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Old 07-05-2009, 01:10 PM   #1
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Question Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Hi, dear all. Thank you for coming here and thank you for ur help.

My husband says I'm very jealous and insecure, but am I really so?

There is a woman he dated long time ago, like in 1992, and he said he broke up with her after abt 1 week and became friends. Now whenever she texts him or emails him she always plus a "bff" as if she's afraid he would forget that. lol Now she married again with two step daughers. Every time if we have an argument he will talk about that with her, she's never said anything that good for our relation. Here's something she said,

"i told ya , a while back take out old trash. you don't have time to deal and raise, and mold a immature child, move on, your a great guy and you deserve waaaaaaaaay, better. your my BFF, and i have to look out for ya, you would do the same for me."

" YOU SAID YOU WANTED KIDS IN FUTURE, NOT A WIFE THAT IS A KID AND YOU HAVE TO RAISE, I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, AND I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK, DON'T WAIT UNTILL IT'S TO LATE. YOU WOULD TELL ME THE SAME, AND YOU KNOW IT. IF YOUR NOT HAPPY, IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE, AND IT'S NOT FAIR TO BRING A CHILD IN THAT KIND OF LIFE. BE CAREFUL, YOUR SMART AND KNOW PEOPLE AND HOW THEY ARE. I STILL FEEL AS I SAID IN BEG. SHE IS OUT FOR SOMETHING WITHOUT HAVING TO GIVE. HAVE A GOOD DAY BFF. LIFE'S TOO SHORT."

Isn't that a ***** that I should hate? I bet i'll beat her if i see her in person.

Also, my husband tried to see one of the girls he dated right before me on the cam some days ago.

He always says whom he talks to, what's on his computer are all "none of ur business!"
Is that really none of my business? I think I care about those cause I care about him, I don't think i'm jealous but just hate anyone who's tryin' to do anything harmful to our marriage. Cause they've known each other much longer than we do, I'm afraid one day he'll listen to their ******** or what they said left him some bad effects or impression. Am I really jealous? The more he said none of my business while keeping in touch with his exs even tried to see each other on the webcam when they are in different states,and she often says something like I wish u were here, my shoulder's always here or something, the more suspicious I am. It made me feel they are not over yet. Do u use ur computers seperately and set a passcod for log-in? Do u check his cellphone/emails? Does ur husband/bf allow u to do that? I always think if there's nothing in his cell or computer then he'll not be afraid of checking them, that's why I'll not care if he checks mine. Is that really none of my business? I can't be like him cause he said if i cheated on him he would find out sooner or later, then he would just leave me and find another one. I can't let my relation go so easily like him.

Help, please.I'm new married.What should I do now? Insist and fighting? or leave and run far away?

Additional Details
once I got a call from that ***** "bff" when he's not home. I answered politely and asked who's there,tried to take a msg for him, then she hanged in a hurry. Then she called my husband. When i told him he said that's not right, she had no reason not to leave her name. I thought that's because she knew what she's said about me, about us, and by that time she was kinda with a guilty conscience, so she was not Dare to. I knew there's no interests from him for her, but i feel she still tryin to break us down even she can't get him back any more. I thought She is jealous because i got a good man while she married a trash with step children.

Also, I don't want him to talk about our arguments or anything about us with others, I think it's none of others' business, like the vow says, Marriage is the union of one man and one woman, voluntarily entered into life, to the exclusion of all others. So i think it's kinda private thing. But he talks to everybody, his friends, his sister who's the only one he trusts and very close, they call each other almost everyday since they are in different cities, his exs and everybody. He said I should feel lucky if he can talk to others cause when he's angry he doesn't have to abreact on me. Isn't he a jork? Is he right or what I think is right? What adventages can he take from telling others my bad? I don't know how to face those people when i know he told them about us.

Last edited by genieindabottle; 07-05-2009 at 09:04 PM.

 
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Old 07-05-2009, 02:46 PM   #2
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

I think you dont need to be worried or jealous about your husband. But this girl, will do all to get rid of you. she does have interests in him, not sure what. just my take. good luck.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 03:35 PM   #3
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Your husband has completely crossed the "female friend" line when he goes to her and tells her private issues between you and him. This is TOTALLY and completely 100% unacceptable and he needs to lose this wh%%%!
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:55 PM   #4
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Do yourselves a favor and stop spying on your husband. And no you DON'T have the right to do that, you DON'T have the right to check his computer, emails, text messages or anything - unless he specifically says you may (but why would you want to anyway?). Men really appreciate trust and it shows that you have a lot of self-confidence. You must honestly start believeing that you're the best there is and why would anyone want to be with "her" if they can be with you?

