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Old 04-27-2009, 07:15 PM   #1
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girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

we argue about this about 4 times a month and it really kills me, but was i really wrong?

well here's the story.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years now. Two years and 3 months into our relationship, she breaks up with me because she said she lost interest me. I was devastated. My world came tumbling down. A couple of weeks later my guy friends took me out and showed me the positives of being single again. I was having fun, going out late, and meeting new girls. A little over a month later, my ex girlfriend and I started hanging out again (we have the same friends of course). we talked and went out for lunch. She started calling me again every day and every night. It was great talking to her again because i still loved her and missed her, but at the same time, i was ready to move on. before this relationship, i was a firm believer that if you break up once, you'll just break up again. well, a week into talking again, she asked me back. she said she made a mistake and could not live without me. i hesitated a little but said yes.

we were in love again, well, she was in love with me again. it was back to how it was before. 4 months later, she goes study abroad in Korea. it was sad to see her go to Korea for the next 4 months but i was sure everything will be fine. we talked on the phone as much as we could. we chatted online as much as we could. 2 months later, she breaks up with me again. There are a few reasons why she broke up with me again.

1. She said Korea opened her eyes and showed her that there may be more out there. She wanted to explore (other guys too i guess).

2. After she went to Korea, I wanted to keep myself busy and and take my mind off of her so time would go by quicker so i went to Vegas with my friend. The thing is, she really wanted me to go to korea and visit her. I just recently graduated college and didnt really have the money for that kind of trip. $300 for a ticket to vegas vs $1300 ticket to Korea (my older sister actually was nice enough to pay for my vegas ticket). my girlfriend got upset at me for that and said that this was one of the reasons that she broke up with me. okay, this was my fault. i'll take blame.

she broke up with me again. again, i was devastated. before making it official i told her that there will be no more getting back together. i couldnt do it anymore. we decided to stop contact with each other. we deleted each other on f-book and m-space. i was kind of bitter about this break up since it was the second time.

it was back to square one. back to my friends for support. a couple of weeks later, i went out for my best friend's birthday and met a girl. she was the cousin of my best friend's girlfriend. i thought she was pretty and talked to her. we exchanged numbers and a few days later we started hanging out. we started hanging out a lot. at first i just wanted to be friends. i didnt feel like moving on yet. i prevented myself from liking her. i told the new girl that i was not looking for a relationship. she was cool with it but still wanted to hang out. the more we hung out, the more i started to like her. i would eventually fall for this girl, but before any of this could happen, my ex girlfriend contacted me on f-book. at first it was just a friendly message to check up on how i was doing. then, we started chatting online. again, she told me she missed me and asked if there was a possibility that we could get back together. i reminded her about what i said before we broke up, but then said maybe there may be a chance. she asked me back again. this time, i said i wanted to wait. i wanted to wait until she came back from korea to see if she really did want to be with me or if she only misses me because the break up was so recent.

she agreed yet continued to ask. at this time, i was still hanging out with the new girl. another reason why i wanted to wait was because i wanted to see what was best for me. meet someone new or go back to my ex. i also didnt want to jump back into a relationship with someone who had already broken up with me twice. someone who i had always treated well, never cheated on her, never raised my voice on her, never pushed her, or never controlled her, but yet still broke up with me, TWICE. i wanted to wait.

a month later, i said yes to my ex, AGAIN. i felt horrible, cause the new girl really liked me. it broke my heart to break it to her that i decided to get back with my ex. she was definitely heart broken.

a week later, after my ex and i have already gotten back together (my ex was still in korea), i ran into the new girl at the club. when i saw her, my heart broke. this first week back together with my ex was rocky and not the best way to restart our relationship. when i saw the new girl at the club, i was questioning my decision. did i make a mistake by getting back with my ex? because i was not happy at all at this time. when i saw the new girl, i wanted to be with her. i took her and held her hands and kissed her once on the lips. she tried to resisted but also let me do it at the same time. (yeah, i'm a jerk, i know.) so many different emotions were running through my mind and my heart at this moment. the new girl turned around and ran away from me and cried to her cousin. i felt horrible for doing what i did to her.

