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Old 06-20-2009, 07:36 AM   #1
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I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

My fiance and I have always had a great relationship, he is very loving and affectionate and NEVER has given me a reason to question him, or not trust him. Well he was lying to me for a while, he was on a website that is ver popular it is a networking site, where people connect with there friends, you should know which one anyways..he fell asleep in front of the computer and I seen his messages, and there were a few to some girls one said how much he missed this girl, and there was also one to his ex girlfriends sister asking how the family is! I didnt say a word about it and weeks passed then 2 weeks ago i was on the computer doing my job ( i work from home) and i went to type into the browser and up popped some names of girls that he was searching for on the internet! one of them was a girl he used to date and the other was a girl that he had a huge crush on all through high school and a little while after, and obviously still does! I was so upset I stormed out of the office and started yelling at him about it and he denied it all, and said that he has not logged onto this website for a long time and he didnt even remember his password! So he was saying someone was hacking into his profile and talking to these girls! How stupid does he think I am,then he told me the only way he can get to this site is if someone sends him a message it gives him a link to his profile through his e-mail so I told him to have one of his friends send him a message then we could go on there together and he could see what i was talking about and he could tell me what was going on, I was trying to work with him, and give him chances to tell me the truth so he called his friend and told hime to message him, and he did but before we could get to the computer, my fiance went into the office and broke the computer, he ripped the mouse out of the computer so hard that it broke the keyboard and mouse (they are wireless) and now our computer is out of commision, he said he was so mad that he lost his temper and did that, well i think it was awfully convienent that he did that right before we were going to look at it! he hasnt spoken a word of it since that night and for 3 days after that we barely spoke to each other! he didnt try to make it right in any way, now I got his password to this site, (i am pretty computer saavy) and all the messages on seen on there are erased, he was around a computer at his friends house a week ago, and that says that was the last day he logged in, so he erased all of them, how great is that? I was gonna print them off and show him what i was talking about. I cant seem to get over it, and i see him in a different light now, and he dosent seem to care how much it hurt me, all he cared about was himself, and how shi**y he would feel being confronted and sitting in front of the computer having to read these messages he sent to girls with me sitting there and trying to explaon them to me, so what should I do, it has been like 2 weeks now, and no word has been spoken about it, should I try to bring it up, or act like it is ok, and dont tell him i have his password and when we get our computer fixed not say anything about it and keep tabs on him, then if something pops up, print it out and show him?? I jknow that sounds really silly, but when someone will not admit they are wrong dont you have to catch them, and show them you know whats up? I dont think he is doing anything physical with these girls, but emotionally yes, he is going to them for comfort or something i dont know, i just dont feel like he really loves me like he says he does. Help what should i do in this siutation?

 
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Old 06-20-2009, 08:12 AM   #2
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

It's a hard situation, no doubt, but first of all, how are you doing your work if you work from home and the computer has been out of commission for the last two weeks? Isn't that a tremendous inconvenience for you?

I think women's intuition is something we should always listen to. I think you FEEL that he doesn't love you like he says he does, because he doesn't. It's pretty clear he's been lying and hiding things. And no, I don't think you have to have something concrete to show him and confront him with. You know he's lying, you know he's hiding things. I think that's all you really need to know. I mean, what do you think will happen if you show him his messages? Do you think he's going to say "oh, you caught me! I'm so sorry honey, I was wrong, I promise to never do anything like this again, I didn't realize how much it hurt you!" Well, that ain't gonna happen. He's going to continue to deny deny deny. I think the only thing you have to do is to decide for yourself whether you want to be married to a man who flirts with ex lovers and other women on the computer or not. If you can get to a place where you can overlook it and accept that it's just going to happen from time to time and it's ok as long as he comes home to you and treats you well in every other way, fine. If you can't, and you want a man who wouldn't do that, then this is not the guy for you, because this guy DOES do that and you know it. You don't need him to admit it in order for you to know it.

