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Old 07-12-2009, 08:17 AM   #1
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Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

Hello! My posting is very similar to Moshi's posting. I came on the other day to write about myself and situation to find Moshi's posting. It was almost like someone wrote part of my story. For myself, I'm 31, single, never had a long term relationship. Longest was a few months. I have many friends but all are either married with kids or getting married. I'm very happy for them but watching it all is so hard. Many of my issues are self-esteem related. I've suffered from depression since I was 17. I've worked super hard to muddle through a lot of issues. As much as I've made progress, that sad feeling is just there. I grew up overweight so I never dated in high school. Granted I'm no longer overweight, that confidence still has its effects. Let's add to the situation that I'm a virgin. It took a very long time to get myself to feel "if I meet someone, I meet someone." I've done the online thing. I've done speed dating. A few years back I joined a dating service type thing. Spent an obsene amount of money. Disappointed by all of it. If the situation presented itself, friends set me up. Around November, I joined a popular networking website where people can connect with old friends. I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about. I reconnected with someone I went to high school with. I'll just say that I had feelings for him in high school so to find him 15 years later... The first time we spoke on the phone, he was honest and said that he was separated. His ex cheated on him while he was here and while he was serving in Iraq. I truly thought we were just meeting for drinks. Low and behold we dated for the next three months. I loved every minute of it. We got along really well and had a great time together. I NEVER pressured him about his situation. I knew it would come up when it needed to. He was the only person I dated that 100% accepted my virginity. For the first time, I thought things were going in the right direction for me. He introduced me to his friend and his wife. The last night we were together, things were a little physical. He pulled away and told me that I was the first person he has been intimate with since his ex-wife. She had been pregnant at the end of their marriage and had an abortion. I listened to him as I knew he must be so conflicted by what has happened. We spoke about how he's never dealt with what happened and how he needed to in order to move on for himself, with or without me. I haven't seen him since. For the next few weeks I kept contact by sending text messages that were basic, "How are you?" Hope you are doing well! I'm here if you need me" type messages. It took weeks for him to finally realize that he completely pulled away from me. I felt like I touched him and he bolted. But I knew I couldn't be mad b/c he needed to handle things. He finally apologized for how he handled things and said that he needed to be single for a while to depend on himself. As much as it hurt, again I could only respect what he was asking me. As hard as it was, I backed off. The only time I contacted him was to get back something that belonged to my father. As weird as it sounds, I finally feel like he avoided giving it back to me to hold on to me. A friend of mine said that to me but I thought it was grasping at straws. I feel it is true now because I finally sent him a message to leave it by his gate b/c my dad kept asking for it. I picked it up the next day. I sent him a text thanking him for leaving it, that I hope things work for him b/c he doesn't deserve to be going through what he is going through and that maybe down the line we'd be able to meet up for a drink. I wasn't going to bother him anymore. Wouldn't you know the next morning, he wrote me on that website? That was the first time since March that he initiated contact. We had a 30 minute online convo. Nothing about us. Just general convo. I tried so hard not to read into it but why did he contact me? Gave me this glimmer of hope. That he didn't forget me. Maybe still cares? We said that we enjoyed our convo and that would talk soon. It's been a few weeks now. Again, me trying to give him his space. A dumb email here and there about sports. This week I was washing my car and could've sworn he drove by. Looked like him riding his motorcycle from the corner. He slowed down and watched me. Am I losing my mind? Or did he drive by? I miss him so much. Want nothing more than for him to figure things out and come back to me. I'm trying to live my life but, even without him, I don't know what to do as a single person. I'm done with the bar/club thing. I've always been alone but don't know what single people do. Do not want to do online thing. I'm not the type of person who will run to the beach and join a volleyball team. Wish I were. I have my friends, I'm just behind. I'm in contract on a house for myself, which I'm thrilled about. Wish I had it now to keep busy. I find things to fill time but feel like a loser. I'm sorry this was so long. Any advice would be great!!!! (I think...lol!)

 
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Old 07-12-2009, 09:30 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

Any advice? Then, I would advise you to start some physical practise as soon as possible - it could be a martial art, yoga, pilates, dancing, bodybuilding, whatever suits you best - so you can develop your self-confidence and start living in the present.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 10:29 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

I don't think possibly driving by, "holding on" to your father's possession, or an online conversation weeks ago means he wants you back. He wouldn't let all that time go by or be that vague if he wanted you back. I'm sorry, because I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if he wanted to see you he would see you.

I think you can't keep holding on to him as a hope for a relationship, because it probably won't happen. I don't know how long you've been looking for dates, but if it's only been a few months, it will probably take longer than that to connect with someone. I know people always want things on their own timetable, but the universe doesn't work that way, unfortunately!

