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Old 05-24-2009, 04:46 AM   #1
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Question How to get someone out of your head

So I'm trying to do new things, going parachute jumping, got a concert lined up in a few months, talking to friends, thinking about changing my home with some new stuff, maybe a new car, looking for someone new, wanting to get on, all that stuff which on the face of it is positive.

However, it's not working. A friend at work said this woman has destroyed me, and she seems to be right. I still have days where I randomly wake up feeling uneasy and wrecked.

It should be so easy to chalk that woman up as being nuts, unstable, disingenuous, like everyone else does. Finding someone better should be EASY, but no-one even comes close on the "good points" list. So that's a hurdle. It's not just my perception - I really did know someone who had a life that fitted mine perfectly and that I knew I could contribute so much to. So I'm looking for the good points because I know what I want, without the irrational bad side of course! I don't particularly want to compromise on the things I'm looking for in someone, because they are good things, fit me, and suit my standards.

And then there's the pain I've been left with while she gets to carry on her life unhindered, having pegged me as the bad guy of the piece! For what exactly? Trying to get her to talk sensibly. That really p****s me off. And I tried to leave things with the view that if she ever got her act together, and was genuine beneath all the throw-backs, hypocritical put-downs, etc, then come and start from scratch whenever that might be. Basically because the woman I met was a completely different person who I wouldn't mind getting to know again. I'd need time now to even think about doing that myself. Anyway, it got kicked back in my face. Can't say I didn't try being civil.

I don't get the right to reply or to make her wake up and smell the coffee of her hypocrisy but boy do I want to sometimes, or to shout like everyone else does, or to highlight exactly why she treats people like crud. And even if I did I'd be wasting my breath because she's so blameless (narcissism perhaps?) that the message wouldn't sink in or trigger any meaningful reflection or apology anyway. Somehow knowing that you'd be wasting your time makes it even worse

So, when someone's good points are what you have been looking for all along, and can't find anyone else even close, and when their bad points leave you angry, sad, and with all the wreckage to sort out, how DO you get that person out of your head?

I feel... haunted is perhaps a good word, by things unresolved to my satisfaction.

 
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Old 05-24-2009, 04:59 AM   #2
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Well...you need to feel it. You need to mourn the loss. I'm going through that right now. I'm trying to mend my broken heart. I fell for the wrong man. Big time. It just happened. But by denying your pain you'll only make it worse. Give yourself the time to feel sad..and at the same time involve yourself in your life. You see..ultimately you are the only one who can make yourself happy. Not this woman and not this man for me. That is my challenge right now. I neglected so many things while I was distracted by him..and it was a waste of my time. Stop wasting your time and get busy in the present moment now. Yeah..you can linger in the past a bit..but don't dwell in it. You never know what now may bring..or tomorrow. People come and go from our lives all the time. You never know who is around that corner..and the possibility should be exciting enough. Be happy you had the time you did with her and learn to embrace life again...she will begin to fade with each day and when you do think of her it won't be so painful.

Good luck..

 
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Old 05-24-2009, 06:12 AM   #3
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

You could be my son talking. His ex not only left him when he got sick, but has set out to destroy any memory of their time together by telling him that she has been repelled by him since their first child was born (notwithstanding she went on to have two more children and got him to buy a house, then married him and then refinanced the house so she could have a car, a spa, many new goodies etc etc). When they first found out he had an ongoing condition, she had them apply for another loan extension before he got sick enough to lose his job. When they were refused, she forced him to leave the house under pretence that she needed a break and we his parents could look after him for a while. He went into hospital for 3 weeks, and during that time she got herself a new man and swanned into the sunset with not an emotional backward glance. Because she is narcissistic, she cannot admit any responsibility for any of this stuff; so the role of villain has fallen on my son. She has tried everything to stop him having access to his kids; has sent him long emails raving about what a much better father the new man is; has refused to attend any mediation to sort out the access issues. He finally took her to court, so he is at least seeing the kids. She wants him to disappear. All she has ever said about his illness is "I am under such stress about this and all he does is abuse me". Her telling him he was a repulsive vegetable is stress - him replying that she is heartless and cruel is verbal abuse. We learned that. This is just a bit of a summing up, it was really much much worse for him. Is your person forever saying that she has to take care of everything herself? No matter what you do (like helping with housework) is ever enough or not even acknowledged? If you dare to (god forbid) raise your voice, does she threaten to call the police? I could go on and on. Cheers, Sera.