 
Old 06-20-2009, 08:25 AM   #3
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

Your message brought me to tears because you are totally right, and noone has told me exactly like it is and you just did and that is what i need someone to be like "look this is exactly what it sounds like to me" and tell me what they think, and you hit it right on the head, I dont know what to do, i dont know it is so hard we have a 4 year old, a house and a life together, should i walk away from all that over this? I feel like he dosent love me like he says because you are right he dosent my intuition has never been wrong, buut do i try to talk to him about that? I just dont know, i do love him, and he claims to love me so much, if he did then why would he lie and flirt with other girls?

 
Old 06-20-2009, 08:33 AM   #4
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

I think that the way you approached the situation the first time was wrong and unfortunately, now he is on guard because of it. Instead of storming out and yelling at him about it, you should have approached him in a civilized manner and just asked him about it, not in an accusatory way. He may have been more receptive and less likely to freak out about it and certainly he wouldn't have broken the computer, I'm sure, if you would have approached him the right way.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, if you really want to talk to him about it, work on your approach. Just have a regular conversation about it, in which you don't blow your lid and just regular speaking voice, tell him you'd like to figure this thing out together. People only start cheating (both emotionally and physically) when they feel like something in their current relationship is missing. What you really need to be doing is figuring out together what is missing and why he feels the need to look outside the relationship.

It's also just possible that he's genuinely curious about what happened to these people from his past and that's why he is looking them up. My ex bf who I dated for 8 years keeps searching my name on a certain reunion website, and I know because it sends me an email every time he does. He's now married with two kids. I know he doesn't want to get back together and I know he is just wondering whatever happened to me out of curiousity. He knows I'd never speak to him again after he way our break up happened.

I've learned that a lot of people just want to know what's up with people they knew a long time ago. It's not ALWAYS to start something up again. I do admit that sometimes it is, but I think more often than that it's just to know what's up. I honestly don't know if that's what happened in your case, but you won't know either unless you have a civil conversation with him where you aren't blaming or accusing, in which you're just simply talking and trying to work it out. If that's what you want. It's up to you.

You say the relationship is great otherwise, so if it's worth it to you to work it out, then try your best to figure it out together. But if you think he's a total liar and everything then move on. Those are your only 2 choices in this matter.

 
Old 06-20-2009, 09:18 AM   #5
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tivo123 View Post
It's also just possible that he's genuinely curious about what happened to these people from his past and that's why he is looking them up.
Then why didn't he just say as much instead of getting so defensive and going to such an extreme as breaking the computer? It's been my experience that a person reacts like that because he's hiding something, and he knows he's doing something he really should not be doing.

But I think it's a trading off. We all want the perfect relationship, we all want a SO or a spouse who loves us like (s)he has never loved anyone ever before, or will ever love anyone again, who is faithful and loyal and whose head is never turned and who could never imagine being happier with someone else than they are with us. But that's just not reality. Only a very very small tiny handful of people actually get that kind of love. Most love is a big compromise. I think to keep this love, you are going to have to compromise and accept that he likes to flirt with other women online and doesn't want you knowing about it, questioning it, or bugging him about it. That's clear. I think you could talk to him about it, but if he's willing to destroy an expensive computer rather than face the truth with you, then I don't really know how productive talking will be. I think he wants to do what he wants to do and he wants you to stay blissfully oblivious to it. It's up to you. Maybe the other aspects of your relationship are good enough for you to overlook his little emotional dalliances. And you do have a child to consider. I mean, you can't talk him into wanting only you if he just doesn't. You can't talk him into not wanting to flirt with other women, to stay in contact with ex lovers if that's what he really wants. All you can do is say "hey, I know this is going on and this is how it makes me feel." Then it's his choice as to whether he cares enough about how it makes you feel to stop. If he just tries to hide it better, then it's up to you to decide what you can and can't live with. Marriages and long term relationships aren't about getting everything we want out of love. It's about compromise compromise compromise, and what you're getting in return for your compromise and is it worth it. Are you happy more often than you're unhappy in this relationship?

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-20-2009 at 09:30 AM.

