Hello y'all. So it came to pass that the nutter with probable narcissistic personality disorder made her cowardly retreat some months ago whilst blaming everything on me and painting me as the loon. Isn't it funny how they do that and almost make you wonder if they're right?
And so I have to see her around from time to time, trundling around like an extra from Wysteria Lane like I'm water off a duck's back. Indeed to everyone else in her life I never existed such were her talents for subterfuge. So I cast her out of my mind too and tried the whole moving on thing. Except I feel nothing for any of the alternatives that are around here: it's like picking the best of the leftovers.
And something is gnawing away at me from time to time: the frustration of all those times I calmly countered her nonsense and the fact that I never got the last word against all her bleak and hypocritical predictions of me, to slate her for what she's shown herself to be. I actually wouldn't have minded if she'd handled it like a decent human being or shown some culpability for her actions, or acted like someone with some sincere feelings who was genuinely sorry for having put me through the mill of her deceits, or been someone who had the guts to say so.
I tend not to feel anger towards people, and tend to just turn around when someone sh**s on me and go and find better people. Something's different about the way this woman treated things and me and it's really left a lasting impression. My friends were right.. she's evil. A friend of mine left his wife and thinks she was an angel by comparison. I'd love to give this woman an earful now I see things from a more distant perspective. Sadly having had months with no contact I would be the one who looked crazy even though my friends were right all along about her being a psycho. The friend who knew every word exchanged between us couldn't believe her capacity to ignore everything apart from the one comment she could twist and use against me as if I were the inarticulate nutcase making her life awkward.
So I'm not sure what I'd advise someone in my position to do. I want to be with someone fantastic but as long as I'm still deeply hurt by the nonsense I've been through and annoyed at how someone can be like that to someone they allegedly had the deepest feelings for, I don't feel it's right to be with someone else yet. I've tried, and seen someone a few times, but I don't find any particular spark. I almost can't be bothered to trust anyone again, since they can turn into a complete nutcase. My nutjob detector works quite well now though. My friends say "if you meet someone new, you'll soon forget about her cos the new person will be a million times nicer.. which won't be difficult at all". So it's a catch 22! What's a bloke to do?
This is going to sound crazy to you, calmbloke, but bear with me. In my opinion, the best way to get the ex out of your system and get ready for someone new, someone really awesome is to - forgive her.
I don't mean talk to her and tell her you forgive her, that's not necessary. I'm talking just in your heart, let go of the pain and what she did just enough to 1) accept responsibility for the part you played in the deterioration and end of the relationship, and be honest, no matter how hard it may be and 2) realize that people just are who they are, and being mad at her for just being who she is is like YOU drinking poison and expecting HER to die. Ain't gonna happen. Your anger and bitterness isn't hurting her, isn't affecting her life at all, isn't hurting or affecting anyone but YOU.
I've been where you are. I was totally and utterly messed around by a guy I thought really loved me and who I truly loved. He got tired of me and did the moody, mean distant thing trying to get me to break up with him, and when I made it clear to me I wouldn't, he dumped me quickly over the telephone. This was a guy who just the week before was telling me how proud he was to be with me, and who had taken me shopping for wedding sets. I found out later that he had lied to me about pretty much eveything he had ever said to me as he quickly moved in with a woman who had many qualities he said he would never EVER want in a woman, and now he's very happily married to her and is quite happy to raise her three kids from her previous marriage.
For a long LONG time I was so angry and I hated him and I thought everything would be ok if I could just hear him say he was sorry. But after a lot of thinking and working things out in my own head and hashing it out with the good folks right here on these boards, I came to realize that he just was who he was, and I made plenty of mistakes myself, I was far from the perfect girlfriend, and it was just a lesson I had to learn. I had chosen badly. It was a mistake to have dated him for as long as I did, it was a mistake to have allowed him to treat me the way I let him treat me. He was just being who he was.
and while the hurt of being the only woman he ever dated that he didn't want (he only seriously dated three women in his whole life, his college sweetheart, who cheated on him and dumped him, but who he said he would have married if she hadn't left him, then me, who he never really wanted that much, and then the woman after me who he married) when he was the only man I ever had any feelings for at all, that pain will probably never completely go away, but being angry with him only makes it worse. I wasn't what he wanted, but I'm not sorry for being me. I'm glad and proud to be me, and if I hate him, that means that I buy into his belief that I'm not worthy of being loved, and I refuse to do that. He is who he is, and so, we just weren't right for each other. Ultimately, how can I be mad at anyone or anything for the fact that we just weren't right for each other? It's just the way things go down sometimes, and it's not always pretty and anytime we choose to love, we care choosing to risk choosing the wrong person and suffering the consequences and risk being hurt. But I know not every man is a liar, not every man is going to use me, and no man is ever going to use me if I don't let him. That doesn't mean I'm untrusting, just that I've learned what warning signs to look for so that I can make a smarter choice in the future.
