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Old 06-22-2009, 10:31 PM   #1
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Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

Not more than 1 hour ago I was told by a friend that my girlfriend of a little over a year and a half has been coming on to several people we work with. I work with both my girlfriend and friend at a part time job. I'm 22, she's 19.

So my friend was at my house and he started telling me I needed to know some things about my girlfriend. Once he started talking I knew what he was getting at, and I told him I already knew about everything.

A few months ago a guy we use to work with asked my girlfriend out knowing she was in a relationship with me. After turning him down he still wouldn't leave her alone and kept asking her out and asking her to hang out with him. Of course I didn't like this and told her how I felt about it. Eventually things died down and I felt comfortable with them hanging out on occasion. But it was only ever the guy that asked my girlfriend to go to Starbucks or whatnot. She never ever asked him to hang out and anytime she was going to be with him she would tell me about it then ask if i was okay with it. Since I'm a trusting person of her and not a jealous person I was fine with it about 90% of the time. Eventually he said he couldn't stand being just friends with her and stopped talking to her for a while.

After that happened another guy at work started asking her to hang out and grabbed her in an uncomfortable way at work one day (from what my gf told me it was him trying to give her a hug that was too boyfriend like and she told him to get off her). After the "hug" he started asking her to hang out and one day even asked if he could pick her up from school and take her somewhere. Again I wasn't happy with this and from what she told me she was pretty grossed out by it. This didn't go on for more than a couple weeks.

Then on a third occasion another guy at work sent her a text message saying he had feelings for her and want to try and start a relationship with her. Mind you this guy is married and has three kids and at least 15 years older than her. This being a guy that she and I both respect we were kind of surprised by it, and she sent him a message back saying she's in a relationship plus he's married and has kids. (if you can't tell we work at one screwed up place).

Now all three of these people knew she was in a relationship with me, and my girlfriend told me about all three guys almost as soon as they happened. We're very trusting with each other, and because she told me and was honest with me I didn't get upset with her. Also none of the three people know that I know about any of it at all.

However, after believing this for the last 6 months my friend comes over tonight and now has me questioning things. According to him with the first guy my girlfriend was leading him on. I can sort of see this because the first guy isn't really popular with the ladies and has never had a girlfriend. So its possible any prolonged interaction with a girl can be seen as a come on to him. And apparently the second guy started coming onto my girlfriend only after he received a text from her saying "I want to f*** your brains out". Then I was told the third guy came on to my girlfriend because my girlfriend said she thought he looked good and said some other things that made him believe she was interested in him.

My friend pretty much said that everything I knew about was the opposite of what really happened. And that he was certain something was happening with her, he just wished he had solid proof. And to make things even more complicated my friend told me that there are 5 people that think I need to be told how my girlfriend really acts when im not around. However these 5 people are all friends with each other and hang out all the time, three of them are the guys that came on to her. My friend told me that at one point they wanted to do a group discussion with me but my friend told them that wouldn't be the way to do it.

Being super confused now I got a hold of someone else we work with that isn't in that group of friends and she said she hasn't noticed anything weird, but then again she's not very close with my gf.

By now you're probably wondering why I dont' just go talk to my gf about it. The reason I haven't is because she's out of the country until July 16th and doesn't have 24 hour access to a phone or computer. So right now I'm worried sick to my stomach wondering if everything she told me was a lie or if i wasn't getting the whole story. My friend seems certain something fishy was going on, but I also trust my girlfriend more than anyone. And she isn't the kind of person to cheat on someone, if she were to cheat on someone she would just break up with her boyfriend before doing anything.

So what I'm thinking of doing is going to guy number three, the married one and talking to him about it. Even though I know he sent those messages to my girlfriend I still trust him and respect him in a way. Last night he was the one that told my friend someone needs to tell me about what shes been doing. I was thinking of just asking him what he thought of her and what he thinks of her and I being together. Kind of beating around the bush to see what comes up.

I realize it may be kind of hard to give an opinion of what you think is going on here since you don't know the people personally but I'm wondering what other people make of it. On one hand i trust my girlfriend more than anything and believe what she's told me. Knowing her personality she isn't the type of person to cheat on someone, she would much rather break it off with someone first. On top of that i can't see her sending a random text saying she wants to screw someones brains out.
But I'm also wondering why so many people are saying somethings wrong with her and that I need to get rid of her. Would someone really make up that she sent a text to them saying she wanted to have sex with them. Like everything my friend told me tonight contradicts her personality and everything she's told me since I met her. She would never bother with cheating, she would break up with them first if she wasn't happy rather than dragging the relationship out. She believes sex is something you don't just do for fun (which is what the text was implying) but an emotional bond you share with someone special.

I just don't know what to do now for the next 4 weeks. I can't talk to her and I'm going to be sitting her just thinking about all the what-if's now.

