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Old 06-27-2009, 06:17 PM   #1
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Angry Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

And yes we are older, but I am afraid when my younger DD hears us argue or see how quick I get short with her, it will rub off on her. I don't want my relationship with DD to turn bad, just because of this, but I don't know how to forgive and forget the past and move on. Long story short, she didn't care for us, only did the bare necessities (and yes she could have done a lot more, but she wanted to stuff $$$ under her mattress), never took us to doctor or dentist because she wanted to save $$$ for herself, just made us read the bible and clean the house.I know that sounds weird, but it is the truth. No fun childhood at all. I believe this is why I try to do so much for my DD. We are always taking vacations, eating out, spending time together either at the park, she loves playing baseball and/or shopping. I'm just hoping we keep our relationship good. Thanks for reading.

 
Old 06-30-2009, 03:31 PM   #2
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

do you see your mom alot now? If so, how easy is it to try to keep things with her on a more superficial level? Does she get to see your children at all? It sounds to me like you have done a good job at putting your relationship with your mother in the past where it belongs, but that sometimes it rears its ugly head back up sometimes! You know exactly what it was like to be deprived of a warm loving relationship with your mother, and kudos to you for getting past that and developing a great one with your daughter!

 
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Old 06-30-2009, 03:43 PM   #3
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

Hi,

If I am to understand your post correctly, you have concerns over your daughter being exposed to the un-resolved issues and hostility you have with your own mother? Do I have it right?

We can only hope to be strong enough to break the chains of our own childhood, and make much better choices for our own children. It sounds like that has been your choice, and you are experiencing the real joys of motherhood.

In what ways does you and your mother interact with your children? That's the part I don't understand. I certainly have experience in this area, and would love to help you if I knew a little more...Thanks

Last edited by writeleft; 07-02-2009 at 03:16 PM.

 
Old 07-01-2009, 11:36 AM   #4
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

Your mother doesn't owe you anything, you are an adult and if you haven't learned how to move on by now, then perhaps seeking therapy may help.

If I had a child, I would not expose her to any negativity. But that's your choice. I don't get along very well with my mother either (and we are both older) but I learned to accept my mother for what she is many years ago so I could move on with my life. Yes, once in a while she will hit a sore spot with me but I just have to hold my breath and start counting so I won't say anything I won't regret.

Good luck to you,
Sunny

 
Old 07-02-2009, 07:55 AM   #5
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by writeleft View Post
Hi,

If I am to understand your post correctly, you have concerns over your daughter being exposed to the un-resolved issues and hostility you have with your own mother? Do I have it right?

We can only hope to be strong enough to break the chains of our own childhood, and make much better choices for our own children. It sounds like that has been your choice, and you are experiencing the real joys of motherhood.

I'm what ways does you and your mother interact with your children? That's the part I don't understand. I certainly have experience in this area, and would love to help you if I knew a little more...Thanks
You got it right. I don't like my DD seeing me when I am upset with my mother and I don't like for her to hear us arguing so I find that I have to hold stuff in and that frustrates me even more. DD has no or very little (only if necessary)interaction with my mother. Because of DD's health issues when I HAD to ask my mother to babysit, which I hadn't had to do for 10+ years, until after the divorce, she showed even then that she was the same person. In that I would try to give her instruction as to how to care for DD she would just totally ignore me and only was interested in how much she was getting paid. That's what brought a lot of memories back as to when we were under her and she didn't care enough for us, just what she could do for herself. I put an end to that babysitting job as soon as I could. Now it's just everytime we talk over the phone we get into it with her unsolicited advice. I can't stand it. She wants so much control. And I won't give it to her and that's what she can't stand. Just basically no love loss.

 
Old 07-02-2009, 08:01 AM   #6
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

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Originally Posted by sunnyrise View Post
Your mother doesn't owe you anything, you are an adult and if you haven't learned how to move on by now, then perhaps seeking therapy may help.

If I had a child, I would not expose her to any negativity. But that's your choice. I don't get along very well with my mother either (and we are both older) but I learned to accept my mother for what she is many years ago so I could move on with my life. Yes, once in a while she will hit a sore spot with me but I just have to hold my breath and start counting so I won't say anything I won't regret.

Good luck to you,
Sunny
I disagree. She certainly did OWE us good or decent medical/dental care. I have moved on, but she makes things resurface. I have to keep a distance from her because of that. I don't expose my DD to any negativity between us on purpose, as I just posted, that I end up having to hold things in when we are on the phone just so my DD doesn't hear my anger towards her.

 
Old 07-02-2009, 01:03 PM   #7
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

Hi, I was not talking about when you were young, that's entirely a different story, I am talking about the present just to clarify.

I had some really rough times with my mother because I "expected" her to change and understand me, well, that never happened. Every time I "expected" I set myself up for feeling hurt. I finally saw a therapist and I learned (which was very, very difficult for me) that I had to accept my mother for what she is in order for me to move on and never "expect" her to change because she was not going to.

For a very long time I stayed away from my mother because we would also get into arguments and I would start crying my eyes out because I wanted something from her (her love, understanding, and approval) and I wasn't getting it. My mother is a very critical person, as well as other things but that's another story.

I think you need to stay away from your mother as it will most definitely affect your daughter's well-being. Stay away from her physically and stop all contact including telephone calls. It's not healthy for you as well as your daughter.

I'm really sorry that you have this type of mother but we don't pick our parents, we come into this world innocent and as children we become victims of our environment.

That being said, when we become adults, we have choices. We can continue to stay in the same type of environment we were brought up in or we can "choose" to change our views and our environment.

What I find interesting is that my mother learned everything she did from her mother and so on... So I saw a pattern of this craziness.. And after much therapy I knew I had the choice not to be a part of it. And I did change my views as I did not want to be like my mother.

So it is with you, it's your choice. Just remember that your mother will never change, but you can change yourself and learn how to accept your mother (the hardest step of all). Once you take that step of "acceptance", that's when you can start to grow within yourself in a healthy fashion which in turn will benefit your daughter.

I hope this helps and I truly feel for you as I have been down that road and it was an ugly and twisted one.

Wishing you the best,
Sunny

Last edited by sunnyrise; 07-02-2009 at 03:01 PM.

 
Old 07-02-2009, 03:36 PM   #8
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Re: Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship

I think this is a perfectly appropriate place to do some venting, and receive some understanding and support.

I certainly can relate to you having make hard choices when it comes to the interactions between yourself and your mother, and particularly when it involves your own child's welfare. I support you in your choices.

When it comes to your mother, I would encourage you to protect yourself from anyone who may undermine, distract, deny or hurt you in any way...while you are involved in the huge job of raising your own children. If that person happens to be your mother, that is a terrible loss, but all the more reason not to let her disrupt you. You do not need anyone but positive loving people around you.

It is up to you to form a protective wall around your own family, from any and all threats to your health, happiness, and security. When that list includes your own family, it does hurt...but it does not excuse bad behavior from your own mother.

I wish you well...hang in there, and keep us posted, anytime

 
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