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Old 05-01-2009, 11:47 PM   #1
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6-9 Months of "Getting to Know You"

So I was reading a few dating advice articles a few nights ago, and I found a unique piece of advice in one of them. The article said that when you're dating, if you meet someone that you really like, you should try to wait 6-9 months before becoming exclusive with them. I did a double take. I was like, Did I read that wrong? Nope, there it was, 6 to 9 months.

To me, that seems like a lot of time. Some relationships don't even last that long. I mean, from a personal standpoint, that might actually be a good approach for me to take. I tend to fall for girls really quickly and easily, but keeping that period of just making sure I get to know someone really well before entering a relationship might help me learn to hit the brakes and take it slow. What I wonder is, wouldn't a lot of women start probably getting impatient after that amount of time? I would expect a lot of women to begin losing interest, or to believe that maybe I've lost interest in them, or possibly that I was never interested in them in the first place. This approach would also lead some to speculate that I have a fear of commitment.

I dunno, what are your thoughts on the idea? Is that an excessive amount of time to try dating someone and getting to know them before you get exclusive with them?

 
Old 05-02-2009, 03:04 AM   #2
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Re: 6-9 Months of "Getting to Know You"

I think generally it's a good idea to make sure you know someone before you jump into exclusivity, but I don't think you can really set a time limit on it. It depends on how the relationship goes, and each one is different. I think a good loose rule to follow would be, what are you looking for in a serious long term relationship? Emotional stability, loyalty, honesty, shared values, life philosophies and world views? And how long will it take to tell if the woman you're dating has those things? IT takes time. maybe not 9 months, that seems long, and yes, I personally would probably lose interest in a guy if he refused to even try to be exclusive with me after 9 months, especially since I don't believe in being sexual with anyone I'm not exclusive with.

 
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Old 05-02-2009, 06:38 AM   #3
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Re: 6-9 Months of "Getting to Know You"

I also think that is too long, and even more so if you are over 40 or 45. The older you are, it seems the easier it is for you to get to know someone else well enough in a shorter period of time. Already in a first encounter, you can learn quite a lot about someone else, especially if you are a good observer.

I would think that one to three weeks of daily and frequent interaction with a person would give you a rather solid knowledge of them, in most cases. It would help if you could meet or see them in different environments - work, family, leisure, stress (if possible) - so you can see if their responses are consistent.

 
Old 05-02-2009, 07:15 AM   #4
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Re: 6-9 Months of "Getting to Know You"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I think generally it's a good idea to make sure you know someone before you jump into exclusivity, but I don't think you can really set a time limit on it. It depends on how the relationship goes, and each one is different. I think a good loose rule to follow would be, what are you looking for in a serious long term relationship? Emotional stability, loyalty, honesty, shared values, life philosophies and world views? And how long will it take to tell if the woman you're dating has those things? IT takes time. maybe not 9 months, that seems long, and yes, I personally would probably lose interest in a guy if he refused to even try to be exclusive with me after 9 months, especially since I don't believe in being sexual with anyone I'm not exclusive with.
Yeah, agreed. I thought it was a good idea in principle, but like you said, each relationship is different and I don't think you can set a hard time limit on the whole "courtship" stage. Or maybe you could, but I would use a much shorter time limit, like maybe a month.

 
Old 05-02-2009, 08:11 PM   #5
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Re: 6-9 Months of "Getting to Know You"

I think it may also be regional. I know the rules are different in NYC, Chicago and LA than they are in the Midwest. In my community the mindset is not to multi-date, at least for very long. When you find someone you like, the tendency is to just date that person long enough to get to know them well. I think that within a month's time you should be able to have a handle on someone. If they are such a player that they can fool you that long, then they can surely handle fooling you for 6-9 months!

The biggest problem is that everyone has dating advice. Check out 15 different mens/women's magazines and you'll find differing advice. Check out all the relationship forums you can find and you'll also see different advice. The advice differs from men to women, also. I trust my instincts, which have been honed over 40 years of dating and having relationships with people.

 
Old 05-02-2009, 08:58 PM   #6
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Re: 6-9 Months of "Getting to Know You"

I think it is a perfectly appropriate question to ask yourselves, and each other, as you you begin to feel attraction to one another. Why should it be one person's decision, when two individuals anticipate a sexual relationship. I think it should be a subject to be discussed openly between both partners.

Give each partner a chance to offer their preferences, and then decide together on a compromise, that everyone is honest, and happy about.

 
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