 
Old 06-20-2009, 09:55 AM   #6
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

I am happy in this relationship...for the most part we do have communication issues, and he has pride that he cant admit when he does something wrong, he tries so hard to act like he does nothing wrong. there are a few other issues that have come up in our relationship and we have talked about them, and yes I was wrong with my approach, and he said that and I apologized and asked him how he would feel and what his reaction to that would have been? I had held this in for so long and finally when I seen that he was searching for these other girls I just lost it, i couldnt hold it in anymore and I got so angry, i actually tried to hold off, I came out of the computer room, and he said "what is wrong with you? did you have a bad presentation tonite? you seem angry?" and I said to him " We can talk about it later when i am not mad, and when our child is in bed." I went to the porch and he followed me out there and said " you are going to tell me now what is wrong" and I lost it and the first thing i said to him was " are you happy with me and our relationship" and his eyes got all wide and he said "OF course why?" And I asked him why he is talking to these girls on m-space and searching for them in the search engine? and he said nothign and stuttered a little and said I dont know what you are talking about! I didnt look those girls up, Jay did when he was here the other night: Jay is his friend. I said that it wasnt there before and it wasnt there after Jay left it is new from yesterday....I could tell you the whole convo but I will not. The other issue I had was his drinking he was drinking on a daily basis and trying to hide it from me, but it was obvi. that he was drunk, finally we talked about it and he admitted he was drinking too much because he was depressed, and blh blah, he cut back a lot. But my thought was is he looking uyp these girls and talking to others for an ego boost? Because he needs some sort of outlet? He has been laid off for almost 2 years with no luck applies for work everyday and nothing, he is very qualified but i am in Michigan and the work force is gone around here, I feel like it could be that or it is because i have gained weight in the past year like 65 pounds due to an undiagnosed medical issue that the docs are trying to figure out I have always had a model body my whole life, and in the past year it has gone down the gutter, and I am trying to get it in shape and figure it out, so maybe he is not attracted to me like he used to be? He says he thinks I am sexier now because I am more curvy, he likes the curves better then me being very slim, I am not fat perse, but "curvy" coke bottle figure now. But I am very self conscience of it. I dont know if i approach him about it if he will even talk about it anymore. And yes it has ruined my job, I havent been making nearly as much money, and my employees who I manage llive all over the country and that is how we stay in touch, so I have been trying to work from the phone, and I also work a 40 hour a week job as well, so I have been using the computer here as much as I can to run my business that I used to do full time from home, he knows that I have been trying to make my at home job full time so I can stay at home with my daughter and I make more money doing the at home then I do at my 40 hour a week job, it is unlimited income as long as i work and do it, but now i cant because all he was thinking of was himself when he ripped the cord out of the back of the computer.UUUUGGGGHHHHHH! I am so hurt inside please keep the advice coming!

 
Old 06-20-2009, 10:27 AM   #7
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

Well, if the computer really is the source of unlimited income, then your first priority should be to get it fixed, no matter what you have to scrimp on now, get it fixed or get a new one asap. You won't feel as helpless and trapped once you've got that lucrative business up and running at full speed again. Then you can make more clear headed decisions based on what's best for you and your daughter, not on your economic status and what you can and can't afford to do about your life.

The economic climate is trying a great many marriages and relationships these days. Lots of laid off people are feeling serious stress. But it's how you handle that stress that says a lot about you and your character. This guy is crumpling under the stress of being unemployed for two years, and instead of moving heaven and eath to get back in the game and providing in some way for you and the child you share, he's sublimating and drowning his sorrows by chasing chippies on the internet and acting like a two year old when he gets caught. I'm sorry, I'm not sure what can be done to get through to him. I just think you need to get the computer up and running and get yourself in a better, more strategic position so you can have more options.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-20-2009 at 10:31 AM.

 
Old 06-20-2009, 10:39 AM   #8
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

I know this doesn't help with the cheating issue but go to the store and a buy a new keyboard and mouse for goodness sakes. It will maybe cost you $30. Not a big deal! It certainly doesn't have to be cordless and besides, the cordless mouse and keyboards are more of a pain anyway!

Then you need to kick his lazy cheating @## out of the house!

If he was so desperate that he tore up the computer to keep you from seeing what he was up to...just imagine how bad it must have been!
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 06-20-2009 at 11:17 AM.