Now, make no mistake, I was very lucky in that I was given the chance to heal without having to see him on a regular basis. I was able to completely purge him from my system while not having to deal with him, so I had it easier. And also, make no mistake, if I saw him on the street today, I would NOT treat him like a long lost old friend, simply because that's just not who he is. He was basically just a mistake I made, someone who really should never have been in my life to begin with, so I would not feel obligated to speak to him or put on the superficial social nicities, but nor would I be nasty and hateful. It would only make me look pitiful.
You can choose to stop letting her have so much control over your feelings and making you so angry. It will take time and practice and a will to get past it, but you can if you want to.
Except for the lucky few, I think we've all had a nutjob in our lives at some point or another. They cause us to question our sanity and our very cores when we let them get the best of us.
My last njob did me in by twisting the truth and telling me I was the one with the problem. Of course, everyone that knew me told me he was the ultimate pathological liar but instead of trusting my gut I started doubting everything.
Lesson learned now???? I'm stronger then ever - I trust my instinct instead as when I look back I've always been right about someone I've dated right off the bat but chose to ignore the red flags because I was smitten.
It's tough at first to bounce back but I'd strongly advise you to WRITE OUT everything this person said to you and did to you in a bulleted format and make the font/type big. Read it often and you'll be AMAZED at how reading the awful things they said and did to you will take on a different light. It's sounds simple and like it won't work but it sure does.
Put it down in writing - read it - and you'll be shocked at the clarity it will bring to you.
Hmm, we have a saying in this country which can't be translated into English, but maybe it's applicable here. It says more or less: "Don't waste your candles to mourn a bad corpse," if ever this makes sense to you.
I know it's easier said than done, but this woman should count as dead for you by now. Let her be gone with the wind.
Let it go. Seriously, let it go. You know, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Unfortunately, it sounds like despite everything, you still have feelings for this woman, hence your need for an apology from her.
I think you're right, you're not ready to date yet. When you can think of her and feel absolutely nothing, when you don't feel hate and anger, then you are ready. I'm 2 months into a breakup with a guy who lied like you and I breathe, who was an absolute prince to me unless he felt like lying or cheating, who claimed he loved me and never wanted to lose me, then dumped me for his nephew's girlfriend...and I don't want an apology from him, I actually want nothing from him, because all it would be is another lie. I know his life is not going well with his new girl, since she has insisted he break off contact with his entire family and almost all of his friends, and give up his one activity he was involved in...if that's the life he wants, then good for him.
I feel lucky that I don't have to deal with that anymore. No more being lied to, or expecting to be lied to or cheated on, no more checking his phone and his bedroom, driving by his house late at night or early in the morning, no more looking around at events wondering who he might be trying to "hook up" with...it sounds like you were put through the wringer too, and you should find a way to be grateful that you don't have to deal with that anymore.
It will take time, but it will happen. And that glorious day that you wake up and realize you don't hurt anymore...it will be worth these few weeks of stress and anxiety.
Thanks all. I don't particularly want her to apologize, I just have a sense that had she handled things decently and openly instead of being such a coward then I wouldn't have minded so much and that I wouldn't have felt/feel so massively crapped on. An apology from her now would be meaningless. She wasn't one for apologizing anyway and when she did she'd usually revert to her normal self in no time to the extent you'd immediately think the apology was utterly hollow anyway.
I do feel glad that I don't have to put up with her nonsense anymore. To me she proved that she couldn't be trusted, yet expected me to believe that she could be. It's almost a sense of wanting her to know that I know what she is now. A pointless exercise I know.
One thing that is particularly grating is that it's almost like I need to redefine what I want from someone purely to avoid finding someone like her, because she ticked so many boxes of what I'd naturally look for (minus the nutjob bit) for someone to live with, etc. that if I look for those things I find naturally attractive again it's almost like doing the creepy looking for a replacement thing though it's just me looking for things I find attractive, lifestyles I can fit in with, etc. Naturally I'd look for someone like her who wasn't a nutjob. So in looking for someone a bit different I'm inevitably finding that I have nothing in common with them and so things are very so-so.
I know I'm a good egg, and I know that everyone was right to tell me she wasn't worth the hassle. I'll try the writing things out approach though I've avoided doing things like that so far on the principle of not even devoting any brain time to thinking about the treacherous harpie. That and I thought it might just make me more annoyed if I actually took time thinking about specific things she said and did that hurt or were nuts. I'll try it though.
