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Old 05-19-2009, 04:02 PM   #1
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Growing older with a porn addict

Iíve been married for many, many years. Over the course of our marriage my husband has been addicted to porn. The first year we were married we had a very active sex life. After he started watching porn our sex life came to a halt. His whole attitude towards me changed. Apparently heíd masturbate for many hours at a time Lots of time he would go without sleep. I eventually left, but after a year of exhausting begging I relented and we got back together. We tried incorporating porn into our mutual sex life together. He began treating me with much more respect, and kindness. He still had a very compulsive nature about the way he approached porn. Years later I stopped watching porn because I hated how it desensitized me (us both) towards sex, but let him continue watching it. Also I noticed how it totally infiltrated ones consciousness; you start seeing this stuff all the time. It becomes a part of you.

Now years later, his porn collection is enormous. Heís still nice to me, but heís very critical of womenís appearances, almost like heís comparing EVERY woman to a porn star. He acts like seeing a woman over a certain age makes him physically ill. It disgusts me that heís masturbating to girls barely older then our daughter. I wonder how he sees her friends. I think my son is probably a porn addict now also, because my husband put a computer in his bedroom as soon as my son was 13, and we had a problem of my son staying up all night on it. He still does to this day---heís 19.

I canít talk to my husband about sexual fantasies because of his compulsive nature he just beats the subject to death. We have sex when I ask, because we both know itís just for me, though this is one of subject we barely speak of. Weíre friends, and get along very well. He is a wonderful provider.

Basically, Iím at a crossroads in my life. I love him, and heís good to me, but I truly do not want to grow old with a porn addict. I think most men are now days because of the internet, though I couldnít prove it. Iím a middle aged woman that wants to grow old with some digniy . Are there any older women who have dealt with this? Do you know of any support groups for spousesóespecially something not Christian based?

 
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Old 05-19-2009, 05:46 PM   #2
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

My ex-husband was also a porn addict, tho I don't think quite to the extent of yours. Your husband sounds more like a sex addict to whom porn is readily available maybe. Tho I'm not an expert by far. And I know how very hard this is for you to talk about!!

We had numerous high school exchange students (15-18), all girls, and my entire family complained to me numerous times that his behavior with them seemed inappropriate. Not that he ever tried to have sex with them or anything, but the teasing and wrestling and water fights - always finding a way to touch them. So yes, I'd be concerned about how your husband views his daughter's friends!

My ex used his addiction as a tool against me - "I wouldn't have to look at the porn if you were a better wife" type of attitude. Of course, after going to counseling to work on the marital problems, he only became more secretive. I'm sure he still sits at his computer day in and day out with his porn as his only company.

I don't know of any porn support groups, but there are sex addict support groups. Maybe you could google sex support groups in your city and see what's out there? I'm very sorry that this has possibly filtered down to your son. I hope he has learned to respect women and treat them with care.

Good luck!

 
Old 05-19-2009, 06:30 PM   #3
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

Thank yu for your understanding and kind words, BigRed54.
I'm curious why you think it sounds more like sexual addiction? He really seems to prefer masturbation over real sex. The "please your wife sex" is definitely nothing to brag about.

He does behave himself about her friends and has never said anything inappropriate towards them. When you've lived with this, it's hard not to second guess a lot of things, so it's me. It just creeps me out some knowing that the girls in the movies are so young, and not much older then my daughter & her friends.

One of my biggest fears is that when I have finally lost every bit of attractiveness and have no hope ever of ever finding someone else, then he'll stop being kind to me, go into his selfish fog, and drop all affection. I'm just scared.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 04:48 AM   #4
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

I say get out now. Why settle for this for a minute longer. It has already gone on too long. There are men out there who aren't addicted to porn. I'd say that only a small percentage of men are addicted to porn. You can find someone who loves you for you and who wants to be with you.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 07:22 AM   #5
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

RE: sexual addiction - that comment was because it sounded like he thought about this a LOT and did this a lot. Without living in the situation, I cannot make any assumptions, so don't go on what I say!!!

I'm certainly glad that he seems to have good boundaries as far as your daughter and her friends. Sometimes with porn addiction, the boundaries get blurred and all females begin to become lumped into one category.

My ex had CDs full of pictures of "teens", and of women of all ages (well, up to probably 35). He did the webcam sites. He even got into a site once that started charging our credit card. Of course, when the charge appeared he blamed me - since everything was always my fault. I called the number on the charge and they told me they were a clearing house for several porn sites. He still tried to blame me, but I demanded they take off the charge and put our card on a no-charge list.

I tend to agree that if the marriage is not meeting all your needs, you should serioulsy think about getting out and making a life. I am 55 and have a new boyfriend who treats me wonderfully. I'm amazed at the difference in what I was settling for and what I have now! But I was (and am) prepared to live my life alone if need be. The toll on me was way too great - lack of self-worth, lack of good sex, being put down constantly, etc. etc. I'm SO much happier now!

 
Old 05-20-2009, 10:05 AM   #6
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

Bless you bigred, I'm so hungry for someone to talk to about this. I truly need a local support group or something. Your understanding is so helpful.

