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Old 07-02-2009, 01:22 PM   #1
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Ksavage HB User
Unhappy People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

I am just really frustrated and do not know what to do. I get my feelings easy & it has happened with my friends over and over for the past several weeks. So...I do not know if I am being too sensitive (since it has been more than one friend) or if I have a reason to be upset.

#1 friend :
I am allways there to help her with her goat business. She had a part time job and several goats that were due to have babies. Her husband was out of town so she asked me if I could stop by her house several times a day and just make sure there were no trouble with the goats. Also, if there was one that needed help delivering, then someone (me) could be there to help. During the time that I was there I helped 3 different goats deliver their babies. That means me shoulder deap up a goats vajay-jay. Which is fine. I know what I am doing & at the time I did not mind at all. Then she decided to paint her daughters room & I was there to help her do that & get it done. Anytime she has ever needed anything I have been there for her. That is what friends are for in my book. No sweat off my back. (until now)
We are in the process remodeling our house and have needed help with several different things while my husband was working. I have called and asked her on 3 different occasions if she could drop by & let the girls (hers & mine) play while she helped me get a few things done. She has said "sure no problem, I will call you in the morning and we will make a plan". The 1st time she called it was after noon and she called to tell me that some things came up and maybe we could get together another day to get things done. (keep in mind we are on a schedule of things to get done in a certain order) The 2nd time I mentioned needing help she said that she had to shopping with her Mom (they go a couple of times a week together) & would not be able to help. The 3rd time she said that instead of coming over here to help, she would just take my daughter to her house & that way I would not have to worry about taking care of her & I could get more done that way.

So I am very upset with her & not sure if I should be or not.

#2 friend :
I had a hysterectomy last year (full blown cut from hip bone to hip bone) and my best friend since the 8th grade kept my daughter for me. I was in the hospital for 3 days & on the way home we stopped by her house and picked up my daughter & dropped off a $100 gift card for her and her family to go out and eat. We did that as a thank you for helping us out. She did not call and check on me for over 3 weeks and it really hurt my feelings. Then her daughter started to have seizures few weeks later and I cooked them dinner and took it over there and did a few loads of laundry and psent several days there to help her out. It was a very scarry time for them. I did not mind at all. Well, two weeks ago she had to have her appendix out and I was already upset over the 1st friend and thinking back over several situations where I felt taken advantage of, so I did not offer to do anything, I just told her to let me know if there was anything I could. So she called me a few days later and asked me to come and dust her house for her because it bugged her how her husband did it. (I live 45 minutes from her) I asked her if there was anything else she needed & she said no. So I explained to her that I was in the middle trying to get the rest of my house painted so we could get our carpet and wood floors installed & that I really did not want to come all the way to her just to do that. & Now she is ****** at me for that.

So do you guys thinks I was wrong in doing what I did? If so I will appologize to her for that. I just need some help here trying to figure if I am causing the hurt feelings or if they are ligit!

Help me out here friends!
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......and that's all I have to say about that.......

 
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:20 PM   #2
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rudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB Userrudiraven HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

For someone to ask you to drive 45 minutes to dust because she doesn't like how her husband did it is RIDICULOUS. I wouldn't have done it either
It seems to me that you have allowed yourself to be used and your "friends" have become accustomed to "using" you and don't understand if you refuse their requests. I can understand your anger, but they can't. To them you've always done everything before so "what's wrong with her now?" I wouldn't necessarily give them up as friends but I'd back off being there for them all the time. Friend #2 will probably get over her "pissy" mood. If not, then she's not really your friend. Don't apologize (bet you do that alot), just act like nothing happened. For Friend #1, don't say anything. Just don't run to help her all the time. You can be busy or have to shop or whatever next time she needs your help. Slowly back off being helpful all the time, but do it with a smile and good humor. It's not worth getting all upset. Take care

 
Old 07-02-2009, 03:00 PM   #3
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BCboy HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

You teach people how to treat you IMO. A way to combat this may be to quit trying to please everyone. Many people even friends will take advantage if you don't stand for what you believe and place importance on. Sounds like you create just as much of this drama as they do though! A true friend is not a friend because of what you offer them but becuase of who you are.

 
Old 07-02-2009, 03:16 PM   #4
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Ksavage HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

On one hand I am a people pleaser. My parents allways have focused on the bad behiour versus the good behaviour & I have never felt that they have ever been proud of who I am to this day. On the other hand, I am the type of person that is allways there to help if it is needed. I do not feel I do it for the "recognition" I do it because that is just part of what makes me the person that I am. But I also have a hard time with the word "NO". I guess that has something to do with the 1st hand?

& Yes rudiraven, I do apologize a lot. I never really thought about it until you mentioned it. Interesting..... I have kept my mouth shut and not said a word to either friend about my feelings, I guess it should stay that way since I very well could be as much to blame as Hollaatchaboy suggested. I do not want hurt feelings on their behalf for something that I created for myself.

