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Old 05-03-2009, 08:43 PM   #1
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Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

I don't know what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 9.5 years. It has been a relationship characterized by massive highs and lows. I have been with him since I was 20. He has major anger management problems. He is either absolutely adorable, about 70% of the time, or gets angry and is verbally abusive-calling me all the names under the sun, following me around the apartment to harrass me and scream at me.

He is also very negative, always venting his anxieties and complaints at me to the point that I feel sick and anxious too, whereas I am a naturally positive person and hate worrying.

The last time, I brought him some films from our local library that I thought he would like. I had worked all morning and he wanted me to watch the films with him. I said that I want to lie down for an hour first and he got annoyed that saying I never want to watch the films he likes. I told him I just want to lie down for an hour as I felt exhausted. He then grabbed me shoe and started pounding it into the floor, shouting *****, ***** etc. I have never looked at another man in the whole ten years we were together, and I get to be called names like that.

I know this is not much of a life. I have butterflies in my stomach 365 days a year, whether we are fighting or not as I know that a fight is usually just around the corner. He has no capacity for self-reflection at all and as much as I tell him these patterns of behaviour are destroying us, he can't control them when he is in the moment.

I am now in a hotel. This is my second night here. I refuse to stay in a house where I am abused like that. However I just can't seem to leave him for good. I don't have a clue where I would go. I don't have a close bond with my mother who has no maternal instincts whatsoever by her own admission, and is over-critical of everything I do, even at my age. My dad lives abroad and has a girlfriend I have never met.

Because of the very insular upbringing I had, I never managed to make a lot of friends and though I have some beautiful fantastic girlfriends, I can't exactly go and live with them. I don't know why I am so petrified of being on my own. Maybe it's not knowing where I would live. We now live in North America whereas I am originally from the UK. Would I go back there? Start a career from scratch?

I feel so alone, so sick. Noone knows about this as I don't like to burden people and most of my friends already think I should have left him a long time ago. They are right. Before meeting him, I was a mess. I was very socially anxious after the childhood I had and was seeing a cousellor. I am just scared that I would crumble into a big mess alone.

The other problem is that a couple of years ago we started a business, and it is actually starting to do really well. I hate the fact that I have invested so many hours in something that is starting to be so great and could actually give us a comfortable life.

I know I should leave him. Why can't I? What is wrong with me? Maybe I hate myself so much that I don't think I deserve to be happier than this? Maybe if we got anger-management, we would be ok? When I dream of leaving him, I always dream that I will meet some amazing man who will give me a calm, serene, happy life. Why can't I dream of leaving him on my own?

I am also proud. I will not go back there until he apologises which because he is emotionally retarded, he won't. He will also try to hurt me more by only calling me up to get me to look after the business. I dream of running away somewhere, joining an environmental group or something.

I am trying to be calm, but inside I am dying. I know love shouldn't hurt like this. But I worry that life on my own will hurt more.

Please help me. I am so lost. I am usually a strong person but now feel like I just want to go to sleep and not deal with this anymore. Not really, but inside I am just in so much pain, holding on to the times he is great as an excuse not to leave when I know that I am destined to live a life of pain if I stay. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 
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Old 05-03-2009, 09:43 PM   #2
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and yes, I think your upbringing had a lot to do with why you have chosen to live this way with a man who treats you like this. But you can always choose to rise above your raising. Being on your own may hurt worse for a little while, but I can promise you, in time you will see that being with this man made you unhealthy and kept you unhealthy, and it's so much better to alone and healthy than with someone and miserable.

You mention that you worked, so you have a business with him? I understand you would hate to leave the business, but one thing I've learned, no business, no job, no nothing is worth being around someone who makes you feel the way this man makes you feel.

" have never looked at another man in the whole ten years we were together, and I get to be called names like that. "

It's what you get because it's what YOU have chosen to settle for, and no other reason. and you can alwasy choose not to settle. But it is your choice, and no one else's.