Oh dude.. writing and going over it in your head like a movie that is never ending is not always the answer either, I am where you were and believe me I keep hearing over and over again his words, specific things he said, I am lost in my memories and How someone could have been so decietful, but then have the nerve to say they love YOU! what IF I would have done this differently or maybe took a different approach, but all in all the end to the story would have been the same.. He would have left me anyway, he would have found a reason and he will never except blame. I want for the day to wake up and not feel pain and hurt, it is going on one month and I still can't seem to understand how it all happened but driving myself nuts is not healthy and wanting him back when he doesn't want me and trying to figure out why is not worth making myself more unhappy. I have to function and everyone on here is correct. I may not understand and I want to hate him, I want him to feel pain but that would make me no better then him. I think you are doing fine and when you are ready you will find the right person and it will all fall into place. It is hard and you have to try not too take the negativity from this and carry it over. Take care!
Calmbloke, please trust in yourself and in life that you will meet someone who will be right for you. It's more than a checklist...you need to know exactly what you want and what you don't want, but don't try to specify it too much or define it too closely. Choose only the most important things - all the rest you can work around or compromise on.
I was in a bad relationship before my current one and it made me realize what I want and don't want from life. Here's my list:
- someone who shares my general interests (art, theater, music, spirituality), more specifically, someone who would go with me to concerts and theater performances
- someone compassionate
- someone who will respect me and help me/take care of me when I'm sick
- someone who has his life in front of him and who has plans, goals, who can be hard-working
- someone who is willing to start a family with me
- someone who is at approximately the same intellectual/education level
I don't want:
- someone who drinks too much or too often or who gambles
(basically I don't want someone with an addiction)
I found that someone more or less by chance. With him it was fate and I couldn't be happier. Yes we do have to compromise on some things and there are instances where I wish he was different (more outgoing and social etc.) , but I can live with him the way he is and be happy.
I have since noticed that there are many more guys in my surroundings who fit the bill. Nice guys, guys I was/am friends with and who I never before considered as potential partners - I always found them too lame or something. Guys who don't have girlfriends because they're too nice and most young women fall for bad guys.
In retrospect I am so grateful to my ex for treating me like dirt because it made me realize what I never ever wanted to go through again. I am no longer attracted to the stereotypical bad guys or to suffering individuals (i.e. alcoholics etc.). And you know what, great guys just keep popping up in my life (it's almost unfair LOL where were they when I was single?). But that's life. Once you have a clear, but not too detailed idea of who you want to spend your life with, you are on the best path to finding her.
I know what you mean. Even the most basic "wants" can prove tricky though. Even the most basic thoughts leave slim pickings. Women who aren't nuts, are slim, don't smoke, and who don't look more like a bloke than I do. That's my basic starting point. Simply, all the good women tend to be taken, or smoke.
I wouldn't stretch to say I was grateful for the experience I've had with that woman. After all, she's wasted a good chunk of my life that I could have spent either on my own or possibly with someone better. I'm not going to be grateful to some twisted bag who stressed me out and gave me more grey hair than the rest of my life put together.
I am however, glad to be rid of her purely because I don't have to put up with her mental nonsense and deceit any more. Life is more relaxing, albeit quiet.
Thanks for giving me hope LOL. I am slim and don't smoke and am single. Unfortunately for me, most men seem to want some young chicky (I'm almost 43). I'm signed up on an online dating site, and you should see all the 48 year old men who say the range of age they are looking for is between 24 and 35! I saw one guy who deliberately lied about his age (he put 39 when he's really 45) because, he said, none of the younger women would look at his profile if he gave his true age. Nice, huh?
Actually, I haven't given up. I'm taking a dating break for now and then we'll see. As you know, we don't want to take the effects of out last relationship experience with us to the next one. So I think a healing break is the way to go.
OMG I am with you chick... I joined a dating sight too and it is the same, men our age want younger women... what a hoot! so this one guy who is 42 e-mailed me and then friend requested me on facebook and when I looked at his profile and friend list , wouldn't you know it, all women and not one of them over 35....lol lol well that is the end of that....PLAYER with a capital P... I am 45, slim/slender and not hard on the eyes, but games aren't for me...and selling myself like I am a product isn't either .."what happened to the old fashion way" why is it all about , what you drive , how much you make and looks and age... why is is so difficult!!!! I do not want to go through the pain and heartache again...
I reckon old men should look within their age vicinity. What do they think a 20-something woman is going to see in them? They've got every chance of ending up with a young woman as an old woman has of hooking up with a guy in his 20s.
Early 40s, slim, ok to look at and non-smoking, and not crazy would be a start. I'm sure you won't have any problem finding someone reasonable. I don't care what someone drives, but looks are at least a bit important. Women who look like men need not bother!
