Don't know what to say? - Relationship Health Message Board

chevyman · 07-16-2009, 07:26 AM

My friend (male) ask me a question last night that I did'nt know how to answer.
He is dateing a girl that has been married for a couple years they divorce. Now he is dateing her and getting closer......> like in marrige.

He ask me how he would feel later on in the realtionship having married a girl that has been taken (married) the kinds of things that was in her past about her ex...I said what do you mean he said ''what if I'm jelous of him? he said ''well what if he is a better lover than me? or ''would he get to thinking about him to much loving her'' ect,,ect,, throw darts at her sorta speak
I didn't know what to say..only that if he has doubts don't marry her.
or maybe he needs to bring this issue up with her and just tell her how you feel, he said he is afraid to bring it up because he knows its not a mature thing to do.
so I don't know what to say?

Kszan · 07-16-2009, 07:39 AM

People need to learn to leave the past in the past. The people who choose to keep rehashing it when it has absolutely nothing to do with them (because it happened before they were even in the picture) are the ones who end up miserable and alone in the end.

You need to tell him it's stupid to dwell on what has already happened. What good will it do for him to think about it? It's not like he will ever be able to change it! So tell him to get over it! It will only drive the relationship apart if he keeps dwelling on it!

MICHELLE30 · 07-16-2009, 08:02 AM

He's in the past for a reason!!!! It's not immature to ask her these things, otherwise he's going to ruin the relationship from dwelling on it instead of letting it out. But once they have spoke about that's it no more bringing it up later or throwing it up in her face! Ya know?? But they do need to talk about it before they get any more serious! Keep us posted..

pendulum · 07-16-2009, 10:40 AM

If anything, tell him that most of us go through the same process when we find ourselves in a new relationship. So, to a large extent, that's quite normal. However, since we can never have the full answer to that question - "Am I better or worse than his/her ex?" - or in most cases, the answer would be "we are better in this aspect, but not in that aspect, whatever", it is pointless to keep worrying about it. Also, it's better not to ask any question about the past, because it can be embarrassing to both partners.

AnnD · 07-16-2009, 10:56 AM

Well tell him we all have a past whether it is a past marriage or a past love life with others we all have a past and we all come with baggage but if he can't get over the fact that she has had sex/marriage with another then your friend isn't ready for a mature relationship. Your friend also has a past and the past makes him who he is today ...it is today that counts and she wouldn't be with him if he didn't measure up. Also he needs to be open and honest with her about his feelings so she has the opportunity to set him straight...who knows... she might have those same fears towards him so talking about it is always the wise thing to do...the relationship can't progress into something deep and special if there is doubt so he needs to talk to her.