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Old 05-09-2009, 08:42 PM   #1
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What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

So I'm 22 and i've been dating this girl for a little over a year and a half and we both love each other very much. We're like each others best friend as well as girlfriend/boyfriend. We have no problem talking to each other for hours every day, even several times a day.

This gets long, if you don't want to read it all just read the bold parts

But there seems to be something wrong with me that I can't seem get myself to completely stop doing and it could ruin our relationship. Last night she spent the night at my house for the first time (she's 19 and still lives with her parents, so she can't always just do whatever she wants in her house hold) which was a completely surreal experience since her parents told her they were fine with it. The entire week before last night we were both really excited about staying the night. All day yesterday we were doing really nice things. We went to a really nice restaurant, went dancing (first time dancing ever for me) , then went back to my house.

Now I had never had a girl sleep over before and she had never slept in a bed with anyone before either. Anyways, the night went on, we both fell asleep and woke up the next morning. But when we did she was clearly sad, bummed, upset about something. She told me it was because I make her feel like I don't like her. Where she got this feeling was from last night when we were laying in bed she felt like I wasn't cuddling with her enough, she said I only cuddle with her when I want something. And that she wanted me to hold her while we slept. Then in the morning when we were laying in bed she was lightly touching me on the face and arms and chest and playing with my hair. By the time we got out of bed she was visibly saddened.

Her reasoning's for these feelings are because the whole night she felt like I didn't want to hold her hand, that I was embarrassed to be seen with her, i was unable to stay comfortable holding her while trying to fall asleep, and in the morning when she was touching me I was flinching sometimes, making noises other times and other times would rub where she touched me.

We've kind of had these problems before. She's been my first serious girlfriend and the first girl i've really loved. But because I'm so inexperienced with love you could say I'm still new to the hand holding and touchy feely thing. On top of that I'm like a new born to sleeping in a bed with someone.

I guess you may be thinking that a year and a half is long enough to get use to hand holding and being touchy. But I'm a really slow person to get use to anything and I have a nervous personality. I wouldn't say I'm antisocial by any means, but I do get uncomfortable easily. But she knows this. But what I'm trying to get at is that I feel like I have gotten better at the hand holding thing than I was a year ago, and I felt like I held her hand a lot last night. Then with the touchy feely thing, I really like it when she touches me or plays with my hair, but sometimes honestly, especially when she lightly touches me it makes me itch. So naturally I itch it. Other times I don't like where she touches me, and then when I make a noise when she touches me I do it to try to be "cute and funny".

Apparently none of this comes across to her. What she told me tonight, this morning when I was doing all those thing mentioned above she took it as I don't want her to touch me, that I want to be left alone. She said it gave her a cold feeling that she wasn't wanted. It all really boiled down to I didn't make her feel special. She told me that the first time she spends the night with someone, she really wanted it to be a special moment. Now I feel like I've let her down. But there was no way I could have stayed holding on to her while sleeping, it wasn't very comfortable for very long. Every time I rolled over to get into a comfortable position she would ask me to snuggle her. There was a point when I couldn't keep doing it. Then I had so much trouble sleeping that I was exhausted in the morning while she was mostly rested. So she was awake and wanted to cuddle while I could hardly keep my eyes open for very long for the first few hours this morning. Its like she built sleeping in my bed into this super special moment that I failed to deliver on.

To summarize it all she says I don't make her feel special. She said she doesn't feel like i've grown enough sometimes to have a serious relationship. She said that if she ever has another boyfriend that holds her hand all the time she's going to be in shock by it because she'll be so use to me. We've had this similar conversation before about hand holding and little things like that. Last time I told her I would change, which I believe I have changed some. But apparently it wasn't a big enough change. So I promised her this time would be different and that I really understand what she wants now. But she was so upset tonight that she felt like I was just saying it, and that i've said it before.

I'm already thinking of all the romantic things I can do for her on the vacation and in between then (she also says im not a very romantic person at all). And tomorrow morning I think i'm going to bring her flowers as well as some for her mom being mothers day and all.

I really don't want to loose this girl. Is there something wrong with me though? Is it normal for people to snuggle the entire time in bed? Is it not normal to not hold someones hand the entire time you're out with them, or to not want to show large amounts of public displays of affection? What can I do to improve?

 
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Old 05-10-2009, 04:11 AM   #2
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. This girl has been with you for a long time, she should know how you are. If you are honestly trying to work on things to improve for her, she should know and appreciate that too. If that isnt' good enough for her, she should move on.


I'm sorry, but she sounds very needy, whiny and immature to me. Making a big deal out of holding hands the entire night? And no one can cuddle the entire night and also get any sleep. She sounds like a 16 yr. old schoolgirl.

She would drive me nuts.....better make sure you can handle all the upkeep this girls going to require. She has a lot of growing up to do.

 
Old 05-10-2009, 04:57 AM   #3
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

She sounds to me like she's living in a dream world. I'm assuming you are her first real boyfriend. I bet she's starting to think the old "I bet there's something better out there"...but what she will find is most men don't hold hand and cuddle at all or if they do cuddle you better bet they want something! I think she's been watching too many romantic movies or something? Who the heck can hold hands all night? My husband is very cuddly but even we roll over and say goodnight when it's time to fall asleep on most nights. I can't sleep holding hands.