 
Old 05-24-2009, 07:48 AM   #4
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Seraph, it sounds like your son got well and truly taken to the cleaners! What a shallow cow that woman is! Keep me in the lap of luxury or I'm off. Hmmm, kind of sounds familiar actually. That woman I knew claimed not to be materialistic, to value deep feelings etc. yet strangely never did anything about them and enjoyed the material side of her life rather well.

I never lived with her (perhaps I should be glad of that now) and for ages she didn't even see me but still wanted daily contact lest I get accused of not caring again. Take that away and she'd act mortally wounded about all the damage I was doing to the relationship. But whose choice was it not to see each other? Who couldn't even say a simple "I love you". Who did nothing to further things? But no, all the damage was done by me apparently! Crazy.

Yes she has pretty much just swanned off to continue her life and doesn't want any contact at all, not that she was civil when this blew up anyway. She initially said she wanted time to think (having had so long to do so) and then promptly criticised me for not being in contact with her! It was the usual routine of throwing every bit of mud she could at me and when she didn't have anything real she would just twist something, or make it up whilst not actually answering anything I said or asked.

She did say about having to take care of things herself a LOT except that she never dealt with anything. I got constantly accused of not caring, not understanding the stress she was under. Another bit of hypocrisy I thought of was her saying about how she had to deal with things by herself, refusing all attempts to be there for her, not talking about all this supposed stress etc, and then accusing me of being someone who just wanted to sit back and pick up the good stuff once she'd dealt with it all. Nuts! I tried being involved and got shunned. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it.

So yeah, I got the "I'm under lots of stress right now" kind of stuff, and generally treated like I was being the meanest person in the world any time I picked up on the double standards of it all. She'd come out with some nonsense, I'd try to straighten it out without rising to the obvious tactic and get "oh I've had enough of this, you're mental". Well I never called her anything. I sometimes wondered what would happen if I did open up with both barrels given how she blew attempts at sensible conversation into the complete works of Ghengis Khan. Sometimes I want to ruin her life not as a vengeful thing but just on the off chance that she might then wake up and realise that you can't go round treating people like crud. Of course, as you said about your son's ex, she doesn't even realise she's anything other than perfect.

Sometimes like after she'd worn me down calling at work and launching into me, it was like she did understand that she was destroying someone she cared about. It was only momentary though because if you didn't bounce back to 100% quickly you just get slated. But of course it was alright for her to hold nonsense against me for ages.

Yeah, she also acted like she didn't know me at all. It's like a switch goes in their heads. I used to be told I'd be a great dad. Then I got stuff suggesting rather the contary as if I had changed. It's crazy.

Laye, yeah that's what I'm trying to do but it's not really working. I've put off buying a TV because I think it's just a posession and won't actually make me happy for instance even though it would be cool and new and make the house a bit different. So I'm going for the memorable experiences instead, and hoping my fear of someone who seems nice turning into another nightmare doesn't stop me letting someone in. I've already put one person off by being overly cautious. Sometimes I know I still need to have a good cry again, and I guess it'll happen when it's ready.

 
Old 05-25-2009, 02:01 AM   #5
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Prompted by another thread I read up about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic rages. I could think of examples that fitted so much of what I read. Nearly every trait mentioned it was "yes, that's what happened so many times", and putting it all together it seems to explain not only things that happened to me but the way she'd tell me about other things that had happened, or the way I felt uneasy about how she treated her child sometimes (really sweet one minute, overly strong discipline the next if the child interrupted HER moment, keeping the child around almost like a shield sometimes when I wanted to talk whereas other times they'd be told to go away because mum was busy) and other events that happened. I read up on a few other disorders too, but they didn't fit. So the unpredictability I saw and everyone warned me of now has a name and an explanation, possibly anyway.

