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Old 05-05-2009, 12:00 PM   #1
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What to do...move on or wait it out?

I have to make a REALLY long story short here...I was married for 5 years when I realized I was falling in love with my best friend. (we are women, both married to men) Before I knew it we were both in it deep. One thing lead to another and we began cheating. I'm divorced for almost 2 years now. Last year, I got my own place, big enough for me and my 3 children. My girlfriend said she wasn't going to move in with me, she wasn't even divorced yet. She ended up coming the first day I moved in and never left. She has a daughter as well. So here we are, 2 women starting our lives out, just getting by raising 4 young children (11,9 twins, 8) For the first 6 months everything was great. We were so happy. (BTW...she has Bipolor or so she thinks, I think its Borderline Personality) The children were happy and we were getting along. We had our fights but thats normal. Around Sept. she broke her ankle and couldn't work. I was ok with it obviously...It definately was a struggle but I would do anything I had to do for her. When she broke her ankle, something happened. Her personality changed. I'm not sure if this is part of the disorder but she was just becoming mean and lazy. She was definaltely show favorites with the kids. I understand she will never love my daughters the way she loves her own but she moved in free will. When she did that, she took on the responsibility and committment of nurturing my children the way she did her own. She wasn't doing that. Her daughter was the obvious princess and my kids noticed especially the oldest. The stopped listening to her and my guess is because all she was doing was yelling at them for everything. The kids fought all the time, which caused us to fight which made it a very unhappy situation. My gf just picked on everything. She saw nothing wrong with anything she did. She was able to start walking around again and refused to go back to her job. She said her job was physical (which it was) and her ankle was still bothering her. I said fine...go get a desk job. I was paying EVERYTHING in the house and had nothing left over. She was getting a few hundrend from her soon to be ex. and she spent it on her and her daughter. A trip to florida to see her family. I really can't get too mad over that b/c I did convince her to go. It was her first holiday season alone. Her entire family moved down there so I told her to go, spend some time during christmas week with them and when you get back, we'll tighten our belt. Make it the last major purchase. Well it was the new year, she still had no job, and wasn't looking for one. I came home from work one day and she announces to me she bought herself a new watch, not a $25watch, I'm talking a couple of hundred. I was floored. I didn't know what to say. It turned into a fight. A few weeks later I come home, she announces she signed up for school. I was happy for her but still insisted she get a job. Something parttime. Never happened. Again, one day I came home and she announces she bought herself a new computer for school. At this point I was like, seriously do I have sucker stamped on my forehead. So we were battling over money, battling over the kids. The fights were getting worse and worse. Finally this past April, I had come home one night from my family's house. Her and her daughter are sitting on our bed doing some kind of craft that she just had to buy yet again. I get the kids to bed and lay down myself. My oldest was in our bathroom cleaning her face and my gf had made a comment about her being in there. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I lost my mind. Regret it now b/c if I just ignored her, this wouldn't be happening. We had a massive fight, it was 2am, we had woken the kids up, they were crying. I told my crew to get an over night bag together. I knew I had to leave the house. The next day I went back to pick some of my stuff up and my gf had informed me she was looking at an apartment. The next day, she had the money to put down on a pretty expensive place, security, downpayment and signed a lease. Never once could she help me when i asked. Ok so its a month later. I'm in a deep depression. We are still in contact, she says she still loves me and wants to be with me. I'll hear from her one day...and a few days will go by before I hear from her again. She will purposely ignore me and text me back days later. We really don't speak much. Its just a hello text here and there. Not normal to me. I told her If we're not going to work it out, I need a total break. Now I just feel like I"m being played with. She sees nothing wrong with what she did. She insists I'm the one who needs help. I've never had such problems with anyother human being in my life. I did whatever I had to do to make this work. My problem is...do I stick around and wait for her to decide or do I walk? This woman is the love of my life. I've never felt this before. We have had a lot of bad times...I'm leaving a lot out but we have had some incredible times and those memories make me fall in love with her all over again each time I think. I've been extremely depressed for the past month. I lost 25lbs, I miss her like crazy. Can't focus on anything and I feel like I'm not being the mom I should be. I am going for therapy but can't snap out of it. I go home and see the emptiness where her stuff once was and I lose it. I feel like I'm heading for a nervous breakdown.

 
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Old 05-05-2009, 12:24 PM   #2
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopelesslyinluv View Post
... This woman is the love of my life. I've never felt this before...
Hi

Can you please elaborate on this? What makes this woman the love of your life? What is so special about her that makes you say you have never felt this before? Does it mean you are sure you can never feel it again for someone else?