Last edited by Giant_Squid; 06-22-2009 at 10:36 PM.

 
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Old 06-23-2009, 05:14 AM   #2
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

Tough one... Without any proof you're fairly hosed and it's impossible to tell what the motives of these people are. What you've been told could be true - perhaps your girlfriend has come on to them in turn and they've talked among themselves, got fed up with it and now want you to know about her because they genuinely don't agree with her behaviour.

Having said that, the one definitely knew she was in a relationship with you. The friend who told you about it - how close is he as a friend? Is his word reliable? I wonder to what extent "what really happened" can be the "opposite" of what you were told. After all, if your girlfriend and this guy just went for a few coffees and you know when these things happened, how long she was out, etc. then you can perhaps gauge the likelihood that anything might have happened.

Without the text for instance, you've got nothing to go on. You could either try and talk to these people as a group (but do try not to buy into everything they say since you don't know their motives), or sit tight and play "three wise monkeys" and see if anything reveals itself in time or if you pick up on them talking to each other about her etc.

ALso think about your girlfriend in general - does she exhibit any deceptive behaviour in other areas of her life, make things up, or that kind of thing?

You can't talk to your girlfriend about it really until she gets back, so I'd play it cool and see what concrete info you can find out. There's no point stewing about it or going off half-cocked if she's innocent. It's a tough one...

 
Old 06-23-2009, 06:06 AM   #3
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

Something sounds fishy here. If I were you, I wouldn't be so quick to believe your friend. If all these guys know each other, they could all be in on something, to try to break you up, to try to hurt her to get back at her for shooting them down, anything could be happening. I agree, cool your jets until she comes home, then just tell her this is what your friend told you, and ask her to please be honest with you.

 
Old 06-23-2009, 08:37 AM   #4
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

The only place I can see where any of this is coming from is that its possible she accidentally led them all on. Like maybe when she gave one of them a compliment it was just that but the guy took it the wrong way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by calmbloke
Having said that, the one definitely knew she was in a relationship with you. The friend who told you about it - how close is he as a friend? Is his word reliable?
We use to be really close then something happened last summer when I went on vacation. When I came back he was different, like meaner towards me, he stopped wanted to do things. We pretty much stopped hanging out all together. Its never something i've talked to him about, and its only been in these past couple months thats we've started to really become friends again. So we were close at one point, but right now I feel like were slowly but surely climbing back up to that point. When he told me all these things last night he just seemed so sure of it that something was or had happened.

Quote:
ALso think about your girlfriend in general - does she exhibit any deceptive behaviour in other areas of her life, make things up, or that kind of thing?
See, thats the thing. She does none of that. She's a terrible lire and anyone can tell when she does lie. That goes hand in hand with deceptive behavior as well, she's the type of person that has a really hard time lying to people and when she does she feels absolutely terrible about. And these are about little things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom
Something sounds fishy here. If I were you, I wouldn't be so quick to believe your friend. If all these guys know each other, they could all be in on something, to try to break you up, to try to hurt her to get back at her for shooting them down, anything could be happening.
I don't want to believe him and at this point I'm not sure that I do, its just that he seemed so certain and concerned about it. The way he was telling these things it made her to be some sort of slutty college girl which isn't her at all.

One thing that makes this all weird for me is that of the five people in that group of friends, two of them don't like my girlfriend. One of thems a girl that got in a disagreement with my gf and they haven't talked to each other since. The other one is my friend. He said he use to think my gf was really cool, but then he started seeing how she treats me and acts when i'm not around. Then two others I don't care for much, and the last one, the married one is the only one I still get a long with.
So i'm wondering if they really could be that sick and plot to break up our relationship like something out of a cheesy high school drama movie. Its just kind of like would they really do that? I didn't think that sort of thing could or would ever happen in real life. I can't see them sitting around going "Lets plot to break them up".

 
Old 06-23-2009, 09:11 AM   #5
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

Who knows.. The girl who doesn't get on with your girlfriend - do you know her well? If she's not what you would call a close friend, then you have to wonder what her involvement is and why she cares what your girlfriend does or doesn't do. I'd regard her motives as debatable straight away.

Consider this possibliity: your girlfriend's a rubbish liar you said, and you said one of the guys has never had a girlfriend. Let's say she did text one of them saying she'd like to F*** their brains out. She may have been responding to something they said in a sarcastic way, but in text that meaning got lost. Your girlfriend may have been naive in thinking a sarcastic comedy put-down would work well, but naive guy on the receiving end may have taken it literally. Of course, no text may have been sent at all. You don't know.

For now, I think you should assume that there's something odd going on with this group of people. You certainly seem to feel you know your girlfriend very well, what her capbilities and character are etc. so I'd treat their motives with suspicion rather than hers and keep an ear to the ground for anything odd. You can talk properly with her as LLM said, when she gets back.

