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Old 05-13-2009, 08:25 AM   #1
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"To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

I wonder why people ususally tend to give short statements that are designed to "make you feel better", after a breakup. I have heard a lot of them, since my breakup, and though I appreciate people's attempt to "make me feel better", I have to wonder how good/true most of them are. I won't get into the statements from my "religious friends", because that's a completely different matter (and is being discussed on boards of a religious nature). However, here are a few examples:

"She's out there, waiting for you to come along."...[This notion isn't assured.]

"She's trying to get here as fast as she can."...[Rather "fairy tale-ish".]

"That just means that there is someone better for you out there."...[This notion isn't assured, either.]

"See, you were able to attract a girl."...[this one is harder to hear because, though I may HAVE attracted her, I just as quickly lost her, because I wasn't good enough for her].

"Take some time out for to get to know yourself as a single person." ...[I've had years of "getting to know that person".]

I could go on, but the point it, . . . why don't people just say, "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm here for you." I only had one or two people say that to me, . . . and to be honest, it was they were the most helpful to me. To be honest, the LEAST helpful. . . . have been the "religious friends", . . .again not a topic for this board.

What is YOUR opinion on such statements? I know that there is some level of truth to each of them, so I am not completely rejecting them, . . . just offering my take on such things.
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Old 05-13-2009, 08:36 AM   #2
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

LOL I keep getting "he was a jerk and didn't treat you right, why aren't you over him yet?" Keep in mind we split 3 weeks ago and had been together for 4 years. Apparently since he was a jerk to me, causing the breakup, my feelings for him should disappear in a puff of smoke instantly. Would that it could be that way!

Fortunately I do have some great supportive friends (one in particular and she knows who she is), but I find that most of them lose patience with hearing about my breakup, so I can't mention it anymore even though it's been on my mind. I politely told those friends that I am working on it in a way that I know is best for me, and since I'm not sitting in a dark room with the covers over my head crying and starving myself over him, I think I'm doing pretty good. But they want me to "get over it!".

I know they mean well, so I don't get truly angry, just a little frustrated...but I know they love me and I love them.

Sometimes, your friends don't quite know the right thing to say, but they are trying. At least they care enough to try, even if it's not quite what you need right now.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 08:41 AM   #3
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post

I could go on, but the point it, . . . why don't people just say, "Yeah, that really sucks. I'm here for you." I only had one or two people say that to me, . . . and to be honest, it was they were the most helpful to me. To be honest, the LEAST helpful. . . . have been the "religious friends", . . .again not a topic for this board.

What is YOUR opinion on such statements? I know that there is some level of truth to each of them, so I am not completely rejecting them, . . . just offering my take on such things.
EDC - that really sucks, I'm here for ya bro......

Although you think people may be saying that stuff JUST to make you feel better, there is some truth to what they're saying too....

 
Old 05-13-2009, 08:57 AM   #4
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

They are just trying to make you feel better. It is all with good intentions and well meaning. Just take everything that people say with a grain of salt.

When things have happened to me, I tend not to tell anyone that isn't super close to me, that way I don't have to hear any comments.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 09:24 AM   #5
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

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Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
LOL I keep getting "he was a jerk and didn't treat you right, why aren't you over him yet?" Keep in mind we split 3 weeks ago and had been together for 4 years. Apparently since he was a jerk to me, causing the breakup, my feelings for him should disappear in a puff of smoke instantly. Would that it could be that way!

Fortunately I do have some great supportive friends (one in particular and she knows who she is), but I find that most of them lose patience with hearing about my breakup, so I can't mention it anymore even though it's been on my mind. I politely told those friends that I am working on it in a way that I know is best for me, and since I'm not sitting in a dark room with the covers over my head crying and starving myself over him, I think I'm doing pretty good. But they want me to "get over it!".

I know they mean well, so I don't get truly angry, just a little frustrated...but I know they love me and I love them.

Sometimes, your friends don't quite know the right thing to say, but they are trying. At least they care enough to try, even if it's not quite what you need right now.
You are so right. The "get over it" has been said to me more than I care to hear, . . . and it is the worst thing to say, in my opinion. It is as if we can just shut our brains off of what happened and start smiling, joking, and acting normal at the snap of a finger.

I am sorry for what you're going through. You know I can empathize. And like you, I feel that my friends and family are [also] getting tired of my depression and talks. Too bad people can't persevere WITH someone in pain, huh?

*hugs*
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:25 AM   #6
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

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EDC - that really sucks, I'm here for ya bro......

Although you think people may be saying that stuff JUST to make you feel better, there is some truth to what they're saying too....
Thanks for the "that really sucks, I'm here for ya", rosequartz. A part of me finds little solice in what they say, . . . yet the other part holds out for that glimmer of hope that what they are saying will happen.

Anyway, thanks for being there for me. *hugs*
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:27 AM   #7
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

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Originally Posted by trystme View Post
They are just trying to make you feel better. It is all with good intentions and well meaning. Just take everything that people say with a grain of salt.

When things have happened to me, I tend not to tell anyone that isn't super close to me, that way I don't have to hear any comments.
Yes, it really is their good intentions. Most people have had breakups, and have gotten over them IN TIME. I wonder how they felt, soon after a breakup, . . . and how well such phrases helped them? Maybe I'm just a tougher audience, so to speak.
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:31 AM   #8
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

don't focus so much on the phrases, but on the people who are trying to make you feel better! They care about you, sometimes maybe they can't find the right words. They're trying to comfort you, that's what's important.....not so much what they say, but how they say it.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 10:16 AM   #9
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

They're just trying to be nice instead of saying with they really want to say!
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Old 05-13-2009, 10:36 AM   #10
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
You are so right. The "get over it" has been said to me more than I care to hear, . . . and it is the worst thing to say, in my opinion. It is as if we can just shut our brains off of what happened and start smiling, joking, and acting normal at the snap of a finger.