Yes, he has boundaries with my daughter, but that also means she hasn't had a hug from him in 10 years---she's 15. It hurts her, and I rather think i know why he doesn't, but I can't explain it to her. The thought of talking about it with my children is so difficult.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 10:18 AM   #7
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

You made all the concessions for him and you've started to lose yourself in the process. Now it sounds like you have a son that does the same thing. This must be terribly hard for you.

He's not going to change and as you said - you have to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You shouldn't ever have to fear what you fear now - that at a certain age you will become redundant and not worthy.

I would leave and find someone that you can become yourself with again - someone who will meet you halfway and someone that you can respect.

Last edited by cathy1; 05-20-2009 at 10:19 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 10:29 AM   #8
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

Quote:
Originally Posted by cathy1 View Post
You made all the concessions for him and you've started to lose yourself in the process. Now it sounds like you have a son that does the same thing. This must be terribly hard for you.

He's not going to change and as you said - you have to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You shouldn't ever have to fear what you fear now - that at a certain age you will become redundant and not worthy.

I would leave and find someone that you can become yourself with again - someone who will meet you halfway and someone that you can respect.
TY Cathy. And it is hard. I must say SO FAR, my son definitely has more respect for women then my husband ever did. I think some of his (my son's) addiction is just playing on the computer, and some sexual. I don't know. And I do not feel I can talk to him about it. I don't know where to turn.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 10:38 AM   #9
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

Find a therapist that you can talk to about this. It will help you sort out your feelings, which in turn will help you come to a decision. When people bend themselves to please another to the point where they lose themselves, they have to remove themselves to find themselves again. Therapy will give you that starting place to sort this out. Porn has become as big a part of your life as having breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's a staple in your home - and you've reached the decision that you probably have always really felt all along - that you never really wanted it there.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 10:43 AM   #10
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

"You made all the concessions for him and you've started to lose yourself in the process. "

Not always making all the concessions, I did my share of acting out. Sometimes to get intimacy elsewhere and sometimes just to hurt him. Anyone looking at our marriage from the outside would probably consider everything all my fault. His friends think I"m a horrible B****h, and I've let guilt stop me from bringing the issue up again. I was sooooooooo disappointed in myself for giving into him. I wanted him to hurt for making me stay in this marriage. I wanted power back.
AND he was trying to be a good husband (while still never giving up his addiction). Ugh, I hate feeling this way. Tomorrow I go to the doctor for the depression that's overcoming me. I think i'm going to ask they recommend a counselor.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 01:25 PM   #11
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

Kudos to you for recognizing that there were two involved in the problems. So many times we want to blame the other!

I'm glad you are going to see a doctor. I was sent to a counselor by my boss at the time (an attorney) and it made a HUGE difference! I took Celexa and was able to think clearly for the first time in years! My counselors both told me that I needed to end the relationship but I did not listen to them at the time, still being optimistic. Plus there is always the fear of being alone and the fear that "he needs me" and just can't live without me. (Or maybe that's not a fear but a hope!)

Anyway, the point is that you need to listen to your counselor - after being brutally honest with him/her. You also need to be sure that you like your counselor - trust and a good relationship are essential in counseling. Good luck! I hope you make strides in getting to wherever it is you ultimate decide to be.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 02:21 PM   #12
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

When I started reading your thread I thought you were about 65-68 years old. But from the ages of your children, I think you are much younger.

It feels like your belief that all men are addicted to porn helps to rationalize why you stay where you are.

You are still young. You have a lot of life left to be lived. Don't be afraid to step out and try for a better life. Don't become old before your time.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 02:51 PM   #13
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

I'm trying to mend a broken heart so this post really got to me. It's a distraction but something I feel quite passionate about. The internet has made porn so available now. I think in a very bad way. I wish they'd get rid of it. I really do. Or at least...cut it out. If..we can find a way to educate young women about taking their clothes off and allowing themselves to stop being so objectified that would be a start. But you've got the creepy people in power who lure them in with promises. It's really sad and disgusting. I dated a "sex addict" a couple of years ago and I didn't realize it at the time..but he eventually showed himself through his actions. My advice to you is to GET OUT and never look back. He won't change. He won't. And it may only get worse. Men who look at porn continually and expect real women to behave and look like porn stars are rare. The ones that act like that are not worth a second of your energy.

Move on. It doesn't matter if he is the father of your children..if he is a good provider. He's really sick. Life is too short to waste another minute of your time with him. Just my opinion.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 03:52 PM   #14
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

BigRed54, MyJoyAsa, and Laye,
It took me a bit to reply back after reading your responses. I was sure after admitting my part in it, that everyone would tell me how horrible I was. And I lost it, i rarely cry, but I totally started breaking down. Thank you for being so compassionate, I've dealt with this so long. It feels so good to have someone on my side.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 04:02 PM   #15
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Re: Growing older with a porn addict

It just makes me downright angry to see how pornography has gotten so common place in our society and so acceptable. Porn used to be a stack of PB magazines stashed under a bed and the occasional rental at the XXX video store! But now men just think it's no biggy to sit in front of a stupid computer all day and watch people have sex. News flash men...it ain't OK! Porn has become the scourge of our society IMHO!
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*I rest my case!*

 
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