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Old 05-14-2009, 07:45 PM   #1
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Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

I've been married 3 years to a great guy but within the past month, have gotten close to a male co-worker who is engaged. To make a long story short, we talk at work about 1-3 hours a day over the phone or face-to-face. No flirting whatsoever, but we talk about everything from our past relationships to where we like to shop.

Problem is, I've developed feelings for him, both emotionally and physically. I think about him constantly and cannot wait to go to work to talk to him. So yeah, obvoiusly this isn't good because it's affecting my relationship with my husband. I no longer look forward to spending time with him and I don't feel as close to him as I used to.

I don't know what I should do. It is impossible to cut off contact with this person due to our jobs so should I just try and decrease contact and hope that this 'phase' passes? Should I tell this person how I feel and see what he says? I think he may have feelings for me too just by the way he looks at me and the interest he shows in me, but I know he would NEVER be the first to admit this to me out of respect for his fiance and the fact that I am married.

What's so confusing is that I don't even know what I want out of this. I get sad when I won't see or talk to him over the weekend (we only talk at work) but it's not like I want to end up with this guy or anything.
I'm just really confused.

 
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Old 05-15-2009, 01:28 AM   #2
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

Hi,
This kind of thing happens to people a lot because of the thrill of making a new close friend and connecting with a new attractive person.

But unless you want to hurt a lot of people and have a lot of regret, the best thing to do is stay away from the guy at work. Don't call him or go out of your way to spend time with him. If he asks why you're suddenly being distant, just say you have things going on in your personal life and need space.

If you find you continue to harm your marriage over this, it'd probably be a good idea to quit your job. It's just a job- not more important than your marriage.

Go home to your husband and plan some fun dates you can have together so you can reconnect. Refocus your new energy on re-energizing your marriage. Take a long weekend out-of-town together, plan some romantic things...

If your martial problems continue, try relationship counseling. Remember you didn't just vow to be faithful to your husband only when the times were good. You vow "for better or worse" because marriages take work...

There will always be temptations, and this doesn't make you a bad person, and it's normal, but you deal with them by refocusing on your marriage and figuring out how to make it strong again.

And considering this guy is engaged to someone else, he is definitely off limits.

Good luck to you!!

 
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Old 05-15-2009, 12:01 PM   #3
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

In principle I would agree with Plasmodium - stay away from this guy as much as possible - , but at the same time I don't think this is an easy case, although again it is relatively common. The real problem here, as far as I can see, are not your feelings for this guy, but your "boredom" with your husband. It doesn't seem your marriage is being great and pleasurable enough, although you say you are married to a great guy. How great is he actually?

In your opinion, what could be done to improve your marriage situation? What does each of you - your husband and you - have to do to avoid a greater boredom and a possible dissolution?

Focusing on this other guy is not the best solution, though it may look like the easiest. Rather than focusing on the outside focus on your inside, that is, on your marriage. A good question to begin with is: What projects in your marriage are being delayed or not being carried on?

Last edited by pendulum; 05-15-2009 at 12:02 PM.

 
Old 05-15-2009, 01:12 PM   #4
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

Why aren't you putting that energy you have for this guy into your husband of only 3 years....He is the one that deserves it don't you think? Not to mention you are wasting your employers money with 1 to 3 hours of idle chit chat that shouldn't even be happening. I think you are looking for someone to tell you this is okay and it is not. It is not okay for you to treat your husband with such disrespect. Can you imagine how good a marriage you might have if you put that much energy into it? Find a good counselor to talk to and see why on earth you need so much attention from another guy.

 
Old 05-19-2009, 05:11 PM   #5
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal View Post
I've been married 3 years to a great guy but within the past month, have gotten close to a male co-worker who is engaged. To make a long story short, we talk at work about 1-3 hours a day over the phone or face-to-face. No flirting whatsoever, but we talk about everything from our past relationships to where we like to shop.

Problem is, I've developed feelings for him, both emotionally and physically. I think about him constantly and cannot wait to go to work to talk to him. So yeah, obvoiusly this isn't good because it's affecting my relationship with my husband. I no longer look forward to spending time with him and I don't feel as close to him as I used to.

I don't know what I should do. It is impossible to cut off contact with this person due to our jobs so should I just try and decrease contact and hope that this 'phase' passes? Should I tell this person how I feel and see what he says? I think he may have feelings for me too just by the way he looks at me and the interest he shows in me, but I know he would NEVER be the first to admit this to me out of respect for his fiance and the fact that I am married.

