself, you probably have to change your lifestyle.
Another factor is inactivity. If you don't have a job, then try and get one.
Building up your body also helps a lot, either through bodybuilding or martial arts. You don't have to become another Schwarznegger or Bruce Lee. But physical activity will increase your level of testosterone and this can eventually improve your depression.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
As you see, everyone in here has been hurt and heartbroken AT LEAST once in their lives. I think people often don't see that, and think they are the only ones hurting or having a really bad luck with love and relationships. But even then you can't and shouldn't obsess with it. I mean even the worse relationships can teach us something, and bare at least few good memories. Like I said, if you believe in soulmates, then there is only just that one girl meant for you, and all the others you meet before her will, in one way or another, be a dissapointment simply because they are not "the one".
We all have a choice, you are not sentenced to live a life filled with depression. You can fight it, and if you want to find someone to love you, you must fight it and keep it under control.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by duluthdonna
As you see, everyone in here has been hurt and heartbroken AT LEAST once in their lives. I think people often don't see that, and think they are the only ones hurting or having a really bad luck with love and relationships. But even then you can't and shouldn't obsess with it. I mean even the worse relationships can teach us something, and bare at least few good memories. Like I said, if you believe in soulmates, then there is only just that one girl meant for you, and all the others you meet before her will, in one way or another, be a dissapointment simply because they are not "the one".
We all have a choice, you are not sentenced to live a life filled with depression. You can fight it, and if you want to find someone to love you, you must fight it and keep it under control.
I totally agree with the above. Most people get hurt at some point. At the time it feels like a disaster that you can't recover from, but you have to move on. Get involved in different activities, not only to meet a woman, but to stay active. If you are desperate to meet someone, it will be obvious and desperation isn't attractive.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum
Yes, and may I add that ...
You have always been a loner, but that doesn't mean you have to go on being one. Only you can change yourself. You have to reach out after people rather than keep waiting with folded arms for them to come after you.
You have come to the Board seeking for advice, and many of us are giving you good advice and sharing our not so good experiences in life, but it seems that you refuse to accept the advice you have asked for.
There are many factors leading to the way you feel, and many of these factors center around lifestyle: even the food you eat may trigger symptoms of depression and sadness. So, if you want to cure yourself, you probably have to change your lifestyle.
Another factor is inactivity. If you don't have a job, then try and get one.
Building up your body also helps a lot, either through bodybuilding or martial arts. You don't have to become another Schwarznegger or Bruce Lee. But physical activity will increase your level of testosterone and this can eventually improve your depression.
Thanks for the in depth sugestions.
I do have a job but I've noticed my work performace hasn't been good at all for the past month. Its beem incredibly hard for me to even go to work because of how's I've changed for the worst and just not the same person.
I am a very physically active person and I work out 4-5 days a week, even though (just like with my work) my motivation for sports and working out just has been the same for the past month.
I don't know but it seems like what's happened a month ago has been a dramatic life changing experience.
I'm not trying to ignore any of the help from thid board - I've just been taking a bit of a break the past couple days - and I do apologize I come across that way.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83
I'm 26 and I've had plenty of heartbreak as well. I've been in several serious relationships, many of which ended because the guys were jerks or we just weren't right for each other. I've been cheated on, lied to, and broken up with. But, in the end, we all get back up and start over again. We all get hurt and we all have to deal with it, it's part of life. I understand you're frustrated, but it sounds like your issues maybe require therapy as they are due to depression. Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but if you are mentally healthy and stable, you should be able to handle it. If you're not mentally healthy (like depression), life seems unbearable and the regular "crap" of life gets you down much more than it should. So maybe you should start there. Maybe your problem isn't so much girls as it is depression.
I know where you're coming from - but like I told my family one can only bare so much before they start to crumble. You can be the most positive and optimistic person in the world - it doesn't matter if all you go through is constant heartbreak and dead end relationbships.
Oh and I called on wed and am set in see a prof. Physchologist on april 16th - it was the soonest they could get me in - they even put me in as urgent, as its normally a 6+ week wait.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum
But what do you do for your living? Don't you ever have contact with other people?
