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Old 07-04-2009, 03:47 PM   #1
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Help to stay strong

I am powerless over this certain man. We have been on and off for the past 2 years. I have not slept with him since November but we have communicated sporadically. In the past 2 weeks he has been giving me the full court press. He wants to give it one more try.

In my heart of hearts I know this man is probably not for me. He is extremely selfish and self-centered. As an example, we were "for sure" (his words) going to get together last Sunday at 1:00 p.m. Well I called him at 3:00 p.m. and then I received a text saying he forgot to call, they were running late, blah blah blah (he was golfing, which he does a lot of the time).

This is my problem. My mind says no but my mouth says yes. When I do see him or talk to him my resistance fades and my defenses are down. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know he has hurt mine but somehow that does not make it any easier.

We are supposed to go out tomorrow. I don't really want to go but I cannot find it in me to say no. I am telling myself tomorrow will be the last time. I will tell him for sure tomorrow that I can't see him anymore. When we have spoken about my doubts he seems to have all the answers. When I do come right out and say I can't see him anymore, he will say is this what you want? And that's the problem. That is not what I want. What I want is to feel like I did when we first met. I want to feel 100% about him and give him another chance. I want to trust him. But I don't.

I have clinical depression and that is a huge concern of mine. For the past 4 months I have been in a very good spot. Happy. Normal happy. But now I am continuously doubting myself and him. Weighing the pros and cons. When I am with him everything is fine and dandy. When I am away from him I wonder what the heck am I doing.

Am I crazy or what?

TreeLover.

 
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Old 07-04-2009, 09:42 PM   #2
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Re: Help to stay strong

Well, obviously everything is NOT fine and dandy when you are with him, or you wouldn't be here, right? Look, only you know what will make you happy, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it. I don't mean to assume, but you don't sound very happy at all to me.

I think you have to look at this more logically. What do you want in a relationship? Do you want mutual respect, friendship, romance, passion, compatibility, etc.? Do you want a man who does what he says he's going to do, when he says he's going to do it? And are you getting all that from this man? If the answer is yes, then fine. If the answer is no, then you need to take responsibility for choosing to stay in a situation that is not what you really want and that makes you unhappy, insecure, sad, etc. There's a line from the upcoming movie The Ugly Truth that I love, this guy is coaching a co-worker in romance and how to land this cute doctor she's into, and he's telling her about men, and he says "with men, self improvement stops at potty training." Men don't change. At least not until and unless it suits them. This guy is not going to change for you. This guy doesn't respect you. and why should he? You've taught him he doesn't have to. You've taught him he can blow you off and forget about a date he swore to you he would show up for and stay at the golf course with his buddies. You taught him because you never made him suffer any consequences. And in so doing, you've taught him that having him in your life as much or as little as HE pleases, is worth more to you than your own self respect. Now, I don't mean to be harsh, but let's be honest, what man would admire or respect that? Like Steve Harvey said in his bood, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, he said "men like a woman with standards, so get some." Maybe he thinks you're worth meeting those standards, maybe he doesn't, but at least you'll know and you won't waste time with him, and your self respect will be intact.

I think you really need to put this guy on the back burner and get your depression situation under control first and foremost. If you are healthy and strong, you will be in a much better position to deal with this, and you will be better to yourself and you will make a much better parnter for whomever you will date. Once you are feeling confident and strong and happy in your own life, you can make more clear headed choices when it comes to picking someone to share that life with.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-05-2009 at 07:14 AM.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 09:36 AM   #3
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Re: Help to stay strong

Love is a lot like an addiction, and the badder (is that a word?) the person is for you, the more intoxicating and hard to put down they are. Someone who breaks promises/dates is infuriating, but at the same time it raises your adrenaline and excitement levels and makes you crave them more.

I think you just need to reach a point where you really realize that true happiness WILL NOT come from this man...this drug...it can be a long process to get there.

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Old 07-05-2009, 10:11 AM   #4
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Re: Help to stay strong

Quote:
Originally Posted by treelover View Post
I am powerless over this certain man. We have been on and off for the past 2 years. I have not slept with him since November but we have communicated sporadically. In the past 2 weeks he has been giving me the full court press. He wants to give it one more try.

