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Old 05-19-2009, 10:04 PM   #1
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confusing signals from men - your input please

So I posted on here after I slept w/ a guy on the third date and didn't hear back from him. I let it go about 10 days and then let him know that I didn't appreciate his behavior and he answered me immediately saying that he didn't mean it and thought I would contact him, which I did but he hadn't answered. Anyway he promptly came over to see me and things have been good but weird since then because he sends really mixed signals that make me feel insecure and weird but I suspect he's the insecure one and definitely want your input.

We live about 2 hours apart so he spent a day and night w/ me and then invited me the next weekend to visit him and double date w/ one of his friends that wanted to check me out. We had a fantastic sat. and sun. , god our chemistry is amazing, the physical connection is so strong and the conversation is deep and to the point. We spent all day sunday in bed til late then walked around town where we ran into various of his exes. He talks a whole lot about all of the women he dated and that his town is small and that he wanted to warn me that we will run into many of his exes. He tells me that one still emails him and he told her to bugger off. He seems to have slept with every woman that is now his friend. He talks a lot about the exes and how he ended all of these relationships because he's not willing to compromise on what he wants. he says that no woman has ever broken up w/ him, he always ends relationships. I asked him if he's monogamous with me and it freaked him out and got him all defensive, he said that I was asking him to define the relationship and he didn't want to. I told him that I was only asking him if he's monogomous since he talks incessantly about all of the women he has bedded and I don't want to be with someone who is not monogomous He apologized. After a beautiful weekend together I went to leave and he whispered to me, I like you, you know that and then I like you so much. he said I don't know when I will see you again , we haven't made plans and i think i have the kids all week. i said that we would figure it out.

He called the next day to say that he had the kids all week and wasn't comfortable yet w/ inviting me to spend time w/ his kids only because it will make him nervous because once I drive 2 hrs. to get there I have to stay and if he has to run out w/ the kids, he will feel weird to leave me and the whole thing made him nervous. I told him it was no problem that he shouldn't worry, that I will drive to see him after or he can come up to see me after. That I don't want him to feel stressed around me. He has called me every day since then but today was in a cranky mood. He asked if I missed him even a little bit and I said I did and that I wished I could see him sooner and he said he felt the same.

Then I said it's not that big a deal but what I am more anxious about is the fact that he's going to Europe for a month in about 2 weeks. He asked me what I want to do about it and if I'm afraid he'll forget me. I jokingly said yet but said most of all that I will miss him. I travel all the time, we had talked about me meeting him in Paris for a few days so I said we have two options, either I meet him for a few days or hope time passes quickly.

He asked me if I thought it was too soon to travel together and then said, well you seem like your really comfortable w/ it so it shouldn't be a problem. I replied that I'm not thinking about all that just that it would be fun, that I love an adventure and I love travel. He said that he could have me come and stay w/ his family but that makes him really nervous but that he'd like me to meet him in Paris and then go with him to visit some friends. He said traveling w/ a partner is the ideal thing.
Then he asked what we should do so I said, we should talk about it and do whatever feels comfortable, let it rest until the week before he leaves and see how we feel.

The thing is, he jumps to conclusions all the time about taking things further than I ever intended. I'm not ready to meet his kids nor his family, I just want to hang out w/ him at this point and I have to keep reassuring him that we are just getting to know each other and having fun at this point. When we first met he asked him if our religious differences were a problem and if I'd expect him to convert for my family.

What is his deal? I really like him but he makes me feel weird that when I suggest something that I think would be fun for us to do together, he jumps to conclusions and it makes him nervous not because of what I've suggested but because he's taking it a step further, I have never expressed a desire to meet his kids or anyone in his family yet. It makes me feel like I'm needy when he does this, but we are dating and we live far apart, we can only see each other max, once a week, not a lot to get something started. I don't want his issues to be mine but I cant tell if he's really nervous about commitment or nervous about what I feel and want and what my expectations are. He's sure cocky and confident but this part is weird. He says he's looking for his true love and he talks like that to me like I'm not even in the room. I told him that I felt weird having that conversation w/ him and he replied that I'm certainly a candidate. I don't want to feel that I"m on trial, that I have to be better than the trail of women he's broken up with, that I'm some crazy, needy woman trying to work my way into his life when I"m not. I told him I want to take it slow, do things right, have a great time together and let things flow naturally, not force anything and just see what happens but that I have a fantastic time with him and that I really enjoy his company and want to spent time w/ him. he says his ex-wife never really needed him nor expressed any desire towards him and she never cared what he did and that he wants that. Well here i am so what's with all the other crap?