I'm a freelance graphic designer but lately work has been a struggle because there just isn't much out there right now. To fill in the time gaps in between jobs, I do promo and temp jobs - I find this is a great way to network with others, but its not often enought to make a solid group of friends from it.
Regardless, I always feel like an outsider and that I'm always going through life alone. I've always been mostly an independant person all my life.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
For the time being, forget about finding a partner and concentrate on your social life. This will have many advantages for you; you will make new friends, you will gain confidence, and you will be able to see how people act with each other. You are right in that the worst way to be is 'desperately seeking' and too out there. Stop this right now. When you get to meet people, especially women, remember that not many people get properly listened to; learn how to listen, read books on active listening and become known as a fantastic listener. I am fairly shy, but I have been in lots of classes and groups over the years, and because I listen, people trust me and tell me stuff. You can do this too. This is a huge social asset, possibly one of the most important. Another technique which I have mentioned before is to act 'as if'. Act 'as if' you are confident, open and friendly. Watch someone who does it well and act 'as if' you are they. It is not deception, it is practice at social skills. When you are more laid-back, confident and a terrific communicator, everything else will follow eventually. Also, you will find your interest in people and their ways will grow, and that is also really good. You will get to know many people in many ways. Enjoy this. Sera.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brokenheart88
Any advice for someone who thinks like this? I havent been in many relationships (Im 28) and it comes to bite me in the ***. Cause when I do find someone to date or get to know, I get too eagar to get to know them and tend to fall for them way too fast. And on top of that, since im not a patient person at all, it just wears off on me and ive lost girls in the past from trying to persue too fast, soon heavily. And I end up scaring them and they think im a freak cause I over analyze everything way too much and am too impatient. ARGH!!! No matter how hard I try not to fall for a girl too fast when getting to know them, I can never prevent it! Im always so anxious to gettting to know them and always get my hopes up and wanting to jump in right away
I feel so hopeless in finding a soulmate, in fact I know im going to die single. Ive had many breakups and most were of the horrible variety (couldnt have ended any worse than they did). Im just so discouraged now when it comes to even talking to girls. I use to be this sudle shy guy, but very laid back and would always approach girls that i were interested in. I was so upbeat, confident! But now? Im so discouraged and negative. I never approach girls anymore (even if they give me body signals), cause i feel so hopeless in finding someone and I feel so worthless, like im an outsider that doesnt deserve to have someone special in my life. I always ask myself "what did I ever do to deserve this kind of punishment?"
Its a fact that i have to live with for the rest of my life - as much as I dont want to, but Im going to die single, i will never be married and never have children.
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Im so miserable right now,
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Great advice from others on here so far, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents. I agree with what Seraph just said: I think you need to focus mostly on yourself and your social life right now. Maybe I missed it in one of these posts, but what happened a month ago that started making you feel depressed?
From what I can tell, it sounds like you're putting way too much emphasis on your love life and relationships right now. So alright, your life isn't exactly going as well as you would like, right? And I could be wrong, but I'm guessing you're probably hoping you're going to meet that amazing, special somebody, and she'll make everything in your life perfect. Does that sound about right?
Well, I hate to break it to you, but the only person in the world who can do that is the one reading this message right now: you, buddy. There are no perfect relationships in the world. There are no perfect people in the world. I noticed that you mentioned finding your soulmate. A great bit of advice I read somewhere said don't go looking for a soulmate, instead look for a soul-match. There is a difference. Think about that famous line from Jerry Maguire: "You complete me." Well, that's great for Jerry, but as for the rest of us, we need to complete ourselves. Love isn't supposed to do that for us. Love isn't meant to solve all of our problems. It's asking too much of a partner if you expect that much out of them. I think too many people are hoping for that kind of magical relationship when they say they want to find their soulmate.