In my heart of hearts I know this man is probably not for me. He is extremely selfish and self-centered. As an example, we were "for sure" (his words) going to get together last Sunday at 1:00 p.m. Well I called him at 3:00 p.m. and then I received a text saying he forgot to call, they were running late, blah blah blah (he was golfing, which he does a lot of the time).

This is my problem. My mind says no but my mouth says yes. When I do see him or talk to him my resistance fades and my defenses are down. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know he has hurt mine but somehow that does not make it any easier.

We are supposed to go out tomorrow. I don't really want to go but I cannot find it in me to say no. I am telling myself tomorrow will be the last time. I will tell him for sure tomorrow that I can't see him anymore. When we have spoken about my doubts he seems to have all the answers. When I do come right out and say I can't see him anymore, he will say is this what you want? And that's the problem. That is not what I want. What I want is to feel like I did when we first met. I want to feel 100% about him and give him another chance. I want to trust him. But I don't.

I have clinical depression and that is a huge concern of mine. For the past 4 months I have been in a very good spot. Happy. Normal happy. But now I am continuously doubting myself and him. Weighing the pros and cons. When I am with him everything is fine and dandy. When I am away from him I wonder what the heck am I doing.

Am I crazy or what?

TreeLover.
Hi Treelover,

I found I am in the same situation as you are while reading your post. I am hanging out with this guy who I am not sure if is the right one. Everything is fine when I am with him, but like what you said, I am wondering what the heck I am doing when I am not with him.

I think depression plays a huge part in our relationships. Things like difficulty making decisions, always looking at the negative side of him, constantly worrying about the worst scenarios (I have anxiety as well), and feeling guilty for not making our boyfriends happy.

I feel REALLY stuck! The reason that stops me from breaking up with him is my guilt. From the day I became his girlfriend, I started to feel so guilty because of my depression, and the fact that I don't want to have sex with him (I have basically lost interest of most of the things). I am afraid to hurt him, but now I am hurting myself.

I can't think logically right now, and I have no idea what I want. What I am doing now is leaving it how it is, and hopefully when I come out of my long lasting depression (which i have no idea when!), I will know what to do.... This is a BAD solution, but I can't even come up with a list of pros and cons of him.

I wish you the best, and keep me updated!

With luv.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 03:01 PM   #5
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Re: Help to stay strong

Maybe I'm missing something here, but the fact that he is selfish and self-centred... well, is this enough for breaking up this relationship?

If he were married, not serious, violent, drug-addicted, a cheater, etc, then there would be concrete reasons for ending this relationship, but as it is, I don't much understanding your doubts. What is it all about? Aren't you looking for the perfect guy?

Ok, let's assume that his selfishness and self-centredness are his most outstanding features and that you can't tolerate them, or in other words, if in your opinion there are more cons than pros in this relationship, then I agree with you: it's better to put an end on it.

In this case, let's hope you didn't go out with him.. today. Not because he called it off, but because you made up your mind not to go.

It's hard to say no when your heart wants to say yes, but it is not impossible. Once you say it, it's going to be easier the next time.

Find things to do to fill your life up rather than keeping wondering about him.
New challenges, new projects, new or old friends, discipline and commitment - these things will help you get over this man, if that is what you want to or need to.

 
Old 07-06-2009, 07:34 PM   #6
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Re: Help to stay strong

Well, I did not go out with him on Sunday. I know his man is not good for me, it IS like a drug. I am a recovering alcoholic and I liken my attraction to him to a drink.

I am not saying this is healthy but I am aware of my motivation and thought processes. Like I said, I feel powerless. I know the easy solution is to just "say no", forget about him and move on. But if it was that easy why do so many people stay in so bad relationships for so long?

Don't get me wrong this man also has some good qualities. The bottom line is my instincts say to let him go. I just haven't acted on it 100% yet.

Also, LarryLou's Mom - I know we teach people how to treat us and in the past I have let him call the shots. Growing up in an alcoholic household, among other things, has left me with some bad coping mechanisms, one of them being a people pleaser. I don't want anyone to get mad at me, etc. etc. It has and continues to be a long road to recovery.

Who knows how it will end up but for now I told him I don't want to be with him until I am at least 51% sure about him. Making this decision alone has helped me tremendously.