I am sorry for what you're going through. You know I can empathize. And like you, I feel that my friends and family are [also] getting tired of my depression and talks. Too bad people can't persevere WITH someone in pain, huh?

*hugs*
EDC, I think most people truly just don't know what to say or do. They are trying to be helpful, in my case by pointing out what a jerk this guy is and how I'm better off without him. I have said that my brain knows this, but my emotions are lagging a bit behind. I will get there, I just know that 3 weeks isn't enough time to "get over" a 4 year relationship. But I also know I won't feel bad forever, and that life holds more chances for me. It does for you too.

Just keep reminding yourself that this is temporary and you will feel better someday soon. Accept your pain, allow yourself to feel it, then when you're ready, you can go on with your life.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 10:42 AM   #11
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

Hi EDC, I agree such phrases really don't help. I'm sure they mean well, and I'm sure they're right in ways. After all, most people can relate to the idea that if you meet someone new and amazing you'll feel great and nothing that went before will matter.

Personally I find statements like "move on", "find someone else and get your card stamped" really don't help. Going out and having something casual isn't going to make me feel better. Maybe it's a typical bloke thing, but it's not my thing. It's like people really expect you to just switch off, be all smiles and laughs, and carry on like life's great. In many ways it is of course, but now you have to find your feet again and it's easy for outsiders to say "hey do this". I've had friends dispense such advice who absolutely went to pieces. In many ways I think people just don't know what to say. That and it's possible to exceed what they can tell you to help.

Advice can be like that. Things that can't be resolved with a quick solution can overrun the repertoire of advice that friends can give. Then they're left with nothing else that they can say. That can be bad because then you can be pretty much on your own to deal with things and then it seems to take longer because you haven't got the outlets for it. Make sense?

 
Old 05-13-2009, 11:24 AM   #12
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

Thanks all. Yes, the bottom line really is that they do care, want to help, are not sure HOW to help, thus can only come up with these "stock quotes" that have been given [probably for centuries].

"He's a jerk and you're better off without him".

"She seems so controling, and wouldn't it be miserable for you if you were married to her?"

These are legitimate statements, . . . . . but they don't alieviate the pain. In time, the thought may give you solace in the fact. For instance, for me, . . . she probably WOULD continue to be controlling, always griping at things that hold no LIFE purpose. But she was in my life, . . . we also shared good experiences, . . . and it was someone who [other than friends/family] decided to take an interest in you, yes including the physical aspects, which are important. Having "the physical", then loosing it, is hard for those who long for someone to be close, . . . so all these statements, though have truth, don't help with the healing, . . . .. . . .and again I would just wish that those who care about us . . . would persevere WITH us as we walk through the darkness. Sometimes, being that type of servant is better than "pep talks".

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Old 05-13-2009, 01:10 PM   #13
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

I agree these blanket statements are kind of nonsense. It's the peoples empathy and good intentions that should be focused on. IMO people don't know what to say because there is nothing that can be said to really give any help in the situation. IMO it's sort of like a death people all say "I'm sorry" or "they lived a full life" ect.. although it may be true it does not really alleviate the pain.

The fact is the "truth" is probably something that no one in that situaion wants to hear. Like "yeah she screwed you over" or something similiar. The fact is you can't make logical sense out of love and breakups. Sometimes there is no reason it just happened.

I also don't think that lines saying someone better is out there or putting on rose colored glasses is helpful either. Pain and loss are part of life and usually not easily explained or comforted away. There are no guarantees that things will be better just different. What you do with that pain and how you overcome it determines what happens IMO.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 01:45 PM   #14
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

Yeah, in religious circles, . . . the phrase "God has someone better for you" comes up a lot, . . . the notions is that, the person you were with wasn't who God wanted for you, and that who IS will be better than the previous. Again, it is just a phrase that has no guarantee of "better" at all. "Different", most definitely. . . only because no two people are exactly alike. But no, I have not found any of the comments themselves to aleviate the pain, and only trust in "TIME" for it to happen.

I do not like the place I'm in [emotional place]. I wish I had a successful relationship, but I don't. I may never. For someone like me, who really wants TO find someone, . . . it is a very hard place to be. She may show up in my life tomorrow. It may be never. I MAY get to the place where I am okay with it, . . . but I may not. I won't settle with someone I'm not really interested in, though. To be with someone that really ISN'T for you is worse than singleness. Like I said, . . . I'm in a hard place.
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Old 05-13-2009, 02:18 PM   #15
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Re: "To make you feel better" phrases, after a breakup?

It's a crock. I'm in a similar place. I think just try and remember that friends etc. mean well. I reckon in time I'll find someone else, and she'll have better qualities than because I'll have learnt what works better for me. Or I hope so anyway. In the mean time, leaving it to time is kind of a pain in itself cos I'm conscious of the time from my life that's been wasted on something that went nowhere.

If others wish to believe that "god" has someone lined up for you, wouldn't it be nice if they gave him a prod and asked him to get on with it? Seriously though, I think that's the worst kind of flannel to tell someone because it's not even trying to help - it's just leaving it up to some mysterious force rather than being constructive. Just my view.

 
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