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Old 07-26-2009, 06:51 PM   #1
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Need advice on how to find closure



Hello everyone!!! i really really need some advice from everyone that has gone trough a brake up of a long long relationship.

Ok me and my b/f of 4 years just broke up 3 days ago. I think he is cheating on me. I found some msgs where i found out he's been hanging out with another girl. A girl that i dont even know and i know. Actually i just found out thas his ex-coworker. and he just totally denies hanging out with her or even talking to her. The messages i saw were msgs on MYSPACE that she writes about what a great night she had with him. We been arguing for the past 2 weeks because of this cause she keeps posting comments when they hang out. He keeps denying it and it is just frustrating because he confuses me. The msgs say one thing and he says another. We were arguing so much that he told me that we both need to calm down and for me not to be listening to anything people put on myspace and to just stay away for some time. Now i dont know if i should be listening to the msgs on myspace. Cause she has been posting stuff that is currently going on with my ex and supposely he dont even talk to her. So where is she getting this stuff????

I am so confused!!!!! PLEASE help someone... My question is....... should i just find out for sure if he really is seeing that girl????? right now we are not talking....... he told me to stay away for some time that he will look for me when things cool down, but i know that if he is cheating on me then we are not going back or he will not even look for me. PLEASE I NEED ADVICE

 
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Old 07-26-2009, 07:48 PM   #2
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

Well is there anything else...like being gone and no logical explanation for where he had been all night...that sort of thing?

Here are two different sides of the coin...people will LIE about cheating until you catch them red handed.

Here's another side...I have seen a woman totally fabricate an entire story about being with someone just to cause problems. It really is super easy to go on a networking site and write anything that could come to her mind! Back in the day...this person actually had to start a rumor...HAHA! The only reason I knew it didn't happen is because I knew he had not been where she said he had been.

If I've learned one thing in my old age...it is that there are a lot of whackOs out there! I had the unfortunate luck of being married to a man with a totally delusional EX GF!!!!!
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*I rest my case!*

Last edited by xpcandy; 08-01-2009 at 05:49 AM.

 
Old 07-27-2009, 04:15 AM   #3
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

Quote:
Originally Posted by smiles04 View Post

Hello everyone!!! i really really need some advice from everyone that has gone trough a brake up of a long long relationship.

Ok me and my b/f of 4 years just broke up 3 days ago. I think he is cheating on me. I found some msgs where i found out he's been hanging out with another girl. A girl that i dont even know and i know. Actually i just found out thas his ex-coworker. and he just totally denies hanging out with her or even talking to her. The messages i saw were msgs on MYSPACE that she writes about what a great night she had with him. We been arguing for the past 2 weeks because of this cause she keeps posting comments when they hang out. He keeps denying it and it is just frustrating because he confuses me. The msgs say one thing and he says another. We were arguing so much that he told me that we both need to calm down and for me not to be listening to anything people put on myspace and to just stay away for some time. Now i dont know if i should be listening to the msgs on myspace. Cause she has been posting stuff that is currently going on with my ex and supposely he dont even talk to her. So where is she getting this stuff????

I am so confused!!!!! PLEASE help someone... My question is....... should i just find out for sure if he really is seeing that girl????? right now we are not talking....... he told me to stay away for some time that he will look for me when things cool down, but i know that if he is cheating on me then we are not going back or he will not even look for me. PLEASE I NEED ADVICE
Another thing it could be is maybe your bf wants to break up with you but doesn't want to tell you, so he created this other female username and posted those comments himself knowing that you'd read them and that it would stir up enough turmoil in you to break up with him,so he wouldn't have to break up with you.

Last edited by daylight568; 07-27-2009 at 04:16 AM.

 
Old 07-27-2009, 10:30 AM   #4
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

I agree - people will lie until they are caught with hard evidence. Some of the lies are outrageous that they expect us to believe.

I've been with an incredible liar and he would go so far as to say what your bf is saying - that she's making it all up. There is of course is a chance that she is making it up and if that were the case then he should be crazed with anger at this women and putting a stop to it - does he act like that and is he doing something to make her stop?

Only you can find out what the real truth is. If your gut is telling you he's lying and that this story is too far fetched then typically your gut reaction is correct.

All I know is if a man is telling the truth and some woman is posting lies on a public site then the man should be infuriated and doing everything to get her to stop - especially if it's destroying a relationship that he wants to continue.

Last edited by cathy1; 07-27-2009 at 10:32 AM.

 
Old 07-27-2009, 10:32 AM   #5
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

Smells really fishy to me. Did he tell you where he actually was when this girl said he was with her? Or did he immediately just get all defensive? Sounds to me like he got caught and is trying to make it look like it's you being crazy and jealous and mistrusting. Until and unless he's ready to say exactly why this girl is putting lies up on her page, and vows to stay away from the troublemaking floozy if she is lying (which I don't think she is) and where he was when she claims he was with her, then I'd say good riddance to him. No need for all the drama. A reason not to trust him revealed itself and he did not step up and prove himself trustworthy. When that happens, bu'bye.

