It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-10-2009, 10:31 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 190
MOM23ANGELS HB User
Brother-in-law cheating

i need some advice for my sister as she is in denial. a few months ago she found A LOT of evidence that her husband has been seeing someone else. when she confronted him, he just denied it and came up with all kinds of (lame) excuses for it all. well, a few days ago my husband confided in me that bro-in-law told him that he is seeing someone else. now, this is very strange because my husband is not even that friendly with him and it was a very odd thing for him to just admit out of the blue. i think he just wants to get caught as he must be exhausted and feeling guilty about his double life. this has been going on for a year and a half (the affair, that is). i have so many emotions going thru me. but this is not about me. my sister has let herself go completely. this is a girl who was model gorgeous and looks like hell now. they have two children and he shows zero interest in his children. he comes and goes as he pleases and the whole situation is a joke. i don't understand how she allows this to go on. she told me that she does not love him anymore and that if not for the kids she would be out. they recently bought a house and i know that is also a scary part of this. my husband and i have decided to open our home to her and the kids for as long as she needs but i'm not sure if that is the best scenario for her. (leaving her house that is)

i am going to have an intervention with her and my other sibling as i cannot allow her to go on like this. i am fearful of a break down. we recently attended a reunion with some friends and EVERONE was shocked as to what she looks like.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-10-2009, 10:44 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,908
chevyman HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

Not much else you can do, thats about it you offered her your home and thats a very nice thing to do.
Maybe your sister is in denial because she just to embarressed that this has or is happening to her?

Usally its better for everyone outside there realtionship to butt out and let them both deal with these type of issues them selfs with proffessinol help, because its a no win situation for you or really any of your bussiness how they handle there realtionship even tho this is your sister, you offered and if she don't accept it and stays in denial then you did your part!
just tell your sister that your always there for her if she needs you. she has your unselfsh support.

 
Old 04-10-2009, 11:18 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

I agree with Chevy that you can't interfere with your sister's marriage. I would just let her know that you are there for her and if there's ever anything she needs from you, you'd be happy to help out. Tell you love her and will be supportive of her at all times.

However, your BIL did invite your husband into his personal life by telling him. Perhaps your husband can talk to him and let him know that he needs to start considering your sister and the kids in his actions, and that he is being unfair to his family. I wouldn't count on your husband being able to "talk some sense" into your BIL, but he should let him know that he is hurting his family.

 
Old 04-10-2009, 11:26 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

If your brother-in-law has already told your husband about his affair, then maybe he's just plucking up the courage to tell his wife, too. Perhaps he's afraid of causing her too deep a shock, even though she says she doesn't love him any more. When he told, did he ask your husband to keep the secret? What was your husband's response? Didn't he ask your brother-in-law? "What are you going to do about this now?"

I don't think there's much you can do here. At least not about the affair. If her health is visibly in a bad way, perhaps, with a lot of tact, you could advise her to see her doctor. Offer to go with her. If she refuses, you tell her that you will always there for her, anyway. I think she will understand your message.

On second thoughts, maybe your husband, now that he officially knows about it all, has authority to request your brother-in-law to please put an end to your sister's tribulation: he must choose divorce from her or end of his affair. Can't he see her pain? Your husband can speak in the name of the whole family, I think. Do you think he would do that?

 
Old 04-10-2009, 11:45 AM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 190
MOM23ANGELS HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

thank you all for your responses. my husband was shocked to hear this and at work at the time so he did not have the opportunity to get into it. this a**hole (BIL) had the nerve to ask my husband for a favor (for his girlfriend) and that's how he found out. it was almost like a "oh, by the way.....i need a favor for my special friend". my husband was soooo hurt by it as we are a very tight family and he loves my sister to pieces. he has never been fond of bro-in-law. my hubby is not a confrontational kind of guy and feels this is not his place to confront BIL.

i guess you are all right.......i need to mind my business but it really hurts to see this go on.

 
Old 04-10-2009, 01:40 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 584
redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

I think him telling your husband is almost your BIL's cowardly way of outing himself. He knows your husband would tell you, and thinks you will likely tell your sister. Not that she doesn't already know in her heart, but my guess is he's hoping that you telling her will finally bring this all to a head and end the marriage. BUT, with the circumstances, I would think that your sister in court would be awarded some really nice alimony and child support during the divorce proceedings with all of the evidence.