Are you in a position to go to a counselor? Your self esteem is pretty low right now. Do you make enough money to live on your own, and it's just fear that's keeping you from taking that step? This guy sounds pretty volatile and I wouldn't feel comfortable advising you to go home to him while you work your life out. The first thing you have to realize is that this isn't your shame. Ask your girlfriends if they would be willing to put you up for a little while. It couldn't hurt to ask. If they've been wanting you to leave him, chances are they would be willing to help you do just that. But you will have to put forth a good faith effort to move past this relationship, even if you have to see him at work for a while until you find something else. But please don't use the "but the business is finally doing well' excuse. So what? That won't make a difference if his verbal and emotional abuse turns into physical abuse, and it sounds like it's moving in that direction, and he puts you in the hospital or God forbid, the morgue. The burgeoning business won't mean spit then.

The bottom line is, this is your life. You have the right to live it, enjoy it, and not be abused, but you have to make the choice to make things better for yourself. Your parents never taught you that you are worth standing up for. But you are, so you are going to have to teach yourself if you want any kind of a shot at a life worth living. No time like the present.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:40 AM   #3
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

he's sick with a mental health condition.....do some research on BDP, borderline personality disorder, and also bi-polar. I'd bet money that he has one or the other. You can't stay in an abusive relationship, you need to find a way to get out.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:52 AM   #4
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

I am not 100% sure about my diagnosis, but I should think that you are a victim of domestic violence. Be realistic about this. You should go to a place where you can get help, support, counselling, and advocacy about this. I don't know what you call it in America: a women's shelter? You may resist the idea of labelling your case as such, but go there anyway and listen to what they have to say to you. This man is verbally abusive. He can become physically abusive when he hears that you are finally leaving him. Be rational. This is what you need to do, if only to have some time for yourself to discover what to do next in your life. I must not say that a reconciliation is impossible, but since his unstable behaviour is a clear pattern, I think it's better for both of you to stay apart for good or for as long as necessary. As for the business, is it a legal business? If so, you can always sell your shares or negotiate a cancelment of the contract. If you feel unable to do it yourself, then talk to an attorney at the women's center. I don't know if going back to the UK would be ok for you at this point. Maybe. Is there any good friend willing to put up with you there until you can find a job or something? I am sorry you are going through this, but don't let the opportunity escape you of finding a new route in your life. I know it's frightening, but I am sure you will find people to give you the support you need to do it if you only ask for help. Be firm.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-04-2009 at 06:57 AM.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 04:01 AM   #5
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Welcome to domestic violence. You can leave for good, but only you can do it. No one can do it for you. I've been there. It took a strength I didn't know I had to get out, and to get out for good. Look deep within and you will find a way. Take it from me, it only gets worse. Get out while you still have your life. Good luck, T

 
Old 05-05-2009, 07:32 PM   #6
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

Thanks so much for your advice! I am glad to know that you think the behaviour is not quite normal. I was even looking into Borderline Pers. Disorder as it is quite amazing how he turns from being so adorable to seething with such hate.
I had to go back home-we just don't have enough to keep haemorraging money at the hotel, though I know there are more important things, like my mental health and safety to consider. I have told him we will live seperate lives till I find myself somewhere to stay. Please God, I hope I stay strong and don't fall back into the trap of forgiving him because he is being sweet and cute and sorry.
In the end he did call me-but as predicted only to tell me I had to look after the business. That's not the only reason he wanted to talk to me I'm sure, but he knew that by only reducing me to a business colleague, that would hurt me. And he is all about inflicting pain. He has been doing it for years.
I have finally realised that I think he is really ill. I don't mean to just put all the blame and him and I sure have faults too, but the way he keeps up these destructive patterns is not normal. Plus the fact that I have never seen him feel guilty about anything in his life. Not for all the evil things he has dont over the years which I haven't even gone into here, not for spitting in my face when I told him my mother was in hospital or using the worst insults imaginable or all the other evil things he has done.It is amazing how little self-awareness he has. When I spoke to him, he said he has been going through hell after when I have done the last few days!!!! I said 'are you crazy"? The only thing I did was escape from you!!! Why don't you think about what lead me to have to escape?!! It's certainly not for the joy of being alone in a hotel room for three days. I can't believe the way he tried to turn it around and make me seem like the bad guy-he has been doing it for years and no more.
He needs help. So do I for staying with someone like him. I hope in a year's time I can look back and the nightmare will be over. I wish I hadn't been made to feel like a piece of dirt my whole childhood-maybe then I would feel as though I am worth more.
Anyway, thank you so much for listening and for the advice. It really does give me strength. Thank you again.