 
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Old 05-20-2009, 12:14 AM   #2
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Soo...it is sort of like, you say "Can I visit you?", and he says "I'm not ready for marriage yet...". He is definitely using this method to keep you at a distance for whatever reason. It is like he has one foot out of the door all the time. Do you need this? I think that even if you land this one, you will spend your life wondering if he is actually 'there' in the relationship. That business with all the exes - he is showing you the future. One day he will run into you with another woman and tell her you are a broken-hearted ex. I love his statement that no-one has ever broken up with him. Be the first! This one is not a keeper. Sera.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 03:21 AM   #3
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

This man sounds incredibly conceited. Like he thinks he's on a reality show or something. You'd probably think it was funny if you hadn't slept with the guy already Maybe next time wait a little longer. I think he's already found his true love, himself, so congratulate him and stop dragging this out. He also sounds very drama-oriented...doesn't like to have straightforward conversations, twists your words. Might be a crazy maker.
Just reading your post it's obvious what your looking for, a normal dating experience where you can get to know someone at a normal pace and go out and have a fun time, you don't want to hear about ex's or pontifications about love and life and would like to see a man enough to get to know him, once or twice a week...makes sense to me. I don't think that's too much to expect. I think he's just trying to twist your words b/c he likes to think all women love him. If you stick around for this treatment it will wear at your self-esteem.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 06:58 AM   #4
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

This guy sounds like he's got a four-piece travel set worth of baggage. He sounds terrified that you will want more than he's willing to give you. But I don't see where he's sending mixed or confusing signals. He has made it clear that he doesn't want commitment, he doesn't think of you as serious long term material, not yet anyway. He's having fun and wants to make sure you understand that's all it is to him. The whole "you're a candidate, I really like you" bit is just to keep the romance going, to keep you coming back for more and to keep it nice and sweet. It doesn't necessarily mean he really truly feels that way, it's just what you're supposed to say to the woman you're sleeping with.

Have fun with this guy, but I think you'd be setting yourself up for heartbreak if you ever start seriously thinking about an exclusive, serious relationship with this guy.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 09:06 AM   #5
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

ugh, the reviews on this man's behavior are not very positive. I hate being in a situation where the man makes me feel like I'm needy or pushing too hard when all I want to do is get together and hang out. I'm not a passive type, I'm quite assertive. Every time I express interest he immediately goes to getting nervous about me meeting his kids, family, etc. and I have to justify and I just hate all of that stuff. Why would he want to keep me coming back for more, why talk about making plans with me, I mean the sex is amazing, but we live 2 hrs. apart, it takes planning to be together. Did he burn through so many girls in his town that he's had to broaden his range? Why tell me how compatible we are, why jump right to meeting his family when I never even asked about all of that. Why tell me he sees good things ahead for us. Does he actually say all of this just to keep the sex going and it's fine as long as he makes the move but when I do, it freaks him out. I mean I already made it clear to him that I am only interested in a relationship but that I want to take my time. I just don't get it.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 09:36 AM   #6
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

he's being very non-committal not wanting to "define" your relationship.....

in other words.....he's NOT being monogomous.....

but he didn't say he would......he's just a player....do you want that?

 
Old 05-20-2009, 09:45 AM   #7
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Rebecca, you are right that he's the insecure one, you see right through him. It sounds like he can't handle any rejection at all. He seems very inexperienced in relationships, too, as if most of his are very short-lived. If his ex's are all friends, he couldn't be much of a heartbreaker, it could be they started to see what he's really like (what you're now seeing) and he just beat them to the punch.

You can do better--alot better. Actually, I'd say the best part may already be over since it will get really tiresome reassuring and propping him up... not to mention all the bragging

Those types usually dump you out of the blue, when things settle down and they think you might be losing interest. Again the whole rejection thing.

Good luck

 
Old 05-20-2009, 10:10 AM   #8
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Although he's confusing you he has stated for all intents and purposes that he isn't ready to make this a committed relationship. Everything he says screams out "we're not exclusive". You need to pay attention to that and not the good times you have together. Don't fall for this guy and start dating other people.