 
Old 05-05-2009, 12:28 PM   #3
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

She sounds like a Holy Terror. You don't need this. I say move on. It sounds like she has already moved on. I'm glad that you are seeking therapy. You need time and perspective before you will feel better. I think that continuing on with this volitile relationship will only continue to further hurt you and your children. Love isn't everything.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 12:28 PM   #4
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

I just feel like through the past 7 years I have experienced something with her that was unique and special. I don't know if I can feel this way for another again. If I had to give you a definate answer right now...I would have to say no. With the way I'm feeling now, I don't think I can love another like this again.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 12:30 PM   #5
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

We never think that we can love again after a loss, but most of the time we do.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 01:08 PM   #6
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

I agree with Trystme: with time you will see that you will be able to love again. For all I know, this is a difficult case, in part because of the different temperaments (characters), in part because of the children, in part because of your different personal stories and education, in part maybe because of your astrological charts, in part because she has apparently moved on, in part because of her condition, etc etc.

I understand that the period of time you spent with her was unique and special. You may not be able to experience the very same things again, but certainly you will be able to experience different things with different people, as well.

Not all is lost, however. You still have the memory of those moments. Memory is a precious tool, but memory isn't everything. Mourn as long as you may need to, but don't stop breathing.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 03:44 PM   #7
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

let her go, wish her good riddance and change the locks.....

I've BEEN in a relationship with someone with BPD......and also was married to an unmedicated bi-polar man....

if she has either one of these, this relationship (and any other relationship she has) is doomed......

you didn't break it, you can't fix it......

MOVE ON!!!!! there's nothing to wait for!!!

 
Old 05-05-2009, 04:27 PM   #8
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

When you have a love like this it can feel impossible to find another. Was the whole relationship bad for you children, if not was this the first and biggest break up you have had?

To me it seems you love this woman more than life itself, you have found your soul partner so to speak. I'm not going to be a doomsayer and say get rid or walk away because I feel its not that simple. It's always easier for someone on the outside to read a post and say you have to get rid or they are not good for you thus not having to dig deep and give advice that can help make things right.

Would you say your relationship may of headed to a civil parnership?

I don't know if you have done this but have you read information on her illness? Did you go with her to her appointments to learn more about her bipolar Disorder? Have you shown any support with her condition?

I think may people posting on the bipolar disorder board will disagree that dating them will result in a doomed relationship.

Yes your ex did things she should not of done, she should of got a job she should treat you kids with equal respect, but it has all happened in the last few months and could be because of her bipolar. By the sound of it she suffers from ADD Attention Deficit Disorder too if she gets the treatment she needs she will be back to the person you loved in the start.

I had just read a post about a woman who is having marital problems, she has a string of health issues but has only recently been diagnosed with ADD. With the proper medication she now feel much better like she did when she was 18.

I am saying don't give up, if you really love her find out about her condition. If you do manage to talk to her find out if she is taking the medication, ask if the docs has checked for ADD. Look at your relationship like any other, if you have problems go to councilling and try and work it out.

She sounds like she has tapped her ex for more alomoney thats where she gets the extra splash. He could of got a better paid job or come into money etc.

Just remember you and your kids come first, if you think she has gone down a slippery slope one that you can not make a difference in her life then protect your children and walk away as much as you are hurting.

 
Old 05-11-2009, 08:04 AM   #9
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

I was very in love with my ex, to the point of forgiving her the most horrible things, but now she has gone too far by being unfaithful, and it's really hard for me to let go.

All this time I was so sad thinking that she chose to hurt me so badly, I felt like I didn't deserve it. But you know, talking to friends I could remember how she put my son on risk on several occasions. That opened my eyes, how could I feel sad about myself, knowing that she didn't care about her our son?

Hard as it is for you to focus on your children right now, I believe you owe them the best life possible, and they should be placed first above all your own issues. It's selfish to seek your own well being at your kids' expense.

I know how hard that is, I still feel bad when I have to take care of my kid knowing that she's screwing around, but it isn't his fault. And anyone that doesn't care about my son (even her mom), shouldn't have my respect at all.

It's obvious your couple was too impulsive on the decision to move in with you, and it seems she felt something was lacking. It isn't your fault! Nothing that you did would have changed her mind. You were completely sure about your feelings, maybe she wasn't and it's her issue.

I'd say, move on, find some time to heal and then you'll be able to think clearly and find someone that respects your family and loves you the way you deserve. But try to protect your kids' environment at all costs.

 
Old 05-15-2009, 05:44 AM   #10
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

It's always hard when we feel someone is the love of our life and the relationship is over.

Someone can be the love of your life, for whatever reason, yet they can be toxic for us and no good will ever come of the relationship.

You are feeling so raw right now, betrayed and lost. You need a lot of time, you need no contact with her until you are at least much stronger. You need time to heal your heart, soul and mind.

Your children need time out from this woman and her antics too. Just imagine the mental issues such a volatile relationship could do to your children. They deserve to grow up in a loving and peaceful home.

The best thing you can do is talk about it, don't let it fester. Get counselling or discuss your progress on this board. We might be strangers but i'm sure most of us have been in a relationship which ended and we simply thought we'd never ever recover.

 
Old 05-15-2009, 07:00 AM   #11
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Re: What to do...move on or wait it out?

Why not face this with the attitude of, "I've had a wonderful love, now I know what to look for!" instead of, "I can't ever find that feeling again."

 
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