JNN- A friend once told me if you don't know what to do, do nothing. Another friend once told me if you can't accept it and can't change it then you have to leave it. Please don't beat yourself up for your lack of direction. This will only add to your frustration and depression. Try to accept the situation as it is and when you start to feel better perhaps you can make some decision. Also, I hope you are seeing a psychiatrist about your depression. I would be lost without mine in regard to medication, etc.

Thanks for all your input.

With Loving Kindness,
TreeLover.

 
Old 07-07-2009, 04:42 AM   #7
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Re: Help to stay strong

Ok, but could you please elaborate on why or how you know this man is not good for you? I may seem to be insisting on this point like a Devil's Advocate, but - my fault - I can't see clearly your reasons for staying away from him. You mention your instincts, but can you be sure that your instincts are always telling you the truth?

 
Old 07-07-2009, 04:00 PM   #8
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Re: Help to stay strong

Quote:
Originally Posted by treelover View Post
Well, I did not go out with him on Sunday. I know his man is not good for me, it IS like a drug. I am a recovering alcoholic and I liken my attraction to him to a drink.

I am not saying this is healthy but I am aware of my motivation and thought processes. Like I said, I feel powerless. I know the easy solution is to just "say no", forget about him and move on. But if it was that easy why do so many people stay in so bad relationships for so long?

Don't get me wrong this man also has some good qualities. The bottom line is my instincts say to let him go. I just haven't acted on it 100% yet.

Also, LarryLou's Mom - I know we teach people how to treat us and in the past I have let him call the shots. Growing up in an alcoholic household, among other things, has left me with some bad coping mechanisms, one of them being a people pleaser. I don't want anyone to get mad at me, etc. etc. It has and continues to be a long road to recovery.

Who knows how it will end up but for now I told him I don't want to be with him until I am at least 51% sure about him. Making this decision alone has helped me tremendously.

JNN- A friend once told me if you don't know what to do, do nothing. Another friend once told me if you can't accept it and can't change it then you have to leave it. Please don't beat yourself up for your lack of direction. This will only add to your frustration and depression. Try to accept the situation as it is and when you start to feel better perhaps you can make some decision. Also, I hope you are seeing a psychiatrist about your depression. I would be lost without mine in regard to medication, etc.

Thanks for all your input.

With Loving Kindness,
TreeLover.
Hi Treelover,

Good to hear that you made a decision and it sounded like you are happy about that. Like what I learned from counseling, things are not just black and white (not just "to be with him" and "not to be with him" in your case), instead, they have a continuum. I am glad that you saw this other option and made this decision!

I broke up with my guy last night. I thought I would feel sad, and doubt if I missed my Mr. Right. But I didn't feel a thing - thanks to my depression! I have been seeing a counselor and she told me to leave it how it is right now, like what your friend said. But I can't deal with it any more, and I just want to be left alone.

It's not easy to be a people pleaser. I am a people pleaser as well, probably because I grew up in an alcoholic family as well. Part of the reason why relationship is like drug, is that we don't want to hurt other people.

Wish you the best,

J.

 
Old 07-09-2009, 12:01 PM   #9
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Re: Help to stay strong

I've been there. The bottom line is respect - respect for yourself and knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect. When you feel deep inside that you are deserving - then things change.

You started your post saying you were "powerless" with this man. Not true. And you can be sure he knows that he has this control over you by his actions. If a man knows (the type of man that is self centered) that you will tolerate bad behavior then he will continue to do it.

Some people will never change unless they know, in no uncertain terms, that you will no tolerate their garbage. He won't change his behavior towards you unless he knows that there will be repercussions - meaning ---- he doesn't change and your done with him. Then and only then will he either change or continue on the same path.

 
Old 07-11-2009, 02:30 PM   #10
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Re: Help to stay strong

My friend, the best advice I can give is to let your happiness center on you being a good person, as opposed to him being nice to you. That way, if you know you are being a nice person and your happiness is based on that, what he does may naturally still bother you, but at least you know that you are being the mature, good one.

 
Old 07-11-2009, 02:39 PM   #11
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Re: Help to stay strong

Everyone has a little self-centeredness, but the question is: what degree of self-centeredness does he have? if he has a lot, then that will be a problem. i know this being a guy myself, and know that if i were selfish, i would have problems serving my girlfriend/wife and giving all my heart for her.

 
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