When a guy confuses you that much its because he's not the one. We women will invest so much in a man like that and then wonder why we're so hurt when they leave us. He's warning you in so many words that he belongs to noone. He's giving you a "heads up". Nobody breaks up with him because he does it first.... Most of the women he has dated probably have gone through the same confusion that you are right now.

If you want a casual relationship with him where you won't get attached then that's great. If you're looking for more you will be hurt. See other people.

Last edited by cathy1; 05-20-2009 at 10:12 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 01:34 PM   #9
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

I suspect that he doesn't even know what he wants. He has made it abundantly clear by his actions and his initial statements to you that he is not looking for a relationship. And if a man gave me all those details this early about his ex's, it would be a huge red flag. There would be zero trust on my part.

You are better off out of the relationship before you become invested.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 03:58 PM   #10
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Your getting played EOS! He is the player type lots of female friends who he has slept with most of them. Keeps them as friends for future intimate engagements. Thats why I avoid women with lots of guy "friends" like the plague! You let him hit it on the third date he got what he wanted. Now he is going to play the role of the dummy(He expected you to call) LOL. He will get you again and repeat the no show behavior again.

IMO women that befriend these player types or pursue them are trying to get a man out of her league. Ditch this a hole and find a quality guy.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 03:59 PM   #11
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
he's being very non-committal not wanting to "define" your relationship.....

In other words.....he's not being monogomous.....

But he didn't say he would......he's just a player....do you want that?
spot on!!!!!!

 
Old 05-20-2009, 08:22 PM   #12
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Ugh, I'm so sick of this and worst of all, I've left my favorite pair of shoes at his house, which is 2 hrs. away! I find his combination of insecurity/non-committal behavior weird. Why does he want me to meet his friends? I suggest we see a movie and he arranges a double date w/ friends pre pays the movie tickets and a lobster dinner and wine tasting, why all this hoopla just to play me? I've already confronted him twice about his attitude and he's come back to me to apologize and ask me out again, why? He could just dump me. He knows that I don't need him, that I'm financially and emotionally self-sufficient but that I'd like a lover and partner, why does he go through all of this effort if he just wants to play me, that's the part I don't get. I think the most poignant comment is that the reason i feel so uncomfortable is that he isn't the one, but he's so ****** attractive to me that I want to make him the one. There are probably other men out there that won't move me in the same physical sense but that would treat me like a queen from the start but I can't fight the attraction i feel for him nor how much I enjoy his company and the time we spend together. What to do? I'm going on a date w/ someone else on friday but it's sort of just to console myself because I still want this guy.

 
Old 05-20-2009, 09:38 PM   #13
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

The one thing I've learned about men when it comes to their strange and confusing behavior is this - why ask why? The bottom line is, he's not the one, and you know it in your gut. He's got seriou hang us and issues and will most likely never really commit to you. But you say you want this guy. Really? You actually LIKE being told "whoa whoa!! Slow down!! I'm not there!!!" every time you suggest a movie, or every time you suggest anything at all that wasn't his idea first? Seems to me you wouldn't be posting and you wouldn't be so frustrated if you really did want this guy. You want the guy you want him to be. The guy you have started to hope he could be one day. But you don't really want HIM.

Go out on your date with the other guy and enjoy it. Don't compare him with this guy, and just focus on how he treats you and how he makes you feel. You might be surprised.

 
Old 05-21-2009, 12:11 PM   #14
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Re: confusing signals from men - your input please

Hmmm, you make a really good point. He looks and has the attitude that I want a man to have and that I'm hopelessly attracted to, cocky, confident. But in reality, I know it's covering up for his own insecurities and perhaps it's all a lie that he has concocted and the more I poke around and get close to the truth, the more he will push me away. Maybe so many things but of course I don't want to feel like this, afraid to take initiative, afraid to call him, afraid to suggest things because he will see it as me being too needy or pushing too hard. So basically, I can't be myself and if I am myself, I have to justify it to him and explain that when I say it would be fun to meet up in Europe while he's there, it doesn't mean I want to marry him, doesn't mean I want to meet his family, doesn't mean anything except that I think it would be fun and exciting to spend a weekend in paris together. I can't imagine a long term situation where I constantly doubt myself and feel like I'm pushign too hard, but I like him damn it and I want him to like and want me. What to do, how to get him out of my system and stop seeing him as someone that i want to be with.

 
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