Last edited by floating_gal; 05-05-2009 at 07:37 PM.

 
Old 05-06-2009, 07:14 AM   #7
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

so where are you going to stay?
please don't go back to stay with him.....find a friend or someone that can help, even a womens shelter.

 
Old 05-07-2009, 04:52 AM   #8
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

Please keep us updated...and take care. Be strong and remember that YOU are worth it and deserve to be happy too.

 
Old 05-07-2009, 05:35 AM   #9
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

Well from personal experience....You have to ask yourself what you are worth....I was in a bad marriage, but unfortunately I had no money, no place to go, I moved away w/ my husband and had no one. I lost everything I had when I married him and believed things would be OK...Only to find myself in a world of hell....As some of the things you describe here are the same as I went through, but the only difference is I had 3 children w/ me one of which was severally disabled, a teenager at that time, a 5 yr old and a 9 yr old....I knew I deserved more and I could not help this man, no matter how long I stood by him, he was who he was and not me or anyone else ever going to change that....So I planned my get away while he was at work, and moved me and my kids out of the home, yes I did lose some stuff, but it was material items that I could later in life get again, I took what was important to me and the kids....We traveled over 2 1/2 hrs to get back to some familiar grounds to get away from him. Unfortunately even though it was domestic violence, I couldn't get no help from agency's, they didn't allow 15 yr old to stay w/ the mom in a shelter(mind you my 15 yr old has the mentality of a 12 month old).....I was lost, not much money on me, and believe me there was times I didn't know what to do, he would call me and tell me I was a bad mom for taking kids away from a home to living and being homeless, he would turn it around all on me....I was staying in a hospital for several weeks w/ my disabled son that was in bad shape and my husband would call me and tell me I was a worthless wife because I was not home w/ him and he even threatened to burn all my stuff if I didn't leave my child at the hospital and come home and act like his wife, he would tell me while I was at the hospital that I better answer all his calls or he was going to destroy my world, at that time I was still residing at the house, I moved me and the kids out 1 week after my son was released from the hospital and he still would threaten me But, I didn't break....I kept remembering all the things he done to me and no matter how hard it was, I would not return back....Don't get me wrong, this man could be one of the nicest, caring people around as well, but the ugly side was over powering his good side. I swallowed my pride and pushed forward....So here I am homeless w/ 3 children, not knowing what will happen next, going from motel to motel and some friends houses, being my family are not nice people, they thought because this man had money I should have stayed w/ him...because to them money is everything, well I am a person, and money does not make happiness......I look back now 3 years later and think why I stayed w/ him in the first place, I am happy now, the kids are happy, I can actually breath w/ out fearing that something bad is going to happen.....So ask your friends for help, and put all that pain and anger this man done to you to work in your behalf and show him you can make it with out him, because he don't think you can....So show him up and get your life back, become who you once were.....Another thing that helped me was, quit taking his phone calls, he will surely threaten you, because he will feel he lost control over you, but he has none once you walked away....and you will have half your business, at least the finance part of it through a divorce....think of you now.....Become all those mean nasty names he called you.....then laugh..and say "yup, its all about me now".....I know its scary, but it will be more scarier down the road if you don't do something now....

 
Old 05-07-2009, 11:05 AM   #10
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Thank you again.