well, anyway, i told my ex about what happened and she was livid. she said i cheated on her (i guess it is. i'll take blame). me and the new girl were still friends afterwards and we both understood what was going on. she still wanted to keep in contact but gave me and my girlfriend space but didnt want to become strangers. she didnt want to be the source of our break up and i respected that. but my girlfriend insisted that i CANNOT talk to this girl anymore and that i COULD NOT be friends with her anymore. even though it hurt, i did it.

to this day, my girlfriend (when drunk and sometimes sober) still brings this up and uses it against me. "the kiss". she also brings up the fact that i made her wait and said that i was wrong for making her wait. everytime she brings this up she dives right in and tears me apart and tears me down. i try to argue but end up taking responsibility. it hurts me everytime she brings it up. i truly felt bad for kissing the girl that night and admit that i was wrong. before that, i have never done my girlfriend wrong, but she still uses that against me and sometimes tell me that i'm not a great boyfriend.

she is also upset that i kissed someone else when we were broken up when she didnt kiss anyone. well, she did. but supposedly she was drunk and blacked out. since she couldnt remember it, it didnt count. according to her. i think its BS. to me, you do things when you're unconscious that you wanted to do when you are conscious but didnt have the guts to do it. her next arguement is that she didnt like the guy and he didnt like her. they were just friends. but yeah, the guy was well aware of what he was doing. they kissed for 40 minutes!!!! i call BS everytime she says that she didnt have a thing for him. she always talks about his body and how its better than mine. talks about his cologne and how its better than mine. and she just talks about him in general.

anyway, was i really wrong for making her wait? and was the kiss really that bad?

your input is appreciated. it will either help me relieve my stress because i wasnt wrong or make me beat myself up because i was an jerk.

thanks in advance.

Last edited by lucky_yang; 04-27-2009 at 07:16 PM.

 
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Old 04-27-2009, 08:22 PM   #2
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

I think it's too bad that you got back together with her. It sounds like she is going to hold all of this over your head forever and she will never let you forget it. Even though she's a total hypocrite and did exactly the same thing you did, she thinks she's better than you so she can do what she wants and you're not allowed to do anything wrong.

I think if you want to be truly happy you should break it off and find someone else. She is literally going to keep giving you a hard time and it won't matter how much you apologize to her. Do you want to keep living this way? I think you should rethink this whole thing and realize that it's not working. And this time DON'T get back together!!

 
Old 04-28-2009, 06:58 AM   #3
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky_yang View Post
we were in love again, well, she was in love with me again. it was back to how it was before.
This is the part of your post that stands out to me. It sounds like you're saying she was in love with you but you were NOT in love with her. BAkc to where it was before? You mean, back to her loving you but you not really loving her? So you're saying you never really loved her? It kind of sounds like you got back together with her because you were either afraid not to, you didn't know how to say no to her, but it sure does NOT sound like you got back together with her because you loved her and wanted her back.

I think your girlfriend has behaved somewhat immaturely, but I'm not going to judge her for it. And I'm not going to call her a hypocrit. I think there is a difference between being at a party, drinking too much getting silly and kissing some random guy that happened to be standing there, and what you did. Your emotions were invested with this other girl. You were considering a relationship with this other girl. I don't think you can compare that to one random drunken kiss. And I know how crazy it can make you when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back and you can sense it on some level. I've been there and it sucks. Let's face it, you really want to be with the other girl, but you got back together with your girlfriend out of duty, obligation or familiarity, but not because you love her and on some level, your girlfriend knows it. But instead of just leaving you and moving on, she has chosen to make both your lives miserable. From what you say in your post, it's pretty plain you don't really love your girlfriend, you're not happy with her, you'd really rather be with the other girl. One of you has to be strong. I think you need to grow up a little bit, end things as respsectfully and responsibly as you can with your girlfriend, and get your head on straight about what you really want and then make a plan to get it, and then grow a pair and go get it. You'll break a lot fewer hearts that way. Because you weren't strong enough to say "I said no last time and I meant it" you've now hurt your girlfriend AGAIN and you broke the heart of this other girl, all because you can't decide what you want and stick to it.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 07:52 AM   #4
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

there's way too much drama here on both sides.....it just isn't meant to be...
try a different girlfriend.....move on.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 08:42 AM   #5
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

It sounds like your girlfriend is just stringing you along. She will break up with you again.