Back to topic however, I think I'm going to take the approach of returning to trying not to think about the previous nutjob. I'll quietly hope she's miserable in the life she chose to remain in and try to figure out what I want to do next. Since I'm on the shelf, perhaps I should enjoy the view for a while of all the people having hassle in relationships.
well put!!! I agree with you but with some men it is an ego thing and I have had men in their 20's approach me and it is quite hilarious to say the least...lol lol I just want a normal down to earth guy who cares about hygenie and isn't into drugs or weird stuff and yes decent looking but No pretty boys... they can be exhausting!! i want to get over the pain and heartache so I can move on, I saw a picture he posted on Myspace today and he Looks so happy and it makes me so mad, How can he be so happy knowing how miserable and heartborken he has made me.. It is so surreal but I still even though I want too wish bad I can't.. I believe what goes around will come around and sooner or later he will get what is coming to him... Karma!!! You take care. remember it is when you are not looking is when you find what you seek!
You can take those 20s men as a compliment I guess, otherwise they wouldn't bother so for 45 you must be doing something right. Ending up having to start again is a pain though and I think it's usually the case that the person who leaves rarely has any lasting effect. The meaner they are in how they go about it, the worse it is for the person they exited from.
If I were you, I wouldn't even look on fakebook or anything else to see what he's doing. The time I looked once I though she looked so damn smug. She probably was smug and content to have deceived everyone and to continue with her life like nothing had happened. I've wondered at times what I've got to show for my life thus far. I think the answer has to be a chance not to be with that woman, despite what I felt for her.
thanks Calmbloke... true... it was pure accident I saw he dam picture, see problem for me is that even though he was nasty and hateful with the way he ended it and I still don't understand his reasoning we have mutual friends and I will be dammed if I will alllow him to take them from me also.. so that poses a problem.. I am not going out of my way to hangout with them but if they e-mail or contact me, not that their is any mention of him by either side(mine or theirs) I am not a mean person so I answer.. and with myspace and face book your are linked through friends.. lucky me :0
If you can keep your friends without mention of him that's quite good, especially if they're decent enough not to tell you what he's up to and vice versa. It's up to you really whether these people remind you of him or whether you can enjoy them in their own right without being reminded on some level. Sometimes it's the case that their friends might become closer friends with you if they object to how he treated you. I don't now much about myfacespace4rsebook but it sounds like it would be useful if you could block people. Actually sometimes it would just be useful if brains came with a delete button - the exiting person seems to act like they have one and it would certainly be much easier for the person left behind to do that
Women who aren't nuts, are slim, don't smoke, and who don't look more like a bloke than I do. That's my basic starting point.
Maybe your checklist is too rudimentary after all. A lot of women will fit this profile somewhat (ok, so maybe none you know at the moment LOL), but most of them won't fit your character, habits, goals in life etc. If you're ready to start a relationship with any woman who fits these requirements, you're bound to be disappointed.
Also, if a woman is everything you want in all respects but one, sometimes it can still pay off to try and accept the 'flaw'. A chubby woman could lose the weight eventually, a woman who smokes might decide to give it up, etc. Ok so I assume by slim you mean a normal BMI and not a model-type. Otherwise your chances are much much slimmer - pun intended LOL.
Have you thought about what you want from life? What kind of relationship do you desire, what common goals would you like to accomplish (house, family, travel etc., something else?)?
You can use the time you spend alone to grow as a person, to get on in your life: education, job advancement, new hobbies, new friends...and have as much time as a single as you possibly can. There are so many things which change when you're in a relationship, as I'm sure you know, so use the freedom you have now to the best advantage.
No my checklist is better than that but I wanted to illustrate how even the basics can be hard to come by. Someone approached me the other day - smoker. Rats. By the time I get beyond the basics to the things I like and want then the field narrows down even more. Rather like EDC_Light, I've thought it's perhaps not worth bothering!
Yeah Truth be said but the person left behind is the one left with the hurt and sometimes acting rationally is easier said then done, and so is letting it go, because the person exiting as you put it already KNOWS what they want. Now you or I should say I have to start Over and deal with the aftermath and it really sucks, I would love to have a fast forwarded button, but that wouldn't be part of life and then there would be no lesson to learn. Oh and FYI you can block people!!! Thanks again..
No worries. I put it as exiting because in my case the person made no attempt to actually state their position, they just opted for the approach of lying, distorting, twisting, and generally ignoring all attempts at reasonable conversation about their position and where to go with it. It's the most juvenile tactic: ignore everything that is said in favour of throwing toys out of the pram instead of actually having a conversation. The irony was that she claimed to be a model rational adult.
I was in the fortunate position of having a good friend who was party to everything said who could clearly see that it wasn't just my perspective on things. He (and others) were saying she was nuts long before I did. And actually often he was more angry than me at her responses/reactions to things, perhaps because I was used to them and they'd just wash over me while I took the approach that they could talk sensibly if they were the adult they claimed to be.
So here's a toast to sane, slim, non-smoking women cos there must be one out there somewhere