The only smart thing you an do to prevent this woman from getting her claws in him is to take a step back and do your best to make yourself more interesting than she is. Find a hobby which fills you with joy, set goals you can achieve that make you feel good, take care of your appearance and spice up your sex life. For a woman to remain interesting to her man, she needs to be her own person and continue doing the things she loves.

Obsessing about it or pestering your husband with your insecurities or flying into jealous rages, spying on him and showing your distrust will only harm your relationship and make it easier for her to draw your husband to herself away from you.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 04:03 PM   #5
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xpcandy View Post
Your husband has completely crossed the "female friend" line when he goes to her and tells her private issues between you and him. This is TOTALLY and completely 100% unacceptable and he needs to lose this wh%%%!
I disagree. I discuss all sorts of intimate things with my best female friend and I would do the same if I had a best male friend. I don't abuse my boyfriend's trust, but I do talk about our sex life (in a non-detailed way) and about any arguments we may be having, sometimes I complain about something which annoys me...

Did you specifically ask your husband not to tell her certain things? He may not even have been aware of it hurting you. You should talk to him about what you'd like him to keep to himself about your relationship. If he's a decent guy, he'll respect your wishes. But he may not have been aware of doing anything wrong in the first place.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 05:21 PM   #6
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jana83 View Post
I disagree. I discuss all sorts of intimate things with my best female friend and I would do the same if I had a best male friend. I don't abuse my boyfriend's trust, but I do talk about our sex life (in a non-detailed way) and about any arguments we may be having, sometimes I complain about something which annoys me...

Did you specifically ask your husband not to tell her certain things? He may not even have been aware of it hurting you. You should talk to him about what you'd like him to keep to himself about your relationship. If he's a decent guy, he'll respect your wishes. But he may not have been aware of doing anything wrong in the first place.
Thank you and everyone very much.
I did specifically told him it's our own business and I don't want u to talk about ours thing with others, and he knows it very well. One day he talked to his sister said something like "I gotta go, otherwise she'll think I'm talking at her back on private business. lol" And to what i feel, I think that ***** who wants him to be her bff does have interests in him still, like that gentleman upper "pitcherred" said, I can't let him talk about our bad things to someone who's interested in him, of course she'll say bad things and make mischief between us. But she can't get him anyway cause she knows she can't, she knows my husband doesn't want anyone with someone else's children, also she's remairried,too. I don't understand why he always talks about us with her even he knows she's saying ********, is he gathering the courage to leave me? Also, I'll talk about private things with my friends but only the same sex friends! I can't believe different sex people even more, the ex can be best freinds! As I don't have this kinda experience, I can't keep being friends with any of my ex, so i really can't accept he does that and one of them even wants him to be the Best friend Forever! Am I too... ?
p.s. I don't think my husband regard her as his best friend, cause even yesterday it's the holiday, he didn't even remember to send her the msg for greeting or anything, until she called him today. But he didn't send text to anybody either though. lol But that ***** just keeps following up up up!

 
Old 07-05-2009, 05:47 PM   #7
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Believe you ME HE IS CROSSING THE LINE...period, end of story! There's no excuse for someone to be telling a "friend" the intimate details of your marriage! If someone is doing this, they are doing a great disservice to their marriage and can destroy the trust! Just because there's someone that's doing it that answers you here, that doesn't make it right. It's not right! That's just one of the unwritten marriage rules! I would be very hurt if my husband ran to his brother even and told him every time we had a fight. Personally I can never remember any friend of mine or sister running and telling me about their goings on in a fight with their spouse! This is very bad behavior if you ask me!
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:06 PM   #8
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Genie,
what your husband is doing is so absolutely unacceptable.
marriage is first, friends come and go. not everyone is a candidate for a friendship.
if he is smart and loves you and wants to save your marriage he will stop all communication with this no-good troublemaker.
wonder what her husband thinks of all this rubbish, my man would be furious if he thought i was counseling male friends about their problems with their wives. i have better things to do, hire a therapist.
and you should not have to entice your husband or get his attention away from other women. there should only be ONE woman.
to me the only option moving forward is he has ZERO contact with her.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 07:58 PM   #9
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Here's something else...why is he sitting there listening to someone bad mouth HIS WIFE! UGH! He should be telling her to stop saying cr&% like that about the woman he's married to and for her to shut her pie hole!
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Old 07-05-2009, 08:56 PM   #10
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Thank you and thank you all!