True, you shouldn't have kissed the other girl after you got back together with your gf. But, if you two are going to stay together then she has to let it go and never bring it up again. If she can't do that then you need to let her go.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 09:48 AM   #6
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

Well it is very obvious what the game plan is from your g/f....and they say men are players...LOL....Actually, both times your g/f called it quits she came back to you, not you going to her, and that is what's upset her..Not that you kissed a girl, but you didn't drop life and go chasing after her and for her to feel you would fight to the end...so she plays these games in hopes that you will be the one that is fighting to get her back....

They say follow your heart, and if this was your best friend going through the same thing, what is your advice to them...well that is your answer...It sounds to me like neither of you are actually giving to the other emotionally what it needs to hold a long term relationship...and the drunken kiss...it does count....if she can get that drunk to not remember that, then I'd worry she has no control over herself.....I've went out and got pretty drunk before, but NEVER to the point where I kiss anyone randomly...and I'm a rocker chick...LOL.....

Ever hear of the saying.." I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either".....

 
Old 04-28-2009, 10:38 AM   #7
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

Hey Lucky yang

Seems like you are having a hard time with this one. In your eyes you have tried to be a gentleman and the responsible guy. You wanted to wait which is admirable but you made a mistake by kissing the other girl.

You are letting your partner hold you to ransom with this and all the while she not facing up to her own double standards. If she gets drunk enough to make out with random guys then she can get drunk enough to go all the way. It sounds more like she has a crush on this guy rather than it being a one off kiss. Anyway how does she know what his body looks like, how does she remember his cologne if she can't remember the kiss. There seems to be more to it than she is telling. She may be stringing you along until something better comes along then hey she breaks up with you, it doesn't work out with this guy and she comes running back.

Larrylou'smom asks a valid question, do you love this girl? From your post it looks like you are just going along with it without your heart in it. Ask yourself the question will this be your life from here on in and can you put up with it?

Your entanglement with this other girl seems to be more what you want, you need to be decisive and go for the one you really want. Search your feeling and make a decision then stick to it.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 01:28 PM   #8
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

maybe i should have worded it differently. i have always loved her and still do. she came back to loving me again after she had supposedly lost her love for me. my love for her was always and still there.

when we arent fighting, everything is great. i am happy with her. its just that whenever she brings this up, she likes to use it to tear me down.

Last edited by lucky_yang; 04-28-2009 at 01:31 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2009, 01:32 PM   #9
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

it doesn't matter if you love her
this isn't a healthy relationship

 
Old 06-18-2009, 10:44 PM   #10
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Re: girlfriend holds grudge and will never let it go.

I know this thread is a couple months old, so I don't know if my opinion will be relevant to you're most current situation. Your girlfriend broke up with YOU twice, unprovoked. The first time, because she "lost interest in you". What could have possibly made her interested in you again? In my opinion, its because you didn't ask her to come back to her, and on top of that, you were going out and doing what every healthy young single person does, having fun. What was she doing during this time? She wanted you because she couldnt have you. I would not have taken her back after the second break up, but you loved her, and I know what that feels like. But, is it worth loving someone that won't forgive you? That will torment you for something that was only natural for you to do given the run-around your ex/current girlfriend was giving you. If she believes herself to be in no fault WHATSOEVER, not even apologizing or even acknowleging the wrongness of her actions, it sounds like the basis of a sour and unhealthy relationship.

I once had to walk away from someone I loved, and it was heart-wrentching. I felt horrible. But, I look back now and it was for the better. Does this person love you, or is she just with you because she is afraid of being alone? How plausible is it that someone can fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat? You are definately NOT at fault. Be forthcomming and brutally honest. Ask her why she did the things she did. Ask her if she knows how much it hurt to know she didn't care for you anymore. Ask her if she plans on holding this over your head for the rest of your relationship. If the answer is yes, walk away, no matter how painful. If she comes back to you with tears, refuse her pleads unless she vowes to let go of the past. I she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be my friend. Is it worth being with someone who doesn't love you? You will find someone after her; hell, you were close to forming a new bond a couple days after she broke up with you from Korea. Good luck my friend, and keep us all posted. I'm sure there are many people out there who would find your experiences enlightening to their own.

 
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