Rather, if you shift your thinking a little bit, you can start looking for someone who will be a good "soul-match". She won't complete you or make your life perfect or anything like that, because it's not her responsibility. That's your responsibility. Instead, a partner who is a soul-match will complement your life in all the right ways. She can help you find balance. Maybe the two of you will have a lot in common, or maybe you'll be opposites (as they say, opposites attract). In any case, you will eventually find someone that you're very compatible with, and the two of you will make each other very happy.
But, I don't want you thinking about that stuff just yet, because there's a reason you're jumping the gun and coming on too strong when you meet girls. Part of it is your perception and your search for a "soulmate", but part of it is also that you're unfulfilled with your own life. Have you ever heard the rule about not calling a girl for three days after you get her number? Well, there's a reason for that, and it's not because guys are trying to be jerks or players. As you've seen, women can get frightened or turned off if you start coming on too strong.
If a woman feels like you're coming on too strong, too fast, it tells her that you're a little too interested in her. Why shouldn't you be interested in her? I'm sure the women you're meeting are sweet, attractive, smart, etc. But you want them to know that you have your own life, with much higher priorities than some woman you met two days ago. I'm sure you have your own dreams, goals, interests, talents, and other important life qualities.
You need to put more emphasis on those things in your life, man. Because if all you're doing is calling up these girls nonstop and trying to make plans with them all the time, it seems like you've got nothing else going on in your life. Women see that as a warning sign: a guy who isn't happy with his own life, or who always has free time, could end up getting obsessed with a woman that he meets. Most women know that that can be really dangerous. I'm not saying all women think this way, but some probably do.
Even for your own benefit, it is important for you to focus on some other things in your life, you know? You've got to balance things, and try to keep everything in moderation. Socializing with friends, staying in touch with family, working out, managing your finances. You see, there's a lot more to life than meeting girls and dating, alright?
So that should help you cover a few of your bases. If you need help or advice with other aspects of your social life, like making new friends or anything, don't be afraid to ask us. Whatever you need help with, just post it on here. Hope this helps you out dude.
Re: I need serious advice and help - IM SEVERELY DEPRESSED
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph
For the time being, forget about finding a partner and concentrate on your social life. This will have many advantages for you; you will make new friends, you will gain confidence, and you will be able to see how people act with each other. You are right in that the worst way to be is 'desperately seeking' and too out there. Stop this right now. When you get to meet people, especially women, remember that not many people get properly listened to; learn how to listen, read books on active listening and become known as a fantastic listener. I am fairly shy, but I have been in lots of classes and groups over the years, and because I listen, people trust me and tell me stuff. You can do this too. This is a huge social asset, possibly one of the most important. Another technique which I have mentioned before is to act 'as if'. Act 'as if' you are confident, open and friendly. Watch someone who does it well and act 'as if' you are they. It is not deception, it is practice at social skills. When you are more laid-back, confident and a terrific communicator, everything else will follow eventually. Also, you will find your interest in people and their ways will grow, and that is also really good. You will get to know many people in many ways. Enjoy this. Sera.
You have some great points - I will forsure try to focus more on my social life (even though I dont have one and havent in many years), but will try to at least somewhat build another one. I had one when I was younger (18-20 in my part years) but most of my friends have either gone a different route in life or moved away.
I think of myself as a fairly confident guy and definitely very open and laid back. The only thing I struggle with is actually meeting new people. Making new friends today is not like how it was 10 years ago. You cant just walk up to a cute girl who you see at the coffee shop or walking right by you on your way to work, and start introducing yourself. Most (if not all) would get startled.
But the thing is, ironically (and I know you dont think this) but right now im actually not intentionally looking for love each time I step out of my house - and as the matter of fact havent in years! My problem right now is that i feel so hopeless in actually being able to find someone who is meant for me (long term). Im very sick and tired of the 2 week, 2 month fake relationships that just waste my time and abuse me.
And I end up scaring them and they think im a freak cause I over analyze everything way too much and am too impatient. ARGH!!! No matter how hard I try not to fall for a girl too fast when getting to know them, I can never prevent it! Im always so anxious to gettting to know them and always get my hopes up and wanting to jump in right away 
I always ask myself "what did I ever do to deserve this kind of punishment?"
