I am currently going through a break up with a man I have been seeing ( off and on ) for 2 years. It has been really hard on me because even though we both agreed on this, it still hurts like crazy! I had forgotten how painful a break up can be and I'm not sure how to proceed. See, he still "wants to be friends" and talk, but to me, that just makes it worse. Everyone keeps saying to me that " living good is the best revenge" and that the best approach is to move forward and go on positively and never let him know how much I am hurting! What exactly is meant by that statement? Does it mean to just go out, be happy, and act like it doesn't bother me? Because it DOES bother me!! Has anyone here been through a break up and used this approach?? Does it help, and if so, do you cut all contact with your ex? Or is the whole point to keep the lines of communication open and allow them to see that you can go on without them??? I would appreciate any advice you guys have!
You're right, it's way too hard to stay friends after a breakup. That's why it's for the best to cut them off. Eventually, after some time has passed and all of the feelings have been worked through, if both people want to be friends, that's fine. But right now, things are WAY too fresh and it's WAY too painful for you to go on pretending like you are ok when you're clearly not ok.
I've been through enough breakups that I can tell you that it really is for the best to cut off contact. Yes it's very hard to do but at some point you gradually start healing and it gets better. The only way you can truly move on, however, is to NOT have that person in your face all the time.
thank you for responding! You are so right....it is hard to even read his e-mails because all I wonder is who is he with and what is he doing. It's ridiculous for me to even think that, because I know it is none of my business what he is doing! I just keep feeling like I will never be happy again and the weekends are especially hard because you feel like everyone is going out having fun, and you're all alone. I just hate feeling this way!
I know exactly how you feel. It feels like the world is pointless and your never going to feel better. I was in your position before and posted to websites looking for advise. I did everything that was suggested and here are the things that helped the most that I HIGHLY recommend. Have faith! Here goes:
1. NO CONTACT! NONE! It's called N.C. and I was doubtful at first but was willing to do anything to feel better. This guy broke up with you. He is essentially saying that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. So he MUST start feeling what it means for you to not be with him anymore. You must be tough. Checking your phone every 5 seconds and wondering if it's ok to call isn't helping you. It sounds drastic but I even got my phone number changed so that IF he did try to call I would never know and it gave me a little control over the situation. I went to a pay phone, called my own number and hearing the operator say "this number has been changed, the new number is not known" made my heart feel a million times better. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!
2. Go swimming. Weirdest advise my mom ever gave me. But you need to "get out of your element" a little. It really helped clenase the anger and hurt and also wore me out enough to get some sleep.
3. EAT! even if you don't feel like it. I totally lost my appetite. But luckily a good friend took me out to brunch with a bunch of her freinds. I didn't know any of them but EVERYONE can relate to the hurt of a breakup and even though we were strangers at first I still remian good freinds with those people
4. The World Is Your Oyster! Try something new that you never would have tried. Breakups are awful, to be certain but they are also amazing growing experiences. Your awareness is heightened, your noticing things about everyone around you. start a book club, or a break up club if you know other people in your situation, learn to play an instrument, draw! write! just get up and do something! ANYTHING!
5. Have you ever heard the http:// * link to commercial website, and website information, removed by hb-mod, moderator *
I hope you feel better! And listen, even the breakups that I thought I'd never get over, the big ones, years later I have no regrets. I still am friends with all my ex boyfriends but i never would have been if I didn't take the time to myself. Your too raw right now to have open lines of communication. Take care and good luck!
Last edited by hb-mod; 05-29-2009 at 03:25 PM.
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I don't think you have to pretend it doesn't hurt. You're human and of course it's going to hurt. But I think "living well is the best revenge" means that you don't let the hurt control you. You continue to go on and hold your head up high and try not to take it too personally and create a life for yourself that you can really be proud of.
If it makes the pain worse to try to be friends, then don't. It's pretty much that simple.
I don't know if you had a "friendly" breakup or an "unfriendly" breakup, but I just went through one, and it was definitely "unfriendly". We were together 4 years, he cheated on me, lied about it, then started a relationship with his nephew's ex-girlfriend (12 years younger) and then finally sent me a "Dear Jane" e-mail.
At first, I wanted to smooth things over and try to stay a part of his life, thinking that with the passage of time we could either stay friends or even try again (dumb, I know!). But I had to go to his house to pick up some things, and the way he was to me was absolutely awful. He blamed the entire breakup on me, saying that I was giving him crap for no good reason and that he should be able to do whatever he wants without anyone giving him a hard time about it. There was more, but it was so strange...he basically killed whatever love was left in me for him, and I feel relieved that I don't have to put up with this toxic monster anymore. He wants to remain friends, but I know that's because he wants me to be available to him if he decides he wants some companionship some night. No thanks.
I agree with the "no contact" because you will always have hope of things working out if you still talk to him. I think surrounding yourself with your friends and family, keeping busy, and trying to stop yourself from checking his social networking site if he has one, or driving by his house, etc. will help the most to heal.