Thanks so much to everyone for replying.
I am still at home, sleeping on the couch. I have told him he is sick and another insult or another attempt to subject me to his negativity and extreme anxiety will get me going to the hotel. I know this is not a solution-there has been no evidence of long-term change for the good in him in all the years I have known him.
This morning he found out that a client didn't pay $36 and obviously reacted like it's the end of the world, spewing his anxiety at me. We have just got a couple of big contracts and the client is going to pay tomorrow! But any excuse to get anxious, overexcited and subject me to it. I hung up on him. After that he called me about 12 times in the space of five minutes telling me to switch on Skype. I kept telling him that Skype wouldn't switch on and that I had to restart the computer and he kept calling and calling like a madman saying swtich on Skype which I was trying to! I kept saying stop calling me, and he couldn't-every 30 seconds. I finally had to unplug the phone.
I really realise that he is quite ill. There is no self-control at all. I wouldn't put it past him to rush back home from the office just to scream at me-that is how little self-awareness is involved.
So now I am feeling stressed and have that butterfly feeling again. And it is my fault alone because I am just too weak. And it absolutely is not for the sick pleasure of being in a twisted co-dependant relationship. It is because I am just terrified of disintegrating into a pile of ash alone. Before being with him, I had had such a terrible time at home, and in a way he saved me from that as the beginning part of our relationship was so beautiful and supportive.
I completely agree with what you are saying. I know it and know this is wrong. I am so scared, I feel like I am not a real human being, maybe after being taught my whole childhood that I was worthless, and I feel like the only thing that is stopping me from confronting the reality of myself is him. I suppose he is a distraction from some demons, even though I know he is the worst kind of distraction.
I truly pray for the strength to get away, though as you said this is much more than just a question of praying. I feel pathetic and yet for being able to help everyone but myself.
Dolejaly, that was so brave and strong of you to get away. I often rationnalise his behaviour by saying that he isn't physically violent, though he is often aggressive and threatening. I don't know why I don't feel able or worthy to have better. I pray that I get the strength from somewhere. Maybe counselling?
In any case, thank you so much for your replies.

 
Old 05-07-2009, 11:59 AM   #11
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

you are worthy to have have better!
even being alone is better......
being alone is so nice, you have peace......give it a shot.
you can live without him, honestly!

 
Old 05-08-2009, 06:21 AM   #12
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

You mentioned your family was quite awful as well, so there you go...Show all of them you are better and above all of them...None of them think you can do it, your family or your husband, so use that fear and turn it into anger and show them up....

Believe me, I thought for sure I was going to fall on my face and have to crawl back, but it doesn't happen like that....I never could figure out why my husbands first wife put up with this kind of behavior from him for 17 yrs, but then again her family liked him better, so she was lost and believed in you marry only once....But, 17 yrs later she slammed the door on him and her family and guess what, she is remarried, has a beautiful home, is very independent and that was something she thought could never happen....So, even starting over 17 yrs later and they had 4 children together she put her fear of him into anger and it worked for her as well, Fortunately for me I never put that long into him as 17 yrs before I realized I deserved more in life and wanted to know what else was out there for me...

He never saved you from your family dear, he found someone that was weak from the start and abused it....You owe him nothing..What you two have is because of both of you, not just him so some of your independence and intelligence is very well apparent....Your the success, not him....You have already shown that...

 
Old 05-08-2009, 10:24 AM   #13
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by floating_gal View Post
I don't know what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for 9.5 years. It has been a relationship characterized by massive highs and lows. I have been with him since I was 20. He has major anger management problems. He is either absolutely adorable, about 70% of the time, or gets angry and is verbally abusive-calling me all the names under the sun, following me around the apartment to harrass me and scream at me.

He is also very negative, always venting his anxieties and complaints at me to the point that I feel sick and anxious too, whereas I am a naturally positive person and hate worrying.

The last time, I brought him some films from our local library that I thought he would like. I had worked all morning and he wanted me to watch the films with him. I said that I want to lie down for an hour first and he got annoyed that saying I never want to watch the films he likes. I told him I just want to lie down for an hour as I felt exhausted. He then grabbed me shoe and started pounding it into the floor, shouting *****, ***** etc. I have never looked at another man in the whole ten years we were together, and I get to be called names like that.

I know this is not much of a life. I have butterflies in my stomach 365 days a year, whether we are fighting or not as I know that a fight is usually just around the corner. He has no capacity for self-reflection at all and as much as I tell him these patterns of behaviour are destroying us, he can't control them when he is in the moment.