I don't really understand how her behaviour towards me deteriorated but I'm guessing it was because she felt stressed and that triggered more hot and cold episodes towards me depending on whether she needed to feel better than me or not. I thought a lot of the aggravation I saw was her projecting things she didn't like about herself onto me, but it kind of makes more sense now. The whole random hypocrisy thing, the haughty attitude on the occasions where she really had a go that were almost like she was enjoying it.

What I don't get though is that she knows a lot of people she classes as friends and as far as I could gather everyone thinks she's the cat's pyjamas. It's like I'm the only person who got to see the craziness. In other ways she seemed to hate rather than love herself, because she supposedly hated causing upset to others, put others before herself (apart from me!), and would attack me about wanting to be with others and sometimes say things like she wasn't good enough. That doesn't quite fit in, yet so much else does, like the times she seemed so incredibly selfish.

Maybe I was too patient, thinking that if I was just consistently there for her she'd get the message. Of course it turns out that fault gets found no matter what you do. Surely if she were truly toxic she wouldn't be so well liked at large because others would ineveitably find those traits coming out and give her the boot.

Maybe understanding why she was like she was will help get her out of my head, but it just seems to raise more questions. I've been looking for an answer as to how someone can treat people the way she treated me. It still leaves the stress and tiredness of having been treated like that, and the pain of being branded as the one who was unfair/crazy/etc. when all I sought was a straight answer and some honesty

I wonder if I should even think about meeting anyone else yet. It's beeI find that quite scaryn months and waiting to get over this whole experience feels like I'm wasting more time from a short life and it feels like I wasted so much of my time trying to support someone who wanted it one minute and pushed it away the next, whilst denying they were hot and cold at all and of course saying I was.

Friends reckon that if I meet someone normal I'll forget about the last one in no time and then she will be out of my head. I'm not so sure, because it really has drained me. There's also the problem I mentioned before of not wanting to compromise on the good points that I want someone to have. Good points that the last one really did have.

Someone else seems interested in me now, and I feel a certain need to have someone good come into my life and naturally bring my best back out without necessarily even realising I got fried. Yet in other ways the parts of the former one that really were adorable and so right for me make me wish she'd just remained the amazing person I met and not got so insecure and irrational. And other times, I really wish I'd never met her because I might be happy with someone by now.

Last edited by calmbloke; 05-25-2009 at 03:50 AM.

 
Old 05-25-2009, 02:55 PM   #6
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

To get this women out of your head I think you need to get another women in your bed! Your putting this ex on a pedestal, I have been there and done it with one ex too, but IMO for me I needed female attention and once I found that from another besides the ex, the ex kind of started to fade away.

This allowed me to examine and search for what I really wanted out of a relationship and the type of women that I should be searching for. Like the song says you just at some point have to look at yourself and say "Let it go" and IMO finding another women may help you get your mojo back enough to leti it go and start the search for another women this time on your terms.

 
Old 05-25-2009, 03:08 PM   #7
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Like I said your putting her "good" points on a pedestal that you wont' allow anyone else to attempt to reach. It's mental, I have been there. Quit pre-judging new women to your ex's standards (which IMO is not actual or factual) and just go out with women and have fun!

Worry about a relationship once you have vetted a prospect! Like me you will find in time that your ex was not all that even if great, there are plenty of great women out there. Enjoy the search for the great one you seek.

 
Old 05-26-2009, 09:42 AM   #8
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Yo, thanks for that You're right of course, though for so long the "plenty more fish in the sea" line means nothing. No she returned to the OCD (older, crapper deal) not a BBD. I can be pretty confident that she was at least partially off her rocker based on how things were over a long period of time. I found a cap that fits her, she can wear it now. Doesn't change the fact that the whole thing hurt of course, but I'm beginning to feel a certain pity for her now I can give her demons a name.

And as it happens, the new person has really sparked my interest, something that none of the other prospects have done. I still had a rubbish dream involving the "ex" last night but I'm not going to let her ruin another prospect having missed out on one already by being overly cautious. I even found myself smiling for no apparent reason yesterday having spoken to the new one. It's wayyyy early days of course, but it was just nice to feel a little bit of sparkle back again and enjoy someone else rather than feeling quite so wary.

So there's hope for me yet!