What's so confusing is that I don't even know what I want out of this. I get sad when I won't see or talk to him over the weekend (we only talk at work) but it's not like I want to end up with this guy or anything.
I'm just really confused.
Do what your going to anyway and leave your husband and get with the new "interest" LOL. No sense in dragging out your husbands future pain any longer than need be. Be honest with him that you broke your vows and what you have done(emotional affair anyone). Don't lie it just makes you all the more dispicable.

This is the type of thing I post about regarding good men getting screwed and here is a prime example. Instead of bringing this to your husband early, cutting contact with "romeo from the job" you play this Soap Opera game. You wanted the attention from romeo and disrecpted and lied to your husband who you promised to Love, Honor and Cherish LOL!

Instead of putting energy in your marriage you play these junior high love triangle games. When did women remain girls and not graduate to women?

No wonder many men don't want marriage anymore look at what we deal with.

 
Old 05-19-2009, 05:35 PM   #6
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

There will always be attractive people in the world. You will sometimes be attracted to them, and your body will want to be near them. Don't be fooled it won't last. Even if you got with the new guy, eventually another new guy would come along. A real commitment means telling yourself "no" even when you are attracted, and putting effort into your current partner. Stop fantasizing about whether he's attracted to you also, and wondering if he's going to say it first. Drop it. and like plasmodiumovale says "But unless you want to hurt a lot of people and have a lot of regret, the best thing to do is stay away from the guy at work. Don't call him or go out of your way to spend time with him. If he asks why you're suddenly being distant, just say you have things going on in your personal life and need space." Except don't tell him that, tell him YOUR MARRIED, and you love your husband, and to stay away. do NOT skirt the issue.

Or do what you seem to want us to tell you to do. Have an affair or leave your husband. Your choice.

 
Old 05-19-2009, 06:37 PM   #7
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

Make a list of all the things that made you fall in love with your husband. All the things that you used to do. Then figure out what you can do to bring back those feelings. You made a promise when you married this man and you owe him every effort to keep the marriage strong. Marriage is work and there will be highs and lows. As anyone who has been married for 50, 60 years and they will tell you that there were definitely times they would like to have walked away. But they stuck it out, made the effort to bring back the passion, created a history together.

Work on it. You will find it's worth it in the end.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 06:38 AM   #8
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnD View Post
Why aren't you putting that energy you have for this guy into your husband of only 3 years....He is the one that deserves it don't you think? Not to mention you are wasting your employers money with 1 to 3 hours of idle chit chat that shouldn't even be happening. I think you are looking for someone to tell you this is okay and it is not. It is not okay for you to treat your husband with such disrespect. Can you imagine how good a marriage you might have if you put that much energy into it? Find a good counselor to talk to and see why on earth you need so much attention from another guy.
Amazing post! I agree completely. Marriage is hard work, flirting is easy and exciting.

Just get this into your head, you are having a fun time, but going further will just hurt your husband to no end. When things gets complicated in a marriage, it might seem that your husband is too worried about other stuff and he's probably neglecting you. It probably is that way, but he surely doesn't mean to hurt you, and there are ways to fix that. And if nothing works, then end your marriage, take some time to be alone and then start a new relationship. Anything else will cause more pain to you and your husband.

Find a way to not take your husband for granted, and that he feels the same. But cheating is not an option.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 06:46 AM   #9
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Re: Married, interested in someone else and need advice..

The thing that people don't seem to understand is that when they get married, sure things get boring sometimes and they aren't always as new and fresh as they were in the beginning. That's when the part about marrying your best friend comes in. That's why you should marry someone with whom you have the best communication ever and you shouldn't settle for anything else otherwise don't get married in the first place.

You really need to work on your marriage. It's different when you're dating, you can leave the person and it's not that big of a deal because a divorce isn't involved. But when you're married, you take vows and you make promises that are meant to be honored. You can't just give up because someone more interesting came along. It would be different if your husband was abusing you or cheating on you. But now you're the one cheating on him. By all rights he could leave you now and you'd be the problem and the reason why.

I've seen too many of my friends, both women and men, get cheated on in their marriage only to watch it fall apart. I really have no sympathy for the cheater or for the people they are cheating with. It's so stupid, so completely unnecessary. The right thing to do is to first of all try to work on the marriage and remember why you got married in the first place. And if that doesn't work then decide both if you want to stay married. Go on from there. But this cheating business just needs to stop. It's completely out of control and too many people are engaging in it. It makes me wonder what the hell ever happened to morals and values in this world!

 
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