 
Old 07-27-2009, 07:07 PM   #6
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

I think he's probably lying, although I really hate to judge someone I haven't even met. However, for your sake, I would suggest emotionally distancing yourself from him. Either way, whether he's cheating on you or not, he is not being forthright, and you have the right to heal.

Don't be mean, but at the same time, I think it's a good idea to emotionally distance yourself as much as possible, to give yourself plenty of time to relax (although I know it must be hard for you, to which I definitely empathize with you) and to think things through. Having this time to yourself will be of enormous help to your emotional and mental health. Especially as the one who might have been cheated on, you not only need this time for yourself, but deserve it.

Then, when you decide you want to do, please be civil (although I know you will be, as you seem like a really nice person) and tell him calmly (so he doesn't get even more defensive) that you would like a time-out for a while (which it seems he suggested in the first place and would like as well).

Then, when you decide if the relationship is worth it, take action, but make sure it's not something you will regret.

 
Old 07-27-2009, 08:05 PM   #7
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

Quote:
Originally Posted by smiles04 View Post

right now we are not talking....... he told me to stay away for some time that he will look for me when things cool down, but i know that if he is cheating on me then we are not going back or he will not even look for me. PLEASE I NEED ADVICE
Translation: I will look for you if things don't work out with her.

 
Old 07-27-2009, 08:59 PM   #8
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

Quote:
Originally Posted by Choice View Post
Translation: I will look for you if things don't work out with her.

I completely agree. It sounds to me like something is definitely going on between your bf and this other girl... and he's probably "trying her out" right now. By taking a break from you, he's free to do as he pleases and doesn't see it as cheating.

 
Old 07-28-2009, 08:38 AM   #9
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

what closure are you looking for?
sounds like your b/f has put a closure on things.
or do you mean you want to know how to tell if your b/f is cheating?

did he ever do anything in your 4 year realtionship for you to not trust him?
if your not sure he was with that girl all night then do some investgating.
anything is possible on the internet , yeah he could be making this all up but then if you don't trust him then ask him and gather your evidence.
check the time he's gone and what he says he's out doing, check his phone, computer emails ect,,ect,,

I agree with what was mention if he's wanting to give you time then that gives him more time to check this other girl out...don't be so nieve.

 
Old 07-28-2009, 09:13 AM   #10
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

you want closure???

get yourself a new man, forget about this guy, and don't look back!!


 
Old 07-28-2009, 09:49 AM   #11
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

The two things that caught my eye were: 1. you're feeling confused (classic feeling when someone's lying to you & you're in denial & shock) 2. He tells you to stay away, and he'll get back to you???

Seems pretty clear to me, but objectively, it looks like this guy wants "out".

Sorry for your pain.

 
Old 07-28-2009, 09:52 AM   #12
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

If you have to do any checking of his phone, e-mails, etc. then it's not worth it. It's a terrible way to live. You'd be better off just staying away from him.

My ex told me that he didn't want a girlfriend in his life "right now" and that he didn't want to hurt me, but that "something" was telling him to stop seeing me. What he didn't tell me is that he already had my replacement. To this day, he's never owned up to having a new girlfriend or told me that we're through for good. I just made the decision to stay away from him and behave as though we were broken up for good. Fortunately, he hasn't tried to keep me on a string. I'd move on if I were you.

 
Old 07-28-2009, 06:49 PM   #13
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

relationships are based on trust, obviously. You don't have to wait for him. You have the right to start dating new guys as well. If he doesn't want to be with you, then quite frankly, it's HIS loss. You sound like a great woman and I know there are great guys out there who would really appreciate a wonderful gift of a person, such as yourself.

For closure, go look for a guy who deserves you. although i suggest making friends with them first and getting to build trust with them and know them first before jumping into a relationship.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 05:59 PM   #14
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

THANKS TO ALL!!!! that replied to my msg..... I REALLY REALLY appreciate each one of you!!!

YEAH i just gave up...... i'm tired of looking for answers that i will never get..... everytime i ask him he just denies it and we end up arguing..... i told him to put a stop to this girl and ask her to quit putting comments on her page about him..... he states he does not have a clue of why she putting stuff like that.... he could only think she might be doing it to try and make her b/f jealous...... My ex does not even log in to check his page so he was not aware of the comments she was posting about him..... till i started looking and asked him about it........ But..... when i told him to put a stop to this girl...... he told me he didnt have to do anything that he is not gonna worry about other people he dont even talk to......that it was either i belive him or not........ and for me to stop looking at her page cause i get easily influenced by what people write on there and im just putting things in my head and destroying our relationship by not trusting him...........

Now turns out he is the hurt one here cause he told me he feels sad and dissappointed now cause i dont trust him. But why is he not confronting her??? he says they dont have comunication anymore......

Im just tired of living in doubt all the time!!!!

 
Old 07-31-2009, 07:43 PM   #15
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Re: Need advice on how to find closure

Doubt & sitting on the fence in confusion is the worse. If you let him go, and he really wants to be with you, he'll be back.

Go find someone who doesn't make you feel so confused & unhappy. Been there!!

JMHO...............caroleye

 
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