 
Old 05-26-2009, 12:21 PM   #9
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Quote:
Originally Posted by calmbloke View Post
Yo, thanks for that You're right of course, though for so long the "plenty more fish in the sea" line means nothing. No she returned to the OCD (older, crapper deal) not a BBD. I can be pretty confident that she was at least partially off her rocker based on how things were over a long period of time. I found a cap that fits her, she can wear it now. Doesn't change the fact that the whole thing hurt of course, but I'm beginning to feel a certain pity for her now I can give her demons a name.

And as it happens, the new person has really sparked my interest, something that none of the other prospects have done. I still had a rubbish dream involving the "ex" last night but I'm not going to let her ruin another prospect having missed out on one already by being overly cautious. I even found myself smiling for no apparent reason yesterday having spoken to the new one. It's wayyyy early days of course, but it was just nice to feel a little bit of sparkle back again and enjoy someone else rather than feeling quite so wary.

So there's hope for me yet!
I am glad to see others spark your interest. The "plenty of fish" line is a line because no one tells you about all the she sharks in the water. LOL BBD does not mean the guy is better, but better to her hence her choice. The reality of this is usually what you have went through. Logic though has no place when romance is concerned with many women. This guy could be a total tool yet to her he is the greatest.

IMO your mindframe needs to be "your the prize" don't accept bad behavior or a women that you don't want. Someone told me once "attract many, select few" which IMO is a good outlook to have.

Just don't put all your eggs in one basket, go out date many women and YOU make the choice of who's best for you.

Last edited by BCboy; 05-26-2009 at 12:34 PM.

 
Old 05-26-2009, 01:11 PM   #10
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Cool advice, cheers man!

 
Old 05-29-2009, 11:01 AM   #11
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Im not sure why you actually broke up with her but first start a list. Sounds goofy but nothing worked better for me then a journal of how I felt because of how my ex treated me. I'd list off the bad things that he did to me... the bad things about his actions/personality and a laundry list of how he made me feel. Then look at this list and read it daily. Often the written word is extremely powerful as it removes the emotion and ruminating that bounces around in our heads and the clarity of seeing it on paper makes everything sink in.

In the beginning we see all the great things we're going to miss about them, but if they truly have been lousy to us, well that stuff takes awhile to swell to the top.

I remember reading something my ex said to me in my "list". I had the conversation verbatim. When I read it I was shocked at how cruel and mean he really was. That was when I started to recover.

Start a list. It works.

 
Old 05-30-2009, 10:10 AM   #12
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
You could be my son talking. His ex not only left him when he got sick, but has set out to destroy any memory of their time together by telling him that she has been repelled by him since their first child was born (notwithstanding she went on to have two more children and got him to buy a house, then married him and then refinanced the house so she could have a car, a spa, many new goodies etc etc). When they first found out he had an ongoing condition, she had them apply for another loan extension before he got sick enough to lose his job. When they were refused, she forced him to leave the house under pretence that she needed a break and we his parents could look after him for a while. He went into hospital for 3 weeks, and during that time she got herself a new man and swanned into the sunset with not an emotional backward glance. Because she is narcissistic, she cannot admit any responsibility for any of this stuff; so the role of villain has fallen on my son. She has tried everything to stop him having access to his kids; has sent him long emails raving about what a much better father the new man is; has refused to attend any mediation to sort out the access issues. He finally took her to court, so he is at least seeing the kids. She wants him to disappear. All she has ever said about his illness is "I am under such stress about this and all he does is abuse me". Her telling him he was a repulsive vegetable is stress - him replying that she is heartless and cruel is verbal abuse. We learned that. This is just a bit of a summing up, it was really much much worse for him. Is your person forever saying that she has to take care of everything herself? No matter what you do (like helping with housework) is ever enough or not even acknowledged? If you dare to (god forbid) raise your voice, does she threaten to call the police? I could go on and on. Cheers, Sera.
I so feel your son on this. My ex was so similar to your son's. I hope your son recovers soon and can't follow with his life. I know that I'm finding it hard. But reading stories like these make me feel I'm not alone.