 
Old 07-01-2009, 06:35 AM   #9
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

I think A LOT of what has been said here is excellent & I'm w/Tivo about the possibility that looking those 'girls' up was completely innocent. I know that I have personally done the same thing with nothing but the intention of catching up w/old friends. In fact, one of my ex-bf's is now a minister w/3 kids & his wife has her PhD in psychology, so when I went through a terribly painful divorce (a whole other topic) I had a great support system. I would also say that at least a quarter of my friends of one of those networking sites I belong to are friends from high school & I graduated in 1991. I think that part really is completely innocent. Have you checked to see how many male friends he searched for and/or has on his 'friends' list? Personally, I would be more concerned if he were adding women who were complete strangers.

As for the defensiveness, from what's been said, I think it can be attributed to 3 things; Emilysmommies reaction combined with the fiance's inability/refusal to admit when he's wrong & the lack of communication. I mean, honestly, how would any of us react if we were outright accused instead of asked? Plus, if he believes you're jealous, an overreactor, etc, even if you aren't, he'll react in a way based on what he believes you to be based on how he thinks you'll react. If there's one thing I've learned from my divorce to NEVER FORGET it's that men & women think differently about ALMOST EVERYTHING!!! Women 'tend' to think w/the future in mind when it comes to things like this & men are thinking about the right then & there in order to get themselves out of the situation, hence the lies, then the breaking of the keyboard, the avoidance, etc

If you're happy, I think you should stay, BUT only if you all work on making things better. Are you all willing to go to 'marriage' counselling? I would suggest that. If you don't have the tools & commitment to make it work before you're married, chances are it won't work afterwards, but that's only what I think. Marriage is work. It doesn't just happen & you all need to be the best couple you can be for your daughter. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give her.

On a lighter note... Whenever men do things 'we' don't get, or is just plain dumb, I refer to it as "testosterone poisoning". I got that from one of my aunts who's never been married... By choice!!

I hope my 'dicertation' helped, and I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 
Old 07-03-2009, 01:05 PM   #10
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Re: I cant seem to get over this, and he is not trying either...

I am not upset about the girls on his friends list, i know most of them, (some i have no idea and yes i get upset about them) I am really upset about him searching on the internet on mulitple sites trying to find these 2 specific girls which he used to crush on hard (him and I were best friends so I guess it is hard because he used to kind of treat me like one of the guys and we would talk to each other about guys/girls that we wanted!!!) but we also dated in high school for like 3 years, and after we broke up he was single for a while and he would tell me who he wanted and blah blah and it hurt but hey whatever that is the past, but when i see that he is looking for these girls and one of them he used to tell me was the love of his life and he wont stop looking for her until he finds her, even if he is 100 years old when he finds her he will marry her then! SO he tells me I am the love of his life, and i always was, and he used to get so upset when i would be hanging out with him and his then girlfriend because he always though about what could have been, and then i see him searching for this girl that he said he will marry when he finds her? Why is he still looking for her? Is it possible that he settled with me, and when he finds her he will leave me for her? I dont get him at all. He has always kinda been a hopeless romantic, he was always "in love" with someone, he wears his emotions on his sleeve, i feel the love from him, i see it in his eyes, i see the twinkle, so do all of our friends, they see how he looks at me, and how i look at him and they all say we have a "glow" around us! And when we were first together, all of our friends all said "It was just a matter of time" or "finally!!" or "I knew it just like everyone else, we had bets going on how long it was going to be before you 2 got married!" He used to tell everone that he loved me more than anything in the world, before we were together, my friends would relay that back to me, and i would say things like "that cute" and "awwww he is so sweet" and kind of blew it off, i loved him so much that i didnt want to get hurt i put a barrier up, and then finally i couldnt hold off and here we are... So yes there is a lot of historu between us which some of it is hurtful somethings we seen each other do, like i walked in on him once having sex with someone else, and i will never get that image out of my head, and then another time i walked in on him and another girl "basically" having sex, so yes it hurts when i see these images in my head, granted we were not together at these times, but we are very much now, and i still see those images sometimes, and it makes me want to puke....

 
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