I just thought that part of being a friend was to help out when needed & that meant on both sides. I will try to not let my feelings get hurt so easily from now on & see where that gets me.

Thanks for the input. It helps!
K~
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Old 07-02-2009, 03:55 PM   #5
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BCboy HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksavage View Post
& Yes rudiraven, I do apologize a lot. I never really thought about it until you mentioned it. Interesting..... I have kept my mouth shut and not said a word to either friend about my feelings, I guess it should stay that way since I very well could be as much to blame as Hollaatchaboy suggested. I do not want hurt feelings on their behalf for something that I created for myself.

I just thought that part of being a friend was to help out when needed & that meant on both sides. I will try to not let my feelings get hurt so easily from now on & see where that gets me.

Thanks for the input. It helps!
K~
IMO you should not stay quiet because you have already done that and it's counterproductive! If these people are friends you should be able to freely express what your feeling to them even if they get irritated.

Not communicating with your friends will solve nothing IMO. IMO both parties fuel and feed off this drama! Part of being a friend is helping a friend in need but NOT at the cost of you feeling used. A real friend would not want you to feel this way. Communicate your feelings, stand for you and your concerns while still being helpful. Again quit trying to make everyone happy! They are not your parents quit over seeking approval!

Last edited by BCboy; 07-02-2009 at 03:59 PM.

 
Old 07-02-2009, 06:24 PM   #6
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Ksavage HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

WOW holla! You don't hold back do ya?

I am not sure if I will talk to them or not. If I continue to have these same feelings in the future, then I will for sure talk to them about it. I do not see any reason to bring it all up and create drama. You keep using the word drama & I just do not see it that way. I have read some of the other threads that you have commented on & you use the drama word quite freely, so maybe it is just a term. There has been no true harm to either friendship at this point. That is why I posted....I was not sure if I even had a true reason to even be upset. I will say that I do get my feelings hurt very easy & that is what I am going to have to focus on. The people pleaser part...I will have to think about that one. I do like to make people happy, but I do not think I do it for acceptance. I could be wrong though.



So....PLEASE don't be mad at me holla & please try to understand that is just who I am......*sniff-sniff*







Just kidding!
Have a good one!
K~
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......and that's all I have to say about that.......

Last edited by Ksavage; 07-02-2009 at 06:26 PM.

 
Old 07-02-2009, 06:51 PM   #7
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BCboy HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

I call things like I see them bluntly. IMO no need to sugar coat,placate or tapdance an issue. You know these people more than anyone on a message board so the choice is probably best made by you. Drama to me is needless emotional BS that in the end no one benefits from. The definition fits more times than not.

What I was trying to convey is that letting others take advantage of you is YOUR problem not theirs. IMO I don't know how people live that way because if you can't stand up for yourself who will?

You related your story about your parents and acceptance is what you seek or you would not tolerate being used IMO. Believe me I been there, but I learned that if your always so concerned about making others happy and fulfilling others needs your own never get any attention.

You sound like a sweet women, we need more like ya! Take care!

 
Old 07-11-2009, 07:43 PM   #8
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Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

With no disrespect to the well-meaning other poster, imho I wouldn't back off totally from being helpful. However, I totally agree with the other poster that you don't want to apologize for every little thing.

I was happily amazed when I read your post as you sound exactly like me. I apologize a lot and really try hard to be a good person. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings and really want to make people feel good and put a smile on people's faces, which is why i'm here at this board. i like to help people by hopefully giving them good advice and helping them out whenever i can.

i bet you're exactly the same way. so i agree with the other poster partially, in that you shouldn't apologize for everything, but have to respectfully disagree that you should not make yourself too available. nothing wrong with that.

concerning your "pissy" friend, just tell that you care about her and that you weren't trying to ignore her. you just wanted to also help your husband, as you like to help people out. if she's your friend, she will realize that you like helping many people, not just her, and that you were still trying to be helpful to someone. it may not work, but its the approach i would take. and by doing so, regardless of how she responds, you will know, deep down, that you did your best to make her calmer, even if she decides not to be calm. and thus, you know you were the better person.

 
Old 07-11-2009, 08:14 PM   #9
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Ksavage HB User
Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

Thanks kevpark!

As far as my "pissy" friend goes, she called the other day asked me to do her a favor, and I just said.....


"I would love to help you out, but today is just not a good day for me."


....I was so proud of myself. It felt great & I am going to do that more often. But then I instantly thought of Holla's post & what he had said to me about apologizing all the time & I thought....Hmmmm...I started off that statement with an apology, but HWO THE CRAP CARES?! I said NO. So I am quite proud of my big bad self. ; )

I could tell she was rather taken back at my answer & had to quickly get off of the phone, but it will be fine and I have not worried about her at all. She will get over it soon enough.

Hugs to you all!
K~
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......and that's all I have to say about that.......

 
Old 07-11-2009, 11:55 PM   #10
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Re: People are always taking advantage of me....how to make it stop?

Nice one!

 
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