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Old 06-21-2009, 11:21 AM   #1
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I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

my husband and i have been married for 5 years toghether for 10 years. All throughout our relationship he has always gotten what he wants. He has a very demanding personality, everytime he would want somthing out of our relationship he would just push and push and push untill i finaly gave in. For example buying a house i didnt want, moving across the country when he new i didnt want to. Now im wondering if anything in my life i actually wanted. There were things i wanted to do but he always put a stop to it, he would make me feel guilty about wanting to do something for myself. For the last two years he has worked a lot and when he is home he would egnore me and our two kids or be mean. I feel like he has been pushing me away for so long. I finally stood up for myself and he is now trying to be better because he is scared he will loose me. He is being nicer and doing the dishes, things like that. But I just dont know If i love him anymore. What makes things worse is i have no one to talk to about this. Everytime i have had a friend he has eather made them cry or got into a fight with them. I made two new friends a couple of months ago, one said its just not worth it being my friend because of my husband, and the other one got into a fight with my husband, he says if i hang out with her again our marriage will have problems. He has always done this anytime i have had friends. He can go out whenever he wants to have boy trips, but i have never had a girl trip. He says i can but he chases away any friend i have. I feel sad and alone and i dont know what to do, i am looking for some advice

 
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Old 06-21-2009, 11:26 AM   #2
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

I don't blame you for the resentment. He's very controlling. Do you want to stay married to him or do you want to leave?

 
Old 06-21-2009, 11:36 AM   #3
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

i dont know, we have two kids together, i just dont know what to do

 
Old 06-21-2009, 11:39 AM   #4
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

im scared to be alone, we have been together since we were kids, i dont want to make a mistake but i just dont know if i love him anymore, but i dont want to hurt him

 
Old 06-21-2009, 11:51 AM   #5
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

he has told me befor that I have two kids no one else would ever want me. I think if i leave him i will probably be alone for ever. or go on pointless dates. He says he loves me more than anything and all he has ever wanted is a family but i just dont know if we ever wanted the same things out of life. i have always just done whatever he has wanted, sometimes i feel like i dont even know who i am because i have always just tryed to be what he wanted me to be. I always thought that when you loved someone that you had to do things you didnt want to do, things that would hurt you to make the other person happy, thats the kind of relationship i had with my dad, so i guess i just figgured that marriage was the same way, but now im starting to realize thats a stupid way to think

 
Old 06-21-2009, 11:51 AM   #6
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

has he ever worried about hurting you?

 
Old 06-21-2009, 11:55 AM   #7
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

i dont know, probibly not, we have almost split up a couple of times befor and everytime he says he is sorry, he cryes and says he is stupid and that he will make it up to me

 
Old 06-21-2009, 11:57 AM   #8
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

Molly, is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? Do you want your kids to see how unhappy you are and put them at risk if living the same life?
Sounds like he doesn't want you to have friends because they have eyes and ears and advice, he may think it takes encouragement for you to stand up to him and as long as you are quiet and submissive with no one telling you this is not the way to live he wins...
Its easier said than done to just pick up, pack up and leave not to mentioned he has distanced you away from your hometown, friends and family. Thats what men do that only wants to control you and use you as their robot.
Have you tried truthfully talking to him about this, that you are unhappy and bored in your marriage? Why dont you just start doing the things you want. Tell him I'm getting a sitter to help you and I am going out of town for a weekend, with the girls. I am sure there is something fun to do around there within a 1-2 hour drive. At some point there is no more asking, you need a life to. Marriage doesn't mean being stuck and dealing with it because you took the vow.
The main question is... Is he willing to change? Does he respect you at all? It sounds like he will continue to get worse and worse and I am sure it has progressed slowly but surely. Remember one thing, a man can only do what you allow him to do. Thats why he keeps "pushing" you as you stated. Because he knows you will bow down and give in.

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:05 PM   #9
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

the last girlfriend i had told me to stand up to him and i did, then they got into a fight and he doesnt want me talking to her anymore. I have told him everything i am feeling, he has been pushing me to tell him whats on my mind every minute, he says he is not controlling and that i need to get over my past resentments or we can not be together. I would go on a girl trip if i had any friends.

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:09 PM   #10
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

Yes but telling him and him doing something about it are two different things. If he is not responding or changing... then the conversations aren't working. You need him to SHOW you he understands. What is your version of standing up to him? Actually doing what you want to do, or just telling him how you feel which he just shoots down?
By the way how old are your children?
And no friends.... so you are saying no friends at work... childrens friends parents... neighbors? No friends at all?

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:13 PM   #11
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

he says he will do anything to keep me but i am so sad all the time and he gets mad that im not showing him affection he says if i want to be his wife then to show him, he says im not trying, that i am throwing our marriage away. its just that i feel like i need some space, he always wants to know who i am talking to and what i am doing, we also work together which doesnt make any of this any easier

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:15 PM   #12
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

i had some friends at work but one said its not worth it being my friend and the other got into a fight with my husband, my kids are 3

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:25 PM   #13
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

Molly, the way this guy has approached things is appalling... trying to tell you that no-one else would have you, controlling your relationships with friends and ruining them, then putting the ball in your court to get over your complaints or you may not be together. Pure emotional blackmail. I'd say your complaints are a good reason NOT to be together.

A minor point.. if you get your friends back you won't feel alone.

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:30 PM   #14
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

Well #1 your friends don't have any business talking about your relationship with him, so thats out. 2nd, quit telling him what your friends are saying. Again, he has you where he wants you and he knows other people are "opening" your eyes. He wants them to stay closed so anyone opening them and giving you any idea he will get rid of. People are just trying to help you, he must really can tell your own courage and when you have been talking to others. He doesn't need to know who all you talk to and their opinion. He doesn't think you can think or speak for yourself. Also is there any truth in that, has the entire relationship started out like this and you are now waking up and realizing this isn't want you want? Because if you are now just starting to change, it may take some time for him to accept these changes and change with you.
Friends will come, just start doing things for yourself more, get out... put the kids down for a nap and leave him in charge even if you just go to the bookstore.. just to get out and be alone and have time to yourself. Start taking the kids to the park, meet other parents with kids your age. Find your identity again. When you start changing, he won't have a choice but have to change with you.... Baby Steps

 
Old 06-21-2009, 12:34 PM   #15
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Re: I cant get over resentment i feel towards my husband

he says he loves me so much, that he has never loved anyone befor except me. that he would be hart broken if i left him, and that me questioning our relationship is breaking his hart. He says everything he has ever done is to make me happy,

 
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