 
Old 06-23-2009, 09:17 AM   #6
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

I'm going to take an opposite point of view than most of the previous posters and say that I believe your friend. Even before you mentioned your friend talking to you, I kept thinking, "wow, this girl sure has a lot of guys that like her and are asking her out". I find that strange. Sure, maybe she's an attractive girl, but guys aren't usually so quick to just randomly ask girls out. And we're not talking about just one guy, we're talking about 3! In my gut, that tells me that she IS doing something to promote it, which probably means flirting, and yes, leading them on. She probably enjoys the attention. I just don't see why 3 guys, including one married man, would be so into your girlfriend, even if she is very pretty. I honestly think she's encouraging it by her behavior, and then she goes and tells you and plays the victim, but in her mind, by telling you about all these guys that want her, she's a hot commodity and she thinks that makes her look good. Also, she is 19, which leads me to believe that's what's going on even more. 19 is still very immature, and yes, in a way, I'm speaking from experience when I was that age.

I can't say anything about whether or not she's actually cheated. Maybe she has, maybe she hasn't. But I feel very strongly about my opinion of why these things are happening, so I'd be paying close attention to that in itself.

Also, why would you friend lie? Does he have any reason to? It sounds to be like he really is sick of your girlfriend's behavior and decided it's time to finally say something. He probably sits there and watches your gf flirt and lead these guys on, and then go and tell you that THEY hit on her and she's so innocent.

 
Old 06-23-2009, 10:43 AM   #7
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

Mary's got a good point! I had thought about it being odd about the married guy being interested. I agree: whether deliberately or out of sheer naivity, she has lead these guys on. Take the example of guy #1 who asked her out knowing she's in a relationship. Agreeing to go for coffee with him on occasions was only going to get his hopes up and make him think he might have a chance! If someone says they're interested and asks you out, and you're in a relationship, the normal thing to do is decline so they don't get any ideas.

For three people from the same workplace to have expressed various interests in her does seem odd. At the moment you're in a tricky position because you're wondering why any of these people would have reason to lie. I'd revise my advice and say keep cool and keep a close eye on all parties - girlfriend included - until you know more

 
Old 06-23-2009, 01:09 PM   #8
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by calmbloke View Post
For three people from the same workplace to have expressed various interests in her does seem odd. At the moment you're in a tricky position because you're wondering why any of these people would have reason to lie. I'd revise my advice and say keep cool and keep a close eye on all parties - girlfriend included - until you know more
A little TOO odd, I think...this would make me suspect the truth of the story you are being handed. Keep an open mind until you hear her side of this. This is an unsubstantiated story, and she is surely innocent until proven guilty. Sera

 
Old 06-23-2009, 02:58 PM   #9
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

IMO your girl sounds like an attention ***** at the least and a serial cheater at most. Most people never "prove" someone was cheating ect.. they just find the truth after the relationship has ended. I have had numerous women at the same job like me before so if your "girlfriend" is hot this may be true. Young girls are just that girls, IMO people should not get attached or emotionally invested at that age.

Not too sure what is going on except alot he said she said. Why not just confront your girlfriend about being unfaithful?

 
Old 06-23-2009, 11:48 PM   #10
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

I honestly truly think she hasn't actually physically cheated on me. And yes I will say I find it odd that three people from the same work place all came on to my girlfriend around the same time. Really im thinking if anything ever really did happen it was that she whether or not on purpose led these three guys on into thinking she had some sort of thing for them.

And to re-state what I said in my first post.

Guy #1 is a very overweight guy a few months younger than me that had never had a girlfriend (apparently has one now though). So this kind of has me thinking that even though my gf was just trying to be friends with him, he obviously thought differently. Also the night he asked my gf out he was drunk and I know for a fact the person he was with talked him into asking my gf out that night.

Guy #2 is a few years older than me and is the type of person that wouldn't respect anyone's relationship for any reason. I honestly think this guy would have no moral dilemma going after a married pregnant woman on the verge of giving birth.

Guy #3 the one thats married and has three kids as well as being about 15 years older than my gf is already cheating on his wife with another woman and has been for the past two years and everyone at work knows it.

Now I feel like she did accidentally lead guy #1 on. She even asked me if I thought she was leading him on and I said its highly likely. She's even showed me texts that she sent him saying she has a boyfriend and only wants to be friends with this guy.

The one that really bothers me is what she supposedly sent to guy #2 the one about screwing his brains out. My friend said he could quote what the text said and it was something along the lines of "I want to f*** your brains out. No kissing, I don't want any emotional connection". However, that doesn't sound like my girlfriend at all. She's all about the emotional connection. And then how she seemed so grossed out by the guy when he asked her if he could pick her up from school.

