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Old 05-08-2009, 10:09 PM   #1
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doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

hi all,

i am writing to vent, i suppose. for those of you who know my situation i will spare the recap....well i have left the ex alone. although i miss hanging out with him i think things are better b/c he is not interested in the relationship that i am interested in....so there is one good thing.

the other good thing in my life is my schooling...things seem to be going along smoothly so i am really grateful for that.

however the relationship with my ex ex....we'll actually we don't have a relationship anymore. i KNOW i am better off without him, but i haven't stopped thinking about him nor crying for that matter....i hate him so much but looking forward i can't imagine me life without him. i am NOT happy and i don't know what to do. i am not going to try to get him back into my life....i just don't know how to cope. we are still working together and i have to work with him this sunday and i don't know if i will be able to control my emotions. girls call the lab all the time for him and i am suppose to be strong, put on a nice face, and pretend everything is okay? i know some of you before adviced me to find another job, but that isn't an option right now...i have so much going on and i can bearly find time to sleep.

anyways i have talked to my therapist about this and, as a short term solution, we have talked about what i can do on sunday to avoid confrontation but that doesn't mind that fact that i still care about him even though i hate him for being such an (bad word). anyways i plan on quitting my job in three months or so but until then **sigh* i am not sure how i am going to get through the pain of losing something that i wanted/loved...

 
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Old 05-09-2009, 08:36 AM   #2
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

Perhaps it might help to really focus on a few things -

1) The two of you were not right for each other.
2) He never could have given you what you want and need.
3) You cannot control him or his actions, and there's simply no use fretting
over things you cannot control.

What does your shrink say about just telling him that you're angry and why you're angry? No confrontations, I understand, but what did they have to say on the subject of closure and moving past it? I suppose confronting him wouldn't do any good. Someone once said that anger is a wasted emotion because half the people you're mad at don't know, and the other half don't care. If this guy knew how much he hurt you, I doubt he'd care. It's hard for some of us women to wrap our minds around how mean men can be sometimes, but when it comes to love, romance, emotions and relationships, they just work differently. They have no problem having sex with someone they don't even like, they have no problem lying to your face and telling you they love you, just because they think it's what you want to hear, and then the next day breaking your heart in a million pieces and not being affected at all by how much it hurts us. Even the sweetest, nicest guy in the world, somewhere in his past, has at least one woman he has treated in such a manner. They tend to think "I don't love her, therefore, I don't have to think of her as a human being." Even the greatest guy is that guy with the wrong woman. That's just how they are. You'll be a lot happier once you stop expecting men to be something they just aren't.

This guy is not your best friend. He's not any kind of friend. He's not the love of your life, he's not someone to carry on at all over. He's what I call a "some guy." Barely even an ex. Just some guy who you bumped uglies with for a while, who told you pretty lies, and now it's over, and he's not worth a second thought. You need to stop romanticizing what happened between you in your mind. I think we tend to do that sometimes. Focus too much on the good times, remember them as even better than they actually were, downplay or forget the bad times, the times we had that gnawing feeling in our gut that it wasn't right but ignored it, and imagine it was this great epic love story when it really wasn't. Try to stay clear, focus on reality and what it really was, and wasn't, and be willing to take responsibility for the part you played in this, choosing poorly, wasting too much time and energy on him, loving him for who you hoped he be one day instead of who he really was, etc. I think once you go through this process it will be easier to have to see him, Once you stop feeling like his victim and start seeing him as just a mistake you made once, perhaps it won't be so hard.

 
Old 05-09-2009, 10:24 AM   #3
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

LLM is right. You need to stop putting this loser guy on such a pedastal! He doesn't deserve it! He treated you like crap! You should instead get angry about having been treated that way and for putting up with it as long as you did. And when you see him, instead of wishing and hoping things would change for the better, just look at him with pity that he's so shallow and stupid that he couldn't make a commitment to someone who would have been totally loyal and awesome (I'm of course talking about you).