 
Old 05-31-2009, 01:19 PM   #13
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

Quote:
Originally Posted by cathy1 View Post
Im not sure why you actually broke up with her but first start a list. Sounds goofy but nothing worked better for me then a journal of how I felt because of how my ex treated me. I'd list off the bad things that he did to me... the bad things about his actions/personality and a laundry list of how he made me feel. Then look at this list and read it daily. Often the written word is extremely powerful as it removes the emotion and ruminating that bounces around in our heads and the clarity of seeing it on paper makes everything sink in.

I remember reading something my ex said to me in my "list". I had the conversation verbatim. When I read it I was shocked at how cruel and mean he really was. That was when I started to recover.

Start a list. It works.
Hi Cathy, thanks for the tip. I don't have a list written down but do certainly remember all the crappy things she did. That caused a problem in itself when I get really annoyed at how she could be so ruddy awful and then just swan off and get away with it. I'd get waves of being really annoyed at that, wihch I did a separate topic on at the time - that's got a bit of background on how things ended too.

So I found myself having to not think about those things so I didn't get all that old frustration rising up. I didn't want to think about her nice points because that sidestepped what a nightmare she'd been with her various neuroses, but found that I'd found good things in her that I do want to find again with someone else. Had this person not turned out to be a nightmare those good things made for an excellent and easy partnership that would have been amazing. So I look for those things again and see what else someone new can offer.

 
Old 05-31-2009, 07:46 PM   #14
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

To Calmbloke and Emoprairiedog, I think the worst part of the fallout is being left unable to trust your own instincts. You (and my son) have been worked over by someone who is an expert at using charm and love-bombing to get your total love and adoration. You were placed on a pedestal to start with and made to feel that you were the luckiest person in the universe to be so totally loved and looked up to. There is often no way of knowing for sure why and when this gets switched off, although in the case of my son, it was pretty clear that her world view of her perfect life was going down the tubes when he got sick. And switched off is exactly what it was like. When this happens, there is nothing vague about it, you KNOW that it is gone and you want it back. Sometimes, for reasons of their own (usually to demonstrate that they still have the control and power), you will get reeled back in for a time, but only so they can have another go at carelessly destroying you. The only way to get away from the whole thing is to remove them from your life, or at least make sure that there is nothing they can hold over you, because they will. My son's ex has the perfect weapon, the children, and uses them shamelessly to get what she wants, usually more money, or to punish him for trying to assert his rights. She has a myriad of lame excuses she has used to justify her behaviour. Another attractive feature of this type of person is the fact that they cannot have any fault placed on them, so YOU are, by default, the villain. History will be rewritten, facts will be denied, lies will be told, and there is absolutely no way of ever getting the person to accept their part. Do not even bother trying, there is no "better nature" to appeal to. So, TRUST YOURSELF! You KNOW what happened, don't fall into self-doubt, keep records like Cathy, that is a terrific reminder of how different things can look. Most witnesses are fooled as well, my ex-DIL's family have fallen for the party line. We are villains too because there was no way for us not to witness it all first-hand since my son was laid up in our house. We have to be demonised and discredited in case we ever tell! Sera.

 
Old 05-31-2009, 07:56 PM   #15
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Re: How to get someone out of your head

I had a hard time getting my worthless ex out of my head, but then HE actually helped me. I had to go pick up some of my stuff from him, and the things he said to me were unbelieveable! He had cheated on me, lied about it, and then started seeing someone ELSE, and didn't want to juggle (I guess) so he sent me a Dear Jane e-mail. So turns out, this is all MY fault, because he "didn't like the way I handled" the cheating (I got mad and confronted him) and he didn't think he should have to put up with that BS. So HE cheats, and I'm the one to blame, because instead of accepting his lies I went about finding out the truth. And that makes me "controlling" because I asked to be dealt with honestly.

While he isn't completely out of my head (obviously), now when I do think about him it's with absolute disgust and ridicule. He actually believes that he was in the right and I was in the wrong. Who wants to be with someone like that? Plus, with all the sleeping around he's doing, he's probably a walking disease pit. Gross.

So I'd just try to think about how things would be if you were still with her...you couldn't have been happy! Seems like you spent most of your time trying not to do anything to tick her off, and the rest of the time calming her down after you did some unknown thing to tick her off again! Isn't it better to not have to deal with that stress every day?

 
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