I agree with the others, no contact is the best way to get through this. I just went through/am going through a breakup myself, and N.C. makes it a lot easier because Redneon is right - keeping in contact keeps a glimmer of hope for the two of you in tact.
My breakup was "unfriendly." He came back three weeks after dumping me, and I agreed to take things slow with him in attempt to reconcile our relationship, only for him to end things again a month later. We were together for over 2 years also. He showed his true colors the past few months and he did me a favor by dumping me. Jerk.
You can show how you feel, you don't have to act like everything is ok, but I've known a lot of people to show their depression and sorrow through their social-networking site status', and I would suggest to not do that if you have one. (And definitely try not to look at his). I'm sure your ex knows this hurts, since you were together for so long, but I think it's better to avoid showing him just how lost without him you might feel.
Even though your breakup was mutual, there's no way you guys can be "friends" right now. I don't believe that's possible without complications until you're both completely, 100% over each other...and sometimes that never happens. Don't have contact with him anymore. As sad as it is to just cut someone from your life, it's necessary for YOU to heal and move forward.
ugh...my heart goes out to you Kelly.
The only people who ever advised me to stay friends after a breakup were the idiot exes who were trying to keep me in their lives on their terms.
Being let down and disappointed by someone is not a good foundation for a friendship. Then a lot of guys will try to make you look like the bad guy for not wanting to be friends, as it seems to be popular culture these days to stay friends after, I have no idea why. It works on TV but not in real life.
I don't answer phone calls or texts, and block emails. Don't feel you have to explain yourself to people either. If people say "Oh Timmy said you're not talking to him" just give a big smile and be like "Oh he's crazy we just ran into each other a couple of weeks ago" and change the subject...or if someone tries to tell you he's dating some great new girl or something smile big and say "I knew he'd meet someone soon. That's fantastic" & change subject. Breakups are emotional enough so don't let anyone stir you up.
Don't feel you have to explain yourself to people either. If people say "Oh Timmy said you're not talking to him" just give a big smile and be like "Oh he's crazy we just ran into each other a couple of weeks ago" and change the subject...or if someone tries to tell you he's dating some great new girl or something smile big and say "I knew he'd meet someone soon. That's fantastic" & change subject.
I really like this advice a lot. I think you should TOTALLY do that!! I mean if people ask you these kinds of questions, then that's what you should say!!
I actually got an e-mail from him yesterday saying that after graduation ( I graduate from medical school on June 13) he hopes that I will have him over for dinner and blah, blah, blah! I am really thinking that he just wants freedom to bang other women because I am so busy with school and all, but he wants to still keep me at arms length for when it's convenient for him! I feel like a total idiot! I mean, I love this guy so much and now I feel like I will never find that again! But then I wonder why I feel anything at all knowing he is with other women ( and I know he is for a fact....)! Why does it hurt if I know that deep down, this is probably for the best in the long run? I just don't want to feel this way anymore! You guys here are awesome and you have all given me excellent advice! Maybe I will get over this soon and be ready to move on! BTW...I didn't respond to his e-mail!
I think you may have hit the nail on the head as far as his motives. So think about that. If he can't even stick w/ you thru the stress of college, it's better to be rid of him now...marriage is stresssssful, w/ pregnancy, bills, etc. You need someone with more backbone. I know you feel like you won't find another, but if I assume correctly you are still in your early 20's...you could meet someone in a whole entire year and you will still be extremely young!!
Tivo thanks for the compliment. In college I went thru a breakup w/ a frat boy and it was like practically in the tabloids!! LOL. Someone else gave me this advice & I follow it to this day about numerous situations...i hate busybodies and town criers & this always seems to work. "Did you hear your ex got a promotion?" "Well I'm not surprised he was always so motivated and such a hard worker, he deserves it" HA! hee hee
Kelly if he emails a lot you can always block email. I always liked the feeling of knowing the email was drifting off into nowhere after they'd gone thru all the trouble of composing it, LOL. Plus you don't have to worry about the temptation to respond...
My ex is telling people that he's "doing his own thing for a while" when they ask where I am...which is his way of saying he's sleeping with whoever he can get his hands on for now. Of course, the implication is that this is only temporary and that some time in the future he wants us to get back together. Well, that really grosses me out! I know 2 of the girls he's sleeping with and, well, he's going to need a full STD workup when he's done. As if I'd want that!
Think about that...doesn't the very idea just make you feel nauseated? I have no desire to sleep around with as many men as I can, and I doubt you do either. I have standards and it's really off-putting to think that my ex has none at all. That is NOT someone you want to plan a future with.
I'm much older than you (I presume) and though my prospects are much slimmer, I'd rather take the chance that it may take me a few years to find someone than go back to the human petri dish. Keep your standards high and hold out for the right guy for you! And good for you for not responding...he's throwing his line out there trying to see if you'll still give it up to him when he's ready. You did good!