I don't think there's anything wrong with speaking honestly with your sister about her marriage. I don't think leaving it all up to her has worked. I"m not saying to disown her if she doesn't want to leave him, but if you and your other sibling can speak to her sternly about how she is just not the person she once was because the lack of respect her husband has given her has basically led her not to respect herself, it could only help. You wouldn't be saying anything she doesn't already know. Just let her know you're there for her for whatever she needs.

 
Old 04-10-2009, 02:02 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 190
MOM23ANGELS HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

redsoxgirl,

i really feel an intervention is necessary. she is on a downward spiral and looking for help. i agree, financially she will be awarded quite a bit as far as support for her and the kids. she has always come to me for help with everything else in here life. she just needs to know that we are here for her no matter what.

she did suggest therapy to him and he just laughed.........."I don't do therapy."

 
Old 04-10-2009, 04:48 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
sunnyrise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: united states
Posts: 613
sunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB Usersunnyrise HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

I happen to agree with Chevy, that you shouldn't just come out and tell your sister, she probably knows deep in her heart.

If this were my sister I would try to help build her self-esteem like treating her to a new hairstyle or something like that. Go shopping and have some fun.. Let her feelings come naturally and she will probably confide in you.. It sounds like your sister is really down on herself and she needs some help in a positive direction without the mention of her cheating husband. Just my thoughts.

Sunny

 
Old 04-11-2009, 10:15 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

M23A, I think you should consider what you would want your sister to do if it were your husband who was cheating and treating you in such a way and cuasing you to deteriorate. What would you want her to do for you? And then do that for your sister.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 10:49 AM   #10
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 190
MOM23ANGELS HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

minding my buisiness is probably something i should do but won't. she means too much to me to allow this to go on. i spoke to her last night and told her i will be hiring a private investigator to get the proof we need.

i cannot tell her about the admission by her husband to mine. the men work together and would cause a lot of problems in soooo many ways.

she just listened and agreed like a child to a parent. she is sooooo ready for this.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 04:25 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,908
chevyman HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

I think you be making a big mistake to intervene, intervention is a good thing if you was trying to get your sister off drugs, alcohol or stuff like that, before she killed herself ect,,ect,, but its not wise to menial around with her realtionship with her hubby...its great that you love your sister and want to help her I Applaud you, thats all good, but if your sister don't love your BIL and wants to leave him (D-I-V-O-R-C-E him then you need to tell her to seek a good Divorce Attorney, let them (Attorneys) deal with it/him your BIL.
If your sister knows about this (the BIL infidelity and lack of respect on your BIL part) Then why spend your hard earn $$ on a P.I. private investigator?
if she don't love him and knows of his actions with other women..then she should know what to do.?

I'm not saying your wrong but sometimes things like this hurts the person in question (legally speaking) and then your BIL gets off scott free, or gets everything and a new woman to boot.. I know that sounds stupid but the way the laws are it gets pretty tricky even if you do want to help.
my advise would have her seek an attorney asap and serve him his get out papers.
The help you and your /family may help her with mostly is financially maybe for legal advise...and of course your undying support.
she knows you love her and she loves you thats family nothing any better than that, but then again she maybe blind to the fact that she loves him and maybe want to work things out, if that happens ? see my point...then you look like a fool or feel like one!...Divorces can get pretty nasty and long drawn out.
It may or may not come back to haunt you, I guess is the point I'm trying to let you know.
I know we all know you mean well but sometimes when you think your helping it could be hurting your sister, you let her stay over at your house...then what? he files for desertion or abandment, theres all kinds of seneiros he could pull off,
however if he is phyiscal abusive then by all means call the police Asap... D.V.A= ...Domestic Violence Arrest hurts a man in court.
Collective Evidence of his infidelity (pics) phone numbers, time called, place called, emails, anything thats in writing, paper trails, ect,,ect,, it gets nasty...these are the eazy things thats why I suggest an attorney.