That's what I thought. I just don't like and couldn't accept when he went to tell his good buddy from college for the first time. And that fight, what was funny, just because that college friend. He's known him since college.When I told him out of kindness like I don't want him to tell his college brother everything on his business, cause I thought like what u thought, friends are friends anyway, they are not families (like ur wife) who'll always be on ur side, friends may be looking for a chance to use u or take advantage of u,too,even if he doesn't wanna do anything bad to u. Then he said u don't tell me what to do, no woman in my life tells me what to do or what not to, and I got my first blast in face that night, for the first time, both with him and in my whole life so far. Nobody has ever done that to me, it hurt me so bad and i can never forget it. It was the in the first month we got married. He said that college brother IS MY FAMILY,cause I don't have damn parents. He has some problem with his mom and dad, especially with his dad whom already passed away. He said he will help or just buy a house for his sister for she was unfairly treated by their father on heritage, and he gonna give her what their should have given to her but didn't. I feel weird. I said she has her husband, why need ur help? He said he has nothing. Then he doesn't wanna say anything about that. I don't know if i'm jealous, but I feel not comfortable about how close they are. He is very proud of himself, yes, he's a little wealthy and a lil succeed in his business, but I think we should always learn and always be modest, sometimes makes me feel he's a snob. For now,I'm used to it, cause every time there's something happens, he must go tell his sister or more people. And when he finish talking with his sis, he'll forward what they said to his college brother. And what they said, is just like, she needs to be medicated, dump her, crap, i'll get u a good woman,etc.
He made me feel SOOOOOO SICK.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 09:02 PM   #11
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

I remembered when I ask him who did he use the cam with, whether if that girl u dated before me, he turned out to be so angry, started to yell at me like none of ur business,don't ask me any question about the computer. I think he's just ashamed and turned in to angry miff, cause I found out all his dirty secrets.

Last edited by genieindabottle; 07-05-2009 at 09:03 PM.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 09:12 PM   #12
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xpcandy View Post
Here's something else...why is he sitting there listening to someone bad mouth HIS WIFE! UGH! He should be telling her to stop saying cr&% like that about the woman he's married to and for her to shut her pie hole!
That's right. I wish him could be aware of that too! but he's just a jork, all my enemies were invited by my husband! I think if she really regards him as her best friend, even just a friend, she should respect his choice, me, who he married. But his sister told me, they've known each other for ever,she's not a threaten to me, and she assures me that she'll not go anywhere! She said she was the only one who stand by my husband on their father's funeral. I thought it's only because he didn't know me by that time and just I was not there! That was 2 years ago, but they were together in 1992 i remembered and broke up after several weeks.

 
Old 07-05-2009, 10:54 PM   #13
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

how did you meet your husband?

 
Old 07-06-2009, 04:20 AM   #14
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by xpcandy View Post
Believe you ME HE IS CROSSING THE LINE...period, end of story! There's no excuse for someone to be telling a "friend" the intimate details of your marriage! If someone is doing this, they are doing a great disservice to their marriage and can destroy the trust!
Yes, I agree about the part about destroying the trust IF one of the partners explicitly asks the other not to do that. However, talking to your best friend(s) about any relationship problems may be very beneficial for the relationship. For one, good friends who know you well will offer you great insight and those that live in a healthy relationship themselves, will be able to give you great advice on how to solve any problems or on how to accept your partner's differences. (None of which, however, seems to apply in your case, though).

Yes, your partner comes first in life, but you also need friends. Anything can happen, the two of you can break up or one of you dies etc. and then you need a support network to be there for you. Also, in case of a bigger crisis, you need someone to lean on occasionally for emotional support. I'm happy you found such a person in his sister. I think you can safely trust her that she knows him well, especially since they seem to be really close.

Genieindabottle, there are a lot of negative things you could do about this (spying, distrusting, complaining), but there are also some positive things you could do: taking care of yourself, working on your self-confidence, occupying yourself with something which doesn't involve your husband, finding ways to grow spiritually and as a person.

Basically there are two people you can focus on in this thing: your husband and you. Over the first, your influence is very limited. You can't change him, you can't force him to see your point, you can't make him do anything if he doesn't want to. Over yourself, however, you have all the power. You can change, you can work on your understanding and compassion and on how to be happy. And once you change, he is very likely to change of his own accord too.

 
Old 07-06-2009, 07:21 AM   #15
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Re: Am i jealous to husband's exs?

Genie - wow, this woman keeps telling your husband to leave you, to "take out old trash" meaning you. Only one of two things is going to happen. He will either get tired of hearing her badmouth you, or he will finally listen to her and get rid of you like she's been telling him to do. I'd put my money on the second one.

If I were you, I'd get my own life together, get a good job and get to a point where I can stand on my own two feet. I think it's only a matter of time until he starts to take her advice. You have to be ready for when that day comes.

 
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