Then with guy #3, the married one I read the e-mails he sent her. They basically said how he didn't expect her to say yes and how he feels she deserves more than just being a "weekend f***". And then how he's really not happy with his life right now and how he has depression and wishes he never got married.

I guess it can sound like my girlfriend is an attention ***** but I really feel like she isn't. She doesn't dress like a prostitute or drink or go to parties and doesn't like a whole lot of attention to be drawn to her. She gets embarrassed really easily. She's the type of girl that would rather stay at home and watch a movie than go out and party. She's very smart and very mature for her age. The personality I know her for again contradicts what I was told by my friend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary83
Also, why would you friend lie? Does he have any reason to? It sounds to be like he really is sick of your girlfriend's behavior and decided it's time to finally say something. He probably sits there and watches your gf flirt and lead these guys on, and then go and tell you that THEY hit on her and she's so innocent.
Im not sure why he would lie, which is what I've been wondering. I do know that this same group of friend use to tell my girlfriend that she should break up with me and that they don't think she's happy in the relationship with me. And my girlfriend would tell me this and say that she doesn't care what they say, she's happy with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollaatchaboy
Why not just confront your girlfriend about being unfaithful?
Because she's in another country right now and doesn't have phone or internet access all the time. And since its so expensive to talk to someone in another country I wouldn't even bother bringing up such a lengthy subject if I ever did get a hold of her.

Speaking of being in another country, all this talk about her potentially leading people on may make it sound like she doesn't like me much anymore, but this were true why would she go through so much trouble to contact me from two different countries on five separate occasions. She obviously thinks I'm worth the effort and money to talk to even if its just for 5 minutes.

So when she gets back how should I ask her about it? Should I be accusing or should I let her know that my friend said this is what he said you did and sent to other people at work and I want to hear her side of it? Would it be unreasonable to ask to stop hanging out with or talking to guy #1 altogether? Or to stop talking to guy #2 at work? I don't really have to worry about guy #3 anymore since he got transferred to a different building within the company. I don't want to make it sound like I'm accusing her but I don't want it to seem like she can walk all over me and lie to me and get away with it.

 
Old 06-24-2009, 05:00 AM   #11
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

I would not be accusing with her. You still don't even know if all of this is true! I'd wait until she is settled like, give her a day or so and let her get re-acclimated to the time difference. As someone who has travelled to Europe I can tell you from personal experience that it takes a few days to get your bearings back after being gone that long!

When you do bring it up, just be honest with her and tell her that this guy came over and said all of these things. You can tell her that you don't want to believe it's true but that you need to know the truth. The key is not to accuse her but to be genuinely concerned about the relationship. If she is as mature as you claim her to be, then she should be able to have a normal conversation about it and not get all wigged out. If she flips out and avoids the questions, then you know something is up. You have to watch her reactions while you're telling her everything. Body language is going to play a huge role in how she reacts to this. If she is totally innocent you should be able to tell by how she reacts. But if she has something to hide, you should also be able to tell.

I would not go both guns at her as soon as you see her. That's the stupidest thing you could do. If you approach this in a mature way, you might actually get some answers. If not, then don't expect her to even want to talk to you about it.

 
Old 06-24-2009, 04:25 PM   #12
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

I don't really know what to say to you because I don't know your friend but let me just say that people will do some of the craziest must inconceivable things out of JEALOUSY! I have had people do some totally messed up **** to me to try and break my marriage/relationship up! Stuff that's just NUTS! Don't put anything past anyone! My husband's EX gf is just going totally bonkers doing crazy stuff to us and my husband lived with her for 12 years and said that he never saw her do what she's doing before or something crazy like she's doing...so you just don't know what people's motives are for doing crazy stuff!
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*I rest my case!*

Last edited by xpcandy; 06-24-2009 at 04:25 PM.

 
Old 06-25-2009, 01:29 AM   #13
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Re: Just found out my girlfriend could have cheated on me.

I agree with the last poster. In addition, if I wanted to sabotage somebody's relationship, I would do the same as your "friend"; wait until the GF is not in a position to rebut or defend herself, and you have time to let suspicion really fester, so by the time you do see her, you are ready to believe anything! did you say that this 'friend' had tried to break you up before - talk about fruit of the poison tree; Stop this micro analysis of everything your GF may or may not have said or not said, or texted; you are only torturing yourself. Maybe she is naive or silly, that doesn't make her a cheat. Trust your own knowledge of her. Even if she were alleged to have done something criminal, it must be proven, and your 'friend' has done nothing but plant some very ugly hearsay in your ear. He will back off when she challenges him and say that he was mistaken, no harm done etc etc...What a coward! I bet he is already rewriting his claims. Sera.

 
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