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Old 07-31-2009, 11:22 AM   #1
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Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

OK so here's the gist of it- once a month my boyfriend gets to visit his daughter. She lives over 4 hours away so it makes sense to stay in a hotel by her home. It's pretty pricey between the hotel, gas, food and enterainment for everyone and he feels that I should start paying for more things when we go (I'll usually buy the dinners, lunches). This is becoming an area of contention with us and I just want some feedback to see if I'm out of line for disagreeing with him on this. He seems to think it's a free "mini-vacation" for me every month when we go away- it's not.
I see the situation like this- 1st of all it's HIS CHILD, not mine. If we wern't together I wouldn't be going there every month. I have to take time off from work to go. I have to be up and out of the house by 7a-I do all the driving, because he has no car or license (it's 4 hours or more each each way), I end up being the main enterainment (she's 3 so it's not very into playing with daddy), she's potty training (so guess who gets to go to the bathroom with her?), don't forget bathtime (me again). She's an awesome kid but it is far from a vacation for me. We are with her for just over 24 hours- add the 8 hours driving and it is exhausting. My boyfriend spends some time with her but I do most of the hands on stuff with her. I read her stories- he doesn't. I push her stroller all the time- he kicks the wheels when he pushes her.
I really don't think I should pay for anything more than I already do. I buy food and gifts for her but for him to expect me to pay for the part of the gas, hotel and other stuff just doesn't seem fair to me. I feel like he's asking me to pay for the privledge of watching his child.
Am I outta line \???

Last edited by Administrator; 08-10-2009 at 01:25 PM. Reason: inappropriate language

 
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Old 07-31-2009, 11:39 AM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

Sounds to me like your relationship has much bigger problems than who should pay for what on these trips to see his daughter. What would he do if you were to say "sorry, I can't make it this month, too much work, etc."

Is there some reason why he doesn't have a car or a license? And you are the one to do all the caretaking of his daughter? I think it would actually be good for him if you skipped these trips for a few months. He needs to learn how to be a father. He should be more hands on when it comes to bathing, potty training, pushing her stroller, etc. Now, if you marry this guy, she will be your stepdaughter, and her care will be partly your responsibility, but at this point, it does sort of sound like he's using you to do all the things he should be doing. Perhaps he's assuming that you feel like the girl's mother and are more willing than you actually are to step into the stepmother role. Seems he already sees you being the child's mother when her biological mother is not around. And his idea of being a father does not match your idea. He seems to think the father plays with the child for a little while, maybe watches tv, plays a game, then turns the child over to the "mom" for the potty training, bathing, dressing, etc. Doesn't seem like the two of you are on the same page when it comes to the male and female roles of parenting. That's problem #1.

I would normally agree with him, that the cost of these trips should be divided equally like any other trip would be between any serious couple who are moving toward a life together, combining their assets, etc. and if you are moving toward marriage, like I said, she will be your daughter too, and party your responsibility, but I don't think this is a normal situation. Something is missing. He just doesn't sound like he's stepping up like he should be, as a father, and as a partner. As his SO and possibly his wife someday, it is your responsibility to support him in raising his child the way he sees fit, but it is NOT your responsibility to raise his child FOR him. He only sees her once a month and turns all the bathing, stroller pushing, feeding, playing, story reading over to YOU? That's not right.

Again, take a break from these trips for a while. Say you have too much work, and that you think it would be good for both him and his daughter for the two of them to spend some quality time together, just the two of them. If he doesn't step up, find a way to get there and back himself, get more hands on with her, etc., then I think you really need to think long and hard as to whether this guy is your emotional, mental and financial equal, and whether a long term relationship with him is really that good an idea.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 07-31-2009 at 11:43 AM.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 11:43 AM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

oh forget it.......babysitters don't have to pay to watch someone elses kid...
THEY get paid for it.....

you're a glorified baby-sitter and he's taking advantage of you

time to put your foot down......I suggest being busy the next trip and let him deal with it himself.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 11:50 AM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

Think carefully about making a life with this guy. None of this is about the trip or about you. He is showing you his true colors: your contributions have zero value and you must pay for half of what he puts in. Expect that to be your life.

Women complain all the time about how men are not open and honest.

Well, here he is, puttin' it all out there for you.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 11:52 AM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

Thank you. I would have no problem paying more for these visits if it was 50/50 all the way. We have been together 2 years, he doesn't drive b/c he got a DWI before we met and his license was revoked (he can re-apply for a license in the next 2 months). Maybe he does see me as more of a mother figure for his daughter.... The birthmother is not in the picture at all, she took off and gave the daughter up for adoption without my boyfriends consent. He fought the adoption agency and adoptive parents for the visits he gets now. Within a month or 2 of fighting for the baby he got the DWI.
He fought so hard for to get these visits- I don't know why he doesn't interact with her more. I KNOW he wanted her SO much. That bugs me more than the him wanting me to pay for more stuff.
I don't know if we will ever get married. We talked about it before but nothing concrete. The whole situation is frustrating.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 12:11 PM   #6
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Thumbs down Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