Maybe she's beginning to start thinking she's going to find something better...but I bet if you break up, she'll come running back to you (or trying to anyway).
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 05-10-2009 at 04:58 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2009, 05:24 AM   #4
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

I agree withthe others. No one holds hands ALL the time when they are out. Usually, when I have been with a bf out in public, we hold hands when walking around like at the mall or whatever. But if we're in a store or eating at a restaurant or any number of other things then no. There's no reason to have to ALWAYS be holding hands!

And as for the cuddling thing, most people can't fall asleep that way. So the compromise most people have is that they cuddle for a little while and then when it's time to fall asleep, say good night and roll over to a comfy position. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that!!

I can't believe she is making you feel bad about that stuff! What a high maintenance immature girlfriend you've got there! She must not have ANY dating experience if she thinks these things are true! I think you should have a talk with her about it and tell her that you're doing the best that you can to keep in mind what she says but that most normal people aren't as obsessive compulsive about that stuff as SHE is!

No really though, I can't believe she is making you feel bad about this. That's just not right. Are you sure you want to saddle yourself with such a high maintenance and immature girl? You could probably do much better. She really sounds whiny and clingy. That's so unattractive!

 
Old 05-10-2009, 05:50 AM   #5
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

I'd like to add another comment about holding hands. OK so my husband and I are "hand holders", we hold hands all the time when we are at the mall or whatever. But let me tell you, we are the oddballs for sure. We seldom ever see any other couples holding hands. I'd say that when we go to the mall, we may see two other couples holding hands. If we go walking at the bike path...same thing, almost no couples hold hands.
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Old 05-10-2009, 10:45 AM   #6
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

I think girls who want all the "PDFs" want the world to know they have a boyfriend. Why is that necessary?

As for the cuddling during sleep, my now ex is a super cuddler and I never got any sleep! He'd throw his leg over right on my bladder or something, or he'd smack me in the eye while throwing his arm over. And I couldn't get him to move no matter what! Or he'd insist I cuddle him and he's bigger than me, so that wasn't comfortable either...I mean, it was sweet, but it took me a good year before I even got a few hours of sleep with him! When I lived with him, I was exhausted the entire time. I had to go get a hotel room for myself one night just so I could sleep. So while it sounds all nice & romantic, it's just not practical.

Why is your girlfriend focusing on all this superficial stuff? If you love her, treat her well, why does she need the world to see you two holding hands?

 
Old 05-13-2009, 09:55 AM   #7
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

The next day after I made this I talked to her and sent her some flowers (which was something I had never done for her before) and doing things to show her I do think she's special. And it worked.

Some of you say she sounds immature and like I'm her first boyfriend. I think its actually the other way around, despite how my post made her sound she's one of the most mature people I know. She acts far older than her age. And she's the one thats had a couple boyfriends before me, I'm the one thats had only one girlfriend, and that was way back in the early years of high school.

I think she had gotten use to having her last boyfriend (whom she recently found out that boyfriend was secretly gay while dating her) be too touchy and she was the one that had to tell him to stop sometimes. And after about a year with him I think maybe she started to think that's how its suppose to be.

I have a feeling what it was is that she had built this moment of sleeping in a bed with someone you love into this super special romantic lovey dovey moment. And when it didn't turn out to be that she became upset which led to her talking about other things that are bothering her. I think she does realize I love her, she's just a very emotional person and when something disappointments her or makes her sad she goes all out on the feelings.

Last edited by Giant_Squid; 05-13-2009 at 09:57 AM.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 11:00 AM   #8
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

It sounds like she needs to be more realistic. She had a gay bloke be very touchy with her. Perhaps he was overcompensating for his being "secretly gay". Ok, so she may have liked it, but women tend not to feel threatened by gay men so if she had even a hint of it, she simply may have felt more comfortable with him being all touchy because she wouldn't have felt threatened by him. Especially if he was as camp as a row of tents I digress!

She also needs to realise, as others have said that you can't hold hands all night. People move a hell of a lot in their sleep. Only once have I ever fallen asleep cuddling someone and woken still cuddling them and that was because we were both exhausted. Normally cuddling just gets too hot, or you get a dead arm or uncomfortable. I can see where the others are coming from with their clingy criticisms of her.

Also, I think you might need to think about how you communicate with her. Rather than simply grunting if you don't like her touching somewhere, tell her where you DO like being touched. She needs to learn where feels nice and where doesn't, and if she doesn't know (which she doesn't seem to) the chances are she's probably not very self-aware of her own body either. Maybe you can learn from each other.

She needs to address her insecurities/unrealistic expectations and you need to try and chill out more. She needs to look for other signs that you are happy to be seen with her, not the select few that she has in mind. But don't, whatever you do, jump through hoops trying to please her. She does sound a little ungrateful to pick on things she didn't like instead of all the good things that happened in your evening.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 01:49 PM   #9
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Re: What is wrong with me, why can't I seem to do anything right?

No offense but she sounds like a pain in the ***. She may be mature with some things but not relationship wise IMO. Maybe she wanted sex? Hard to tell but I don't know too many people that "snuggle" ALL night. LOL That is before people sleep IMO.

I personally can't sleep with somone draped all over me and most people I know can't either. The hand holding thing seems strange also. I like holding hands with women I date but does she want you to hold it 24/7? I don't get it. She sounds like she needs constant reassurance for something? She might be worried you will turn out gay and is trying to overcompensate the PDA ect... to see.

You did not do anything wrong from what you posted so the only thing I would say is to talk with her about it and explain its a little too much and the passive aggresive stuff needs to go.

 
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