He's an idiot, pure and simple. What you need to do is change the way you look at guys in these situations. Ever since I started doing this, I don't feel so bad when I get rejected. Online dating has taught me the hardest lesson about rejection, but with this new outlook, it doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. Whenever there's a guy out there who doesn't want to be with you and share a relationship with you (for real, not just a fwb), then you need to look at him and realize he's a stupid moron for not seeing what kind of a great person he is passing up. And it's HIS loss! That's what you need to remember! And don't think of it as being the end of the world just because "some guy" (as LLM put it) doesn't want you. That guy isn't even worthy of you, he doesn't deserve you. And because he doesn't deserve you, instead of crying over him and carrying on like this, be happy that you aren't saddled with some idiot who doesn't deserve to be with you in the first place! Be happy you don't have to put up with him and his disrespect any longer!

 
Old 05-09-2009, 11:38 AM   #4
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

LLM and TIVO are right. I know it does nothing for those irrational emotions that insist on being felt...but I realized that I felt bad BECAUSE OF BEING WITH THIS GUY, not because of being without him! It's true! If this guy never put you through hell, you wouldn't be feeling this way.

I too made the mistake of thinking I could still spend a little time around my ex who cheated on me, thinking that since he'd been in my life for 15 years I had to have some form of contact with him. Wrong! He actually was the one to decide "no contact", but amazingly, he's right. I'd still be stuck on that hamster wheel, thinking I had to see him a couple of times a week just because we used to be connected. And I don't, and it was wrong.

I'm lucky though...I don't ever have to see this guy ever again if I don't want to. If I had to work with him, it would be annoying. If your ex tries to talk to you, tries to convince you to come by for sex, tries to come by yours for sex...tell him no thanks, you've had enough of his manipulation and you don't want him. Even if you have to lie like never before, do NOT let him back in. For me, dignity is important...that's why when my ex e-mailed me like a chicken instead of talking directly to me, my response was a simple "fine". No crying phone calls, no sad, begging e-mails, no stopping by to whine "why???". I have my dignity intact...please hold on to yours, and you will know you are the better person.

 
Old 05-14-2009, 12:30 PM   #5
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

These guys are right, but I would say be careful about getting angry about how you were treated. Yes it does stave off the missing them and all that stuff (which you'll later find out was a total waste of energy), and it does help to realise just how badly someone treated you like crap. Anger though is difficult and can be just as consuming as sadness, particularly if you realise just how much frustration you had previously ignored. Really you have to start enjoying your own life again, but it's hard.

Like RedNeon I got dumped by a chicken**** who wouldn't even pick up the phone and did it all by email. I'm not sad, but I'm mighty hacked off that someone can be so cowardly. Avoid anger.. if you have stuff that you can enjoy it's much better. I feel great when I get the opportunity to have a laugh. It's like finding yourself again. Go for it.

 
Old 05-14-2009, 01:33 PM   #6
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean View Post
... and i have to work with him this sunday and i don't know if i will be able to control my emotions. ...
And what was your last Sunday like? Can you keep us informed?

 
Old 05-14-2009, 03:14 PM   #7
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

It seems like you miss what you "thought" you could of had. If the man was not going to give you what you wanted then he seems like not the man you want. Things like this are so hard I know from experience but the motto "Don't let him see ya sweat" comes to mind.

As hard as it is when you see him Sunday don't let him see any of this bother you. Pretend your above it all and it was his loss even if you don't feel that way. Because in reality it probably was his loss.

Learn from this and don't down yourself because you probably have alot to offer another man that will be so thrilled he found you. If this guy can't appreciate you then it is his loss IMO. Realize your worth and build upon that he will see in time what he let go.

 
Old 05-14-2009, 03:55 PM   #8
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Re: doesn't seem like this gets any easier....

The only person responsible for your happiness is you. You can make that decision every morning to be mad; to be unhappy; to cry; or to be happy for the things you DO have in your life! Think of all the things that make you happy - make a list of them if you have to - and each morning when you wake up look at the list and put a smile on your face. Keep the smile on your face and when you have unhappy thoughts, remind yourself of something on your list. The best revenge in any breakup is happiness. The other person will wonder why you're so happy!

 
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