Last edited by chevyman; 04-11-2009 at 05:24 PM.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 04:39 PM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by MOM23ANGELS View Post
minding my buisiness is probably something i should do but won't. she means too much to me to allow this to go on. i spoke to her last night and told her i will be hiring a private investigator to get the proof we need.

i cannot tell her about the admission by her husband to mine. the men work together and would cause a lot of problems in soooo many ways.

she just listened and agreed like a child to a parent. she is sooooo ready for this.
Yes, so it sounds like she's at least had an idea that he was cheating. If he just laughed and said "I don't do therapy," then I'd say chances are pretty good he's copped a flippant, disrespectful attitude with her as well, and that's probably going a long way toward her downward spiral. It's kind of hard to feel good about yourself and even want to try to feel good about yourself when you know your husband is sleeping with another woman. As someone whose husband was cheating on her once said to me, "you feel so ugly and stupid and you don't even want to talk in front of him, you don't even want to walk around in front of him." It can be devastating. She needs to get her power back. And yes, don't tell your husband that you are doing this private investigator thing. He will either take a great deal of heat from your brothe rin law, which as you say could cause problems for your hubbie at work, or your husband could warn your brother in law and make it harder for you and your sister to catch him in the act. Men do tend to stick together and protect each other, even when they are wrong wrong wrong, protecting each other means more to them than anything else for some weird reason.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 05:41 PM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 190
MOM23ANGELS HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

chevyman, as much as i want to totally disagree with you, you are right in many ways. even as i spoke to her last night she was ACTUALLY MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM AGAIN. for example, "he is stayting home more these last couple of weeks". or "He is playing with the kids more." so yeah, maybe she does want to work things out. she did mention to me at the end of the conversation that she is scared to be alone. (without a spouse)

she is just very unhappy and i guess she must go thru the different stages and make the decision herself. but a private investigator is necessary to show her what is going on. i fear for her health as well.........this guy IS sleeping with another woman.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 06:23 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,908
chevyman HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

I'm sorry I know I could be all wrong these are merely my suggestions and opinions.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings or get you ****** at me its just the cold hard truth.

your sister needs to file the divorce papers ASAP and proceed with it.., siteing incompaitable Differences, spousal abuse (the way he talks to her) his actions toward her are all negtive, infidelity, mental abuse, the list goes on and on if IF is a big powerful word sometimes... if she has doubts and thinks there still may be something there and says she loves him then everything you do is for nothing right down that big old drain.

As for as her being intimate with your BIL...grrrr she can stay in the house (there house) its still half hers and as for as her and your BIL being intimate, when after the fact she knows he's been with another woman... I would hope your sister is more intelligent than that!
she could move into another bedroom...I agree its jeperdizes her health if her hubby is sleeping around on her...why take the chances and besides it's got to send cold shivvers up her spine just the thought of her best friend and lover father to her children ect,,ect,,, has betrayed her love and her trust .

sure he is playing her card now friendliy with the kids, staying home more being a hubby and father to his children showing more respect eh! little late for that is't it... ..he's guilty and he 's been caught Red handed and he knows it..thats why he's sucking up now..and that could interfer with your sisters best judgement.

Being scared is not a very good excuse to stay with an abusive man, theres ways she can get by without him...she has a wonderful family she has you.

Some prople say people don't change...he probably was a good old boy when she married him ...but as time went on I suppose he just got tired of her and the love he had for your sister fell to the wayside...and he wants to plant his man seed else where in this case another woman...its your sisters decision as to what she wants to do obvisouly ,thats why I said its not really any of your bussiness and I'm sorry I said that to you that was a hateful dishearted thing to say to a sister thats trying to help out another sister in need I apologize.

Last edited by chevyman; 04-11-2009 at 06:46 PM.

 
Old 04-11-2009, 07:37 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,989
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Brother-in-law cheating

I have an older sister and I have to say that if it were my sis, I'd be on her to do something about it. I like my BIL a lot as does my family but if I found out he was cheating, he would be in really deep doo doo.

I can totally sympathize with your situation because I know I couldn't just stand by and watch my sis get hurt like that. I would do whatever I could to force her to get out of the situation. Because I know she would do the same for me. That's what sisters do, they have each others' back.

I say, do whatever you need to do to help her. That's the right thing to do.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Worried about my younger brother's life choices, and marriage. bestoflife Relationship Health 12 09-29-2008 08:21 AM
My brother has died LuvMyLilDoggie Grief & Loss 20 12-30-2007 02:12 AM
my little brother mica1 Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) 3 05-25-2006 01:01 PM
Brother sister issues lilmissaim Teen Health 0 05-09-2006 06:15 PM
Brother's immature relationship Gidget6923 Relationship Health 14 05-08-2006 01:33 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (159), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (102), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (670), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:57 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!