You sound like you are intelligient and have a lot going for you. You are on the right path, it's just taking longer than you'd like to get where you want to be. But just keep going, because you are heading in the right direction.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 12:17 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

I never said he wanted me back. He is doing what he needs to do for himself. But I can't believe that he doesn't care if he contacted me. He could've ignored me altogether. I know he isn't ready for anything. He knows I have feelings for him. I truly believe he had feelings for me but couldn't handle them without handling his own issues. As for looking for dates, I don't look for dates. I used to be online to open myself up more but hated everything about it. The whole relationship thing just doesn't work for me. I usually get hurt, so I close myself off. I want it but it doesn't work. Being with him was different. I finally felt things were changing for me. I know I shouldn't hold onto him but as I said it was just different. It was mature! Never had that before. I don't want to let him or the idea of us go. And I'm not the "go get em type of person." He was the first person I opened up to in years!!!

 
Old 07-12-2009, 12:33 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

Ok, but I am afraid you are wasting your time with this person. That was why my advice was for you to look in another direction.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 01:15 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

WIBH, I found your post incredibly difficult to read as one massive block of text, but in essence you can't keep hoping for this person. He doesn't know what he wants, and at the end of his process of sorting himself out there's absolutely no guarantee he'll end up with you or want to be with you.

Enjoy your new house, and keep your own life going.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 05:06 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

WIBH - I hope you didn't get upset because people weren't telling you what you wanted to hear, taht you should keep hoping for this guy to come back to you. Maybe he will, but I'm sorry to say, the truth is, most likely he will not. when he is ready to move on and have a relationship, it will be with someone he's never dated before, someone new. That's just how men operate. You just had the misfortune of catching him at the wrong time in his life. I know that's really hard to accept, but I recently spoke to a couple of male co-workers about this very thing, and for men, it really truly is a matter of timing. Women tend to shop around until they find the right man for them. Men tend to date until they feel they've dated enough and are ready to commit to someone, and they commit to the person they happen to be dating at the time. The rarely "go back where they've been." Most of the time, they simply don't see the point, and why should they when they have so many more romantic options than we do?

I don't know if what I have to say will help yo or not, but I know how you feel. I'm 44 and also still a virgin, never really had what I could call a real relationship, just two on-again-off-again painful, frustrating years with someone who had been playing me all along. When we first broke up, I thought like you did, that he just had to figure things out, and he would come back to me, he had to because me feelings were so strong for him, and he was the only man I'd ever met in my whole life that I connected with on such a level. It felt like we were made for each other. Well, he had other plans, He ended up marrying someone else.

I've also done the online dating thing, dating agencies and singles' clubs and groups, speed dating and friends setting me up, and in the last 10 years, not even one second date. Men have just never been interested in me, even though many have said I'm very attractive, nice, sweet, blah blah blah, none of them actually want to date me. I think the sad ugly hard truth is, there really ISN'T someone for everyone. Many people are just meant to go it alone. Maybe you're one of these people, maybe not. But I do know that whether you meet someone or not, the most important relationship you will ever have in life is the one you have with yourself. Never allow what other people think or feel or do damage the relationship you have with yourself. After all, you are the only person in the whole world you HAVE to spend the rest of you life with, so you'd better be on good terms with you.

Our society tends to blame single people. It' never ceases to amaze me how many people just don't get how it can be possible to date literally hundreds of men on blind first dates and not end up in a relationship. It must be you, they say, you're too picky, you're not doing it right somehow, blah blah blah. But that's really nonsense. You can do everything right and still end up alone. And that is why you can't let whether you're in a relationship or not define you or be the thing that gives you self worth and value or not. You don't have to be in partnership with someone to be of worth and for your life to have value.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-12-2009 at 05:09 PM.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 07:04 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling Lost (Lengthy but need advice)

LLM,
you're right, society does blame singles for their own little "plight"--no wonder people are willing to stay in ANY relationship for so long rather than show the world what a total failure they are. it's tough

WIBH, you aren't going to like what I have to say.
You need to see a counselor about this "rescuer complex" thing. It will destroy the dating years you have ahead of you if you don't stop it in its tracks. You have this man, who basically used you as an unpaid therapist and a human cushion to blunt his emotional pain, on a pedestal he is unworthy of. Every day you spend thinking you and him have any sort of potential is a day you block the universe from sending you the right man for you. Stop spending YOUR time on other people's issues.
PLEASE don't think I am judging you. Far from it. I have been there. I know your pain. And yes I think you will be happy but not if you think you can substitute someone else's happiness for your own.
Sweetie as soon as he said he was still married but separated you should have walked. Instead you seem to give him brownie points for his "honesty". Unfortunately honesty will not float a relationship on it's own.
Forget him completely and stop letting him be your BFF, you are a grown woman so clear out the clutter and make way for a real man, one without a wife.
And also he should not be complaining to you about his wife cheating etc, he's not even divorced, big red flag. Stop online chatting etc. You can get new prospects, if this guy liked you others will too!!!

 
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