I think you need to get rid of this guy. You already know what kind of father he is, and I am sure it is not the kind you want for your own kids. Now he is starting to want money for something you should not have to pay for. My advice is to stop going on these trips with him and let him figure it all out for himself. Just out of curiosity why does he only see her once a month? If she is only three then ther is no reason why she can't come stay with him for a week or two at a time. That would lessen the cost of the trips to see her.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 12:22 PM   #7
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

His daughter was put up for adoption by the birthmother without his consent. As soon as he found out about her he fought to get her back and ended up settling for visits. The lawyers on both sides were dragging the case on and on so the adoptive parents and my boyfriend decided to stop fighting eachother and use the money they were spending on lawyers on raising this child together and making it an open adoption.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 12:27 PM   #8
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

You should not be paying anything for these weekend trips. He should be paying you for gas, wear & tear on your car, and all your meals, in addition to the hotel. These are the expenses of having a child. I do understand him not taking a more hands on approach with her. Little girls are strange and scary to some men. They are delicate little creatures. Nothing like most little boys her age. As she gets older, I'm sure he will become more comfortable with being a little girl's daddy.

I do think that these trips are totally his financial responsibility and maybe you should skip a trip or 2 so he will realize how valuable you are as her caregiver.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 12:44 PM   #9
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

This is definitely his expense, not yours. It's his kid, not yours. He needs to be a man and a father and start taking some responsibility for her, quit pawning her off on your whenever you go with him.

I would quit going if I were you and just tell him you're busy, you're sick, you're broke, you have other plans, etc. whatever it takes and you're not going. It doesn't really matter how he gets there because that's his problem for being dumb enough to get a DUI. He sounds like a real winner.

This situation is all wrong and you shouldn't be involved with someone who has so much drama in his life. You seem like a nice person you really should find yourself a guy who isn't a drunk that can't drive and who is capable of being a loving father to his kid(s). This guy ISN'T it. That's for sure!

 
Old 07-31-2009, 12:51 PM   #10
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

I understand him not being comfortable with taking her to the bathroom while we are out in public. He doesnt like taking her into the mens room. It frustrates me because he really thinks it's a fun time for me. He doesn't get that it gets stressful, trying to get a whole weekend off from work, all the driving (that's tiring on it's own), entertaining the kid. We get such a small amount of time with her so it's like we are always rushing to get as much into the visit as possible.
I just feel like its not right to expect me to pay for stuff (and I'm glad to see I'm not alone on this). to me it's like asking him to go with me to visit my family and demanding that he pay for the trip- he wouldn't go for that so why should I go for this?
Don't get me wrong; I love the kid to death. She's a good kid, very sweet, well behaved etc. but she's not my kid. It makes me mad too that he "corrects" me when I'm playing with her- if we do something he doesn't like (playing too loud, getting dirty) he goes on this whole speal about how she's HIS KID not Mine. But instead of playing with us he's sitting on his rear at the hotel watching TV. He doesn't like watching cartoons with her and will watch movies with people getting killed and swearing- but god help me if I get her "wound up"....

 
Old 07-31-2009, 02:20 PM   #11
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

besides being his babysitter, he keeps you around because you're his transportation......
please get rid of this guy.....he's just using you

 
Old 07-31-2009, 02:27 PM   #12
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

he sounds like a real prize. sorry, but a guy who won't commit to you, and honestly shows very little committment to his daughter--sure, he visits but he doesn't do very much. I hope her adoptive parents treat her well and that you realize that this guy is not very responsible. If you are involved in a court case to gain custody of your child, and you go out and get a dui then that says right there that the kid's best interest isn't his first priority. I'd let this guy stop mooching off of you and kick him to the curb.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 02:33 PM   #13
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

I agree with everyone else and all I have to say beyond that is I hope you never have a child with this man. Unless he grows up and learns how to treat a child, how to properly interact with a child, and how easily a child can be messed up by the wrong behavior, wrong TV shows, etc., he should NOT be a father. He says he cares for her, he fought for visitation with her, but he doesn't know what it means to be a daddy. Someday when she is old enough to talk well (which may be within this next year) she is going to return home with some stories that her adoptive parents just may not like and he may find himself on the losing end of visitation rights.

 
Old 07-31-2009, 08:23 PM   #14
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

Something else is kind of fishy to me. I could be wrong, but I always thought that a baby could not be adopted unless both parents severed their parental rights. I thought it was against the law for one parent to put a child up for adoption without the other parent's knowledge. I have a friend who had a child with her first husband who turned out to be a deadbeat, and when she re-married, her second husband wanted to adopt her child. He could not do so until the first husband signed a form severing his parental rights, which he did since he was not really father material, and even thanked my friend for taking him off the hook so to speak. But perhaps that's why he had to go to court? But if his name was on the child's birth certificate as the father, I don't know, something just doesn't seem right.

Like I said, I could be wrong, but his story seems to have a few holes in it.

 
Old 08-02-2009, 12:11 AM   #15
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Re: Boyfriend thinks I should pay for trips to visit his daughter.

Your boyfriend obviously loves his daughter, but he's still too immature to be a good father. Someone should videotape him watching TV while you bathe his child-- maybe he'd see how lazy he is being!
Has he given up drinking completely?
And most importantly, what are you getting out of the relationship?

 
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