I am now in a hotel. This is my second night here. I refuse to stay in a house where I am abused like that. However I just can't seem to leave him for good. I don't have a clue where I would go. I don't have a close bond with my mother who has no maternal instincts whatsoever by her own admission, and is over-critical of everything I do, even at my age. My dad lives abroad and has a girlfriend I have never met.

Because of the very insular upbringing I had, I never managed to make a lot of friends and though I have some beautiful fantastic girlfriends, I can't exactly go and live with them. I don't know why I am so petrified of being on my own. Maybe it's not knowing where I would live. We now live in North America whereas I am originally from the UK. Would I go back there? Start a career from scratch?

I feel so alone, so sick. Noone knows about this as I don't like to burden people and most of my friends already think I should have left him a long time ago. They are right. Before meeting him, I was a mess. I was very socially anxious after the childhood I had and was seeing a cousellor. I am just scared that I would crumble into a big mess alone.

The other problem is that a couple of years ago we started a business, and it is actually starting to do really well. I hate the fact that I have invested so many hours in something that is starting to be so great and could actually give us a comfortable life.

I know I should leave him. Why can't I? What is wrong with me? Maybe I hate myself so much that I don't think I deserve to be happier than this? Maybe if we got anger-management, we would be ok? When I dream of leaving him, I always dream that I will meet some amazing man who will give me a calm, serene, happy life. Why can't I dream of leaving him on my own?

I am also proud. I will not go back there until he apologises which because he is emotionally retarded, he won't. He will also try to hurt me more by only calling me up to get me to look after the business. I dream of running away somewhere, joining an environmental group or something.

I am trying to be calm, but inside I am dying. I know love shouldn't hurt like this. But I worry that life on my own will hurt more.

Please help me. I am so lost. I am usually a strong person but now feel like I just want to go to sleep and not deal with this anymore. Not really, but inside I am just in so much pain, holding on to the times he is great as an excuse not to leave when I know that I am destined to live a life of pain if I stay. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 
Old 05-08-2009, 10:36 AM   #14
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

You are so not alone! On April 26, I asked my ex-boyfriend to leave my place because I have had enough of his emotional instability. We argued over my wanting to have a nap in peace w/o him banging in the backyard and causing disturbance for my neighbors also. He could not deal with this in a normal manner. Instead it became a full blown cussing, namecalling and throwing clothes into his bags situation. He did most of the verbal attack on me and I couldn't take it. I was with him for 7 yrs. and lately I feel this unstable relationship has been doing something negative for my health. I have been dealing with stomach ulcers, major headaches, emotional instability like feeling sad, angry all the time, venting my anger at innocent people and overall I allowed myself to be weak, low self-esteem and fear. Despite the fact that I have 5 yrs. university education, I felt so uncertain about who I am. Now that I not around him for hours at the time, I feel different, more relaxed and able to think clearer about what I want to do. So I think you are stronger than you allow yourself to think you are!

 
Old 05-08-2009, 10:58 AM   #15
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Re: Please help me. So alone. Out of control boyfriend.

I too have just escaped from a bad relationship. He was abusive in many ways, and since I'd known him for so long and been with him for 4 years, it was very hard to make the break. He cheated on me and I ended it, but we started talking again and almost...almost fell back into the same destructive relationship. But then, of all things, HE got a bit of sanity. He told me that he was ending it for good because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I had no idea he would ever be self-aware enough to realize being with him was hurting me. So we are now "no contact" and I know, I just KNOW, that my health will get better and so will my sanity and self esteem. I used to live with him but moved out in December...thank God, because I'd be homeless right now.

Can you afford your own place? Believe me, you will not fall apart on your own...on the contrary, you will find that your stress level will go way down, and it will be wonderful to live in a peaceful home without having someone around who you know you will be fighting with constantly. I live alone with my kitty and it's fantastic to have a haven to go to with peace and quiet and no stress.

Please, try it. And do get counseling if you feel you could benefit, but trust me...the peace and quiet of your own home is much better than living in a war zone.

 
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